The gloomy weather that'd lasted for several days seemed to change my mood. Still, I went to see Sang. If I didn't do that, I felt like I would end up back in the corner of my room, pressed against the floor.
But… is this okay? Shouldn't I stop seeing him? I can't trample the feelings that have already sprouted, so is it okay for me to see him every day?
Is it okay for us to get closer day by day?
It was a time when meaningless worries filled my head.
Tuk―.
"Huh?"
The king in front of me fell. While I was lost in other thoughts, Sang captured my king.
"…I won just now, right? Right?"
"Wow, this is crazy."
"Yes!"
Seeing Sang jump up with a cheer and clench his fists in pure joy made the distracting thoughts disturbing my mind disappear like snow.
Okay. Let's enjoy this moment just a little, just a little. Like a reporter who captures this day in their mind, a day I will never return to. I can just pretend that this feeling is friendship.
"Oh, I let my guard down."
I pretended to be angry and calmly waited for Sang to ask me his question.
But instead of asking, Sang stared at me without opening his mouth. I felt a bit nervous because I felt like I was being interrogated.
"I'm so nervous. Is this how you always felt?"
"Do you understand now?"
"…Yeah. Totally."
As I nodded slowly, the corner of Sang's mouth went up slightly.
"Ok, I'll ask my question."
What are you going to ask? My real name? Or my age? Where do I live? What do I do for work? What is my favorite food? I am willing to answer any question with sincerity. Soon, Sang cleared his throat and carefully opened his mouth.
"Teacher."
"Yes."
"Is there someone you like?"
For an instant, my expression hardened.
Among the many questions, why is it love? And why can't I answer readily? It could just be taken as a joke like a student asking a teacher to tell him about his first love. Why are you hesitating?
The longer the silence lasted, the more stiff Sang's expression became. The black eyes flickered more than usual as they looked to see what answer I would give. But no matter what Sang imagines, I won't be able to give him the answer he wants. No, I won't.
"There's no one I like."
"Really?"
"Yeah…and there won't be in the future."
His face, which had been bright for a moment, suddenly darkened as soon as I added the following words.
"...Why?"
No matter how much he asked, there was no way I could tell him the reason.
"Wasn't there one question per game?"
"…Then let's play one more round."
"Oh, you're confident you'll win?"
I tried to say it jokingly, but there was no smile on the corner of Sang's mouth.
I don't want the atmosphere to become heavy. I want to put serious talk aside, forget dark family stories or curses, and focus solely on the present. However, Sang didn't seem to want to ignore this topic. Then, there was nothing I could do. I have no choice but to gloss over it with the carefree attitude of an adult who's lived for three extra years.
"But what can I do? I have to leave for today."
"…How rude."
Even if you accuse me of cowardice, I have nothing to say since it's the right thing to do. Even though I was giggling, I glanced closely at him.
"Do you hate me for that?"
When I asked this, Sang always adamantly denied it. Every time, he looked to the side as if he was embarrassed for some reason, and his reaction was so cute that I kept looking at him without realizing it. But for some reason, Sang didn't give any answer as to what he was thinking.
Are you really angry…?
"Then I'll go."
When I quietly got up from my seat and opened the classroom door, a calm voice called me out.
"Teacher."
"Hm?"
"Can you stop asking that now?"
Could he tell that I was enjoying myself when I observed his reaction? Or does he really hate me now?
"Why?"
Even though I tried to pretend it was nothing and asked why, many thoughts came to mind.
Unlike me, who was nervous, Sang spoke without blinking.
"Because I could never hate you."
I'd momentarily forgotten it. But Sang has a talent for saying great things in a calm tone.
"Haha, …it's difficult if you like your teacher."
Once again, I had to laugh.
****
I turned around on my way to the bus stop and headed towards the cliff in front of the cathedral. Whenever I felt uneasy, I would always come here to organize my thoughts. But today, no matter how much I listened to the sound of the waves, I couldn't calm down.
The moon had already risen in the dark sky, but no light appeared in my heart.
'Teacher. Is there anyone you like?'
I can't love someone until I die. No, you shouldn't love. After reading my mother's will, I decided to embrace this curse and not pass it on to anyone else.
But I hesitated to answer that straightforward question. The word "no" did not come out, as if a stone were stuck in my throat.
Why? Why did I hesitate?
'Is there anything that's bothering you these days?'
'...You, teacher.'
At that time, my heart was shaking helplessly. Like a fool, I was so happy Sang might have the same feelings as me. Like any other young person, I searched the internet for things like 'how to confess to your crush'.
But it was no longer a time to be so carefree.
'Didn't you miss me?'
What if I had known about the curse a little sooner?
No, what if I could return to before I met Sang Heo?
'Because I will never end up hating you!
How can I get rid of the feelings that have already been created? Is there a way to do that? Should I just pretend not to know and bury my feelings? Can my feelings for Sang someday be passed off as a simple confusion with the many kinds of love in the world?
"Haha…"
I couldn't help but laugh.
Now, even if I blame my unfortunate fate, nothing will change.
Swoosh—.
I stood at the cliff's edge and looked down at the sea quietly. The black waves rushed in without hesitation and chipped away at the rocks. I felt like if I jumped into that place now, all my questions would disappear completely. So, without a moment of hesitation, I jumped into the sea.
Plop—!
I could hear the sound of water drops through my deaf ears. The cold sea slowly took away my body temperature. But why is it still the same in my head? As my hands and feet got colder, my mind became clearer. I wish I could just sink like this. I wish all the feelings I didn't want to admit would melt away.
Then I think I can end my life happily without loving anyone…
I surrendered myself to the lapping waves and gently closed my eyes.
How much time had passed? Even amid my haze, I faintly heard a sound.
"….each…."
My body shook violently. Unlike the sea that gently wrapped me, it was a rough touch. Is that why? I didn't want to open my eyes. I just wanted to drift like trash floating in the sea. Who is waking me up like this?
"Johan-hyung!"
I came to my senses when I heard the dry, cracked voice. I struggled to lift my eyelids and saw a pitch-black outline through my whitish vision. Only after my vision gradually returned did I realize that it was Sang. As soon as I saw the wet hair and clothes sticking to his skin, I couldn't help but burst into laughter.
"Bahah, why do you look like a drowned rat?"
No, it was me who was laughable. Although I had tried hard to erase Sang from my memory, I felt glad to see his face again. It was just that kind of decision—a shallow, brittle decision that only served as lip service.
Unlike me, Sang's face was horribly distorted. His eyes quickly became red, and it seemed like he'd burst into tears at even the slightest touch.
"...Sang-ah?"
Only then did I realize the seriousness of the situation, so I carefully called out his name. Sang closed his eyes tightly as if holding himself back. Soon, the voice from his pale lips was trembling unsightly.
"Is it because of me?"
"…What are you talking about?"
"Are you doing this because I'm causing trouble?"
"Heeey, of course not! I just ran because it looked cool."
I don't like anything serious. I just want to laugh and pass it off. Jumping into the sea was really the only thing that happened. I had no fear because I knew I wouldn't die anyway. But laughter became poisonous.
Sang, who was usually wary of even touching me, grabbed my collar tightly and screamed.
"Are you crazy? It was lucky I happened to see you; otherwise, you could've died!"
"....."
"Hyung? Are you listening to me?"
Sang, who'd been holding back his emotions, finally burst out. Even at that moment, I was busy observing him. His twisted face, eyes soaked in despair, and trembling lips were incredibly pitiful.
But if I said that seeing him like this made me feel truly loved, knowing someone would cry if I died made me feel reassured…what would he say?
"Don't worry. I'm not going to die."
"How can I not worry!"
You'd probably get mad like you are now, and I would store every bit of your angry face in my memory without batting an eye.
"Why are you doing this?"
"…..Sorry."
"I told you. No matter what you do, I won't get tired of you. I can't hate someone who keeps approaching me even though I keep pushing them away."
A tear clung to his long eyelashes and fell onto my lips. Was the bitterness because of the seawater left in my mouth, or was it the remnants of the emotions I'd cruelly scratched away?
Seeing Sang's twisted face made me want to hug and comfort him.
"Don't leave me behind, hyung."
"…Sang-ah."
"Don't abandon me."
As I slowly reached out my hand, Sang grabbed it tightly and muttered to himself. It was a prayer.
Even when we were at the cathedral for Mass, he never prayed. I thought it was because he didn't believe in God. But now he was praying to someone who might not even exist…just begging for me not to die.
Watching him, I was convinced.
Someday, I will surely fall in love with Sang. The boy who never showed his emotions was crying and praying for me, someone who couldn't die. How could my heart not be moved?
"I'm sorry."
As I reached out with my other hand to wipe his tears, I recalled my mother's last words.
She'd said that if you truly love someone, don't love them. Now, I could fully understand the meaning of that contradictory statement. She must've felt like this when she saw me clinging to her, begging her not to leave. An indescribable feeling of bitterness and regret.
"And don't worry."
So, on that day, a night when the stars were particularly visible, I made up my mind.
"I'm not going anywhere."
I decided to leave before I really fell for him.
I've never wanted to live long. Who knows if my feelings will change when I only have a month left to live, but that's how I feel right now. I didn't have a grand bucket list. Unlike my parents, I didn't dare to fight for others until the day I died. I just wanted to live a regular life and leave quietly.
But there was one thing I hoped for. I wished that at least one person would remember that I existed in this world. Like the well-known saying that a person only truly dies, not when they stop breathing, but when there's no one left to remember them. I wished there would be at least one person to keep vigil at my memorial.
And I hoped that person would be Sang.
It was the sole desire of someone who'd given up on everything.
****