Somewhere above the dungeon — not far from the entrance tunnel, just past a crooked tree stump that looked suspiciously like someone's butt — two boys sat crouched behind a bush.
They were whispering.
Loudly.
"Bro, I'm telling you. She's been in there for like five minutes. That's, like, a long time in dungeon math."
"What even is dungeon math, Harko?"
"I dunno, like… like one minute equals potential death per square moss tile or some crap."
The taller of the two, Harko, had the confident posture of a guy who'd definitely failed all his magic theory classes but still gave advice like he invented mana. He was built like a broomstick with delusions of knighthood.
Next to him, crouched the slightly chunkier and vastly more nervous Jasper — a self-proclaimed rogue who had never successfully backstabbed anything except a salad during lunch break.
"You think she's okay? I mean… she's kinda scary, but like, not die-to-slime scary."
"Bruh, she's not dead. She's literally built different. Remember last week? She beat up that drunk guy in town with a spoon. A spoon, Jasper. You know she grew up on the edge of the lower wards, right? Family of six, dad bailed early, mom got sick. Her brother practically raised her. That scarf she always wore — it wasn't just a fashion thing, it was his. Said she'd wear it until she could afford to buy him a better life. She was obsessed with reaching D-rank so she could enter the mid-tier dungeons legally. Said she'd retire at C-rank and open a bookstore. Like anyone cared. She just never shut up about it when she was drinking. And—like—she always wore that dumb scarf, right? Said it used to belong to her brother. That she was going to earn enough from dungeons to buy him a house in the capital. Blah blah tragic. Not like she told anyone unless she was drunk or yelling."
"Yeah but that guy was already half unconscious—"
"—and also forty. Exactly. Peak danger range."
They fell silent again.
Jasper fiddled with the hem of his cheap leather gloves. "Y'know, I only joined this guild 'cause my cousin said we get free food."
"Same. And look at us now. Guerrilla tactics in the dirt. We're basically elite."
Jasper looked like he was seriously rethinking every life choice.
Finally, Harko stood up and dusted off his not-quite-clean armor. "Alright. I'm going in. We've waited long enough. If she's fine, I'll yell. If not, avenge me by telling people I was cool."
"You won't be."
"Wow, okay. Hurtful."
---
Inside the Dungeon...
Ethan was still laughing.
He hadn't even asked her name. Didn't know she had a little brother or any of that sad scarf story. But now that her body was twitching facedown in his slime trap, it felt... I dunno. Weird. Like stepping on someone's dream without realizing it.
He blinked. Then shrugged.
"...Still not my fault she sprinted in here with the aggression level of a caffeinated goat."
Then he laughed again.
He hadn't even asked her name. He didn't even know she had a brother, or that scarf meant anything. And for a second, that actually stung a little.
Then he remembered how she literally sprinted in and tried to stab a slime with zero scouting.
So. Yeah. Not his fault.
Still… awkward.
Not, like, full villain cackling — more like that wheezy, confused giggle you do when someone trips over nothing and faceplants a doorknob.
"Dude. She just yeeted herself into a wall. I didn't even touch her. Goop barely wobbled. That's gotta be a record."
Goop was currently snuggled up against her boot, vibrating happily like a microwave set to smug.
"Hey, System," Ethan called out mentally. "Do I get a bonus for psychological damage?"
---
[No.]
"Rude."
Then—
Footsteps.
Two pairs. Slower this time.
"You sure this is safe, bro?" a voice called out. "I feel like... this place smells like... violence."
"It's a dungeon, Jasper. It's supposed to smell like violence. Shut up."
Ethan stiffened. "Oh god. There's more. Of course there's more."
He peeked through his mana-sense, watching the two newcomers approach.
One was tall and clumsy. The other was short and twitchy. Both had the brain cells of wet napkins.
"Alright, Ethan," he whispered to himself. "Time to act like you have a plan. Even if you absolutely do not."
Goop jiggled, as if to say, We do not have a plan.
"Thanks, Goop."
He checked his status.
---
[Core Status – Ethan]
Rank: -F
Level: 2 (20 / 100 EXP)
Mana: 12 / 20
Mana Regen: 0.3/sec
Trap Slots: 2
Rooms: 2 / 2
Monster Capacity: 1 / 1
---
Ethan sighed. "I've got mana. I've got traps. I've got Goop. What I don't have is sanity."
The boys finally stepped into Sticky Hall.
Harko, the taller one, spotted the body immediately.
"Oh. Bruh."
Jasper froze. "That's… that's her. That's Elza. Is she... napping?"
Goop squeaked.
Then launched.
"AAAAAA—"
---
[Sticky Hug Activated.]
[Trap: Sticky Slab Engaged.]
[Target Slowed.]
[Target Immobilized.]
[Target... Screaming.]
---
Ethan watched the comedy unfold with a grimace. "Honestly… they walked right into it. Again. At some point, it's just natural selection."
Jasper was trying to fight Goop off with a butter knife. Harko had stepped backward, only to immediately trip on the mossy floor and land flat on his ass.
"Help! Why is it hugging me with malice?!"
"Bro, just hit it!"
"I CAN'T! It's too SLIMY!"
Goop leveled up mid-hug.
---
[Goop – Level 4!]
New Skill Unlocked: [Double Squish] – Slams target with double mass, briefly stuns.
Bond Level: 4 (Goopy Gremlin)
Emotion: Victorious. Demanding Snacks.
---
Goop smacked Jasper square in the face.
Ethan winced. "That's gonna bruise. And dissolve. And bruise again."
After a few seconds of very wet slapping, both boys were down.
---
[Intruders Defeated!]
[EXP: +35 | Mana Absorbed: +18]
[Core EXP: 55 / 100]
Ethan let out the longest sigh of his afterlife.
"Three adventurers. One trap. One slime. Zero survivors."
He paused.
"...Alright, I am kinda cracked."
Goop burbled happily.
---
A/N: Sticky Hall – 3, Adventurers – 0
Let's review:
Enemy Ranks Recap:
Elza: E-Rank Adventurer. Strong for her level, reckless beyond repair.
Jasper: F-Rank. Claimed to be a rogue. Couldn't even stealth past Goop.
Harko: F-Rank. Failed Knight School. Believes Dungeon Math is real.
Death Recap:
Elza: Yeeted herself into a wall. Died like a Disney extra. Wore a scarf for her brother. Oof.
Jasper: Tried to knife Goop. Got hugged to death.
Harko: Tripped on moss. Died like a background extra with loud opinions.
---
**A/N: Knowledge Class, Chap 1 — What the hell is Dungeon Math?
---
Q: What even IS Dungeon Math?
A: Dungeon Math is a fake adventurer science. Basically, it's a collection of made-up formulas, guesses, and hunches wrapped up in fake authority. It's what people say when they want to sound smart in a dungeon without knowing anything.
Q: Who created Dungeon Math?
A: Legend says it started with a guy named Gregory the Not-So-Great, an E-rank adventurer who once survived a dungeon purely by tripping into the exit portal. He claimed he "calculated the danger using torch flicker velocity" — and other dumb adventurers just started nodding like he was a genius.
Q: Why do people still use it?
A: Because real dungeon education is expensive, and everyone wants to sound like they know what they're doing. It's the magical equivalent of yelling, "Trust me, bro," during a math test you didn't study for.
Q: Is any of it actually true?
A: Not really. But if you say it with confidence and use weird numbers, people will believe you. Example: "Three seconds of silence per square tile equals one hidden trap every third blink." Makes zero sense. Sounds big-brain.
Q: Does Harko believe in it?
A: Bruh, Harko lives by it. Man failed real classes but thinks he's a Dungeon Mathematician™ just because he once survived a slime encounter with a twisted ankle.
---
End of Knowledge Class, Chap 1.
(Next time: "Guild Politics for Dummies" or "Why That Chest is Definitely a Mimic.")
---
Dungeon layout's still the same:
[Entrance Tunnel]
↓
[Room 2 – Sticky Hall™️] ← Now features bruised corpses
↓
[Room 1 – Core Room] ← Ethan's Rage Cave
Ethan's a level 2 core. Goop is now level 4. Everyone else is dead.
Next chapter? Expansion. Maybe a trap chest. Maybe a fake treasure. Maybe Harko's ghost returns to do more fake math.
Who knows.
Maybe a treasure room. Maybe a mimic. Maybe a sign that says: "Please scream quietly."
Who knows. Bring snacks.