WebNovels

Chapter 11 - Even If You Find Me

You were still sitting in that chair in the library, the screen had gone blank, but the librarian, seeing your distress, hadn't come over to end your session. Your legs had long gone numb and you felt so empty, the rush of emotions which had taken your body had left just as quickly, leaving you just as a shell of yourself. 

Vision blurring, you tried to reread what he had left you, but you found it hard to get past certain lines.

I am not Ryuzen. I am Kyoki Akumoto.

I am not Ryuzen. I am Kyoki Akumoto.

I am not Ryuzen. I am Kyoki Akumoto.

The line repeated in your head. What had you done to your son? He wasn't your son anymore though, you could remember his harsh words:

Even if you find me, I am not coming back to you.

Even if you find me, I am not coming back to you.

Even if you find me, I am not coming back to you.

His letters haunted you, fragments of his writing flashing through you, each time you remembered them cutting a sharp, deep wound into you, like a maelstrom of slashing knives. With each line that cut into you, you lost a little determination to find him.

What did it matter? Would he just kill you on sight? Did you deserve that?

 Or did he still love you in some sort of twisted way? Bonded from all the trauma?

But, whatever the answer was, it didn't matter. Ryuzen–no– Kyoki, was still yours, no matter how lost he was. Whatever he did, you would still find him. 

This is when I felt a little guilt at what I would do, what I had done. I knew that you truly had grown as a person, but I had to finish what I had started. I told Ryuzen to be quiet in my mind. Yes, that feels good. It didn't matter anyways, you had healed your own ways far too late.

He had kidnapped himself, there was no way you could craft a lie to keep your sanity intact. So, instead, you decided to face it head on, you needed to gather everything that was left and face whatever you needed to face. 

This was no longer a question of how your story would end, but how Kyoki's story would continue, and you knew it.

You left the library, lost in your own thoughts. Your tether to the world had long snapped, and now, you were lost, with no way out. 

Walking across the street, your gaze flicked from person to person.

Wait. 

Stop.

Pause.

Was that Miyuki you saw? 

She had long dark hair and blunt bangs, wearing loud, colourful clothes, the sort which only Miyuki would. You chased after her, looking over your shoulder briefly. But, when you looked back, she was gone. 

She had just been a stranger, not Miyuki.

You continued home, wandering aimlessly, but maintaining a steady direction south, towards your apartment.

The leaves on the trees were turning green, and the chirping of birds rang through the city, and there were many kids and parents, happy families, like you had once been before everything went south.

But, you wouldn't notice this, your mind was empty, your heart empty, and you began to realize what Kyoki had meant by existing, not living.

Suddenly, you heard the screeching of brakes.

"Hey lady! Watch where you're walking!"

Looking up, you saw a truck driver brought to an abrupt stop before you. You couldn't remember crossing the road.

Wait, you were crossing the road? Without a bike?

Shoot– in your state of detachment you had left your bike at the library. It was fine, you would deal with it later, for now, you had other important things to do. The first thing you needed to do was ground yourself, find a new tether, a new anchoring point. You hadn't even realized that Ryuzen had been your tether until now.

I hadn't known that I was your tether either. But, if I did, I would have been sure to expedite my own falling, if only to get back at you. Children are so extreme, aren't they?

You looked across the street. Wait, was that the park? Hadn't you been walking south, not north? That was besides the matter, you had probably also lost track of the way you were walking while you wandered.

Nearing the bench where you met Kazuki, at the start of all this mess, you decided to pause and sit. You pulled your phone out of your purse and stared at the blank screen.

Should you call him?

Should you involve him with all this mess?

You reached out and dialed his number. He answered after two rings.

"Hello? Is that you Eiko?"

You knew that you were supposed to respond, but you couldn't bring yourself to. Just hearing another person's voice was good enough to ground yourself.

He sounded confused, "Eiko? Hello?"

"Hello?"

Click.

He must have hung up. You relaxed back into the bench, sighing. What were you doing with your life? You had to compile the clues you had, figure out where he was.

So, you took a bus back to your apartment, it was far too long to walk. 

When you reached your home, you had been mulling over the recent events for a long time, and a certain thing that Kyoki had said stuck with you, it had been in either the first or the second letter, "I am now somewhere which you will learn later, that mystery is still for you to solve." 

As soon as you entered the house, you rushed to the dining table, frantically pulling out the letters from your bag. The answer had to be within them, you would soon know where Ryuzen was, you could just sense it.

The first one, it had been taunting you, trying to make sure that you cared enough to look. It was cleverly written, with such an excellent and well thought tone it was hard to believe it was written by the same boy that you had just witnessed the unravelling of, or read it rather. 

The next letter, it too, held the same tone, telling you how he was disappointed, almost as if he was mocking you, regurgitating how you always told your kids that they weren't enough. That had been such a mistake. 

The final letter though, something was different. Yes, it had that mocking tone, but it also called out to you, it felt like it was important.

You reread it carefully, line by line, checking it with your memory.

There!

That was the clue, a line had changed, it had been altered. It had once read 

And, then the home, the small blue one on the hill with a neat garden and white flower box. Although, I doubt it will still be so pristine, nobody has lived there for years, nine to be exact. 

But now, that writing was completely gone, replaced by something else entirely, a simple three word quote.

"Would you mind?"

 You felt a cold chill down your spine. That had been the last thing you had told Ryuzen– Kyoki– whatever, whoever he was, before he left. 

It was poetic, the mystery would begin to end with what had just been the start.

You knew why that line had been erased. That's where he would be waiting for you. In ambush or in a warm welcome– that was for you to find out. 

Or maybe, he wasn't there, but it was the first clue in a series of new clues that would lead you to his true location. You pulled out a map.

Of course, there was the obvious location, your old house, so you circled that.

But then, there were the others which you would search as backups in case you didn't find anything at that house. 

The library, where he had spilled his deepest secrets, each darker than the midnight sky.

The cemetery, where his sister was buried.

Or even, the wood outside the apartment, where he could be hauntingly close.

You stared at the bag which you had packed in a daze– at the map with frantic and large circles making it almost useless, at the spare clothes, the flashlight, the water bottle, the protein bar. It felt like a joke. Who were you kidding– you couldn't do anything to change your fate, this was no longer your story, but it was his.

The little boy who used to laugh with his sweet sister in the hallway.

The little boy who looked up at you, holding you as a role model.

The little boy you used to call Ryuzen.

But no. Not anymore. That reality was long gone, just as the waves came and went.

You zipped up your bag, your hands trembling. You were ready, you tried to tell yourself, but you knew it wasn't true. You could never be ready for this.

Not for what waited for you in that house.

Not for what your little boy had become.

And definitely not for what might happen when you look at him in those empty eyes.

As you reached for the doorknob, your fingers grazed something cold.

The necklace.

You hadn't even remembered that you were holding it.

But, you clutched it tight until the silver stung your skin all the same.

And, as you stepped out the door, the words whispered in your memory again–not from the letters, but from your very own lips– words which you regretted so much.

Just a simple phrase.

"Would you mind?"

It had been the last thing you had said to him.

The first thing that would lead you to the end.

So, you walked.

Into the night.

Into the trap.

Into the unknown.

All to finish what you started– or rather, to be finished by it.

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