If inner peace could be achieved on a cracked plastic chair, then Li Jian was probably the next heavenly sage.
Unfortunately, all he had right now was a numb butt, a sore back, and the lingering echo of his neighbor belting "My Heart Will Go On" through the walls like they were performing at a cursed talent show.
⸻
Elder Sheng Tai hovered in front of him, arms crossed, expression grim. His robes drifted in the slight breeze from the desk fan.
"This chair… is not ideal."
"Then go buy me a meditation cushion," Jian muttered.
"In my time, disciples knelt on frozen mountains for hours in silence. Their bones would crack from the chill, and their spirits would sing."
"Yeah, well, my back is singing. It's called sciatica."
He adjusted his seat on the cracked monobloc chair he'd dragged from the balcony. It wobbled like an old man's knees in winter.
Jian tried to focus.
Inhale.
Exhale.
A burst of shrieking came from next door — someone was attempting a power ballad with the emotional subtlety of a drunken spirit beast.
"OH BABY TAKE ME—!"
"Tribulation."
"It's karaoke."
"No, child. The Dao tests you by creating obstacles to your inner stillness."
"Sounds like poor sound insulation to me." Jian responded
⸻
Despite the noise, Jian did his best.
He closed his eyes and tried to center himself.
He imagined his breath as wind. His body as still water. His thoughts floating like dust.
Then a crash came from upstairs — a plumbing issue, perhaps. The sound of a metal bucket falling down stairs echoed like celestial bells from hell.
"Do not let it distract and disturb you."
"I can't even hear my own brain, Grandpa."
"Good! Then it is time for the First Urban Meditation Technique."
Jian cracked one eye open. "There's an actual technique for this?"
"Yes. It is called: 'Cultivating While Pissed Off.'"
"…You just made that up." Jian rolled his eyes
"You must accept chaos. Transmute it. Let the noise become your focus — not your enemy."
Li Jian groaned. "Fine."
He closed his eyes again.
He tried something new.
Instead of blocking out the chaos, he listened to it.
The clanking pipes upstairs became… distant thunder.
The screeching neighbor… a howling spirit in a windy canyon?
The hum of traffic below… a river of mortal thoughts.
Weirdly, it started to blend together. Not peaceful, but rhythmic.
"Good," Sheng Tai whispered. "Now guide your breath through your body. Let it follow the sounds. Turn irritation into awareness."
⸻
Li Jian sat straighter.
He pictured his breath moving from his nose… down his spine… curling near his belly…
Wait, was that the "Lower Dantian"?
He wasn't sure.
He pictured a little marble of light sitting in his gut. Glowing. Slowly growing warmer.
His limbs tingled. His mind, oddly, felt clear.
Then his chair creaked violently and snapped a leg.
CRASH.
He landed hard on the tile floor, one leg twisted beneath him.
"OW! DAMMIT!"
"…Progress."
Jian groaned, rolling onto his back.
"Progress?! I just broke my chair!"
"And your ego."
"I don't have an ego. Just a bruised hip and a burning hatred for my neighbors!"
"Exactly. That's your true foundation."
⸻
Later that afternoon, defeated but not yet spiritually evicted, Jian slumped at his desk sipping on cheap bubble tea.
Sheng Tai floated nearby, stroking his beard as he reviewed the Notes App.
"You entered a partial meditation state."
"Partial because I partially destroyed my tailbone?"
"You heard the flow of the world."
"Yeah, and it screamed at me."
"You circulated breath. You pictured energy. You visualized your Dantian."
"I also got a cramp."
"You transcended one level of irritation. That is the Dao of Plastic Chairs. It teaches humility."
Jian snorted. "I learned to never meditate on cheap furniture."
"Even the lowest seat may elevate you, if you sit upon it with clarity."
He slurped his drink.
"I think I reached the Dao of Tapioca. These pearls are divine."
"Pearls… within muddy tea… symbolic. You are beginning to see meaning in form."
"I'm beginning to see cavities in sugar. Does that count?"
⸻
While Jian swapped chairs, Sheng Tai floated to the router shelf again.
"I have been observing this 'Wi-Fi Spirit Beast.' It flickers in waves. I believe it is a moody guardian."
"It's just my bandwidth."
"We must create an offering."
"No, we must upgrade the plan. I've got 3 Mbps on a good day."
"What is Mbps?"
"Pain. That's what."
The phone dinged with a new notification.
📶 Spiritual Network Detected: Localized Spirit Flow (Weak)
🔋 Electric Qi Calibration: Stable
💺 Tribulation Training – Stage 1: COMPLETE
Jian stared at the pop-up.
"…You've gamified my suffering."
"The Dao is a ladder. Each tribulation is a step."
"Then why does every step feel like a stubbed toe?"
"Because enlightenment begins with pain, confusion… and a cracked monobloc chair."