Hiding a yawn, I stood in line with a patience I don't think you can appreciate. I know you don't, because if you appreciated patience at all, you wouldn't be reading my diary now, would you?
Anyway.
I stood between Mudge and Penelope, who had left her maid outfit at home and seemed to regret doing so. Now and then her fingers would absently pluck at the space where her skirt ruffles might have fluffed out.
In front of us, a young woman with bright red hair and a figure which might have been incredibly attractive if I didn't still have Violet's exquisite curves still etched into my recent memory.
And the soft touch of her lips on my cheek.
And the floral scent of her perfume in my nostrils.
I let out a sigh.
"Would you like me to murder them all, sir?" Penelope asked. "To hurry the line along?"
"No," I said with a wave of my hand. "That sort of things irritates the local guard."
I decided not to tell her how I knew this.
Mudge scratched one large buttock as he peered out over the queue in front of us. "Won't be long," he said.
"You said that ages ago," Penelope pointed out.
"Well, it's true this time."
"You said that, too."
The young woman in front of us scowled. "Will you people please be quiet? I'm trying to concentrate."
"Concentrate?" Mudge frowned. "On what?"
"None of your business!"
The young woman had three guards, I noticed. Elite, too, by looks of them. Each bore their own fair share of scars from a lifetime of service.
I recognised their uniform as belonging to a local Lord but couldn't recall his name so decided he couldn't be all that important. Not that I would be rude enough to inform her of this fact.
I had manners, after all.
The three guards did their best to appear unphased by Mudge towering over them or Penelope's black armour exuding an aura of frozen death.
But one did bow slightly to the young lady and mutter something which made her snort. "I will not let commoners ruin my concentration," she hissed back at him. "If they speak again, Hawkins, I want you to kill them."
With that, she spun away and crossed her arms across her plump breasts.
Hawkins lifted his chin to stare up at Mudge, who returned his gaze with a lopsided grin.
"I don't like yer chances, mate," Mudge said, not too unkindly.
Hawkins gulped.
Penelope put a hand to her waist.
I glanced down.
"Did you forget your sword, Penelope?"
The death knight's shoulder's slumped. "I'm sorry."
"Want a leg?" Mudge asked.
Penelope cocked her head at him. "A leg?"
"Yeah," he tapped a rusty old spatial ring on his finger. "I got a few spare. They're mostly cow, but if you want something smaller, I got a boar or two."
"You're going to hit things with a leg?" I asked, frowning at him.
"I forgot my bucket."
"And your cleaver?"
"Grimsby said I'm not allowed to take it out of the tower because I'll lose it," he said sheepishly.
"Ah."
"Are the boar legs any good?" Penelope asked.
"Not bad," he said. "Grimsby fixed them up real nice. Want to see?"
"Sure."
The Abomination rummaged inside his spatial ring before pulling out a large thick bone which glowed darkly with necrotic energy.
Hawkins hissed, putting an arm between the bone and the young woman who yelped as the other guards pulled swords.
"Here," Mudge said, passing it to Penelope. "Whatcha think?"
"Dark magic!" Hawkins cried as everyone in the line scrambled to put as much space between themselves and us as they could without losing their place in the queue. "Stay back, Miss Penterberry!"
"Penterberry!" I snapped my fingers as it made sense. The little design on their uniforms were stylized berries. "I remember now. Lord Victor Penterberry! Little man. Little eyes. Looks like a weasel."
"How dare you speak of my father like that! Hawkins! Kill him!"
"It's not bad," Penelope said, hefting the bone. "A bit unbalanced, though."
"Yeah," Mudge said, scratching at his buttock again. "Can't help it with bones. Some are better than others."
"Hawkins!" The young lady screeched. "I said kill him!"
Hawkins took a half-step towards me.
Mudge backslapped him without even looking, sending the grizzled guard spinning to the ground.
"Here," he said to Penelope as he then pulled out another bone. "Try this."
She swapped bones and gave the new one a practice swing while Hawkins lay on the ground, his shattered nose spurting blood.
"I think he needs a healer," I said helpfully to the young woman.
"Hawkins!" She stomped a foot. "Get up! Get up and kill him! I order you!"
Hawkins blinked, clearly dazed. He tried to get to his feet, but couldn't keep his balance and fell on his ass. Blood bubbled down his chin.
"Don't get up, mate," Mudge advised with a considerate smile. "It'll only hurt more."
"How dare you!" The woman growled. "Do you know who I am?"
"A Penterberry, I imagine," I said.
"I am Lady Arista Penterberry." She pulled herself up to her full height which was still below five foot. "And I shall have satisfaction immediately."
"Good luck with that," Mudge said.
"Tennison! Blake! Kill him!"
The two guards winced. They looked at me like they really wanted to go to the bathroom.
I shrugged back at them.
"Be gentle, Mudge," I said.
He was as gentle as he could be and the two guards were on their backs before Arista had a chance to squawk anything else.
I held her gaze.
"Arista Penterberry," I said, tasting the name. I didn't like it. "You go to the Mage Guild, don't you?"
I could feel her start to gather her mana. "I do, you filthy peasant. And I'm going to-"
"Oi!" A small trio of guards stomped out of nowhere. "What's going on here?"
Arista smirked, her eyes flashing with smug joy. "This peasant assaulted my guards! I want him arrested immediately!"
"Sir?" One of the guards squinted at me. Then gawped at Mudge, who smiled back at him. "Is that right?"
"She asked her guards to kill me," I told them. "I didn't feel like dying, so I let my chef deal with them."
"Chef?" Arista choked on the word. "That's a chef?"
"He makes the best pastries in all of Waggenrook," I confirmed. "Maybe even in this world."
Mudge blushed brightly. "Aww."
"Be that as it may," the guard continued. "Fighting in line is against the rules."
"There!" Arista crowed. "Arrest them!"
Without a word, I pulled out a small token and handed it to him.
He looked at the token.
And his face paled.
"George?" One of the other guards asked. "There a problem?"
"No," George said with an audible gulp as he thrust the token back into my hand. "Sir, would you like to come with me? We can get you into the dungeon straight away."
"I wouldn't want to skip the line," I said as Arista's eyes bulged. "I'm quite happy to wait."
"It's no trouble," Guard George said quickly. "Really! Please. Come with us."
"Well, if you insist…"
"What?" Arista shrieked, her face white with fury. "What are you doing? I said to arrest him! Not to escort him to the dungeon! If anyone should be skipping the line, it should be me! I'm Arista Penterberry, do you hear? Lady Arista Penterberry!"
"Yes, Lady Penterberry," George said, turning away and motioning for us to follow. "I heard you. Sir, do you want her arrested?"
"No," I said. Then gave her the kindest smile I could muster as we headed towards the archway which sheltered the glowing portal leading into the dungeon's heart. "Let her enter if she wants…"