Chapter 1: The Wedding I Didn't RSVP For
Lila woke up with a splitting headache, a dry mouth, and something heavy on her finger.
A ring.
A very fancy, very infernal-looking ring.
It glowed red. It pulsed. It might have growled at her.
She blinked and sat up—only to realize she wasn't on her lumpy spring mattress back home. She was lying on what appeared to be a massive bed carved from obsidian and... was that a headboard made of bones?
Her pillow whimpered.
Actually whimpered.
"Oh, HELL no."
She shot up and fell off the bed with a loud thud, landing on cold black marble. She rubbed her elbow and looked around. The room was huge, dramatic, and very gothic. Torches lined the walls, flames flickering blue. Giant tapestries showed creatures being sacrificed to floating eyeballs. And sitting on a throne of literal fire... was a man.
Well. "Man."
He had horns, crimson eyes, and hair blacker than her student loan debt. A long, red cape billowed around him even though there was no wind. His jaw was sharp enough to slice bread, and his smirk could get a girl arrested in twelve kingdoms.
"Ah," he said, his voice deep and smooth like melted chocolate, if melted chocolate wanted to devour your soul. "My bride awakens."
Pause.
"...I'm sorry, your what now?"
"My bride," he repeated, as if it were obvious. They cleared the Grand Hall in under two minutes. The lava rug retracted. The soul chandelier dimmed. A single spotlight from a screaming skull lit the obsidian floor as a makeshift catwalk rose from the ground.
The demons, naturally, went wild.
"HELL'S FASHION BATTLE!!" shouted an announcer from the shadows. "IN THIS CORNER: THE QUEEN OF FLAME, THE LADY OF LAVA, THE DEMONESS WHO INVENTED BACKSTABBING—LADY VEXARIA!"
Vexaria strutted forward, horns gleaming, shadows wrapping around her like jealous lovers. Her gown was a mix of flame, fog, and blood-colored silk. With a flick of her fingers, her heels turned into dragons. Miniature. But dragons.
"And in the other corner—THE MORTAL MESS, THE PAJAMA PRINCESS, THE CHAOTIC ICON WHO ACCIDENTALLY MARRIED INTO HELL—LILAAAAA OF EARTH!"
Lila took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and stormed the runway.
She was still in her duck-print pajamas. But now she wore a crown made of toast. Literal toast. Enchanted. Glowing softly. She added a cape made of Kael's unused laundry and smeared her eyeliner until she looked like a chaotic raccoon who lived for vengeance and bubble tea.
The crowd gasped.
"She's channeling *feral midnight breakdown*, my liege," whispered one fashion demon. "It's... revolutionary."
Kael, watching from the sidelines, buried his face in his hands. "Why do I find that hot."
The battle began.
***
Round One: **Intimidation Pose**
Vexaria did a graceful backflip, landing in a ballet stance with her claws spread like velvet daggers. The crowd swooned.
Lila shrugged, then did something insane.
She moonwalked. Badly. On lava. Then dabbed.
The demons stared.
Then cheered. "HUMAN MAGIC!" someone screamed.
Round Two: **Insult Duel**
Vexaria narrowed her eyes. "You're nothing but a cosmic accident in pajamas."
Lila smiled. "Better a cosmic accident than Kael's Plan B."
Vexaria hissed.
"Your eyeliner's uneven," Lila added sweetly.
Gasps echoed through the chamber.
Round Three: **Final Walk**
Vexaria summoned a storm of fireflies made of glass and glided down the runway like sin incarnate. She paused at the end, snapped her fingers, and conjured a thunderclap.
Lila? Lila climbed onto the stage, cracked her back dramatically, and proceeded to shuffle across the catwalk with a shopping cart she summoned from nowhere. It contained a single cursed duck plushie and a sign that read:
"QUEEN BY ACCIDENT, ICON BY CHOICE."
The crowd lost their collective minds.
Demons fainted.
Succubi screamed.
One imp proposed marriage.
The announcer exploded.
Kael actually started clapping. "Oh no. I love her."
***
After the chaos settled (with minor fires and one lava incident), Vexaria and Lila stood face to face.
"You are... absurd," Vexaria said.
Lila smiled. "That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week."
"I should hate you."
"Please do. It's part of my charm."
Vexaria sighed. "You're impossible."
"And yet, here I am. Married to your ex."
Vexaria glared at Kael. "Why her?"
Kael shrugged helplessly. "Fate. Sleepwalking. Socks with frogs."
"She's a mess."
"She's my mess."
Vexaria muttered something in Infernal, flipped her hair, and vanished in a puff of glitter and bitterness.
***
Later that night, Lila sat on the balcony, feet dangling over a pit of friendly screaming souls, sipping molten cocoa that growled when stirred.
Kael joined her, silent for once.
She glanced at him. "Still mad I won?"
"I'm terrified of you," he said honestly.
"Good."
They sat in silence for a while.
Finally, Kael cleared his throat. "There's... something I haven't told you."
"Oh no. Is this the part where you say I'm secretly a hell princess?"
"No. But close."
He turned toward her, face serious.
"The ring you wear—it wasn't just a wedding band. It's a seal. A powerful one."
"Seal like... magic?"
He nodded. "It binds your soul to this realm, yes. But also... it protects you. From *him*."
She frowned. "Who's *him*?"
Kael hesitated. "My father."
"Your dad? What's he gonna do, ground you?"
"He's the King of Hell. The real one. I'm just a prince. My wedding to you wasn't just a prophecy—it was a rebellion."
Lila's mug stopped growling.
Kael continued, "He's ancient. Cold. Cruel. He believes in order and terror. When I married you, I broke the order. I gave power to someone unpredictable. Human."
Lila let that sink in.
"So... I'm not just your wife. I'm your chaos weapon."
Kael looked ashamed. "I never wanted to use you like that."
She looked at the ring. Then at him.
"Too late. I'm already in duck pajamas and political war. Might as well ride it out."
Kael blinked. Then laughed.
"You're insane."
"I married you, didn't I?"
He grinned. "Come inside. I'll show you the Hall of Screaming Contracts."
"Sounds romantic."
"It's got snacks."
"I love this stupid place."