I walked down the hallway on tiptoe, like I was floating on a cotton candy cloud. My sighs could probably be heard from meters away. There was something so dreamy in me, so cherry-red, so whimsical… it felt like I had just met the most wonderful person in the world, even if that wasn't exactly true. My thoughts were flooded with made-up stories where he was the center of my universe. Like one of those romantic shows where everything is meant to be.
My behavior was clearly different—that wasn't like me. Even the regulars in the hallway, used to seeing me with a blank expression, could tell.
I walked into class with a huge smile that didn't fit the seriousness of the moment—we were taking our final exams.
"What happened to you now? Why are you so happy?" Victoria asked. A small whisper-scream escaped me, full of uncontrollable excitement. "I went out with him today." She squealed with me, grabbing my hands, making everyone turn to look at us. I didn't care. Nothing else mattered in that moment but my apparent happiness.
During break, I walked to the cafeteria by myself, greeting everyone with overwhelming joy. Everything was perfect until I ran into Adrien's blank face, standing right in front of me.
"I heard about it, but there's something you need to know."I grabbed his shoulders, pretending to be annoyed."You know what?... yeah" I said, turning around to walk beside him. But he stopped abruptly.
"Not like that, babe. I'm not the one who's going to tell you," he said, looking to the left. There stood a girl I only vaguely recognized.
"Hi Maddie," she said."You've met Steiler before, haven't you?" Adrien asked her directly."Well, yeah. Let me tell you—last year he was trying to get with me. He's younger than me, so I didn't take him seriously, but he was really rude. He's disrespectful and has anger issues. You might not want to get too close."
I didn't say anything for a few seconds, my eyes locked on the university's basketball team across the courtyard.
I couldn't reconcile the guy I had just met with the one she was describing."Thanks for the warning," I said and took Adrien by the arm to walk away.
"Why did you do that?" I asked mid-step."I just don't want anything bad to happen to you," he said, full of regret. I looked at him and smiled—his intention to protect me was sweet, but unnecessary.
In the next class, I turned in my exam half blank. I didn't even try to answer it right. I just wanted to leave, grab my phone from the plastic box, and text him—to see if what I had just heard was true.
So I did, in the fastest way possible, as if it were my last chance. I rushed to pick up my phone.
As lonely as always, I stood in the middle of the hallway to check my notifications. I was full of hope, convinced he had liked me just as much as I had liked him. With courage, I turned on the screen.No messages. An ambiguous silence, paired with the cold hallway air, wrapped around me.
"He's probably still out" I thought. "There's no way he doesn't want to talk to me."
Pure denial. I didn't want to face the messy reality; I wanted to stay in that state because it was addictive. I hadn't been interested in anyone for a long time, so a little dopamine felt like a drop of water in the desert. I wanted an oasis to grow in my heart, so if I had to catch the water genie, I was going to do it no matter what.
"Hyd?" followed by a sparkling emoji. I sent it.
It was like throwing the bread of my dignity in the trash to beg for attention. Of course, there was no immediate reply, and I knew there wouldn't be any more. I just decided to ignore it.
As the hours passed and my illustrations filled the canvas, I sat silently for a moment thinking about what was wrong with me, what he probably didn't like. I mean, my ears were too weird. And don't even get me started on my hair — half straight, half brittle, way too dry. I had started an internal trial with no defense, and I was losing. The verdict? I wasn't pretty enough, and the mirror in front of me confirmed it.
I know it was wrong to base all my worth on that, but I felt like there was no solution to my situation, and I didn't know what to do.
With his silence, the days passed, pushed forward by the cold winter wind of the season. It was November; everything was turning from orange to red. The Christmas holidays were just around the corner, supermarkets were packed with decorations, and the big Christmas tree was about to be unveiled in the city center.
Until then, I hadn't felt like doing anything — and Victoria knew it, my newfound close friend. We had planned to meet at six, so I went out to wait by the building's entrance.
Suddenly, the sound of music caught my attention. A parade was coming down the street, right in front of me. It was one of the Thanksgiving parades. That made me smile a little. Seeing the joy of children in their adorable festive costumes, I felt a brief warmth, interrupted by the looming figure of a tall boy — similar to a certain someone. Without thinking twice, I quickly slipped back inside the building. I peeked through one of the entrance's tinted windows — those you can't be seen through — shielding myself from any unwanted interaction.
There he was, yes, he looked like him, but it wasn't him. It was another boy, a bit taller and more muscular, leading the kids marching with the fire department.
I exhaled the tension I'd been holding and took a deep breath. By then, the parade had already passed.
I saw Vicky's white truck park, so I went out to meet her. When I opened the door, I was surprised to see Olivia O'Donell sitting in the passenger seat.
"Liv is coming with us today. I didn't tell you earlier, it was to support you," Victoria said. I said nothing and opened the back door—there was Karl. As soon as he gave me a disgusted look, clearly directed at Livy, I let out a small laugh and fastened my seatbelt.
I wasn't exactly for or against it, but it was definitely weird. She wasn't my friend—just a classmate who got along well with Victoria. But Karl didn't like her one bit, so the atmosphere was tense. Karl kept dropping passive-aggressive comments.
When we stopped at a red light, a clinking sound came from the back compartment. Karl lunged forward and pulled out three grocery bags. I opened them immediately—they were bottles of alcohol.
"I brought some gifts," Victoria said, looking at me through the rearview mirror. "Obviously, they're for my friend" Karl added as he handed me a bottle. Without thinking, I grabbed a bottle of vodka and opened it. I took a few sips and didn't stop. Each drive through downtown felt more suffocating. Newly installed Christmas lights illuminated my face. I couldn't hide in the comfort of the night's darkness. I heard them talking but only half-listened; it was just me and my strange feeling of emptiness.
Karl looked at me from the other side, worried, but all he did was pat my head to show support.
"Oh, Maddie knows him," I heard someone say. I jumped up."Who?" I asked. Olivia showed me her phone—it was Steiler himself. My heart stopped for a second, along with my breath. Karl quickly grabbed the phone, looked carefully, and then handed it back.
"Who is that?" he asked silently, so no one would hear or see."I'll tell you later," I replied.
"Oh yeah, he's a great guy," I said sarcastically."Really? I'm going to accept his friend request," Olivia said, smiling. Victoria and I exchanged confused looks.
"And what do you know about him?" Olivia asked next. Karl subtly shook his head "no." I was ready to pass this mess to someone else, so I didn't hold back.
"He's very kind. Actually, once he gave me a ride to college because there was no bus."
"How did that happen?" Olivia asked, catching me off guard."It's because his mom knows Steiler's mom," Karl helped explain. We just passed by his street."He lives around there, by a café," I finished.
Olivia, excited, fixed her hair and started putting on lipstick. "Let's stop by. I want to see how cute he is." I was speechless—I didn't think she'd actually like him. Victoria had no choice but to turn left and go there.
We drove slowly, as if looking for parking. There he was, standing by the door with his youngest stepbrother, play-wrestling. It looked like a scene from a movie about a perfect family.
As soon as Olivia saw him, she smiled, clearly smitten by his looks. She didn't take her eyes off him until we had driven far enough away.
At that moment, I pulled out my phone and pretended to be on Facebook. I didn't want to look at him. Somehow, that shallow story had already ended for me. Karl noticed and came over to give me a hug.
At Victoria's house, we stayed inside the parked car for a few minutes.
"God, he's so handsome. And did you see how he played with his little stepbrother?" she said, biting her lip slightly.
"Stepbrother, but yeah. He's got something" I replied, taking another sip from the bottle of rum.
Suddenly, a notification popped up on Olivia's phone. She looked at the screen and gasped. "Oh God!" She turned the phone toward us and showed the 12 notifications, one after another, like a cascade of rain falling unfairly on lands that don't deserve it, and not where you want it. All were from Steiler — he had liked her posts and her highlights.
"Wow," I said, genuinely surprised. "Well, talk to him, don't waste time, girl," I said, taking another drink. Karl snatched the bottle from me abruptly, spilling a little on the floor.
I felt defeated; what I had thought about myself was confirmed right there. Olivia was beautiful; it made sense she got likes from him and I didn't. With a lump in my throat, I got out of the car pretending I needed to vomit. Although I felt nauseous, I didn't actually throw up what I was feeling. I was disgusted, like abruptly discovering a harsh truth. And it wasn't because of him — it was how I saw myself, because deep down, I felt I was worthless.
When I came out of the bathroom, Livy was gone and only Karl, Victoria, and I were left in the living room. There was no conversation for a few minutes. I wrapped myself like a burrito in a blanket and started eating popcorn.
On the TV was The Crown, right in season four where Princess Diana suffers tragically a lot. As the story unfolded, I sank deeper into my own pain, disguising my tears as empathy. That night I cried watching her come alive again — not because of what was happening on screen, but because of what was inside me and what I related to.
The newly set-up Christmas tree next to me made everything feel ten thousand times sadder. It was unfair in a way, but I knew it wasn't the end of the world.
That was my early Christmas gift — finding out it wasn't what I thought it was.
So late that night, when everyone was asleep, under the Christmas lights and the shining star at the top, I took my phone and unfollowed him on Instagram without hesitation. I was completely determined never to talk to him again because it wasn't good for me — neither the pain nor the horrible way I compared myself. I had to stop.
And I thought, during all this time walking the streets of that picturesque city, I had never bumped into him, not even by accident. I was convinced that line of fate would never find me again. This would be like a love letter in a bottle, with an anonymous sender.
That should have been the end of everything.