Lu Linglong pushed Zhǐ Jǐn Huā forward and introduced her with a grin. *"Everyone, I think you already know her—this is my best friend in this world, Zhǐ Jǐn Huā!"*
Zhǐ Jǐn Huā, slightly flustered by the attention, gave a shy wave. *"Hello, I'm Zhǐ Jǐn Huā. Nice to meet you all."*
Gintoki immediately swooped in, flashing a dazzling smile. *"Huā'er-chan! I'm the ever-charming, ever-dashing Sakata Gintoki! Gin-san came all this way just to see *you*! Gin-san *adores* you!"*
Zhǐ Jǐn Huā took an imperceptible step back, forcing a polite smile. *"Uh… Sakata Gintoki, right? Linglong's mentioned you."*
Gintoki's eyes sparkled. *"Really?! How'd she praise me? Tell Gin-san *everything*!"*
Zhǐ Jǐn Huā coughed awkwardly. *"She told me to protect myself and stay far, *far* away from you."*
***Bursts of laughter erupted.***
Gintoki froze, turning into a literal *statue* of despair. *"Why… why does everyone treat Gin-san like this…?"*
---
The group spent the morning touring Longhu Mountain's front peaks, led by Lu Linglong and Zhǐ Jǐn Huā.
To Su Xiaoqi, the scenery wasn't much different from the ancient towns he'd visited before—just food stalls and souvenir shops. The only upgrade? Instead of hanging out with a bunch of dudes, he now had *two* beauties by his side.
Gintoki, meanwhile, didn't spare a single glance at the scenery. His full attention was laser-focused on Lu Linglong and Zhǐ Jǐn Huā—especially the latter, his newfound *"crush."*
As they approached the Heavenly Teacher's residence, a familiar voice suddenly rang out nearby.
*"Young benefactor, your features suggest a celestial destiny!"*
*"Your palm lines foretell great fortune and longevity!"*
*"This was forged when my ancestor battled a *ten-thousand-year fire qilin* in an epic 80,000-round showdown—"*
*"Not 98,000! Not 9,800! Just *998*!"*
*"Damn, that's awesome! I'll take it!"*
Gintoki's face twisted in disgust. *"Ugh, why'd Gin-san have to run into *that* airhead here? Let's get away from this lunatic."*
Su Xiaoqi smirked at Lu Linglong. *"Come on, let's say hi to your *lover*."*
Zhǐ Jǐn Huā blinked. *"Linglong… since when were you and Zhāng Chǔlán dating?"*
Lu Linglong's face flushed. *"D-Dating?! We're just *friends*!"*
Hearing her voice, Zhāng Chǔlán turned and jogged over with a grin. *"Linglong! Long time no see!"*
Gintoki instantly blocked him, scowling. *"Hey, *No-Shame Zhāng*, 'Linglong' is *Gin-san's* nickname for her! Back off!"*
Zhāng Chǔlán gave him a once-over. *"Dude, who the hell are you? 'No-Shame Zhāng'? *You're* the one who looks sketchy with that outdated white perm. Get with the times, man."*
Gintoki's eye twitched. *"Who's your *dude*?! Stop inserting yourself into the script! Gin-san doesn't associate with shameless hacks like you!"*
Zhāng Chǔlán rolled up his sleeves. *"Oh, you wanna start something? Don't think I'm scared just 'cause you're cosplaying with a wooden sword."*
Gintoki mirrored him. *"Bring it! Gin-san'll wreck you with just his *golden balls*!"*
Then—
***"What the hell are you two bickerin' about?"***
A cold voice cut through the argument.
Zhāng Chǔlán stiffened, slowly turning to face the speaker. *"B-B-B-Baobao-jie! This white-haired idiot started it! He called me 'No-Shame Zhāng'! You know me—would *I* ever be that kind of guy?!"*
Féng Bǎobǎo gave a slow nod. *"Mmm. He's right."*
Gintoki smirked triumphantly. *"Hah! See—"*
But before his victory could settle in, Bǎobǎo added, *"But your hair's ugly. Outta fashion. *Lame.*"*
***Gintoki's soul left his body.***
***Cue uproarious laughter.***
Su Xiaoqi, Lu Linglong, and Zhāng Chǔlán were *wheezing*. Even Zhu Zhuqing, Tokisaki Kurumi, and Zhǐ Jǐn Huā stifled giggles behind their hands.
Ignoring the chaos, Bǎobǎo pointed at Su Xiaoqi's tail. *"Hey. That tail real?"*
Su Xiaoqi wiped tears from his eyes. *"Hah—w-wait, you're serious? Tell me this look's cool first, then I'll answer."*
Bǎobǎo pondered for a second. *"Better than the wooden sword guy. He's *super* lame."*
Su Xiaoqi *lost it* again. *"Hahahaha! Are you *trying* to kill me?!"*
Bǎobǎo, unfazed, continued. *"Where'd you buy the tail? Got a women's version? Gimme the link. Most importantly—*free shipping?*"*
***More hysterical laughter.***
Su Xiaoqi clutched his stomach. *"I'm—hahaha—*dying*! Oh my god!"*
Bǎobǎo tilted her head. *"Why you laughin'? Just gimme the link first."*
***"WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE!"***
Gintoki, *finally* snapping out of his existential crisis, stormed up to Bǎobǎo. *"Who the *hell* are you to call Gin-san lame, huh?!"*
*"Look at *you*! Wearing men's clothes, hair a mess—people probably think *you're* the dude here!"*
*"So what gives *you* the right to trash Gin-san's impeccable style, huh?!"*
Bǎobǎo studied him for a long moment, then deadpanned:
***"Because you're an idiot."***
***Seven words. Seven *lethal* words.***
Gintoki's soul *shattered*.
*"O-Oh, it's *on* now! Féng Bǎobǎo, you're the *first* to dare disrespect Gin-san like this!"*
*"Heard you got some *'Āwēi Eighteen Moves'*, huh? Well, Gin-san's got *Thirty-Six Moves*! Let's see who's *lame* now!"*
Bǎobǎo blinked. *"How'd you know my name *and* my moves?"*
*"I—GAH! Gin-san's had *enough*! Xiaoqi, *don't stop me*—Gin-san's teaching this lunatic a lesson!"*
Su Xiaoqi, still laughing: *"Who's stopping you? Go ahead! I wanna see this *Fifty-Four Move Combo*!"*
Zhāng Chǔlán, egging it on: *"Baobao-jie! *Destroy* him! This white-haired clown's *begging* for it!"*
***WHACK!***
Bǎobǎo bonked Zhāng Chǔlán on the head. *"I told you—call me *Master*, not 'Baobao-jie'."*
She then turned back to Gintoki. *"Zhāng Chǔlán says you're showin' off. That true?"*
Gintoki glanced at the groaning Zhāng Chǔlán and *immediately* backpedaled. *"S-Show off? Pfft, nah! Gin-san was just… *lovingly interacting* with you! Ahahaha…"*
Bǎobǎo looked at Su Xiaoqi. *"This guy your friend?"*
Su Xiaoqi: *"Never seen him before in my life."*
Bǎobǎo nodded. *"Mmm. Thought so. You should take him to a doctor. I know a good one. But first—*tail link*."*
Su Xiaoqi grinned. *"Pinduoduo. 9.9 yuan. Free shipping, and a warranty."