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Trying To Get Myself Killed: Westeros Edition by NotAHero101
TV » Game of Thrones Rated: M, English, Humor & Adventure, Robert B., Eddard S., Words: 71k+, Favs: 1k+, Follows: 1k+, Published: Nov 25, 2021 Updated: Oct 6, 2023
279Chapter 31: The Heart Of Chivalry
The afterlife was mentioned in detail in Elia's Interlude for those that missed it! Anywho, onto the story.
...
The Drums of War swept through the garden he called his.
The Sound of Justice echoed across his blessed land.
The Glory of Victory rose in one who believed.
The Reward of a Lifetime promised to the rest.
The Heart of Chivalry manifested.
The Quest of a God was heard.
The Drums of War swept through the garden he called his.
The Sound of Justice echoed across his blessed land.
The Glory of Victory was witnessed.
One Hundred rose to heed the command.
The Reward of a Lifetime, promised to the rest.
The Heart of Chivalry manifested, The Warrior's spirit shone brightly.
The Quest of a God was heard.
The Drums of War swept through the garden he called his.
The Sound of Justice echoed across his blessed land.
The Glory of Victory was tempted to another.
One thousand rose to heed the command.
One hundred were covered in the Warrior's light.
The Reward of a Lifetime, promised to the rest.
The Heart of Chivalry manifested, The Warrior's armor gleamed in the sun.
The Quest of a God was heard.
The Drums of War swept through the garden he called his.
The Sound of Justice echoed across his blessed land.
The Glory of Victory was ordered to the rest.
Ten Thousand Knights heeded the command.
One thousand were covered in the Warrior's light.
One hundred were blessed by the Warrior's gift.
The Reward of a Lifetime, promised to the rest.
The Heart of Chivalry manifested, The Warrior's presence burned their faith ever greater.
The Quest of a God was heard.
The Drums of War swept through the garden he called his.
The Sound of Justice echoed across his blessed land.
The Glory of Victory was demanded.
One hundred thousand swords heeded the command.
Ten Thousand knights were covered in the Warrior's light.
One Thousand was blessed by the Warrior's Gift.
One Hundred gained a piece of the Warrior himself.
The Reward of a Lifetime was accepted.
The Heart of Chivalry manifested, The Warrior's blade conquered their fear.
The Quest of a God was accepted.
One Hundred Thousand Swords were covered in The Warrior's light.
Ten Thousand Knights were blessed by the Warrior's gift.
One Thousand gained a piece of the Warrior himself.
One Hundred gained his divinity.
The Reward of a Lifetime was received.
The Heart of Chivalry was here.
The Warrior Rose Once Again.
...
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Trying To Get Myself Killed: Westeros Edition by NotAHero101
TV » Game of Thrones Rated: M, English, Humor & Adventure, Robert B., Eddard S., Words: 71k+, Favs: 1k+, Follows: 1k+, Published: Nov 25, 2021 Updated: Oct 6, 2023
279Chapter 21
...
"You know the unfortunate part of it all? Sandor?" I questioned, idly leaning my head on an arm as I watched over the balcony, taking in the empty desert surrounding the Water Gardens. If I'd been looking in another direction, I'd no doubt see a hint of Sunpear- While there was a beach on another.
I focused on the empty desert.
The man let out a gruff as he leaned his back, sat, against the wall with an animal leg in one hand and a drink in another.
He'd been rather grumpy since I'd brought him up to this point- On account of the stairs, heavy armor, and the bloody sun.
His words, not mine.
"That I pitched my wagon to a mad fuck?" The man remarked with a snort as he took a bite out of his food. "That's pretty fucking unfortunate, yea."
I chuckled at his words. "Well, you're not wrong-" I waited for a beat. "Just thinking about the lost opportunity to steal a shit ton of gold out of the dumb fucks in this continent really brings a tear to my eye."
He nodded seriously at that.
The fucker had suggested I start a religion and extort everyone's gold using it, on account of the fact I could evidently bring the fucking dead back to life.
I'd of course refused.
On account of decency.
If I wanted gold, I wasn't going to steal it by lying to people.
I was going to steal it forcefully. With brutal honesty. Like a normal person would.
Truth be told, I've kind of forgotten what a normal person actually entailed.
"No," I let out a shrug, tilting my head in one direction. "I am more talking about your gods here."
He stopped eating- Mostly because he only had bones left right now, but still, the timing was appreciated.
I shook my head, disappointment oozing out of me. "Like, if they'd just asked me for my help, I might've considered giving it, you know?" I snorted. "Like, who doesn't want to kill zombies for shits and giggles? You know what I mean?"
He stared at me for a few seconds before eloquently pointing out that no he did not know what I fuckin' meant.
"They just had to go and push a button or two." I sighed. "Pity that... The White Walker's could've been iced with by now... Euron Greyjoy could've been drowned permanently, but instead, here we are." I raised another hand up and put it under my chin. "One god down already, with another running to join him."
Sandor Clegane stood up quickly at that, warily staring at me all the way as he tentatively turned to stare in the direction I was focused on.
"...I don't see anything."
I let a smile grow on my face.
"They don't call him The Warrior for nothing, you know?"
It was telling that he didn't so much as bat an eyelid at that, instead electing to take another gulp of his drink.
I held in the urge to snort as I heard him burp out rather contentedly before throwing the cup over the wall.
"The Warrior huh?" He sniffed. "He any good at fighting? Or is he all talk?"
I shrugged. "Judging by the hundred thousand Reach men he's got surrounding him, I'd say he's not that confident."
He blinked a few times at that one, a wary expression taking over as he pointedly turned back to stare at the spot I was focusing on.
"...Reach men huh?" A single beat passed. "I could probably take twenty or so off your hands, leave you with the rest." The man deadpanned towards me. "Hell, maybe if Martell can get the stick up his ass out, he could quickly gather enough men to take another ten thousand off your hand." He put a finger up to his chin. "The dead princesses might scare five or so thousands to death just by showing up?"
I couldn't help but chuckle again when he finished.
"So, just 84980 left for me to deal with?" He nodded, his gaze still trying to find the invisible army. "On top of the Warrior himself?" He nodded again, albeit slowly. "While his army's been blessed to hell and back with sorcery?"
He turned to stare at me for that one. "Ten." He deadpanned. "I can take ten of your hands."
I let out a mock gasp on his behalf. "And you don't think I wouldn't bless you to keep up with them?" Sheer curiosity and intrigue-filled his expression at that. "My, my what kind of benefactor do you take me for?"
After a beat, I couldn't help but start laughing, earning a pair of rolled eyes from the man in the process.
"You had me there, I'll give you that."
"On account of needing help to deal with the hundred thousand idiots led by the biggest dumbass of all marching at us? Yeah, I suppose I did."
Wariness took over again as he took a wineskin he'd hidden somewhere under his plate.
"...You're not kidding about the army, are you?"
"Nope." I popped the p for emphasis.
He let out a sigh before q questioning look took over.
"How'd the divine fuck manage to convince an entire kingdom to attack the divine-killing fuck?"
"Easy." I snorted. "He took over Mace Tyrell's body and ordered them to do it."
He blinked twice at that one, the wineskin-holding hand stopping halfway to his face in the process.
"...Mace Tyrell?" A single beat passed. "As a puppet of sorts or-"
"Nope." I grinned at him. "The Warrior doesn't have a physical form to use... So he took over Mace and gave him his divinity."
Sandor Clegane stared at me for a few beats before he started laughing out loud.
"Mace Tyrell's the fucking Warrior?" He said between breaths. "I could kill the cunt myself!" A beat passed as he continued laughing. "The fucking six-year-old princess could kill the cunt right now!"
A lightbulb figuratively went off in my head at his words.
Hm... Now there was an idea!
All I needed to do was call for a dragon, and with little Rhaenys help, I could help a Targaryen repeat history.
I scoffed at the thought after another moment.
No need to traumatize the girl even more... Though I should probably get her a dragon or something... Might finally get her attention of off me.
It was endearing sure, but I had gods to kill so, you know, not really cut out for playtime.
Yeah, I'll just get her a dragon to play with, that ought to solve that problem.
With that settled, I nodded to myself and started making my way down, Sandor following behind me as he stopped laughing out loud.
"Seriously though, what are you gonna do?" A beat passed as we slowly started going down the long staircase. "The Princesses are ready to leave, aren't they? Could just make a run for it and wait for Mace Tyrell to accidentally kill himself?"
"Why would I do that?" I snorted, tilting my head back at him. "First, I am going to go inform our lovely hosts that an army's going to show up on their doorstep." He raised an eyebrow at that before he shrugged it off, uncaring.
I had a feeling he understood why I'd consider giving off such... Terrible news to a certain Martell.
"Then I am going to get Rhaenys a dragon-"
"What?" He stopped moving and interrupted me, blinked once, shook his head, and narrowed his eyes at me. "The fuck you are... You can't just give a six-year-old a blasted dragon!"
"Why not?"
"...If you really need me to answer that question then you're clearly not going to listen to me."
I nodded at him.
He stared at me for a few moments before he let out a sigh and shrugged.
"Fuck it, won't be the craziest thing you've done already."
"That's the spirit!" I grinned at him and jumped down the rest of the staircase. "Now hurry up, I've got a hundred thousand soldiers to kill!"
He shook his head at me again.
"You're the only fucker I know that could say that with a straight fuckin' face."
I crossed my arms at him.
"Seriously, hurry up, those poor bastards aren't just going to kill themselves you know!"
I was lying.
They absolutely were.
...
Hope You Enjoyed! Don't Forget Feedback!
The long-awaited for interlude of the Reach will be coming up next.
Leave your thoughts on who you want the main POV from.
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Trying To Get Myself Killed: Westeros Edition by NotAHero101
TV » Game of Thrones Rated: M, English, Humor & Adventure, Robert B., Eddard S., Words: 71k+, Favs: 1k+, Follows: 1k+, Published: Nov 25, 2021 Updated: Oct 6, 2023
279Chapter 33: Interlude: Olenna Tyrell
...
The world was mind-bogglingly cursed, in her honest opinion. One she hoped would either end soon or start over and try again.
By the assholes that created it, she wasn't sure how they could've managed to screw it up this badly.
She let out a heavy sigh as she stared out the balcony, taking in everything down below.
She'd never believed in magic. Hogwash the lot of it really. Sure there might've been subtle hints of it in the past- When dragons roamed the skies and held the Targaryen chokehold over Westeros with impunity... Perhaps. But until recently she'd firmly believed that whatever chance such a concept had of existing, had died down, permanently.
Of course, that was the broader term itself that she didn't believe in. She'd had her own inklings of arcane and dark sorcery been a thing that roamed around quietly- Mostly in the rest of the world. Things that relied on true faith and an obscene amount of sacrifice- Sacrifice that usually wasn't quite worth the result in a way. That she didn't have a problem believing in. Seven hells the Faceless Men practically spouted it out whenever one looked to them for a solution.
But magic... Pure, wish-fulfillment, uncontained, power? Without consequences? Without sacrifice? The simple ability to bend the very world to one's whims? The thought was worth scoffing at.
Even Aegon Targaryen, the man who conquered seven kingdoms, had paid the price for it. Had lost one of his sibling wives and a dragon towards its end. Had been forced to adapt to customs he hadn't intended nor believed in.
Had changed his very gods.
And even after all that, his family line itself had been cursed.
For a woman in her position of power... Well, she had quite a bit to lose. Quite a bit for the gods to take away for whatever she might've wanted. What was the use in giving her granddaughter a crown filled with prickly thorns? A crown that would've buggered her long before she would've got the chance to use it?
No. She had been never desperate enough to tread those lines. To look for solutions she didn't understand and up until recently, she'd never had to.
Up until recently she'd had full faith in the fact that if such a problematic source of power was in play against her family, then whichever fool sought it would pay for it themselves long before she ever had a chance of making him do so.
And then the rumors started.
Of a mad man that had insulted the king repeatedly and lived to tell the tale. A mad man that had dueled one of the Kingsguard with a dagger and a tankard. A mad man that had laughed off and challenged every assassin thrown at him, for the first two acts of stupidity, to do better. A mad man that challenged the Mountain-that-rides. A mad man that had killed members of the Royal family.
She hadn't believed those preposterous rumors. Such a man couldn't possibly exist, for every one of those accomplishments would've ended in them dying.
And then the ravens came.
She had been ecstatic on the news that the first had brought her. That the Queen- though she hadn't shown it of course- had been removed from her granddaughter's path. That the king, who thought between his legs and favored a hammer to every problem, was available on the board once again.
And while the fools around her mourned, she had made to prepare her darling rose. Prepare her for her chance, for it had finally come!
Only to recall the rumors. Only to recall the source of House Tyrell's small blessing.
It was at that point that the second raven had come. The one proclaiming a manhunt for the impossible fool. A bounty placed, one that both her own house and the greaving Lannisters had matched and pushed up further.
Her son had done it out of some misbegotten sense of duty.
She had done it to get rid of a chaotic threat.
Only it had failed.
Every day, a new corpse was lined up, while another was collected. Knights of the Reach felled one by one. The price for families who lost because of it increased by day until... They were forced to seek out sellswords, for even the most hardheaded knightly fool had realized their chances were slim. Oddly enough any sellsword she'd tried to reach out towards had simply laughed the offer off, proclaiming their lives worth more than whatever sum of dragons they'd offered.
Her agitation had been rather vocal when the tenth attempt at hiring a sword-swinging fool had failed, if her granddaughter was to be believed. Yet, for all that, things had quickly settled in for a lull- To her surprise at the time. Even after Tywin Lannister had marched into the capital with an army. Even after the Wolves of the North had wiped their hands clean of the mess they'd run into.
For a moment in time, the game had resumed itself as if the mad man hadn't interrupted it. For a moment in time, she'd genuinely come to believe that the threat had been personal. That the fool had done what he did because he hated the Lannisters and that her granddaughter's pathway wasn't actually in threat. That whatever madness had fallen onto those caught in the mad fools' path, had been borne out of luck. A small part of her even considered the ridiculous notion that it was all part of the Starks plans of all things.
And then... The bleeding sky... Was set on fire.
It was then she realized that it wasn't just a mad fool- Because she'd seen his literal face literally appear in said fire. She'd realized It wasn't just a lucky idiot. It was one that practiced sorcery. Arcane talents, the fool had surely had for surviving for so long.
Yet, when the gods had cursed the mad fool for what he had done and chose to smite him down it had failed, and the cries of a red god had swept across their continent.
It was a sound that filled her nightmares to this day. A sound of pure, utter, agony come to life.
The mad fool had ignored the price expected of him.
The mad fool had killed a god.
And so, the Queen of Thornes as she was so eloquently called had decreed that so long as Karma lived with his intentions hidden, House Tyrell would involve themselves no further in the game.
And the gods immediately punished her for it by taking hold of her son.
By taking their army.
She watched it leave before her very eyes this instant, passively, without a thought of their so-called quest in her mind.
She watched the so-called Warrior as he led a hundred thousand men of the Reach out of the safety of Highgardens walls and towards their deaths.
She hadn't lived this long not to understand that if a lord had to bring a hundred thousand swords with him, to fight a smaller army, then that lord feared his chances.
The Warrior was leading them to fight one man.
And her gut feeling told her he was going to lose.
That she was going to lose her son.
And for all that, it also told her one, very, important thing.
If her son returns to her, then House Tyrell would rise further than ever. The glory of victory alone would cement them as the one true family in the continent, chosen by the gods themselves. A status that even the King himself couldn't hold himself to. A marriage to the royal family would be childs play.
Should her son return to her, victorious whether through a god's power or not, House Tyrell would hold Westeros by its figurative balls.
If he doesn't return, however, then her sweet Margaery had only one job to do then... Because whoever holds Karma in their corner holds the world itself. The seven kingdoms would become an afterthought to them.
And quite frankly, she wasn't sure which one was preferable, because, on account of the interactions between her and the god that had taken over her son, she found the Warrior to be an absolute cunt.
Worse.
He was a dumb cunt who had ignored her every word, her every piece of advice and warning, on account of her being born to the 'wrong gender.'
She'd never thought the day would come when Mace Tyrell had a chance at coming back to her smarter than before.
Truly, Karma was a magic-abusing miracle-working asshole.
And poor, sweet, Margaery might have to marry him.
The world was mind-bogglingly cursed indeed.
...
Hope You Enjoyed! Don't Forget Feedback!
Edit: I'll release the interactions between her and the Warrior at later date as part of the Sidestory series of snippets I intend to have made for this.
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Trying To Get Myself Killed: Westeros Edition by NotAHero101
TV » Game of Thrones Rated: M, English, Humor & Adventure, Robert B., Eddard S., Words: 71k+, Favs: 1k+, Follows: 1k+, Published: Nov 25, 2021 Updated: Oct 6, 2023
279Chapter 34: Interlude: Jon Snow
...
He was feeling nervous, if he was honest with himself, as he stood behind the multiple groups of recruits around him- His uncle at the front of them, eyeing them all with a steel gaze.
They'd all been called up to Castle Black's practice yard, this time mere days before their supposed first ranging beyond the wall.
The first time it had happened, he'd thought it a normal occurrence for the Lord Commander to cancel such a thing, but at the very least he had done it long before they'd even picked out which recruits would get to glimpse what lay beyond.
Surely, the reason for calling them all here this time, was simply to make sure they were prepared. Surely the man wouldn't delay it again, so close to the day.
The sound of crunching, caused his head to turn and land on one of the 'veterans' of the Night's Watch.
Eddison Tollett.
The most faithless man he'd ever met.
And the only one to laugh when the sky was set on fire, and they'd all been ceremoniously introduced to the blasphemous criminal currently running around Westeros.
Eddison had found it funny, quipping that with their luck the 'fucker' would be one of their brothers soon enough.
"Whatchu staring at Snow?" The man questioned him passively for a moment before, to Jon's embarrassment, he offered him what was left of the bone he'd been chewing on.
"Um." He blinked at the outstretched bone. "I am good Edd..."
"Huh." The man deadpanned before idly continuing to chew on said bone. "I know a few girls that used to say that to me," He paused for a moment. "Same face too."
"Right..." He remarked awkwardly before shifting on his feet as he turned back towards his uncle.
"You know what," The man continued, idly walking a few feet to stand beside him. "Ever since you joined, I haven't had to work half as hard."
His words were quickly drawing the other members of the watch towards him, causing him to lower his gaze the slightest and pretend he wasn't the man the paranoid steward was talking to.
"You're a good luck charm is what you are," The man remarked, patting him on the back. "I ought to stay by you from now on."
"...Uh..." He fumbled for the words before letting out a sigh. "Thanks, Edd."
He didn't need to turn his gaze to know the man was grinning at him with that disturbing smile of his, though he did notice his uncle now staring at him with amusement.
Everyone around him seemed to be somewhat amused for that matter, though that might've had something to do with the fact the Lord Commander had decided to finally walk out of his solar, a waddling Lannister behind him.
Ever since they'd received the letter detailing what had happened to the Queen, Tyrion Lannister had decided he ought to stick around for a while longer.
Everyone thought it was because he feared returning given his family was in danger and he was, well, a dwarf.
Edd had thought it was because the dwarf had taken it as a good sign to stick around, detailing his own strained relationship with his own Tollett sister.
He didn't believe either- Personally, he'd thought the Lannister felt more welcomed here, amongst thieves and criminals who wouldn't judge him for his status, but rather his coin.
When the sky was set on fire, Lannister had elected to delay his return even more.
That time he'd figured it was out of fear.
Even Edd had agreed with him, though the man had stopped spending any time near the Lannister out of fear of getting caught between the vengeful 'god' running around killing deities and royalty.
He'd never thought such a sentence would ever come out of his thoughts.
"Good, you're all here." The Lord Commander barked out to gain everyone's attention. "I have some bad news for all of you, I am afraid." The man started sternly, his words earning a grumble out of most of the recruits around him, all of them itching to experience the infamous lands beyond the wall- Even himself.
Hell, even those who'd been before looked annoyed, which he couldn't blame really. He figured anything was more exciting than the mundane daily chores they'd been saddled with.
Edd was, once again, the only one happy.
Still, to their credit, no one voiced their opinion.
"However, I assure you- You'll get your first journey as soon as Eddard Stark has made his way here."
His eyes widened at the words.
His father was coming here?
Even Benjen looked somewhat surprised, turning a slightly raised eyebrow towards their commander.
Of course, that time someone did make their opinion of the notion known. The words and voice immediately setting his blood cold-
"Stark?" Alliser Thorne barked out. "The Night's Watch does not care for southern politics- Why is Stark any different?"
Benjen much like himself, held their tongue back on the man- Only because the Lord Commander had spoken instead.
"And you know it's politics that brings him here do you?" Mormont remarked, crossing his arms. "I'd no idea you had access to my letters,"
Thorne wilted the slightest bit as all eyes turned towards him before he scoffed.
"What other reason would he have to visit? Unless he wants his bastard back beside him."
Silence fell over the crowd, as eyes subtly turned towards him.
Thankfully said silence didn't last too long as Tyrion Lannister of all people, broke it with a laugh. One that Mormont silenced with an annoyed look to the dwarf.
"I know not what Eddard Stark wants- Only that we delay our expedition until he arrives." The words turned the anger up on Thorne's face all the more. "And before you decide to parrot your words, do remember that the food you enjoy, the weapons you hold, and the armor you wear, without Stark's help we'd have less than half of it." Mormont rose himself up. "So if Eddard Starks asked of me to wait. That is the least we can do."
Gratitude and pride filled him at those words as he puffed his chest out a little bit more- An action his own uncle, despite clearly holding the urge back to, copied.
"...Well that is true, but only because my father would never consider opening his purse for this place." The Dwarf's words cut through the silence that temporarily filled once again. "Granted, I doubt Stark has us beat in the criminals you recruit." The quip managed to earn a snort out of even the Lord comm-
All of them immediately stiffened as they felt the sudden heat that swept all around them, before once again to their shocks, they watched the sky split open.
His mouth gaped even as the recruits around him started panicking.
"Old gods help us whose the cunt trying to kill this time!?" Eddison deadpanned beside him.
He barely heard him, nor the commotion that followed as he stared at the literal army that showed up in the flames in the sky-
Only for his gaze to find out why everyone was actually panicking.
"Is that..."
"Gods be good..."
He couldn't help but agree as he took in the dragon that was on the other side of said army.
As he took in the dragon whose head was currently been stepped on by who could only be Karma The Mad.
"Woops. I think everyone's watching us now- Now listen here you little shit-" His mouth couldn't help but open and close as the echoing words washed over him. As he took in the man literally holding his foot over a dragon's neck and bearing his face so dangerously close to the beasts mouth."You can either submit, or you can taste gravity again."
A single beat passed as absolutely no one said word- Though a handful of recruits had dropped their swords, all of them were frozen in pure fear.
All except Tyrion Lannister whose eyesight seemed to have made up for his deformity as he eloquently pointed out the Reach banners on one side.
"Well. Fathers going to be happy about something." A single beat passed. "The Tyrells are about to burn through their influence."
...The dwarf really could make fun of anything, he thought numbly.
Temporarily gazing at the dwarf, he found the man as enraptured as them though... For some reason, he looked excited about it.
Karma raised his gaze up towards them before he raised and pointed a finger towards the army on the side of the field of burning clouds.
"Stick around boys and girls- That over there is the Warrior come again- You may have read about him in the Seven Pointed Fuckwits, or just heard of him from a Septon while he was buggering you!"
"...Gold dragon on Karma." Eddison Tollett immediately deadpanned following the... The...
He couldn't really think of a word to describe that.
He just knew that Catelyn Stark might have finally found something to hate more than him.
On account of Edd Tollett however... "You don't have a gold dragon." He mindlessly whispered back, his gaze captured and held.
"I will if one of these dumb fucks accepts."
...
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Trying To Get Myself Killed: Westeros Edition by NotAHero101
TV » Game of Thrones Rated: M, English, Humor & Adventure, Robert B., Eddard S., Words: 71k+, Favs: 1k+, Follows: 1k+, Published: Nov 25, 2021 Updated: Oct 6, 2023
279Chapter 22
A few hours earlier from the previous chapter.
...
Doran Martell was giving me an utterly done look right about now.
"Let me see if I understand this," The man remarked calmly as his brother shifted behind his back. Oberyn's gaze unlike Doran's was not on me but on his somewhat shaking sister and niece. The princess currently locking her arms around her daughter's neck, a faraway look in her eyes.
Figures she'd feel the divine influence marching towards her home.
Sandor and my Jonin commander- Because really that's what the 'head' faceless man practically was right about now- We're both behind me. Well, the ninja was. Sandor was leaning back against the wall, currently counting his options as he presumably waited for me to drop the dragon part of my explanation.
"The Warrior." Doran managed to say with a straight face, proving he was entirely capable of believing in divinity- Credit to me I suppose? "Is currently marching to my doorstep, amidst a fog of sorts that that will lead him through my kingdom without an eye catching him nor a sound made?"
I nodded.
"With an army of a hundred thousand men, and you want me not to call my banners?" He held the bridge of his nose. "This is exactly what I was afraid would happen!"
I scrunched my nose at that.
"That the bloody Warrior would come after you?"
"That an army would march onto Sunspear!" Doran thundered back.
I just tilted my head at him.
"So?"
His expression broke at the word as the figurative fire left him.
"As for why you shouldn't call your banners," I continued on, assuming sense had finally reached him. "Even if you somehow managed to beat him to your doorstep-" Incredulousness filled his brother. "-What good is ten, twenty- Maybe even thirty thousand going to do?" I scoffed at him. "They wouldn't even slow him down."
Wariness replaced the man at those words.
"Like, you did get the part where he's enchanted his men right?"
"How so?" Oberyn cut in, a steel look in his eyes. "Surely you could do the same for us no? To fewer men would not your enchantment be better?"
I shrugged at that, leaning back into the seat.
"I mean, why bother?" I questioned him seriously. "I mean yeah sure, he has all of them enchanted with borderline Valyrian Steel weapon and armor-" Dread filled the younger brother's face, while Doran closed his eyes and started praying of all things. "Ten thousand of 'em have all of his skills-" Doran's gaze snapped open, wide. "And a hundred of 'em have his divinity? So they're practically immortal compared to you... And even if the main head gets lopped off, he'd just jump into one of those, and not to mention he's effectively using their senses at the same time, so even if your men could damage his army, he'd certainly see through your attack form."
There was a heavy sense of defeat rolling out of them all- Sandor included.
The only one not fazed at all, was, of course, my ninja.
I shrugged again.
"And you want me to empower thirty thousand men with something better?" I scoffed. "Sorry, but I don't feel like it." I deadpanned.
Doran's face slumped into his hands at those words, not even bothering to argue with me on the matter, while Oberyn simply grew a resigned expression on his own face.
"It was a good run." Sandor deadpanned behind me. "At least one of us is finally getting what they want."
"Hmm?" I turned towards the scarred man at the words. "Whatchu mean?"
The man gave me a quizzical look.
"Well, they can kill you can't they?" He answered easily. "That's what you want."
I just started chuckling at that.
"Sandor," I snorted. "You do realize that if he does in fact kill me- I'd literally murder the entire fucking divine kingdom right?"
He blinked in bemusement at that.
"No-" I snorted. "What the Warrior plans on doing is send me off straight to the next world- And until I've killed the stupid kingdom, I've no interest in that happening."
Doran rose his face out of his hands at that, as Oberyn leaned in curiously.
"You know, you're usually so fucking confusing- But that has to be the most Westerosi fucking thing I've heard you say so far." The man nodded with approval lacing his eyes.
I just chuckled at that and turned back toward the two princes.
"...You think you can win?" Oberyn questioned, a tad eager for some reason. "Truly?"
I snorted at that.
"If I couldn't win, he wouldn't have brought a hundred thousand men to fight me." I grinned. "He's literally scraped every ounce of his power for this trick."
"How?" Doran questioned, ignoring my words. "What must you do- What do you need to win?"
"Why aren't you worried?" Oberyn chose to throw in one more question.
"'Cos, I've fought something like this before- Only, instead of a hundred thousand from one kingdom, it was more billions from every star- From every system, from every freakin' galaxy." I paused for a moment, taking in the myriad of expressions on the two princes. "When you look up at the night sky- Every star you see, and every star beyond, pretend that all of them is hundreds of thousands of times bigger than this continent- All of them filled to the brim with warriors-" I started chuckling. "Now imagine every last one of them, pointing a giant spear towards this little planet."
Oberyn was the first to break the silence that followed with a gulp.
"I didn't just win." I let the manic grin grow on my face as the memory filled the forefront of my mind. "I destroyed them, to the last fucking hair strand."
"...What'd you do, blow up the stars?" Sandor deadpanned with a joke.
I turned towards and nodded in response.
"Yeah, basically."
He stopped finding it funny.
"You're not gonna blow up the world are you!?" Rhaenys decided to question-
On that account who the fuck invited a six-year-old to- Oh wait that was me.
"-I just got back here!" Rhaenys remarked, grabbing hold of her head. "I live here!"
I rolled my eyes at her.
"If your uncles keep doubting me, I just might." She immediately turned a glare towards them.
You know, I was really starting to like the little shit.
To their credit- Oberyn stopped doubting me as he started smiling a tad bit, while Doran just gave up.
Literally just let out a long sigh and said he'll follow my lead.
About fucking time.
"I mean sure, but you do realize the Warrior's only here for me, right? If he wins, he'll just leave?"
"And a hundred thousand reachmen will still be at my door," Doran remarked dryly.
Fair enough.
"I'll have you know if he does win, I really will blow up the planet." I joked.
They didn't take it as a joke- Well, Elia did.
The funny part was, one way or another I was more than likely going to somehow end up saving this stupid world.
And hopefully, it won't involve killing everyone in it.
I think I've committed enough genocides for several lifetimes.
Pun intended.
A loud sigh suddenly came out of the aforementioned woman as she formed fists out of her hands.
"...If he was capable of gaining an army this powerful..." She grit her teeth. "Why didn't the Warrior just end the Long Night himself!?" Elia almost screamed the last part out, sheer frustration lacing her voice.
An uncomfortable silence quickly filled the room at that- The two princes shared a very unnerving glance towards each other, hints of realization dawning on them as they remembered why their sister was a wreck.
Rhaenys slumped in her mother's arms, practically digging her form into her chest, while my ninja simply started to hum in thought.
Sandor was probably the only one that didn't really give a fuck as to how the world was going to inevitably end. He was probably just hoping to see it.
"A good question indeed, princess." The man ninja remarked absentmindedly. "Truth to be told... There are a few contracts we Faceless Men do not take- And those that lay far, far, beyond the Wall are one of them."
Elia's gaze swiveled towards the ninja in accusation.
"Why?" Her voice was practically pleading- Though it didn't have any effect on the man as he simply that he didn't know, without a care.
"That's easy," I chose to answer. "It's the game, you're all familiar with, on a divine scale." I paused for a beat. "If the Warriors of the living decide to take the field- The Necromancers of the dead decide to level it." I sighed. "And the living generally have more to lose."
"Necromancers?"
"The god of the White Walkers- He's a glorified necromancer. A being that raises and fights with corpses." A single beat passed. "The Drowned god too, in a way- He just likes his meat puppets a little more living." I turned towards Elia. "Why do you think Euron Greyjoy always survives the White Walkers? Hm?"
Shock quickly fell into the woman's face.
"He's on their side!?"
I shrugged at that. "Well, he's certainly not their enemy- And they, not his." I paused for a second. "So yeah, as much as the Warrior and what not might want to, he can't risk giving the other side any ideas- Better to play with rules than without any in a fragile world."
Despite not wanting to think about such a scenario- It was oddly welcoming that they accepted it.
I had a feeling they were more familiar with escalations in a 'game' than anything else.
"What about you?" Rhaenys chose to question with a frown. "Don't they play with you? If you start playing?"
I grinned at the girl.
"There is no leveling the field against death itself little girl."
I started chuckling.
"There is only acceptance of the inevitable."
...
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Trying To Get Myself Killed: Westeros Edition by NotAHero101
TV » Game of Thrones Rated: M, English, Humor & Adventure, Robert B., Eddard S., Words: 71k+, Favs: 1k+, Follows: 1k+, Published: Nov 25, 2021 Updated: Oct 6, 2023
279Chapter 23
...
She held in the urge to gulp as she stared up ahead, her place on top of her sitting uncle's lap. Beside her right, stood her fretting cousin and surprisingly indifferent mother. While her other uncle stood ramrod straight at the end of them, on her left, overtaking her in height considerably, stood Karma's scary knight and the doggy one. At the end of both sides were her uncle's scared guards and the worried knight that was behind her cousin.
She really should learn their names.
Peeking down below she found a few more guards with spears, visibly shaking at the sight of the army on the other side of the calm, but cold, desert.
The army that covered the entire view.
She hadn't really been sure how big of a number a hundred thousand was- But at least now she can tell people what it looked like!
Everyone had been really quiet the past week and worried- All of them waiting for a sign of the approaching enemy. Everyone except him of course- Who somehow knew when they showed up. And they really just popped out of nowhere! Kind of like her mom and her actually.
Just ahead of her, and the only one grinning of all things, stood Karma. The funniest person she'd ever met. Right now he was just staring out ahead, stood on top of the ledge before her, to her side, one sword lazily held over his shoulder.
"Are you sure about this?" Uncle Oby questioned warily. "They're not moving- Which I take it means they're waiting for you?"
Karma nodded.
"...It's not too late to wait for our banners then..." Her other uncle said behind her. "If they're-"
She watched, a little amused, as Karma just shrugged at her uncle without letting him finish before he jumped down- A few of the people on the wall scrambled to check if he was alive- Though no one from her family, who instead just peeked downwards with a sigh.
The doggy knight snorted at that.
"I'll never get tired of him just shitting all over your lordly opinions."
Her family glared at the knight. He didn't really care. She however personally understood him- She didn't really care either.
Karma wasn't scared so, why should she be?
She idly put her hands securely on the ledge and peeked downwards properly, and watched as Karma started walking slowly through the sand while whistling.
"They're so fucked." Doggy knight deadpanned again, shaking his head.
She agreed with him- Her family didn't seem to.
And all of sudden, the whistling started getting louder, and louder and much louder- To the point, that she started covering her ears and closing her eyes slightly.
"Rhaenys?" Her sitting uncle questioned quickly, a hand going to her shoulder- Which made her realize she'd been crouching in his lap. "What's wrong?"
"Loud..." She whispered back, this time gaining her mother's and uncle Oby's attention-
She couldn't help but wonder how long it would take before she grew up enough for it not to hurt- Because it clearly wasn't affecting everyone else!
"Karma." The sudden voice that swamped all over the clearing made her stiffen- For a moment helping her ignore the whistling pain as she reopened her eyes fully.
Thankfully that time, everyone else heard it.
Painful whistles were one thing, but hearing voices was probably a much bigger problem if her family history said anything about it.
"Accept my peace. For though you have scant a chance at winning this battle- If you do, there will be no victory for this world." The voice reverberated through them all- Her uncles both whispering to each other in mild shock, while the scary and doggy knight didn't react-
She promptly found herself picked up from her uncle's lap by her mother, though thankfully held by her stomach so she could still see- Even if her mother's arms were holding her a tad hard, and visibly shaking for some reason.
It was just a voice... Couldn't really hurt anyone right?
"We are all that hold this cycle and you threaten us without care."
The voice continued, causing a headache to start forming in her head.
"Refuse, and when you fall, those that have accepted your madness shall follow."
"Oh, that's fucking bullshit!" Doggy knight immediately reacted. "Go fuck yourselves you-"
"Have a care how you speak mongrel."
"Oh shit." Doggy knight whispered out, taken back.
The scary one snorted.
After a beat passed, she watched as doggy knight shrugged and calmly told the voice to go to hell anyway.
Everyone else- Besides the ones that looked a little white in the face, let out a very long sigh and started muttering under their breath.
"I can't tell if we're the luckiest sods in the world or not anymore." Uncle Oby said out loud. "On the one hand, it's a hell of an accomplishment to piss off divinity- On the other, we might not live to enjoy it."
That didn't sound very reassuring if she was honest-
Instead of answering the voice in their heads- Karma had to hear it as well right? They all watched as a vast shadow suddenly covered him, her eyes widening as she wondered what was coming out from underneath, before uncle Oby said a bad word like doggy knight always did.
She blinked in bemusement and turned towards him, only then noticing that he was staring upwards-
Looking up, her jaw dropped as she found a very large dragon flying in the sky.
"...Fucker wasn't kidding about getting you dragon." Doggy knight deadpanned as he turned towards her.
She blinked in confusion.
"Huh?"
"What the fuck did you just say?" Her sitting uncle swore for the first time ever-
"For who!?" Her mother questioned quickly glaring at doggy knight before turning back to the dragon.
"Karma called a dragon." Uncle Oby said as he slouched a little bit- Her mother said that was bad for someone's pasture. "Since when could he call dragons?" A beat passed. "Aren't they supposed to all be dead!?"
Said dragon promptly roared- And wow was that loud!
Her ears felt like they were about to burst!
"You heard the dragon- That means no!"
Karma could speak dragon.
That was so cool!
...Wait, hold on was she going to have to learn to speak dragon too!?
Why couldn't Karma get her a small one to start with!?
"Oi, you stupid dragon, get down here already!" A single beat passed. "And stop eyeing that army! Those are my kills!" Another beat passed. "You can eat the corpses later! I just want to introduce you to someone!"
She couldn't help but gulp that time.
"Oh to hell with it."
To her surprise, instead of flying down slowly, she watched as the dragon started falling down very fast, while its roar turned into more of a screech!
Today was going to be very interesting, wasn't it?
Idly taking her gaze off the dragon slowly, she took in the army on the other side and couldn't help but wonder if they looked further away than before.
And that was the moment all the guards outside promptly ran back in, and everyone inside started running around looking for something because the sky was suddenly set on fire!
Yup.
Very interesting day.
Squinting her eyes, she watched as Karma casually walked up to the dragon much bigger than him, and put his foot on its neck before he looked up and noticed the sky was on fire.
"Whoops."
...You know, as much as she might've trusted Karma... She had a feeling he was a bit reckless.
She made a vow then and there that when she grew up and learned his tricks, she was going to make sure that if the sky was ever set on fire, it was on purpose!
"The sky's on fire... Again." Her sitting uncle whispered out loud.
"...I am still kind of processing the dragon here," Uncle Oby added on in the same whisper.
"I am stuck on my cousin and aunt been alive personally." Her cousin said, staring at her.
Rude..? She wasn't entirely sure how to take that.
Doggy knight was just laughing right now.
"I think everyone's watching us now-"
No fair! No one else should get to learn his tricks!
"And divine insult in three, two, one-" Doggy knight immediately said out loud.
...
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Scary knight's the faceless man. Doggy's self-explanatory.
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