Chapter 38: Reality's Riff
The intel from Asgard was fragmented but clear: the Reality Stone had been glimpsed on a desolate, unstable planetoid deep within the Dark Sector, a place where the fabric of reality itself was thin and prone to distortion. Thanos was either there, or had recently been there, leaving chaos in his wake.
' Okay, the Reality Stone. This is where things get weird. Like, "my sandwich is trying to sell me extended car warranty" weird. My powers are already pretty reality-bending, so this could either be my ultimate playground or my ultimate undoing. Probably both. And I need to remember not to accidentally make my own thoughts manifest as giant, singing rubber ducks. That would be awkward. '
[ ROBOTIC S.T.I.E.L.S. MESSAGE: Mission parameters: Investigate Reality Stone location. Probability of reality distortion: 99.9%. Probability of sentient inanimate objects: 67.4%. Recommend extreme caution and a robust sense of existential humor. ]
Adam, accompanied by Wanda (whose own reality-warping powers made her uniquely suited for this mission) and a very cautious Vision, journeyed to the desolate planetoid. The moment they exited their ship, the air shimmered. Colors shifted, sounds warped, and the ground beneath their feet seemed to ripple like water.
"This is… unsettling," Vision observed, his voice calm but his internal sensors clearly working overtime.
"Unsettling? Vision, this is a party! A very, very trippy party!" Adam declared, trying to sound enthusiastic, but even he felt a prickle of unease. A rock formation nearby suddenly stretched, elongated, and then folded in on itself like origami.
Wanda, her hands glowing faintly, looked around, her eyes wide. "The reality here… it is broken. It feels… alive."
As they navigated the shifting landscape, the Reality Stone's influence became more pronounced. A discarded piece of alien debris suddenly sprouted tiny legs and scuttled away, emitting a high-pitched giggle. A patch of ground turned into a swirling vortex of rainbow colors, then solidified into a perfectly normal, yet utterly out-of-place, suburban lawn gnome.
Adam found his own powers reacting strangely. He tried to use Go-Away Green to clear a path, but instead of a swamp, the ground turned into a field of brightly colored, sentient lollipops that began to sing a barbershop quartet.
"My powers are… improvising!" Adam exclaimed, bewildered. "I wanted mud, I got candy that sings! This is both amazing and deeply unhelpful!"
P.A.N.D.O.R.A.'s voice chirped from his pocket. "My current operator's abilities appear to be undergoing spontaneous reinterpretation by local reality. Probability of logical consistency: 0.00%. Probability of acquiring a new, highly bizarre skill: 89.2%."
Suddenly, a sandwich Adam had conjured from Newt's Suitcase for a quick snack, a perfectly normal turkey and Swiss, began to twitch. Two small, breadstick-like arms sprouted from its sides. Its crusty top formed a rudimentary mouth.
"Greetings, fleshy one!" the sandwich squeaked, its voice surprisingly deep for a lunch item. "Have you considered extending your warranty on your personal reality? Our comprehensive plan covers spontaneous combustion, existential dread, and unexpected temporal displacement! Only 29.99 galactic credits a month!"
Adam stared at his sentient sandwich, utterly dumbfounded. "My lunch just tried to sell me insurance! This is the weirdest planet ever!"
Vision, ever logical, analyzed the situation. "The Reality Stone's influence appears to be amplifying latent psionic energies, causing localized sentience in inanimate objects. Fascinating."
Wanda, however, was struggling. The chaotic reality warps were overwhelming her, making her own powers unpredictable. She stumbled, a wave of uncontrolled red energy rippling outwards, causing a nearby rock to morph into a screaming, multi-eyed monstrosity.
"Wanda!" Adam yelled. He pulled out his Universal Remote. He aimed it at the screaming rock. He pressed "Rewind." The rock rapidly de-morphed, shrinking back into its original, inanimate form. He then pressed "Pause" on a section of the ground that was rapidly turning into quicksand, freezing it solid.
"My remote! It works!" Adam cheered. "The ultimate reality-bending remote! Take that, sentient sandwiches!"
[ ROBOTIC S.T.I.E.L.S. MESSAGE: Temporal manipulation effectiveness: 99.9%. Reality distortion mitigation: 87.6%. CEP gained: 250. Current Blood Meter progression: 60.00%. Non-lethal enemy neutralizations: 4. Remaining for upgrade: 1. ]
' Still one more neutralization for the Blood Meter. This planet is too weird for direct combat. Maybe I can make a sentient insurance salesman sandwich fall into a Portable Hole. That would count, right? '
As they moved deeper, they found traces of Thanos's presence – scorch marks, residual energy signatures, and a chilling sense of overwhelming power. The Reality Stone was gone, but its chaotic influence lingered.
They found a small, ancient temple, radiating residual energy. It was clear the Stone had been there recently. As they investigated, a small, glowing orb of light appeared before Adam. It pulsed, then resolved into a shimmering, ancient-looking card.
[ SYSTEM MESSAGE: [Epic Draw] – Awarded for surviving extended exposure to a Reality Stone affected environment. [Epic Item] Universal Translator (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) – A small, highly advanced device that translates all known languages, including obscure alien dialects and even some forms of animal communication. (Recipient: Adam's Inventory). ]
Adam stared at the glowing card. "A Universal Translator! Oh, this is fantastic! No more awkward alien conversations! No more guessing if that growl means 'hello' or 'I'm going to eat your face'! And animal communication?! I can finally talk to Mittens! She's going to have so much to say about my life choices!"
He crushed the card, and the knowledge flowed into him. Suddenly, the chaotic babble of the sentient lollipops outside became perfectly understandable. "We sing of sugar and despair! And the tyranny of sticky fingers!"
Vision, ever observant, noticed the new card. "Another… spontaneous acquisition, Adam?"
"Just the universe providing, Vision," Adam grinned. "Now, if only it would provide a decent cup of coffee that doesn't try to sell me insurance."
The mission was a success in terms of intel, but the Reality Stone was gone. Thanos was one step closer. Adam, however, had gained a powerful new tool, and a renewed appreciation for the mundane sanity of Earth. Even if his lunch now occasionally tried to sell him a life insurance policy.
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