There are many types of summons in the cultivation world.
The Scroll of Divine Orders, sealed in gold and qi.
The Thunderous Sky Proclamation, where clouds yell your name.
And then there's the Fluffy Chicken Courier, which waddled into our courtyard with a letter strapped to its leg and a suspicious amount of glitter.
Mu Lian read it aloud:
"Esteemed Sect Leader and/or Procrastinating Godspawn Kaito Asano…""…You are hereby invited to serve as Guest Judge for the Intersect Tournament's first-ever Cultivation Talent Exhibition at Cloudrise Pavilion.""Please bring snacks. Judging will last four hours."
I blinked.
"A talent show?"
Fang Mei gasped. "They're finally recognizing cultivation as an artform!"
Mu Lian groaned. "It's a trap."
I shrugged. "Good. I like traps. They usually come with chairs."
To Cloudrise Pavilion
We traveled in style — and by style, I mean a Spirit Goose Caravan driven by a mildly cursed ox and three disciples who got lost halfway up the mountain.
Upon arrival, we were greeted by Pavilion Mistress Yun Wei, a woman who exuded an aura of strictly-managed chaos.
"You must be Kaito," she said, eyes narrowing.
"I must," I replied.
She sighed. "You were invited as a judge because every time you refuse a direct challenge, ten bureaucratic departments cry."
"I like making people cry," I said. "It's efficient."
The Judges' Panel
I was seated between:
Grandmaster Duan: a stoic fire cultivator who hasn't smiled since the last spirit war.
Elder Mei Lin: a woman who ranked fourth in the National Sighing Competition.
And me: an allegedly divine mistake.
The stage was a floating lotus platform hovering over a lake. Disciples from seven sects prepared behind curtains, some stretching, others crying.
Pavilion Mistress Yun Wei clapped her hands.
"Let the first Cultivation Talent Show begin!"
Performance #1: The Sword Dancer
A disciple from the Rising Sky Sect performed a graceful sword kata set to the song of a zither played by a spirit fox.
Duels in midair. Sword light like flower petals.
Duan nodded. "Elegant form."
Mei Lin clapped politely.
I yawned.
"Needs more nap transitions," I muttered. "Would be better horizontal."
The audience looked confused.
Score: 8/10
Performance #2: Alchemy Rap
A bold youth from the Verdant Cauldron Sect walked onstage, dropped a beat, and started rapping his pill formulas.
"One drop essence, two herbs dry—Three flames up and a cauldron cry!"
Elder Mei Lin stared, horrified.
Grandmaster Duan's beard caught fire from sheer confusion.
I threw a bun onstage.
"Pass. Give him a contract. He's got the rhythm of a lazy pill cultivator grinding for profits."
Score: 9/10
Performance #3: Spirit Beast Juggling
A wide-eyed disciple from the Beastheart Clan juggled three tiny spirit pandas who occasionally sneezed fire.
One bit him midair.
He bled politely.
I sipped my tea. "Impressive. But lacks existential despair."
Duan grunted. "Very traditional."
Score: 7.5/10
Intermission Shenanigans
Backstage, I discovered the snack table.
Fang Mei whispered, "Aren't you worried this is some kind of divine plot?"
"I'm always worried," I replied, licking honey off a rice cake. "I just manage it horizontally."
Mu Lian approached, holding a flyer.
"They're announcing you as a celebrity guest for the final act."
"What?"
"Apparently, your nap-meditation has become a trend."
We turned.
On stage, a sect called the Dreaming Void School unveiled their entry: "The Way of Lying Down to Comprehend Heaven."
Ten disciples flopped onto mats and began loudly meditating while snoring.
I clapped.
"That's art."
The Real Trap
Just as the crowd was drifting into collective spiritual relaxation, the clouds above parted.
A voice rang out, loud and bureaucratic:
"INQUIRY DIVISION 14B, HEAVENLY BUREAU OF ORIGINALITY—WE HAVE ARRIVED TO INVESTIGATE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY THEFT!"
Everyone froze.
A group of celestial officials descended on floating desks.
At their lead was Auditor Shun, a man with an abacus and a lethal aura of paperwork.
He pointed at me.
"Kaito Asano. You are being investigated for Dao Plagiarism."
I blinked. "That's a thing?"
"Your Dao of Strategic Procrastination appears suspiciously similar to the previously documented Dao of Passive Enlightenment from 600 years ago."
Mu Lian whispered, "That Dao got banned for causing a temporal delay in five provinces."
Courtroom (But Make It Floating)
They summoned a heavenly mini-courtroom in midair.
"I object," I said, lounging.
"To what?"
"Everything."
Auditor Shun slammed a gavel made of rules. "Your Dao is under review. If proven unoriginal, it will be reassigned and stripped of path privileges!"
I stood.
"Fine. I'll prove I'm worse than the original."
There was silence.
"I mean that," I continued, "while the Dao of Passive Enlightenment seeks balance and inner stillness, mine is about strategically doing nothing to gain unearned results."
Shun narrowed his eyes. "Go on."
Kaito's Demonstration of Daoic Laziness
I summoned a broom.
"Watch."
I put it down.
Ten minutes passed.
Dust gathered on it. A gentle wind blew.
A trash demon materialized to clean up the mess on its own.
"See?" I said. "I did nothing. Yet the work completed itself. That is Strategic Procrastination."
The demon bowed to me and ascended.
The courtroom fell silent.
A junior auditor coughed. "That's… profoundly inefficient. But undeniably original."
System Notification: Bureaucratic Trial Passed
You have successfully defended your Dao in divine court.New Passive Technique Unlocked: "Delegated Destiny" – Minor tasks now resolve themselves through spiritual entropy.Faction Update: Inquiry Division – "We'll Be Watching"
Closing Ceremony
Pavilion Mistress Yun Wei approached me with a scroll.
"For surviving the Talent Show, the Heavenly Court awards you with a unique title."
She read it aloud:
Heaven's Laziest Innovator"For contributing nothing of measurable value but somehow shaping trends."
I bowed. "I'll nap to that."
Mu Lian groaned.
Fang Mei giggled.
The Dreaming Void School offered to become our disciples.
I accepted—only if they promised to hold meetings while lying down.
Back at the Sect
Later that night, we returned to the Broken Heaven Sect.
Fang Mei practiced nap-chanting.
Mu Lian rewrote legal defenses.
I dozed off on the rooftop.
A shooting star crossed the sky.
Another sect burned in the distance.
Probably unrelated.