Being Queen of Hell, Lila quickly discovered, came with many responsibilities.
Most of them were dumb.
She was expected to name volcanoes. Inspect screaming soul inventories. And this morning? Host an "Infernal Breakfast Banquet" with seven demon nobles who literally drooled lava.
"Why is the toast crying?" she whispered to Kael.
He leaned over. "That's Painbread. It absorbs sadness for extra flavor."
"And the juice?"
"Squeezed from the souls of mildly annoying people."
Lila blinked. "So… like, people who chew loudly?"
"Exactly. You'd love it."
She took a tentative sip. It tasted like righteous revenge and bubblegum.
Across the table, a three-eyed duke with tentacles for eyebrows raised a toast. "To our queen—may her reign be long and confusing!"
"Hear, hear!" shouted a goat-demon in a tiara.
Kael took her hand and kissed her knuckles. "They're warming up to you."
"Is that because of the flaming cupcakes I approved yesterday?"
"They screamed delightfully."
"I thought they were just... spicy."
He smirked. "You're natural at this."
Lila rolled her eyes, but couldn't hide the smile tugging at her lips. It was ridiculous. This whole realm was insane.
And somehow, it suited her.
Until the letter arrived.
A raven crashed through the window in a shower of sparks and fury, squawking "INCOMING EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!" before exploding into glitter.
On the table landed a scroll, black and glossy with elegant, threatening handwriting.
Kael's smile froze the second he saw it.
"Oh no," he said flatly.
Lila raised an eyebrow. "That bad?"
"It's from my ex."
"Your ex… girlfriend?"
Kael hesitated. "Fiancée. It was arranged. For political purposes."
"Oh fun. I love surprise backstories involving homicidal exes."
He unrolled the scroll, eyes scanning rapidly. "She's coming for tea. Today. She wants to 'meet the human.'"
"Oh no," Lila echoed him mockingly. "Do I need to put on my battle pajamas?"
Kael sighed. "She's… complicated. And powerful. And occasionally explodes people when she's mad."
"So she's you, but hotter?"
Kael glared. "I resent that."
"You're just mad because you know it's true."
He leaned in. "Do not provoke her, Lila. She once turned a rival into a singing sponge."
"I'm scared. But also weirdly impressed."
"I mean it. Just… be civil. Charming. Mysterious."
"So... be myself, but terrifying."
"Exactly."
"Cool. I'll wear eyeliner."An hour later, Lila was standing in the Grand Receiving Hall of the Black Castle, which had been redecorated in full diplomatic disaster mode.
The carpets were glowing.
The chandeliers were hissing.
And Kael looked like he wanted to die. Again.
"She's going to cause a scene," he muttered, pacing like a fireproof lion. "Last time she visited, three goblins resigned, and one fell in love with a chair."
"Sounds like a party," Lila said, adjusting the eyeliner she drew on with a cursed wand. "Do I look terrifying enough?"
"You look like a vengeful fashion goddess."
"Perfect."
Then came the trumpet sound—if trumpets could cry in Latin.
The gates flew open.
And *she* entered.
Lady Vexaria. Seven feet tall. Gl