I like guys.
I don't know when it started.
Before I knew it, I was uncomfortable around women and found myself only looking at men.
But my type has always been cute, or beautiful...
So I never thought I'd fall for him.
He's my senior's friend, and totally not my type at all.
A little self-centered, and he gets lonely easily.
Where did it all begin?
Yeah, it probably began at that Christmas party.
***
"Let's throw a Christmas party at my place!"
"Huh?!"
It was a week before Christmas, and I was out drinking with Nada-san when he suddenly blurted that out.
Wait, "my place"?
And just the two of us, Nada-san?
No way, that's impossible, right?
He grinned at me, seeing how flustered I was.
"Of course, let's invite Isamu and Ou-san too. I'll ask Isamu, so you handle Ou-san, okay?"
"..."
I was about to say, "No, no way, I can't," but seeing Nada-san's smile, I swallowed my words.
Nada-san is a business contact from the company, and a friend of my senior, Mita Isamu.
This April, I got a job at a lighting fixture company called Keira. The reason I chose Keira was because Mita-senpai was there.
A year ago, when I traveled to China, I met an incredibly beautiful Chinese person. His partner – the person he liked – was Mita-senpai, and I initially approached him out of pure curiosity. But I was captivated by my senior's cuteness and ended up making a move on him. Then, a terrifyingly beautiful Chinese man named Wang Xiuxiong appeared on the scene and completely turned the tables on me.
So, thanks to me, they, who had been on bad terms, ended up having a happy ending. It was around that time that Nada-san started inviting me out. Nada-san used to hang out a lot with Mita-senpai, but ever since Mita-senpai started dating Xiuxiong and even moved in with him, Nada-san's social life seemed to have taken a hit.
That's why I started getting invited instead of my senior.
He must know I'm gay, yet he still invites me.
Sometimes, I wonder if he's interested in me, but unfortunately, he's completely straight.
I can't possibly bring that up.
Besides, he's not even my type.
I like beautiful or cute things.
Nada-san isn't ugly, but he's not cute, nor is he beautiful.
He has a subtle face, somewhere between a goofy character and a handsome one.
But because he's not ugly, he seems to do well with women, but he's also a pitiful guy who always gets dumped.
No, I can't really talk.
I, too, had just been dumped by my boyfriend.
"Tadashi. I really want to be in love with someone more mature. So, I'm sorry."
My cute boyfriend said that and dumped me.
Damn it.
Apparently, my mature-looking face also gives the wrong impression of my personality.
And that gap, it seems, is why my boyfriends always cool off on me.
"Japan's not having Christmas holidays, it's so annoying, right? No choice then, Tadashi, come shopping with me on the 23rd," Nada-san said, patting my shoulder, seemingly having planned out Christmas all by himself while I was lost in thought.
Christmas.
It's a day for lovers to spend time happily together.
To throw a Christmas party on a day like that and invite those two... that's impossible. It's way too reckless!
Xiuxiong is quite a scary person.
I really don't think he'd agree to it.
I went to work the next day, carrying a heavy heart.
However, it seems God was on my side, and my mission was settled during lunchtime.
"Kihara-kun. Nada's throwing a Christmas party, huh? He's really selfish, isn't he? Kihara-kun, I'm sorry to ask, but please just go along with it. We're going too, you know."
"...You'll come?!"
"Of course. Last year, when I was alone, Nada invited me. This year, he looks lonely by himself. And Xiuxiong said it was okay too."
God, thank you!
I nearly screamed in excitement but managed to hold back, bowing my head to Mita-senpai.
"Oh, but Xiuxiong said not to invite any girls because they're noisy. Kihara-kun, that's okay with you, right?"
"...Yes,"
I don't like girls either, especially the kind Nada-san tends to prefer.
I have female friends too, but they're mostly the no-nonsense, straightforward type.
I don't like those overly "girly-girl" types.
All that cuteness, I get enough of it from boys.
"...Kihara-kun. I don't mean to imply anything, but... you're not making a move on Nada, are you?"
"?! Of course not!"
I accidentally choked on the coffee I'd just drunk.
No way.
Making a move on Nada-san? Not in a million years, even if the world turned upside down.
"That's good then."
Mita-senpai looked relieved, smiling at me as I coughed and sputtered.
How incredibly rude! It's not like I'm interested in just any guy.
The only reason I even made a move on Mita-senpai was because he was so cute.
Really, his simple nature, his big eyes that make his emotions easy to read – he's truly adorable.
Even now, my heart occasionally flutters, but the moment I remember Xiuxiong, that feeling instantly vanishes.
Xiuxiong, despite how he looks, is incredibly jealous.
Even when I'm out drinking for company gatherings, he sends terrifying emails, worried I might make a move on my senior.
Mita-senpai probably doesn't know, but he's quite deeply loved by Xiuxiong.
Being loved to that extent feels a little scary, but well, since Mita-senpai looks happy, I guess that's fine.
And then, the Sunday before Christmas Eve arrived.
I was out shopping with Nada-san.
"What should I do about the chicken? KFC? No, since it's a special occasion, maybe I should fry it myself," Nada-san mumbled to himself, looking at the chicken in his shopping basket.
"...Nada-san, you can cook?"
"Yeah, I love cooking. I always show off my skills to girls, but then I usually get dumped afterwards. Why is that, I wonder? For me, I just want girls to be there for me, you know?"
He suddenly looked sad as he said that.
"I don't really understand girls, but maybe they're put off if their boyfriend is better at cooking than them?"
"You think so? I see, so that's why I got dumped."
Nada-san slumped his shoulders in dejection and sat right down on the spot.
"Every year, around Christmas, I get dumped. That's why I usually throw a Christmas party at my place. This year, Wang-san said he doesn't want girls around, so it's just the four of us. But usually, I invite girls too. The girls who came seemed happy, but it's different when it comes to being a boyfriend, huh?"
"...Probably."
At my words, Nada-san froze, remaining in his squatting position.
"Nada-san! Are you okay?"
I got a little worried and tapped his slumped shoulder.
"...I'll try harder next year."
He said that weakly and then stood up. As he started to walk unsteadily, I regretted what I had just said.
"Alright. I guess that's everything? Tadashi, is there anything else you need to buy?"
But Nada-san, with his quick recovery, had regained his usual energy as shopping neared its end.
I looked at the shopping list he held out to me.
And then I noticed something.
"...Christmas cake. Aren't you buying a cake?"
"Gah, that's right! I have to reserve one."
So, we went around to cake shops. However, reservations were already closed, meaning we'd have to try to get one on the day itself.
"I wonder if I'll be able to buy one on the day. Since it'll be after work. Well, I plan to finish by 5."
"...Worst case, couldn't we just go without a cake?"
"No, a cake is absolutely essential!"
Nada-san groaned, carrying shopping bags in both hands.
His distress was so pitiful that an idea came to me.
"...Should I make one?"
"Huh? Tadashi, you can bake?"
"Uh, yeah, sort of."
I'm actually good at cooking too.
Making sweets is what I enjoy the most, and usually, when I give my homemade sweets to a boyfriend, I get dumped the next day.
Apparently, the gap between my mature-looking face and my baking skills is too wide, and it puts them off.
Huh, wait. Am I just like Nada-san?
Realizing that, I couldn't help but laugh.
Nada-san and I actually have a lot in common.
If we ever talked about our heartbreaks, it'd probably be a close match.
"Then, it's all yours! Homemade always tastes better."
With that single remark from Nada-san, I ended up being in charge of making the cake, and the tools for baking were to be moved to Nada-san's place by the end of the day.
"Wow. It's like a specialty sweets shop."
Nada-san sighed as he entered my apartment and saw the kitchen.
It was normal for me, but having a home bakery machine and cake molds seemed to surprise him.
"Tadashi... Can you make a Bûche de Noël?"
"Uh, yeah, I can. Though I can't do the sugar Santa figurines."
"Then make a Bûche de Noël! I really love those!"
Nada-san smiled like a child.
I somehow found that cute, and then my face instantly twisted into a bitter expression.
It's not like just any guy will do.
I'm not like that!
"Nada-san, you have an oven at your place, right?"
"Yeah. The baking sheet, too? It comes with it."
"Then, if I just put down parchment paper, we should be good. And then..."
I rummaged around, looking for the necessary baking tools.
I also need to buy ingredients...
"It'd be bad if we don't buy the cake ingredients, right? Is there any specific store you want to go to?"
"Yes, there is."
If he's taking me, I want to go to a store that has good quality flour, fresh cream, and other ingredients.
Thinking that, I decided to have Nada-san take me.
"...This is bad. This store."
"Right? I'll go by myself."
I said that to Nada-san, whose feet seemed to root to the spot in front of the store, not caring about the women's stares. As expected of a baking supplies store, the clientele was exclusively female, and the interior was even pink.
I ignored the women who were looking at me with curiosity and searched for what I needed.
I couldn't keep Nada-san waiting, so I moved efficiently.
"Wow."
However, seeing some seemingly convenient tools in the store I hadn't visited in a while, I completely lost track of time.
"...Tadashi. Did you find what you were looking for?"
A muffled voice reached me, and I suddenly snapped back to reality.
Standing nearby was Nada-san, his face a little red, and his uncharacteristic demeanor caught my attention.
"Sorry, but this store is really tough for me after all. I'll wait at a nearby cafe. Call me when you're done."
"Ah, I'm almost done! I'll just pay, please wait a moment."
I grabbed my shopping basket and ran to the register.
Wow, even Nada-san makes a face like that, huh?
It's probably because it's a store full of only women, so he's embarrassed.
He was kind of cute, maybe.
No, no, I shouldn't be thinking strange things.
No matter how I look at it, he's not my type!
"Thanks for waiting!"
I bowed my head to Nada-san, who was waiting in front of the store, holding the shopping bags.
"Find anything interesting?"
He was completely back to his usual self, and he casually snatched one of the bags.
"It's fine, I can carry it myself."
"It's alright," he said, and then walked steadily towards the parking lot.
"..."
We finished all our shopping, and it was nearly five o'clock when we returned to Nada-san's place.
"Tired? It's already five, huh. Hungry? Want to eat something before you go?"
He asked while putting groceries into the refrigerator.
"No, it's fine. I'll just grab something on my own," I replied, feeling like it might be better not to stay any longer.
"Oh, but making enough for two is the same as making for one, so why don't you stay and eat? I'll be drinking, so I can't drive you home though."
Nada-san said that, and so we ended up having dinner together.
"Delicious."
"Really? Good."
Nada-san's cooking was as delicious as expected, given how much he enjoys it.
Looks like Christmas promises to be good.
That's right, I need to work hard on the cake too. Since it needs baking and cooling, maybe I should take the afternoon off? Or rather, it might be better to make it at home and bring it over.
"Nada-san. I think it'd be better if I just made the cake at my place and brought it. It seems like it'll take quite a bit of time to make, so it might be easier at home."
"What time will you start making it?"
"Uh, probably around three."
"Then just come to my place around three on the 25th. I've decided to take the day off."
"Off?!"
"Yeah. I figured if I was going to make various things, it'd be better to take the day off. Last year, most of it was takeout, but this year I'm cooking."
Taking a day off... Nada-san really is a bit strange, maybe.
And if he's taking the day off, he could easily buy a cake...
Well, whatever. I like making them.
Realizing how much I enjoy making things, I couldn't help but give a wry smile.
Even though I'm not making it for someone I like.
"Is it strange after all? A party with just guys. And only four of us."
Nada-san laughed, looking a little embarrassed at my wry smile.
Is he... blushing?
...Could it be, Nada-san.
Does he like me?
The thought suddenly crossed my mind.
Because normally, guys wouldn't go to such great lengths for a party among themselves, let alone take a day off just for cooking.
"What?"
Nada-san asked, puzzled by my steady gaze.
"Nada-san..."
What would I do if I asked?
Even if he liked me, he's not my type.
I couldn't possibly ask.
"Thanks for the meal. I'm heading home now. I'll come again on the 25th, around three."
I picked up the dishes I had used and put them in the kitchen sink.
"Oh, I'll wash them later. Just leave them."
"Okay, then, if you insist."
I grabbed my bag and started walking towards the entrance. Nada-san trotted along behind me.
"Thanks for coming shopping with me today. It was fun. See you!"
He waved his hand at the entrance, and somehow, I felt a little sad.
"It was fun for me too. And dinner was delicious. Thank you for the meal."
However, I shook off my strange feelings, bowed my head, and opened the front door.