The Bureau of Reincarnation was on fire.
Not literally, though Snicker Dude had once hot wired the snack portal and caused a brief explosion in the Custard Records Department.
No, this was metaphorical fire: disorganized soul queues, glitter residue in the karma tubes, and one Mimi.exe who had managed to hack the reincarnation feedback system to send her new mage sugar cubes that tasted like devotion.
"She's sending care packages back to the living world," Ginger Snap grumbled, holding a soul report covered in cat stickers and badly drawn rune hearts. "This is a violation of six afterlife codes and an aesthetic crime."
"She called it 'emotional loop gifting,'" Riku offered, sipping his coffee from a mug that read: I Brake For Destiny.
Éclair leaned on the war table in the Bureau's strategy lounge, trench coat fluttering dramatically despite no wind. "We knew this would happen when we let her keep the tail extensions."
"We had to," Madame Macaron sighed, dabbing her temples with a lemon-scented lace cloth. "She threatened to reincarnate as a god-tier pop idol with divine stage access and teleporting backup dancers."
"She already was teleporting glitter," Karma-1 said flatly from the corner. The truck's holographic projection, a vaguely handsome man with chrome cheekbones and headlight eyes, flickered slightly. "The cleaning staff are still finding sparkles in the air ducts."
Snicker Dude burst into the room holding a cake with a candle shaped like a soul.
"WHO'S READY FOR A VICTORY PARTY?"
"There was no victory," Ginger said. "We got outwitted by a catgirl with brand management."
"She has merch now," Riku added, pulling out a Nyanaria Sparklefluff sticker someone had slapped on his driver's badge.
Madame Macaron gasped. "What?!"
"Limited edition," Riku said. "Signed with soul ink."
Éclair pinched the bridge of his nose. "We're losing control."
"We lost it when Snicker Dude installed the karaoke machine in the portal chamber," Macaron muttered.
Snicker shrugged. "Souls die happier when they go out on a banger."
Ginger Snap slapped down a fresh report on the meeting table. It flopped open with the grace of an angry pancake.
"Meanwhile," he growled, "our next soul wants to be a vending machine."
Everyone stared at him.
"A what?" Macaron blinked.
"A. Vending. Machine," Ginger repeated slowly. "With upgrade options, dungeon access, and 'snack-based bonding mechanics.'"
"I think I love him already," Snicker whispered.
"He wants to be a snack god," Riku added, flipping through the file. "And he died under an anime figurine. Full-size. Limited run."
Macaron sat down very slowly. "This isn't reincarnation. This is reincarnacircus."
Éclair cleared his throat. "I move to rename our current project: Operation Dumb Choices."
"I second it," Karma-1 added.
Snicker raised his hand. "Can I do the theme song?"
"No," Ginger and Macaron said at once.
A long silence followed, interrupted only by the distant hum of the reality stabilizer grinding to hold together the portal to Arcania-12. A few leftover sparkles from Mimi's exit floated lazily across the room.
Riku leaned back in his chair.
"You guys always this dramatic?" he asked.
"No," Macaron sighed. "Sometimes we cry frosting."
Riku chuckled. "Well... I guess I'll get ready to deliver Derek."
He stood up, stretching. A glitter puff burst from his sleeves.
"Just... be careful," Éclair said quietly. "The vending machine requests are never as simple as they sound."
"Wait," Riku paused at the door. "There's been more than one?"
"Too many," Ginger muttered, pulling out a folder labeled:📁 Project Sprite Lord: DO NOT OPEN.
Snicker Dude leaned in. "If he starts talking to the snack packets, run."
Karma-1 beeped.
"Portal locked. Soul ready. Time to roll."
"Alright," Riku said, grabbing his clipboard. "Time to honk destiny again."
As he left, the Bureau dimmed slightly. Madame Macaron looked up at the ceiling.
"Do you ever wonder if we're doing the right thing?" she asked.
Éclair lit a candy cigarette and stared at the shimmering portal.
"We are the last stop before fate," he said softly. "Even if it's a stupid one."