I wrinkled my nose playfully and laughed, and his stiff expression lifted. My cube-based approach to friendship had worked. As I turned to start to leave, something tugged my collar downward.
"Something else…."
"Huh?"
"…You said you'd teach me something else."
I couldn't believe my ears for a moment when I heard the voice that hadn't yet broken. Just now… Did he speak? Had I heard wrong? Did that voice really come out of his mouth? I blinked, stunned, and answered belatedly.
"Ah! Yes, I did, but… I have to clean the warehouse today…."
"Oh…"
The hand that was holding me dropped down. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. I felt like I was just one step closer, and somehow, I'd fumbled the opportunity. I dropped to one knee before him, looking him in the eye as I tried to apologize sincerely.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break my promise. I tried to come prepared, but I didn't know I'd be cleaning today, so…"
"…It's okay, you can go."
Before I knew it, the disappointment in his eyes was gone. He seemed quite skilled at hiding his negative emotions for someone so young. Perhaps the countless disappointments he'd had in the past had numbed his emotions. I felt more and more sorry for him.
"Well, maybe later on…."
"Hey, Teacher Johan!"
I was going to ask him if he had some free time in the evening after I finished cleaning. But another volunteer had come to get me, so I was forced to swallow what I wanted to say.
While cleaning the warehouse, I couldn't get his disappointed face out of my head.
Earlier, he must've been expecting me since he left the cube where I usually sat.
"…Maybe I should've postponed cleaning."
There was no point in regretting it now. I sighed heavily and reached for a rag to wipe up some of the dust in the storage room. When I went to grab the mop, I couldn't find it. I looked up, wondering where I'd left it, and saw a black silhouette against the fluorescent lights.
"Eh?"
It was that child. He was holding my mop, standing there awkwardly.
Why was he here? Shouldn't he be in the middle of PE class right now? Did he have something else he wanted to say to me? I didn't think much of it but reached out to take the mop anyway.
"Thanks for picking it up."
He flinched and stepped back as I casually took the mop.
"What's wrong? Ah, do I smell like sweat?"
"No. It's not that…."
He hesitated, biting down hard on his lower lip, and then stammered.
"I also... If I help… You'll finish sooner…."
The child bowed his head, and his ears were red, like a pale ocean body colored by a pink sunset. I was also taken aback at his uncertainty of what to do. As I stared at him, unable to close my open mouth, he glanced at me and muttered something.
"…Was it a silly idea…?"
"Huh? Ah, no, of course not!"
I said, my voice naturally rising in fear there'd be a misunderstanding. I didn't want to push him away by telling him I didn't need help when he was so shy. I quickly squatted down in front of him, looked up slightly, and asked,
"Are you sure you wanna help me?"
"That… Yes."
His pupils trembled like deep lakes, but he wasn't running away anymore. There was only one step between us now. I wondered how long it would take me to close that small gap and what expression he'd give me then. My heart fluttered in anticipation.
"Thanks. I didn't think you liked me… I thought you were avoiding me."
I spoke without thinking, but the fern-like hands that were gripping the mop lost strength.
He didn't look too happy. Worried I'd made a mistake, I hastily added an excuse.
"No, I mean…."
I tried to play it off as a joke, but he shrunk away.
"That's… not true."
"Huh? Really?"
He nodded quietly. I was flattered by that and couldn't resist the playful words that came out of my mouth.
"Thank goodness. I like you, as well."
"What? No, not like that… I didn't…."
"Haha, it's a good thing, no matter how you look at it, right?"
My laughter filled the warehouse. The child's face was red with embarrassment, and it was very cute. After we finished cleaning up together, we headed back to the classroom. By the time I got the chess board I'd prepared out, it was well past sunset and long past time to go home.
I stood the cheap plastic chess pieces upright, showing them to him.
"You know what this is, right?"
"…Chess."
"Yeah. Of course, playing chess is much harder than playing with a Rubik's cube. You can solve a Rubik's cube alone, right? But in chess, you usually have an opponent. So, you must constantly observe and anticipate your opponent's strategy and what moves they'll make next."
"How do you anticipate it?"
"Well, perhaps you can tell by looking in their eyes?"
I playfully made eye contact and gave him a bright smile, to which he quickly averted his gaze. He gets so embarrassed just by me looking at him that I couldn't help but wonder when he'd be ok with physical contact. I still had a long way to go to gain his trust.
Afterward, I explained the rules of chess to him step by step, and he steadily nodded.
"I think I've got it."
"Already? It took me a week to memorize the rules…."
Once again, it somehow felt very unfair.
"Then, do you want to play a practice game with me?"
"A practice game?"
"Yeah. The person who loses has to answer one question, any question that the winner asks. How about that?"
"…Okay."
Innocent as he was, he had no idea I was trying to use this game to learn more about him. As I placed the pieces in their proper places on the chessboard, I asked, out of habit.
"White?"
"…White?"
"Ah, I was asking because white can move first. Since you're a beginner, you can play white."
I gestured for him to go first, and he nodded thoughtfully. He began to play chess with the same keen eye that he'd used to examine the cube. His concentration was so intense that I couldn't believe he was a beginner, so I backed him into a corner without any lenience. I couldn't let him take away my hard-won opportunity to ask a question.
"Checkmate."
"…Ah."
I smirked as I knocked out his white king with my black rook that matched the color of his eyes. It was an easy win, but it was a decent play for a beginner who'd just learned the rules. It wouldn't be long before he caught up, so I'd enjoy the victory for now.
"Hmm, what should I ask you~"
I glanced at him, deliberately stalling, and he swallowed dryly, rolling his eyes nervously from side to side. Anyone who saw it would think he was on trial for a crime. Unable to hide my laughter bubbling up, I smiled and asked my first question.
"What's your name?"
"W-What?"
"Tell me your name. I still don't know it."
He let out a small sigh that I wasn't sure indicated if he was disappointed or relieved by the trivial question.
"….Sang Heo."
"Ah, you have a foreign name. What's the equivalent in Korean characters?"
"Sang Seori…."
"Hmm. It's nice."
Sang Heo. The bittersweet, serene name, as calm as a winter sea, suited him well.
"My name is Johan."
"I know."
"Huh? You knew?"
"Because the kids always say, 'Teacher Johan, Teacher Johan, Teacher Johan.'"
I couldn't help but feel happy. I didn't think he was interested in me at all, so I didn't expect him to remember my name. It felt as though the cat that'd always avoided my touch had actually been waiting for me.
"Then Sang-ee~"
"Sang…ee?"
"Yeah. It's Sang Heo, so Sang-ee. Why? Is it too soon to call you by your name?"
"N-No…"
His hands, fidgeting on the chessboard, looked particularly small.
"So you don't have a baptismal name yet, Sang-ee?"
I didn't think it was a difficult question, but no matter how long I waited, he didn't respond. I was getting anxious, wondering if I'd said something wrong, when Sang Heo raised his head stiffly and looked me straight in the eye.
"…Isn't it just one question per game?"
My head snapped up like someone had slapped me on the back of the head.
"Yeah, that's right. Then I guess I'll have to ask you another one next week."
"No. Let's play one more game."
"Right now?"
"Yeah… Is it ok…?"
What on earth? The child, who'd been so busy running away that he couldn't even make eye contact with me a moment ago, had suddenly become very bold. His eyes sparkled like a puppy with a treat before him. But I was so happy that I readily agreed, not realizing how late it'd become.
"If you're asking, then I guess I have to oblige."
"This time, I'm going to win."
"And what if I miss the last bus home while we're playing?"
"…You can just sleep over."
Did he want to beat me that badly?
Unfortunately, Sang didn't win. His losing streak continued for a month. Even though he lost each time, he wasn't discouraged at all. And I liked that the more we continued to play, the more I learned about him.
Sang Heo was derived from 'seori,' the Chinese character for 'frost'. I was surprised to hear that he was 13, only three years younger than me. I thought he was much younger than that because he was so small for his age. He also said that he wanted to be a hunter in the future. When I asked him why, he stiffly replied that he didn't want to worry about money.
Sang Heo still hadn't found out anything about me. He didn't know that my real name was Hajae Shin, and what would he say when he found out that we were only three years apart? I wouldn't be able to hear him call me 'teacher' anymore.
In any case, I lost track of time while playing chess with Sang Heo.
"Let's play one more game."
"Sang-ah, teacher has to go now…."
"Can't you sleep over again today?"
He didn't hesitate to ask now. I sometimes wondered if his anxiety to win the game was just because he wanted to win or because he wanted to know more about me. I hoped it was the latter.
Of course, I had no desire to lose. Still, his skills were quickly catching up with mine, which was a bit nerve-wracking. Perhaps a week from now, I could lose for the first time.
"It's too bad. I won again~"
Sang Heo sighed as he picked up the white king before humming cheekily.
"But now you have nothing left to ask me, do you, teacher?"
"Eh, I still have a few things left."
I clenched my jaw and thought for a moment, then spoke up.
"Then, Sang-ah."
"Yes?"
"Is there anything bothering you these days?"
I wanted to ask him about his day-to-day life, that I didn't know much about since I didn't work at the orphanage. I wanted to ask him if he was making friends with the other kids, whether he was sleeping okay, and whether he had any issues with his family. He might shut down if I asked him such a straightforward question, though.
But maybe I was too cautious.
"…You, teacher."
The answer came back unexpectedly.
"Hm?"
Let's not panic too much. He was on my mind these days, too, but that probably doesn't mean anything.
"Haha, is that so?"
I didn't want to make things even more awkward by asking what he meant, so I brushed it off, hoping my quick exit wouldn't make me look like I was running away.
****