Chapter 190: Crying
"Emilia, if you want to realize your wish, the pressure you are bearing now isn't that heavy. When you become the king, the obstacles you will face will be countless. You will face the malice and misunderstanding of many people. The pressure you will bear then will be ten times, even a hundred times what you feel now.
So, Emilia, you must remember how you feel now, and then overcome it."
Saying this, Subaru Natsuki lowered his hand, took a deep breath, and continued:
"Also… I apologize. I'm sorry for saying such harsh things yesterday. But now I've realized my mistake. Could you forgive me?"
Emilia remained silent, her heart filled with guilt and inferiority.
"Subaru… actually, I'm not the kind of person you think I am…"
"Hm?" Subaru paused at this, trying to sit up, only to find that the hands holding his head were pressing down firmly. Although this slight strength wasn't enough to prevent him from sitting up, he obediently stayed lying down, unable even to raise his head.
Now, Emilia was resisting seeing him, in her current state. Realizing this, Subaru let out a sigh.
"Why do you say that…"
Faced with Subaru's question, Emilia bit her lip, and her once straight posture slumped forward.
"Actually, the reason I'm participating in the royal selection isn't what you think…"
"Not what I think? Then what is it?"
Subaru suddenly raised his voice, making Emilia's body tremble slightly. The hands supporting his head pressed down even harder.
"So the things I said during the royal selection weren't true! The reason I participate is selfish! It's only for myself! Why can't anyone understand, why can't anyone understand what kind of person I really am? Why did you say those things to me… why… why apologize, Subaru? You're right. A woman like me is a redundant existence."
"You're really annoying." Subaru's voice interrupted Emilia's words. This time, he clearly felt the hands on his head trembling.
"Maybe what you said is true, but… I still won't believe it's true. It's strange—though you say it yourself, I deny the truth of what you said."
With a wry smile, Subaru sighed and continued:
"Maybe I don't fully understand your past, Emilia, and maybe I don't fully understand what kind of person you really are. But I believe in you. I have expectations for you. I believed in the
kindness you showed when we first met, when you were willing to argue with Puck to help us. I expected the lies you told to become the truth. Last time, you asked me why I helped you.
The answer is simple.
It's just that, Emilia, you placed yourself too low. We are friends, and you are also my savior. That's why I help you. Ah, please, never say that what you did is nothing compared to what I did. If you say that, I would really be angry! Everything I do is not only for you all but also for my own dream. I have a dear friend; all that you see in me now exists because of him. That's why I am here, and why I am this person.
I want to become someone like him. So even if the person facing difficulties isn't you, but someone I don't know at all, as long as I think they should be helped, I will go help them. I cannot fully become my dear friend, but I can become more like him. Maybe others won't understand this admiration, but that doesn't matter. No matter what others say, I will continue to advance in the direction he is in.
I'm grateful that you worry about me, but if I were to get hurt alone and make you all suffer, I would regret it. Because then I wouldn't be able to achieve the dream of everyone returning home smiling."
Expressing his inner monologue, Subaru sat up firmly this time, turning to face Emilia, who kept her head down in silence.
"Lift your head, Emilia."
At Subaru's gentle call, Emilia raised her head to look at him, and then saw Subaru extend his hand and tap her on the head.
"This is your punishment. Listen, Emilia. The lies you believe—are they really just lies? Aren't they a kind of hope in your heart? If they weren't, you could have told another lie entirely."
"…"
"Emilia, actually, I can participate in the trial too—and I already passed it."
"Eh?"
"But there are still two more stages of the trial. I won't adjust the trial anymore, because I want you to pass it. I want you to say goodbye to your past self and face the lies you mentioned head-on.
So help me. Help me so everyone can go back and reunite with their families."
"What you say… I don't understand…"
"It's okay if you don't. Just think of it as me saying these things so you can understand me better."
"I can't do it…"
"You can. Emilia, you are a strong and kind person. Maybe Puck protected you well, but your strength hasn't disappeared; it's just hidden inside."
Subaru smiled brightly and gave a thumbs-up.
"I believe in the Emilia I know, the one who helped me the first time we met. So please help me."
"You could do everything on your own. You don't need me at all."
"But my dream isn't to become king~ I want to become like my dear friend, and then return home. So I can't do it alone. Your so-called lie can only be realized by you."
Subaru looked at Emilia, tears in her eyes, hands clasped together, hearing her voice full of confusion and fear:
"Can I do it?"
In response, Subaru stood up, grabbed her fists with his hands, and lifted her up.
"You can do it! Just like I once did!"
Emilia felt the warmth of his hands, the reassurance he brought. He was like a flickering oil lamp, stubbornly illuminating the darkness ahead.
"I… I can help you?"
"That depends on whether you have true determination. But I believe you can help me, and help this country."
"Really…"
Watching Emilia bow her head, Subaru was about to say more when she suddenly stepped forward and rested her head on him.
"Subaru… can I cry for a little while, just a little…"
"Mm, no problem. A man's chest and shoulders exist for this very moment."
Then, low sobs followed.
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