The silence is so thick and heavy that Katara could take her new knife and cut chunks of it out of the air.
She is quiet when she rolls up her blanket and packs it all inside the backpack. Zuko takes it from her - not even looking away from the bag in her hands - and cleans up his own area.
Her hands don't know what to do. Her eyes don't know where to look.
He's finished and she immediately starts walking away after he puts out what little fire embers remain burning in the ash pit.
She's stronger than she was yesterday. Being under the moon the entire night helped ease her out of the weakness from before. Tonight, she will be even stronger.
It's been fourteen days since she's last seen her brother and father. Fourteen days since Zhao managed to capture her. Thirteen since Zuko took her in. Five days since she fought Zhao.
Two weeks. So much has happened in these past two weeks that she can barely comprehend it all.
She doesn't know if she can last any longer than that. Not with the firebender. Things are already too complicated and they've been doing nothing but fighting.
That, and she's nervous - she's nervous because it's been two weeks since she's been away from everyone. Two weeks since she last knew anything about anyone. Now she doesn't know how her father is, her brother and his girlfriend, the state of the current alliance with the Kyoshi Warriors, how Sangok is holding up now that he has a ship on his own. What about Aang? Is he - has he gotten better?
The boy wasn't as strong as he had been when she last saw him about a month ago. Rumors were that the weight of his people's genocide was catching up to him after he visited the ruins of the Southern Tribes.
Had he found the other Air Nomads? Or were the really all wiped out?
Has the Fire Nation crossed into the Northern Tribe? Is there still a Water Tribe?
What did the world look like? How had it changed since she came into this jungle?
They're still close to the river. She feels the tug pull at her and she starts to veer them towards it. What she needs right now is her water. Her element. He has his sun but she didn't get to relish in her moon last night.
Plus they both need a bath. She didn't mean to buy the soap in the village for them to not use it.
The water quickly comes into view and Katara already has her boots off before Zuko can even set the pack down. Without a word, she rummages through it and grabs the bar of soap.
She walks to the edge of the water. It laps against her ankles while she strips off her leggings and tunic, leaving them close to the riverside so that she can easily grab them when she's finished. Standing in her bindings, she pulls her hair out of the braid and quickly immerses herself in the water up to her shoulders.
It's colder than she remembers. They must be heading further North where the mountains are. Those will be tricky - but she thinks she knows of a mountain pass that will help them out when they get to it. She's not too worried.
Katara turns her back from the firebender who is undressing on the grass. She soothes the soap over her skin, taking off the bindings and tossing them over a rock nearby.
She feels cleaner and better than before. Refreshed.
Katara looks over her shoulder at the firebender. "Your turn." She says - the first words that either one of them has said this morning - and tosses the bar at him.
He catches it easily. She quickly turns away again.
She washes out her clothes and bends the water out before letting them hang over the rock so that the sun will warm them.
She's all clean now. Her body, hair and clothes. It's the first time in a long time and it makes her smile because it just feels so good.
Pulling on her bindings and re-wrapping the top, she climbs out of the water and collapses on the ground with her legs still in the mud and the water lapping at her waist.
Relax.
When he tugs his wet clothes back on, she flicks her wrist and dumps the water that made his clothes heavy back into the water.
Zuko looks as startled as the first time she had done it. "Thanks," he mumbles, looking away awkwardly.
It's the first thing he has said since the sun came up.
She gives him a weak nod in return. Still splayed out on the grass, she lets her hand drift back down by her side and closes her eyes. They should start moving, but the sun feels good on her face for the first time.
"We should get going." The firebender says. She opens her eyes. Hearing him speak is...surprising. Especially considering the silence of the morning.
He's already standing and the backpack is secure around his shoulders. Reluctantly, Katara pushes herself up. She pulls on her boots before she starts following him back into the forest.
She soon overtakes him, leading the way while being guided by the water. Maybe they should travel to Kyoshi island instead. Ba Sing Se is a long way away… and things are already starting to become more than difficult…
The sun rises higher in the sky and falls again. Darkness overtakes the forest they're walking in and Katara finally pulls to a stop. It's no use walking in the dark when she can't see anything in front of her.
She collapses down on the ground, legs splayed out with her palms buried in the dirt behind her. Her feet were tired from all the walking - her stomach growling from a short, inadequate lunch break earlier.
The firebender drops the backpack beside her but keeps walking towards one of the trees. She hears him snapping twigs off of fallen branches and low limbs. Seems like he's going to start a fire. Should she go get them something to eat?
Standing and walking are not appealing right now.
Zuko makes a frustrated noise that makes her turn to look at him over her shoulder, eyebrow cocked up in curiosity.
"These sticks are wet. They won't burn right." He's muttering so low that she doesn't know if he's just talking to himself or if he means for her to hear. The sticks are thrown down onto the ground. He looks around the small clearing. "Looks like it rained here."
Katara shifts in the grass. "It's a little wet. Maybe… two hours ago? Give or take."
"Can you bend the water out of the limbs?" He's a bit louder. Clearly, he wants her to hear now.
"I've tried it before. Never works." She shrugs her shoulders. "Can't do everything. Something about the texture of wood makes it difficult. Just wants to suck all the water up and keep it to itself."
"Well." Zuko ambles back over to where she is. He's still standing. She has to look up at him - something she has never liked. Why couldn't he be shorter? "Looks like we won't have any lasting fire tonight."
"Do you want to try going to a village? Get a room or something. Surely there's some - " She breaks off when she sees his face. No, village and tavern rooms are not a good idea at the moment…
She looks away. Something unpleasant weighs at the bottom of her stomach. "Just a suggestion," she mutters quietly. Her hands find a rock in the dirt and she throws it at a tree.
Hearing it hit the trunk doesn't make the pit in her abdomen go away.
Another awkward stretch of silence settles.
"I could, um… try to get some water out… and we could get some leaves… the fire won't last very long but there would be some light…" Katara sort of trails off. Wet wood doesn't burn very well but it's worth a shot.
Better than just sitting here in the tense quiet.
The firebender nods. Katara pushes herself up with a grunt and starts by picking up wood that's already on the ground. She doesn't get much - just enough to form a base and three for a point.
She bends as much water out of them as she can but they're still damp. Zuko takes them and arranges them anyway. His leaves go on next. She bends water out of those as well, dumping it off to the side for now.
The waterbender gets a nice little stack ready and Zuko has a pile of dried leaves waiting. He lowers himself to the ground, arranging the logs and she watches kind of awkwardly because she isn't sure what she should do now.
"I'm going to go...get something to eat...or something." She says, even though she doesn't really have to tell him where she's going because he's not her father or her brother. But for some reason, she just wants him to know.
He gives her a little nod and she turns abruptly, cheeks reddening.
She doesn't hunt. It will take too long to clean it and gut it and all of that and she simply doesn't feel like doing it right now. They will need to before too long. The jerky is almost gone and they finished up the fruit around noon.
They need meat. She's noticed that both of their tunics are fitting a bit looser. It's only been a week and a half since they started out, but with all of the walking and climbing and sweating, they're in desperate need for protein. Soon, she'll have to hunt.
Katara does find some berries and other fruits though. They're nice and red and plump and wet from the rain. She bends the water around it just in case though, cleaning off any dirt that happened to stick to it.
When she gets back to their campsite, Zuko already has the bedrolls out and the blanket spread out on the ground. She dumps their meal on the blanket and grabs a handful of berries before plopping down on the grass.
They eat in silence. It isn't exactly uncomfortable.
He managed to get a low fire burning. Katara is rather impressed even though she'll never let him know that. It's dull, not nearly as bright or hot, and there's a lot more smoke coming off of it than usual but it's a fire and it's enough.
Better than she could do, anyway. If there's one thing that the firebender can do while they're out here it's making fires. She always had trouble making those back at home. And that was even with flint and stones. Zuko has to just waive his hand and poof: fire.
Good. Because otherwise he'd be more of a burden than anything. The fact that he is so useless isn't as annoying as it should be because of his little gift.
The waterbender is about to wipe her hands clean on her breeches when she notices it. Her hands…they're covered in red.
Red.
She stares down at them. Tension tightening her back and rididity settling in her spine. Red - so much red, so much warmth. So much power.
Hands pressing down on her body. Nails scraping her sides. Cold sharpness of steel in her hands.
The gentle heat of blood.
The look in Ji's eyes as she plunged the knife into his chest over. And over. And over. The guttural chokes as his blood filled his throat.
The panic in the other guard's eyes as she strangled him with blood. Ji's blood.
She squeezes her eyes shut and clenches her fist. It - It's not right. A person's death shouldn't have that much power over her - why is she thinking about this now? It's just red - it's just blood - someone who should have died did so why is she thinking about their deaths now?
Katara bends water from a nearby plant and washes the berry juice off. As much of it as she can. When she's done scraping her palms together, her hands are still red. But it's not from the berries. It's from her fervor.
The water slips from her fingers and falls back into the ground. She can't look away from the clean pink of her palms.
Red.
If Zuko notices anything, he doesn't speak. When she manages to look up at him - shoulders still hunched, head tucked down, peering at him from underneath her lashes - he's tossing more dried leaves onto the fire.
No, he hasn't noticed. He doesn't even glance her way.
Her hands are shaking. She clenches them into fists to stop it, pressing them into the covered flesh of her thighs. Zuko may hate her but if he sees that she's getting all worked up he'll ask why. She knows he will. He's just like her - has to know everything. And she doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to talk about anything.
Doesn't want him to know that she's thinking about how she killed Ji and that other soldier. Doesn't want Zuko to see that she's weak. How that night has stayed with her since.
It just doesn't make sense. It's something that should - killing is one of the most natural things a person can do, survival instinct and all - but it doesn't and she isn't sure why.
She's killed people before. But...she's never killed them like that. It's always been with her bending, never with a knife and blood pouring onto her hands and fingers slipping in wounds.
She's rarely ever seen the look in their eyes. Never had the chance to watch the light fade from them until there's nothing but a black, empty hole.
Katara squeezes her eyes closed and snaps her eyes away from the fire. Why does this bother her so much?
Her legs shift and she slides down into her bedroll. She's too tired to set up camp in a tree like she has before. The full moon side-effects are wearing off and she'll be woken up by the sound of a strange heartbeat.
So she closes her eyes and turns her back to the firebender.
Maybe she won't dream of red.
-/-
But she does. Her dreams are nothing but red.
She wakes up. Gasping and flailing in her bedroll as she surges upward with her arm poised for an attack. She swears she felt phantom hands clawing at her body - ripping up her tunic, dragging down her leggings as wounds were scraped open around her hips - and she knows her palm feels cooler than it should.
Her chest is heaving. Eyes adjusting, jaw dropped with a poised scream ready to tear out, she pants from exhaustion and terror with her hand still in the air, knife prepared to plunge into her attacker's heart.
But there is no knife. There is no attacker. There are no hands holding her down. There is no fire but the embers at her side.
Body trembling, she covers her face with her hands and tries to get a hold of herself. It's not working - her chest is still swelling and her throat is sore despite the fact that she didn't scream.
Oh Spirits. Everything had felt so real - she could have sworn that she was back on that ship in their arms. It felt… She digs her nails into her scalp, knees pulling up to her chest as the blanket falls off of her.
It felt so real. Horrifying.
Her arms encircle her body, wrapping herself up as she tries to hold herself together. She can't cry even though she feels the wetness in her eyes. She can't lose it here even though she's trembling and her bottom lip won't stop it's quiver.
Not here. Not now. Anytime would be fine, but she can't -
Her hands are red.
Fingertips. Her fingertips and hands are stained. Katara snaps her hands up to her face and scrutinizes them in the dark. She can't really see but she knows it's there.
Her hands are slick and they're red.
She's beyond frantic when she tugs water from her waterskin. Hysterical when she scrapes at her hands. Blood - red and slick and smooth and silky on her palms is not welcome. She has to get it off; needs to get it off.
But it's not coming off. She keeps scrubbing but it's not going away. She scrubs harder. It's painful, nails raking across her flesh but she doesn't even wince because she just wants the red to go away. Forever. It has to.
Fat, hot wet tears start rolling down her face. Partly from frustration because it's not going away and partly because her hands are so stained.
She chokes on a gasp when her nails dig too deeply into her skin. Now she's bleeding.
Her blood is mixing with theirs'.
Hands stop grating against each other, mouth dropping open in shock and horror, and she holds her hands up to watch as her blood drips from the open nail tracks of her hands.
It's… She's…
The tug of healing jolts her back and she loses it. Not even she can stop the cry as her hands are stained with more blood.
She yanks the water out of the ground and scrubs. Scrubs. Scrubs even harder than before. Her hands are wet and red and raw and it hurts but she has to do it.
Hot hands grab at her wrist and she starts trying to tug them away when they're forced apart.
"What are you doing?" The firebender asks, voice soft but he sounds… scared. Worried - for her? for himself?
Her reply is a choked, mangled cry. She yanks at her wrists again. He squeezes them a bit tighter.
"What are you trying to do?" He repeats.
Katara forces herself to look at him. He visibly recoils. Are her eyes betraying her that much?
"Blood - there's so much and I need to get it off and I -"
"Waterbender, there isn't any blood."
"Don't call me that! That's not my name! That's what - that's what they called me and it's not my name. Stop - let go of me." She groans as she tries to yank and tug and pull her wrists away from him. But he's not letting go.
"Stop - Stop - K-Katana - Katara - stop moving! Stop, just calm down. There isn't any blood, okay? No one's here. It's just me and you. Stop - Ow - hey, stop that!"
She rakes her nails against his fingers and he hisses.
Katara can't stop him because he moves so fast. One moment, she's sitting up and the next she's on the ground with her wrists by her head, a weight on her stomach.
She starts trying to buck him off because this position as all too familiar but he's not letting go and she can feel the panic wrap around her throat and -
"Stop. I'm not going to hurt you -"
"You have before!" She interrupts. "You have - and - I - "
He swallows. "But I'm not now. I'm - I'm trying to help you. You have to stop trying to take the skin off of your hands. You need to calm down."
"Get off of me!" Katara tries to twist around but he's too heavy on her.
"Not until you calm down. You're going to hurt yourself if you don't."
She lifts her hips again, Zuko shifts back and she's pressed down against the hard dirt again. The waterbender huffs. She flicks her fingers, preparing to force him off of her but he notices the movement and flips her hands down into the dirt. Useless.
"Let me up," she hisses. "I'm calm."
His eyes narrow. "No you're not. Your eyes are still wild." Zuko scrutinizes her for a few moments. She gulps - what was he looking at? Why was he looking at her? "What's wrong with you?"
"Like I would tell you," she scoffs. "Not that there's anything wrong. I just…" A pause. "Get off of me." She bucks her hips again. A futile gesture. If anything, he becomes heavier. A weight shoving her into the dirt and she can't breathe with him so near - with him above her. Grabbing her. Holding her down. It's too much.
"You just…?"
Katara scowls. "It's none of your business. Get off!"
"It is my business when you wake me up crying and bleeding while scraping your hands raw." He pauses. "It's about Ji and Cho, isn't it? Lee said that...that it affected you."
"Like I said, firebender. It isn't your business." She swallows and she knows right then that she made a mistake. Even though she denies it, the affirmation he needs is in her eyes and her tone. Zuko softens just slightly but the hands on her wrist do not.
"Do not carry the weight of the dead on your shoulders. It will do you no good."
"They were your soldiers. Shouldn't you be glad that they haunt me? Shouldn't you hate me? Despise me?"
"When they acted against my orders and the orders of the Fire Lord, they ceased being my soldiers."
"They were still your men. They were under your protection and you - "
The pressure on her wrists lifts and her mouth snaps shut. Zuko sits back, no longer leaning over her but he doesn't stand. His weight is still settled on her hips and the tops of her thighs. She waits. Neither of them moves.
"My men would not have acted so dishonorably."
"So it's only honorable when the Fire Lord does it?" She challenges. "Or when the prisoner in question isn't so important? Your views of honor confuse and disgust me if that's what you think."
The Prince stiffens. "It… can be complicated."
"It shouldn't be. It's wrong and you know it. Just because your father thinks it's okay doesn't mean that you have to accept it."
"That's not -"
"Your kings should be held accountable for the same rules that they use to govern others. The only thing different from your Fire Lord and Ji is that one wears a crown while the other does not. Yet you judge them differently for the same crime."
"There is more that separates a ruler from his people than just a crown."
She scoffs. "That's what you think."
"It's what I know."
"They're both men. They can be killed just as easily. It's not as if the Fire Lord is protected by the Spirits. He is a man, just like Ji, just like you, and just like the people he oppresses and rules."
"My father is not an oppressor."
"After the short time we've known each other, you still hold on to that belief?" She quirks an eyebrow. "Even after meeting Haru, talking about how he favors your sister, Lu Ten's banishment, their attacks, your -"
"He is not an oppressor. He is the Fire Lord." His jaw tightens.
"So that's his excuse for everything, then? Justifies the way he treats people?"
"You wouldn't understand." The firebender snarls.
"Then make me. Make me understand. Because your twisted views are making my head spin."
How they went from talking about her nightmare to talking about the Fire Lord is lost on her. But Katara seizes any and every moment to tear him down - and she has a feeling that this could be one. Just like it was before he knocked her out earlier. Maybe this time there will be less violence…
She likes this topic better - because they're not talking about her or the red and he's not scrutinizing her in that way that makes something in her spine tingle.
Yes, talking about him and his problems is a lot better than hers. She prefers it this way.
She tilts her chin up as defiantly as she can. The fact that he is still straddling her isn't lost. But it doesn't affect her because she hates him. At least, that's what she keeps telling herself.
"I don't have to explain anything to you", he growls, deep and low in his throat like an animal and for a moment Katara's eyes widen. That sound - while not necessarily strange because her newfound goal for the past few days has been to piss him off as much as possible and it has worked - still makes her spine quiver.
Maybe it was just from the cold. Yes, it was most certainly from the cold.
Katara reclaims control over herself and narrows her eyes. "Isn't that what you've been trying to do all along? Explain so I can understand?"
"I'm not...that's not - no, that's not what I've been doing."
But the way he trails off lets her know that he now realizes that that's exactly what he's been trying to do. Something in his eyes falls for a split second and she sees confusion in them before he replaces it with the customary hardness.
"Not so sure, firebender?"
He scowls. "Stop calling me that. If I have to call you by your name then you have to call me by mine."
A beat. Another. Katara swallows, thick and painful. Had she made him call her by her name? She can't really remember…
Oh but she does. She recalls it now - he even called her the wrong one at first before correcting himself - and she flushes because she didn't really mean it. Well, she did but now she doesn't and not saying each other's names just makes everything more simple.
Names complicate things. She can refer to him by his in her mind but not out loud. It's like… acknowledging he's more than a firebender out loud.
Katara doesn't know if she can do that.
So she settles for a scowl that rivals the one that is still twists his face unpleasantly. "I'm not going to call you Prince."
"You have before."
"Ironically. Not… intentionally. You are not and never will be my Prince."
Zuko leans a bit closer. Is he still sitting on her? She had forgotten. "If I had to call you - you Water Tribe peasant - by your name then you have to call me by mine. That's the deal."
"I'm not a peasant," Katara snaps. Why hasn't she pushed him off yet? "And no deal. I'm not going to call you by your name. I changed my mind. Keep calling me waterbender for all I care." Because she doesn't. She doesn't care any more.
Deep down though, she does. In her dreams - nightmares - Ji would say it with as much vile and repulsiveness as any person could muster. It isn't right or fair and she shouldn't be tormented by that but now that Zuko says it, she can't help but hate it.
Words shouldn't have so much power. But they do.
Zuko finally shifts. He's up and crawling back off of her and Katara takes a moment to breathe before she follows his example. He sits, long legs folded underneath him not too far away - if she wanted to touch him, she could just reach out not that she would ever want to but still.
Katara puts her hands in the dirt to support herself and stares at him. He stares right back. They're both waiting, and Katara knows that he wants her to speak first.
"Fine." She says and huffs. "I...I guess we have to call each other by our names."
"Okay, Katara."
Her spine stiffens. She doesn't think she will ever get used to it. "Fine, Zuko."
He tenses. Looks like she won't be the only one.
But even though this was somewhat her idea, he's the one that pushed it so really he should be the one that is bothered by it the most. Or at least, he better be.
"I still expect an answer," she snaps because she wants to make sure he knows that she isn't getting comfortable in this. Just because they now have to say each other's names doesn't mean anything.
His eyes narrow. "And I still expect mine." He's trying to prove it to her, too.
This power struggle is tiresome. She wonders who will win in the end. Katara has ever intentions of being that winner but the firebender - he's proving to be a worthy adversary, she admits reluctantly.
But it doesn't matter. She has no choice but to win and so that's the only option. She will win.
She hates Zuko.
Katara hates Zuko so much.
-/-
She doesn't go back to sleep. Zuko does. She's never noticed before - because she is normally already asleep when he is - but the firebender Prince actually snores a little.
It isn't atrociously loud. Not like Sokka or her father. It's faint, but she can still hear it from where he sleeps across the ashes from their fire earlier.
The only bad thing about his snoring is - she's used to it so it doesn't bother bother her - is that it...makes her think about her brother and father. The only real family she has left. Even though she's Southern Water Tribe and they are so few in number that everyone is her family, those two are the only blood-kin she has.
Katara pulls her knees up to her chest to stop it from shaking. She wraps her hands around her legs to keep them from trembling.
She really misses them. She really does.
She's been apart from them for longer than these two weeks. Her father, she rarely sees him more than a few days at a time several months in between. Sokka she sees more, but now that he's assumed more responsibilities within their little rebellion, he's been around less and less.
Still. She still misses them. And it makes her heart hang heavy in her chest and her throat to tighten up like she's going to start crying again any second.
Maybe it's because these past two weeks have brought her so much pain and she's never had to strategize like she has to now.
Maybe it's because she hasn't gotten a real hug - or any signs of tenderness - in these two weeks.
On her ship, she had Hama and Pakku - while Pakku was never the most kind of people, he did feel some kind of affection towards her and Hama always had the nicest, warmest hugs with the exception of Gran-Gran - and there was also Sangok.
She still won whenever they sparred. But he had gotten over feeling embarrassed about it and his hugs were always nice. Even if he was a little scrawny.
And Aang. Aang's hugs were always enthusiastic.
Katara shifts around on top of the bedroll and rests her forehead on top of her knees. She shouldn't be so soft. Allowing herself to think about the people that she misses isn't going to do her any good.
Sokka would pat her on the back but tell her that there are more important things to think about. Pakku would tell her to stop being so pathetic but his eyes wouldn't match his words. Hama would stroke her hair. Sangok would smile at her. Aang would suffocate her with the biggest hug he could muster.
Her father would look uncomfortable for a little bit because she should probably go to her mother for things like that but then he would sweep her up and just hold her like she wanted to be held.
It hurts, missing them. It hurts. Deep and heavy in her chest.
Her place isn't here in this forest with the firebender. Her place is with them, on Sangok's and her's and Pakku's ship fighting against the fire raiders. The ship she was on stayed close up North to protect the Tribe - they were on a supply expedition when Zhao attacked them - and she wasn't in the thick of action even though she wanted to be but still.
She's not doing anything right here. And that hurts almost as much as missing her family does. Almost.
Katara needs to get out of here. Get out of this forest. Get Zuko out of her hair because now they're calling each other by names and that's dangerous.
She wants her family. She wants her crew. She wants her usefulness back.
She wants her life.
And she wants it back now. She can't have it though - not yet. Because she's stuck in the middle of damned forest with a firebender who she hates.
He snores again, a bit louder this time and she chuckles because it's just so weird that he does that.
Then she stops laughing. She hates Zuko. She has to keep remembering that. Otherwise, name-calling won't be the only thing she has to worry about.
But the fact that she has to keep reminding herself that she hates him...it doesn't exactly ease the twisting in her stomach.