It was high noon, the sun blazing over the dirt path. The trio had been walking for hours when Mika finally snapped.
"We're stopping. Now."
He didn't ask — he declared it, like a king tired of his subjects.
Lucien smiled, brushing a strand of hazelnut hair from his annoyingly perfect face. "Tired already, Mika?"
Mika glared. "No. I just don't want someone collapsing and slowing us down." His eyes flicked to Kuro.
Kuro blinked innocently. "Me?"
"Yes, you," Mika said, then added, more quietly, "...and maybe him too."
Lucien smirked. "You could've just said you wanted a break."
"I didn't," Mika said flatly, already walking off the road to a small clearing.
[Oh my f***ing god, this is going to be fun. Angry ice boy, pretty prince, and you — the anxious forest fairy. Someone hand me popcorn.]
{Elvastia, please behave this time.}
[No promises.]
They got the fire going surprisingly fast. Then came the food.
Kuro pulled out a cooking pot, dried meat, a loaf of slightly-stale bread, and — a jar.
The jar.
A jar so suspicious, so evil-looking, that even the sunlight seemed to dim around it.
Mika squinted. "What the hell is that?"
Kuro tilted his head. "Um… the guild called it 'Multi-Purpose Monster Marinade'."
Lucien leaned closer, his noble nose twitching. "It's… bubbling."
[It's not bubbling. It's breathing. That jar has seen war, Kuro. Put it back.]
{Maybe it's supposed to do that?}
[Yeah, and maybe I'm supposed to kiss a troll on the a** for good luck.]
Kuro flinched slightly when the jar let out a soft pop noise. "Oh. It's… enthusiastic."
Mika looked personally offended. "That thing belongs in a dungeon."
Lucien rolled up his sleeves. "Relax. I can cook. How hard could it be?"
Spoiler: It was hard.
Five minutes in, smoke was rising.
Ten minutes in, something in the pot was screaming.
Fifteen minutes in—
"WHY IS IT GREEN?!" Mika shouted, standing over the bubbling chaos. "What did you DO?!"
Lucien waved a spoon around like a sword. "I'm improvising!"
"You're summoning something!"
Kuro leaned forward cautiously. "I think it's moving…"
[That's not food, that's a crime scene.]
{Maybe if we just stir it—}
[No, Kuro! Don't touch it! You're too young to die twice!]
The world seemed to freeze for a split second.
Mika's eyes snapped toward Kuro. His usual calm, icy composure faltered — just slightly — confusion flashing behind his sharp gaze."…Die… again?"
Kuro froze too, realizing what had just slipped out from Elvastia.
[Oh… s***.]
He didn't respond, didn't even blink, pretending he hadn't heard anything.Lucien, thankfully oblivious, kept stirring the bubbling monstrosity like a man possessed.
Mika's lips parted as if he wanted to say something — to ask — but then he closed his mouth again, tightening his jaw.He looked away, deciding to ignore it. To pretend it was a bad joke.For now.
"…Whatever," he muttered under his breath, more to himself than anyone else. "Probably just… nonsense."
[Well, that was close. Note to self: no resurrection jokes around Ice Daddy, got it.]
{Elvastia, shut up.}
[Yes, sir, Mr. Twice-Dead Elf.]
Mika grabbed the spoon out of Lucien's hand and jabbed the pot like he was exorcising it. "You don't cook like this! What is this?"
Lucien calmly adjusted his hair. "Art."
"ART?! This looks like if sadness had diarrhea!"
[Oh my f***, I love this. Keep yelling. The soup deserves it.]
After twenty minutes of culinary warfare, Lucien ladled some into wooden bowls. It sloshed like slime and smelled like failure.
"Bon appétit," he said gracefully.
Mika stared at his bowl. "If this kills me, I'm haunting you."
Lucien smiled. "You'll have to stand in line."
Kuro hesitated, trying to be positive. "It looks… colorful?"
[So does poison, Kuro.]
Lucien took the first bite, because apparently pride was stronger than survival instinct. His eye twitched, but he forced a smile. "Not bad."
Mika took one small spoonful, chewed… and immediately spat it out like a flamethrower.
"WHAT—WHAT THE ACTUAL F*** IS THIS?!" He clutched his chest like he'd been attacked. "It tastes like burnt socks dipped in misery!"
Lucien's expression remained serene. "You're exaggerating."
Mika pointed his spoon at him. "I wish I was exaggerating!"
Kuro braved a bite. His face went through six stages of emotion — confusion, pain, regret, fear, acceptance, and finally peace.
"It's… okay," he lied weakly.
Mika turned to him, horrified. "Kuro. Spit it out. You're too young for this kind of suffering."
Kuro quickly swallowed and smiled shakily. "It's not that bad…"
[He's lying, and I love the courage. Ten points for emotional damage.]
Mika downed his water like he was trying to cleanse his soul. "Lucien, never touch food again."
Lucien raised a brow. "Would you rather cook?"
"Yes," Mika said instantly.
Kuro blinked. "But Mika, you said you can't cook."
"I'll learn. I'd rather die learning than die eating this."
[You tell him, ice king. Let's bury that soup where it can't hurt anyone.]
Lucien smirked. "Well, maybe it's an acquired taste."
"Yeah," Mika snapped, "for monsters!"
[Monsters would send it back.]
Eventually, they gave up. The pot was sealed, buried, and given a small funeral.
Lucien looked offended. "It wasn't that bad."
Mika crossed his arms. "It blinked at me."
Kuro quietly whispered, "It did blink…"
[AND it growled. I'm not crazy, right?]
{I thought I heard that too…}
Mika rubbed his temples, muttering something that sounded like, "I should've just hunted a boar…"
Lucien laughed softly. "Well, at least we bonded."
"Bonded?!" Mika barked. "You nearly poisoned us!"
Lucien smiled, as if that was a compliment. "Then it's a memory."
[Yeah. A traumatic one.]
Kuro giggled softly despite himself, and Mika's glare softened for half a second before returning to its usual sharpness.
"Next time," Mika said, "Kuro's cooking. At least he can't possibly do worse."
Lucien grinned. "I wouldn't bet on that."
[Oh, I would. I'd put my entire immortal existence on that bet.]
Kuro sighed. "Can't we just… buy food next time?"
[YES. FINALLY. SOME F***ING SENSE.]
Mika actually chuckled — a rare, quiet sound. "For once, I agree with him."
Lucien smiled faintly. "Then it's settled. No more… experiments."
[Good. I was two bites away from possessing someone and ending humanity.]
Kuro smiled shyly. "At least we'll always remember this day."
Mika raised an eyebrow. "How could we forget?"
Lucien laughed. "My cooking leaves an impression."
"Yeah," Mika muttered. "Like a scar."
[This group is going to kill me — and I'm already dead.]