This journey couldn't get more uncomfortable than it already was.
Yunxi sat across from the injured Nim. His head was tilted slightly in Yunxi's direction, but his eyes were closed, as if he were listening to his favorite piece of music.
But that wasn't it. He was in pain.
His wounds hadn't been tended to, not even covered, and Yunxi knew infection could set in any moment. His gaze lingered on Nim's shoulder, it looked bad. His eyes fell to the torn piece of cloth wrapped around it, the one he had ripped from his own clothes.
Time was crawling by. They hadn't eaten anything, only the little water they'd been given a day ago.
Yunxi looked at the quiet, still Nim, unmoving and silent. It scared him.
He tried calling out softly,
"Brother…"
No response.
"Brother Nim! Nim Si!"
Still nothing, except the faint rise and fall of Nim's chest.
The space inside the carriage was small, but somehow the gap between them felt like a chasm Yunxi couldn't cross. He just sat there, staring. He didn't know if what he felt was guilt, pity… or something far heavier.
It had been two days. Two days locked together, transported like illegal cargo.
Yunxi wanted to tear the whole carriage apart. He was uneasy, sitting here, across from Nim, suffocating in his own thoughts.
Why did that bastard do this… and then make me take the shame?
He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to face this silence. Nim wasn't even looking at him, and that alone made Yunxi's heart twist painfully. He wanted to reach out… but at the same time, he hated himself for wanting to.
Because wasn't he the reason for all of this?
Wasn't he the cause of everything bad that had happened to Nim?
If only he hadn't gone out looking for him that day. If only he hadn't gone to the hospital. If only he hadn't become friends with Nim in the first place.
Yunxi's mind drifted back, to that day.
The day Nim fell. The day he became paralyzed.
Kim Jihwan, the former minister, had warned Yunxi never to step foot in that village again. He and his wife had heard rumors of what happened, rumors about their son's rape case. They hadn't asked for details. They didn't want them.
The minister simply said, "Stay away."
Yunxi had begged. He had cried.
"How is he? Is he going to be okay?"
But guilt silenced him. The truth was too heavy to speak. Everyone already believed he was lucky to escape a curse. That he had gotten away unscathed from something unforgivable.
How could he tell the truth now?
His family would be ruined. His father wouldn't be able to face the Emperor. The people would destroy them.
So he stayed quiet.
Because he could only think of himself.
Like the selfish person he was.
---
"Have you ever thought of anyone?"
The sudden question snapped him out of his thoughts.
Nim's eyes were open now, red, wet, trembling. His lips quivered as he tried to shift position, but he was too weak. He had lost alot of blood, and so he failed and slumped again, still breathing shallowly.
Yunxi didn't move. Didn't speak. He just sat there, staring blankly.
The silence between them grew heavy. Nim stared at him, at the boy's eyes that now looked… unfamiliar. Cold.
"What happened?" Nim's voice was hoarse. "How can you just… change like this?"
"Have you always…" he hesitated, searching Yunxi's face, "been like this? Why didn't you..."
"Why did you kill him?"
The words cut sharply through the air. Nim froze. That wasn't what he expected.
Yunxi's eyes were raw, defiant… empty.
"Why did I kill him?" Nim echoed, almost to himself. "I did it for y—"
"Well, I didn't ask you to," Yunxi snapped, his gaze flicking away. "I didn't ask you to do shit for me."
He looked back at him, voice trembling with restrained anger.
"I came to you for help, and you shut me out. Then you kill some guy I don't even care about, and say it was for me?" Yunxi sneered, pointing at his chest with his thumb. "You killed someone."
"Don't speak like it's something new to you!" Nim shot back. "Don't pretend you're a saint. You talk like you've never done anything wrong!"
"I haven't," Yunxi replied coldly.
Nim scoffed. "You're lying."
"I've never murdered anyone for another," Yunxi said sharply. "Call it what you want, but I don't do things for people who aren't me. I've never done it, and I'm not starting now."
Nim stared, stunned.
So what were those tears for, back then? What were all those apologies for?
Nim couldn't believe this boy.
"What about then?" Nim asked again, his tone softer now, almost tired. "Did you care? Could you have done something for me before…" he let out a bitter laugh, "…before the rape?"
The words landed like a knife.
Nim had never brought it up before, not even when Yunxi came to see him after the Emperor, who was still the crown prince left for his studies in the North. He had buried it all this time. But maybe now… was the moment.
"I don't want to talk about it," Yunxi said flatly. His voice was low, strained. His eyes glistened, threatening tears.
"But I want to talk about it. Why did you do it?"
Nim groaned in pain as he pushed himself forward until they were face-to-face.
"I already apologized," Yunxi said, voice cold as ice. He wanted to move away, but there was nowhere to go.
"You could've said something, anything,....but not that. Why?" Nim's voice cracked, tears spilling freely now.
Yunxi didn't answer. His gaze stayed fixed on the side, refusing to meet Nim's eyes.
"Yunxi…"
The carriage doors creaked. Someone outside was trying to open them. Both turned toward the sound, but then it stopped.
Nim looked back at Yunxi, whose eyes hadn't left him.
"Just say something…" Nim whispered.
"You don't understand…" Yunxi's voice trembled like a plea, like he was begging to be left alone.
Nim lifted his blood-stained hand and gently pressed it against Yunxi's chin, forcing his face upward. Yunxi's eyes darted down to his lap, too afraid that if he looked into Nim's eyes, the man might see his demons.
"Try me," Nim murmured.
For a long moment, neither of them moved.
Then Yunxi's expression changed. That innocence… that softness vanished. In its place was a stranger, eyes too calm, too confident, too cold.
Nim felt a shiver crawl down his spine.
Still he pressed
"Just tell me why,"
"Talk to me…"
Yunxi blinked twice. The coldness in his gaze froze Nim in place.
The carriage door burst open.
Yunxi looked toward it for a moment, then back at Nim.
"I was just surviving."
With that, he crawled toward the open door and stepped out, leaving Nim stunned and hollow.
---
This was expected.
What did Nim Si think he'd get, a genuine apology?
He was surviving?
He too was surviving, with someone....him. But Yunxi was different. Yunxi was surviving....alone.
And that thought disturbed Nim.
He realized he had never truly understood Yunxi. Not in all those years. Perhaps Yunxi had always been like this. Perhaps Nim was the one who had been blind.
That strange face, the one he had feared, the one he thought was just a mask hiding the real soft Yunxi, was the boy's true face.
And that innocent, angel-like boy…
was the mask.