You had arrived at the house. The sky had turned to a dark, inky color, with the deep gray clouds blotting out the stars, and with them, any light; you could hardly see a few feet before you. So, you removed the flashlight from your bag and shined it in front of you. The house was different from when you had last visited. The dust on the front porch had been disturbed by footsteps, and the door had been left slightly ajar, yet, it was eerily quiet.
Yes, continue. You were so close. And I, I can finally do to you what you have deserved for so long. I could sense you, and I waited, like a spider in the center of his web.
Slowly, you entered the house, pushing the door slightly open.
Creak.
The groaning of the door startled you.
Entering the foyer, you could see that everything was still the same– but not quite. Something was off, but you couldn't quite put your finger on it. Your breath quickened and your skin pricked, this felt so wrong– you should go back.
But no, you had come here to face your fate. You knew that your son would be here, and whatever happened, you had to accept it, it was the only right thing to do. This was not the time to back down.
When you arrived in the living room, there he was.
"Hello, Eiko."
His voice was cold, different. It didn't hold the warmth you remembered from when he was young. But then he was Ryuzen, now he was Kyoki.
You swallowed, feeling your body tense.
Go back, you felt your mind scream.
Run.
Run.
RUN!
But instead, you held your place, straightening your shoulders and standing tall, you had to face this with dignity.
"Hello, Kyoki," Your reply still held warmth, you still had hope of forgiveness, buried deep in your heart.
Kyoki hopped off the table.
"I've been waiting."
You wanted to reply, but your mouth was stuck shut, so instead, you just nodded.
He began to walk, walk towards the painting on the wall in slow, deliberate strides.
"Do you remember what happened here?"
Your head shook. You didn't understand.
"This is where you and dad had your first 'disagreement'. This is where the unraveling of Ryuzen's life began. He was scared, you know."
Kyoki looked back at you with a cruel grin.
"Look– I'm sorry. If you brought me here to kill me, just do it."
Narrowing his eyes, Kyoki would answer, "But where would the fun be in that?"
This is when you knew that your son had been destroyed. You had known really when you read the journal, but you tried to deceive yourself– maybe there was still a part of Ryuzen left. But no, you could not see the sweet boy who stopped to stare at the stars.
Your eyes began to water.
"I'm so sorry."
"I didn't know–"
"I DIDN'T KNOW."
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT."
Ignoring your panic, Kyoki would continue on, leading you to the hallway with a quiet grace.
He looked down at you, "This is where the first thread of your connection to us snapped. You like to think that it was all the divorce, that's what ruined you, but it had been coming for a long, long time."
Sobbing now, you covered your eyes, not wanting to know, not wanting to think. Even though you had come here to face what you had done, that little part of you still wanted to be in denial. Everything was so, so much easier that way.
Now, you realized. This was so much more than Kyoki taking his revenge. He was here to torment you. The power had shifted, you, the mother, the abuser, no longer had the control. But he did, Kyoki did.
"Eiko, do you know? Do you know how much you hurt him? How much you hurt her?"
You couldn't take it anymore, "I DIDN'T KNOW. IT'S NOT MY FAULT."
This was the problem with you. You could never take accountability for your actions, lost in your own shattered fake reality that was constructed out of your own imagination. Such a terrible thing to do to yourself, to your children, to your family. I'm sure that you know that now, wherever you are.
Everything was shattering, even after you could see the new reality, you hadn't quite accepted it, and you hadn't realized that. Now, you could feel your mind struggling to piece everything back into a neat picture, where you weren't the villain, where you didn't hurt your children so.
Because you loved them.
You loved them so much.
And without them?
No.
You couldn't think of such things.
But Miyuki was gone, all because of you.
Struggling, against what– you did not know, you felt the pressure of the world collapsing onto your shoulders. What your son– no, Ryuzen – showed you was terrible, and it had all been you. You were the problem all along, the whole time.
It was never Ryuzen or Miyuki. And even now, it was never Kazuki or Kyoki. It was always you.
This couldn't be right, but it was. Your final disillusion shattered, one which you hadn't even realized you had been harboring.
Panic wound tight in your chest, because along with that disillusion, the last piece of your sanity shattered, and Kyoki knew it.
He smiled down at you with a sort of cold curiosity, contemplating how things had changed.
Practically dragging you, he continued to show where everything had gone wrong.
"Do you remember the sink? Do you remember when you got mad at us and threw plates onto the ground? Or did you choose to forget that too?"
No
NO
NO
You couldn't think of such things. Staring at your long, grimy fingers, you wondered what had you done? Such things could not be right. Your sanity, so far away, you needed it back.
In your mental image, you could almost see it, right above you, there it was, floating away. You strained, strained so hard to reach it, but it left you, left you on the ground, with the splintered mess that you had caused. Wailing for it, you wallowed, both for its loss and the loss of everything you loved. They had all left you.
They left you.
Ryuzen.
Miyuki.
Kazuki.
Kyoki.
And now, even you.
Everything hurt, so, so bad. Your body, exhausted from the events of today. Your mind, still reeling from all the new information. But even more, your heart. It throbbed for all you had lost, but no, that was not the problem. It throbbed for all they had lost, so young. You had turned your back on your own children, and now what you deserved, the suffering you had earned for yourself was going to come.
Now, he looked back, not waiting for you, he knew you would follow. You forced your legs to move, your hand on the wall for support, the dark wood floorboards moaning beneath you.
He pushed open a door, one which you almost didn't recognize.
Your breath hitched– it was the door to his room– no, not his room, Ryuzen's room.
As he entered, he reached out toward the chipped windowsill, fingers brushing over it like he used to when he couldn't sleep.
His voice lowered, almost childlike for just a moment, "He used to wonder if you'd come in. If you even knew he was still awake," But then, he remembered, to keep his mask of composure, "But you never did, did you?"
You gasped, you wanted to make an excuse, but there was none.
No excuse.
But there never really was one, was there?
Hardly feeling your own body, you followed him, to the back of the house, your legs wobbling, almost falling over.
Then you stopped, Kyoki stopped.
There you were, by the sliding screen door– but it never really slid, it had always stuck, and no one had ever bothered, thought to fix it. You could see the backyard through it; the overgrown grass, the broken plastic chair, and the once dainty wind charm long silenced by rust.
Kyoki wasn't really here, he was somewhere else, it was obvious. Even though this too was breaking you, it also broke a little part of him with it.
"She used to gaze out," Kyoki murmured, gazing at something you couldn't see, "Miyuki. After she put Ryuzen to bed. Just– sat here. Didn't go out, never tried. Just stared through the mesh, like she was waiting for the night to take her, take her from her tormented life."
He turned to face you, his gaze hardening on you, filled with betrayal, and something cracked in his voice– not quite Ryuzen, not quite Kyoki. Just pain. "You always thought she was fine, because she was good. She didn't scream her hurt to the world. But, she was already giving up on it, every night. Until, the world gave up on her."
His eyes were welling with tears, the memories painful.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm so, so sorry."
"It was all me, it was never you, was it?"
You couldn't recognize your voice, it too, had broken, just like Kyoki's.
Knees buckling, you collapsed onto the floor, your eyes shutting tight, you couldn't, couldn't stay in such pain. All the realization, the memories– no, the mistakes, came flooding back.
You didn't notice the tears anymore. You didn't notice the pain. You noticed nothing at all, not even when the world slipped sideways and swallowed you whole.
And, as you stood on the threshold of sleep, you could hear Kyoki's soft footsteps leaving you.
Not just sleeping, you dreamt.
You were there, right back in that room. The one which you had held Miyuki with love, and the one where you had torn her down. Her windows looked out over the garden, and her bed was still made in that way she always liked it, with a corner of the bedding folded over into a triangle.
The walls weren't blank and so empty like the ones you had grown accustomed to in your apartment. They had photos of her and her friends, and you. She had thought you were someone to love too. The photos spoke, and in every way you turned, you saw them, your children, your family, everybody you loved, they were all suffering, they were trapped, trapped in the photos, instances of memory. They weren't happy ones any longer, they morphed. You called out to them, to help, but each one looked at you, and turned their backs on you, disappearing.
"Please don't go."
"Don't leave me."
You fell, collapsing on your knees, digging your fingers into the soft carpet.
Crying, you could feel the ground disappear under you.
Now, you were nowhere, just a foggy, gray abyss, falling.
Looking up, you could see him– not Kyoki, but Ryuzen.
"Ryuzen!"
"Ryuzen!"
"RYUZEN!"
You would call out to him, and he would look back at you, tears filling his eyes, streaming down his face.
"I'm so sorry Mom."
What could he be sorry for?
You were the only one who should be sorry, this was all your fault, you had done all of this.
As he turned his back on you, he changed.
And that's when you knew.
He was not Ryuzen any longer. That sweet boy– he was gone.
You had done this to him.
As he turned his back, you saw his silhouette dissolve into the mist. Not a boy. Not your son. Not anymore.