I shift over to see the numbers representing the present for the umpteenth time as I breathe heavily. The nostrils tickled, and it trickled—so I grabbed another tissue to blow my nose. The pile had grown to a mountain by my bedside table, and it was grossly covered in snot and disease. While I slept soundly, it only lasted 3 hours as I woke up shedding my snot—and every time I tried to return to sleep, it was a loop of tickling and trickling—even if I'd simply clogged the opening to my nose and breathe through my mouth, for some reason my destiny seemed to oppose every action I do for the sake of sleeping some more—I would sneeze.
Once 2 hours have passed and I'm still blowing my nose, I feel exhausted, my nose hurts—and I'm wide awake. I recalled last night's events and I somewhat regretted sitting on the sidewalk and just enduring the attack spree of winter. Although, still—even if I'd known the consequence beforehand, there's no saying I wouldn't do it again.
I thought of university and contemplated, but decided against it. I pondered to inform Calix of my situation and that was the key for the entrance to the hollow mind, as I deliberated our relationship. For starters, My recognition knew it's a relationship of no such significance—a simple friendship. My mind wondered, calling imagination to perform a scenario of my circumstances, but a different identity—similar status. I was unable to reach a conclusion, as my heart knew—refused to accept the imagination for it's false. I'd say it wasn't as if there were no other friends in my life, yet their bond with mine was even less significant—acquaintances, or classmates—friends, for fleeting purposes and only with a benefit, for one or the other. The truth is, I do—have no friends other than Calix—perhaps, after all. At least none I considered close—comfortable enough to be a friend, or maybe the reason itself was my own to blame solely. Digging through the crate of memories, I searched upon the last memory of a friendship I considered important. Once I found, flashbacks ran through my head. Best friends, middle school. Though, it differs with my present situation. If it's her, no hesitation would have reached my heart. A message would had sent the moment I awoke, and a reply I'd receive—almost immediately, I'm sure.
My thoughts halted as my fingertips held the edge of a tissue piece before folding and covering my nose as I blew into the material. Once my nose emptied, I threw the used material away, shifting my head towards the window, and gazing upon the half-lit moon as I grieved in silence.
A ring alerted me, and I searched upon the source of the sound. I was led to my phone, vibrating harshly against my skin as I paused my actions once the identity of the caller flashed my eyes. I dreadfully, yet carefully swiped my thumb as a small, cold greeting reached my ears.
"Hello," she greeted, while sounding warmly—I could feel the chills of cold run through my back. I stayed silent, as I contemplated upon ending the call as regret began to flood my heart.
"Right, I'll make it quick. I need money," she spoke brazenly. I felt embarrassed for her sake, yet loathful for I have to be the one who receives her shameless actions at such a time.
Never worried, never loved, never cared. Just money. I guess that's all I am to her.
She whispered softly, "please."
I could feel the trapped child within growing hopeful for all the years she didn't receive the motherly affection she so greatly craved for. My heart trembled to give in. Yet my mind played all the memories of how my heart has hurt, and how my heart should know it will be pierced once again.
"Aslynne, I'm your mom, won't you do this for me at least?" She muttered, and I detested how she sincerely sounded as though she believed she had completed and done her motherly duties well. As my heart screamed and scorned my mother for the pain, the words were stuck in my throat and I—
"Okay."
I hung up. All the words, all my voice came out. All the blood of my scarred heart poured out through my eyes as I cuddled my blanket and embraced myself small, an attempt to shield myself from the hurt—which was impossible. Because the hurt was in me, and I couldn't do anything but cry. To cry the pain, cry the hurt, cry the heart.
More than anything, I hurt from the fact that she was the cause of my pain.
Once all the blood of my heart dried up, I'd exhausted myself from all the emotional toll, and I closed my eyes—my consciousness rested away.
Yet, that only lasted for a moment's while.
I opened my eyes to see my..
"Mother?.."
Suddenly, a wave of sadness and anger washed over me, and I couldn't control the droplets of water that had fallen from beneath my pupils. She made me feel miserable in real life, and she has to keep me at my suffering even in my only comfort space?
"I told you I was busy, don't you understand? Why do you keep wasting your time doing such useless things? You're already a burden enough as it is, can't you at least not bother me? I'm so tired every single day, taking care of you."
"Why do you hate me?.."
Despite all the hateful words on the back of my throat, it felt as though I was gagged not to say it. I often wished she hadn't birthed me if she thought I was such an unlovable creature to her.
"Because you're such a pain in the ass! God, I'm so fucking exhausted dealing with you everyday. Why are you so fucking annoying? Can't you just never appear in front of me—ever—again?!"
She exclaimed, huffing in irritation and I could see the empty love in her eyes. I only wished I could turn back time and convince my mother to not ever birth me, because she will only harbor such great hatred for me, and find me unlovable.
I returned to my room—I blinked, and tomorrow came. That was the end of my 10th birthday.
As usual, the next day my mother changes entirely as if she didn't just curse my life out.
"Hi, honey.. How was your sleep? I bought your favorite kind of grapes!"
She said with a bright smile, and I couldn't help but reciprocate. I could only wish she stayed like that forever. I just wanted her to love me a little, but it just seems so impossible. Because even now, I know that this isn't real, simply a fragment of my bottled up desires.
Honestly I too, feel a grudge towards her. Sometimes I wish I'd..
"Mother."
I call out to her, and she looks at me, irked.
"What do you want?" she says coldly, bothered enough as she is.
"I fucking hate you." I say, before bringing the knife up to my throat, and slicing it.
Then I could see her panicked expression, the regret and anxiety that washes over her formerly irritated expression. It was something that'd signify my victory against her, for once, it wasn't me shedding my tears and wailing out for her, but it was her who shedded her tears and screeches in pain as she desperately wishes for me to return, like how I used to be. For once, she cares and worries over me. And the last thing she could remember of me was my loatheful voice, and my eyes that pierce through her, no longer the same eyes who once looked at her with innocence and the yearn for love, but one that had been deprived of love, and the void that had a gluttony of hatred, even if it wasn't one by will.
I opened my eyes, and I felt my breathing was heavy. I remembered the remnants of my dream, yet there were gaps I couldn't recall. I remembered for the most of it, yet I couldn't retrace how it ended. I wiped a cold sweat trickling down my forehead as I grabbed my phone to realize I've slept for hours, and a notification of Calix's message.
Calix:): Aslynne, you alright?
Me: Yup, thank you for worrying. I just caught a small flu, no worries.
Calix:): That's not good
Me: It's fine, I promise.
Calix:): What's your room number?
Me: Um, why?
Calix:): I think I might visit you after dismissal.
Me: There's literally, absolutely no need for you to do that, I assure you I am fine.
Calix:): Until I see you and actually see with my own eyes, no, you are not fine.
Me: I
The imperfected muscle memory in my thumb inaccurately pressed on the enter button, as I grunted in annoyance.
Calix:): What's your room number?
Me: I'm not telling you. Don't bother yourself with visiting me
Me: I'm fine on my own
Me: Bye.
Calix:): Aslynne?
Calix:): Hey
Calix:): Hello?
Calix:): Alright, I'm sorry if I push too much, I'm just worried.
I found myself displeased with how pushy he was, yet I wondered if I was too harsh. Though, it felt good to know someone cares enough to worry over me, I slightly regretted my last message, yet I genuinely didn't need him to bother himself visiting me for a mere flu. Well, actually it's rather severe, but he doesn't need to know that.
I dozed off once more before the room telephone awoke me.
I lazily extended my arm to click on the speaker button before the voice of the receptionist entered my ears.
"Hello, sorry to disturb." The polite and formal tone sang in my ears as I felt myself feeling honored and subconsciously straightened my hunched back.
"Yes?"
"If I may, do you have a relative named Calix?"
"What?"
"There was a man claiming he was your brother, his name was Calix and he said he was 21 years old..? He has entered the elevator and I was told to tell you he is waiting outside your room. Should I call the security..?"
"No, no it's okay. Thank you for telling me."
I laughed at his poor choice of excuse, yet I found my heart engulfed in a warm blanket due to that.
The other end hung up as I felt my heart beating excitedly, yet quite anxious, as I had no expectations he would truly come to visit. I approached the door as I held the handle before twisting it downwards and opening the door, only to see a blank wall—no presence whatsoever, I examined the sides as well, yet there was none. Though I heard light, quick footsteps approaching before the door was unmoving against my will, a small distance left before closing. I looked back to see Calix's head popping out from the small gap as I watched him pant heavily.
"Can I come.. in?" he spoke between breaths with a large grin on his face. I was quite speechless, but I found myself laughing over the situation as I gave him permission and released the door handle.
He closed the door diligently as he awkwardly stood by the door, observing my room and his eyes landed on the snot-filled tissues scattered all over—surrounding my bed before chuckling.
"Just a mere flu, huh?" he said as he deadpanned, and I sheepishly smiled while he approached and placed the basket he'd been clutching to, all this time—on the dressing table and dragging its chair in front of me as he sat on it.
"What's that?" I nodded my head towards the basket he placed on the table.
"A couple of fruits, a warm porridge, and some medicine. It's for you, so keep it." He warmly smiled at me, and I wondered why he seemed so happy.
"Thank you," I expressed my gratitude, and he simply nodded as silence basked within my room.
"Why'd you come?"
I inquired, though once my voice was released—I could only concentrate my gaze upon my fidgeting hands. It felt shameless, to tell him off—not to come, yet feeling happy he came anyway—and with his brought gift that'd revealed his care for me, and I'm questioning one that clearly implies an end to his fleeting visit. More than anything, I was afraid he would take my implication seriously, because it was never sincere. An act out of pride.
"Well, I told you I'd come, and I was worried."
He answered, and I was afraid to see him. My recognition would be able to distinguish his truth or lie, yet I thought it was better not to know. He softly grasped my hand to separate from the other as my hand had unknowingly attempted to wound the other. I shifted my gaze upwards, and raised my knees while wrapping my arms around them as my eyes solely peek out, peering up at him.
"Why are you worried?"
He seemed to hold back his laughter, and for a moment, I wondered—but his answer came before I could ask another.
"You're a precious friend of mine, no?" he said with a light smile, as he tilted his head adorably as if to return a silent question to me, "don't you think so?" in which my laughter left my throat before I consented.
"Um, how was class? Wait.. actually, this doesn't look like any early lessons have ended yet..." I peered up at him from my phone screen as I twisted and bent my eyebrows to show my suspicion.
"Um—"
"Did you skip?.."
"Yeah.. uh, I mean it was a math lesson but I already got the gist of it, and it was really boring. I couldn't focus on it anyway so I just decided to head on early to you."
He lied, but my lips pursed in silence. He'd made plenty of efforts for me, including this visit, and I truly appreciate it.
"But, class was alright. It was hellish boring as usual."
He said deadpanned, and I lightly laughed at his exaggerated expression, which formed a smile on his face.
I noticed notifications were entering my phone incessantly. I took a hold of it and saw notifications from some classmates and acquaintances mainly teasing or questioning my relationship with Calix.
"Did you ask my friends about me?" I asked, amused. I intentionally raised my eyebrow, and kept the other down as he briefly laughed at me.
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"Well people from Pristine have been making quite the fuss over it, y'know? They were all endlessly messaging me about it, now it won't just be Esther's people that'll be troubling us about this matter anymore, y'know?"
On one hand, it was an amusement and intrigue, yet on the other—I was somewhat afraid we would be caught up in the euphoria and cross boundaries, which would be fine if both of us did. Yet, if it was unrequited—
"I mean.. I don't mind, it's kinda fun, don't you think?" His eyes brightened as he laughed lightly. I mulled over it for a moment, but I decided it would be fine.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." I grinned in agreement.
"Honestly it reminds me of my childhood, back in elementary school.. a girl and a boy could just be talking about nothing out of nowhere and then the next day everyone comes up to them asking if they're dating, it's actually hilarious."
I laughed, and he did too. I wondered if he had a similar experience.
"Yeah, me too. I had those as well, quite very frequently, actually."
"Ooh, really? How so?"
"Well.. it's a bit embarrassing to say this but I used to be called a player due to the amount of girls I talked to back then, but it wasn't like I started it. They just approach me sometimes."
I burst out in laughter, and it grew hysterical as I saw his face visibly reddened.
"What about you? Did those things happen to you as well?"
For a moment, I couldn't remember. Then flashbacks rushed in as rain poured, and my emotions emerged.
"Not really, I was a very silent loner, I had that reputation actually. So to say, my resting face wasn't the friendliest either, so I wasn't approached much. But well, it was nice honestly.. I could skip classes without being caught or noticed at all, since some teachers were quite unbothered to take attendance, and I could cheat in class quite easily considering the teachers barely ever paid a single penny of attention to me. I guess I just lived through elementary school like a ghost, more or less."
While my heart felt hollow, I tried to emphasize the positive sides of my childhood—even if I was merely attempting to convince myself otherwise.
"That.. sounds quite sad and lonely, despite its benefits."
He wasn't wrong in the slightest, yet I refused to admit.
"No... it's quite alright. Contrary to that, I made a 180 turn of a change in middle school, I befriended everyone and basically everyone was my friend, but it was kind of exhausting not gonna lie."
"Yeah, I get that too sometimes. Tell you what—don't tell anyone else about this, but I had a mortifying emo phase in middle school. It was horrible, but at least I somewhat gained skills in face-art. Do not laugh."
My laughter exploded as he told me not to, yet his erupted the same way. I apologized in between ha's and silent a's, as I couldn't stop it even though my stomach began to ache painfully.
As I began to calm down, I noticed he seemed.. Surprised. Almost in disbelief.
"Calix, I—are you okay?"
I leaned closer to see his face better, as the sun was setting and it grew darker, but even with such dark hue surrounding us, I could see his flushed face, and the painting of the sky had splashed onto his face, creating an art of him. I could only swallow, as my breath left my lungs in awe.
"It's evening already, it'll soon be nighttime. It'll get cold soon, should I prepare a warm bath for you?"
"No, no. It's alright, really. I don't wanna bother you like that, I can do it myself."
"No, please. I want to."
"..Why are you so desperate?"
"I- I don't mean anything about that, I promise. I just wanted to do something helpful for you so you could recover soon."
"Hey, I'm stronger than I look, I'll recover shortly enough, don't worry."
"No—I insist. Really, it's no problem at all, in fact, I will do that right now."
With that, he left and went off to the bathroom. I protested, yet I realized he wouldn't budge so I stopped wasting my voice.
Once he finished, he returned and I thanked him appreciatively. I felt my arm trembling as the cold seeped in, and as I gazed upon his eyes, I realized he saw it too. I felt a tad shame, and hid my arm discreetly, though I was quite glad he didn't mention it.
"You should take a bath now, while it's still warm."
"Yeah, I guess so. You should return soon. It's getting really late."
He nodded at my words, but stayed unmoving. I didn't mind it as I headed to the bathroom.
I undressed myself, sneezing in the process. Then I dipped my feet inside the tub before sinking my entire body. I felt tensions all over my body and the shiver of the cold dissipate. I brought my knees to my chest as I wrapped my arms around and laid my head on the joints.
I felt cold, but I wasn't lonely.