As much as I want to breathe with happiness, my heart is just too broken to heal up on its own. I need his help, but I just can't put this burden on him. I don't want to be amurderer of his happiness. I don't want to show him my hurtful thoughts or how much I am in pain because I don't want to lose that smile of his.
I want to tell him everything in my mind. But I am terrified of him finding this little girl in me who has been trapped within a cage for years. What if he leaves, seeing this child who never really found love? Waiting for a knight in shining armor to break her free.
But I am so scared to open up to him or anyone. I trust him a lot, and I love him so much, more than my heart could bear.
But there is a tiny part of me that is scared to ask for help. What if he refuses to open that cage? What if he leaves, too? What if he leaves me behind like everyone who promised to stay?
What if he leaves and I commit suicide? It won't be his fault for leaving a worthless shit behind, right?
Honestly, I would be proud if he did take that decision. He deserves better, better than I could ever give or show. He deserves much more love than I could ever give... Because that's how much I love him, and I would do anything if he wants a happier life, including letting go.
I have no one else who cares like he does at this point. Despite being so far away from me, he cares and loves me. I won't forgive myself if I ever let him go. I won't forgive myself again. I forgave myself once, but that's the final straw.
I love him so much; if he leaves me, my heart would bleed so much that I might pass away just from that pain. Because that's how much I love him, but I am just broken within. The love he shows is too much to handle for a girl whom the world never wanted.
Thinking of the possibilities. What if his family doesn't like me and bans him from meeting me?
What if my mom leaves this country sooner than expected, and I can't save up or get a visa to the US? What if we all get to leave this country? Will we be begging on the streets? Living on the dirt? No friends? No one? Just so alone with the burial graves?
Maybe I might just pass away being on the streets with no reputation.
What if all my promises fail, and I can't make it there? And he just stopped waiting and moved on? What will I do?
Why does my heart ache so much? It hurts, it hurts so much. If I could just talk to him about it, will he get hurt as well, or will he be sad as well?
I can't bear that either. I want him to smile and be happy no matter what. I want him to know that I will always love him, no matter the distance, because I love him so much. So much that my heart bleeds for him, in a good way though.
But I am broken, and I wish I could just muster up some courage and ask him to help me stitch it back together again. I wish I could just ask him for help. I know he's doing his best and trying so hard. But this world broke me so much that I have forgotten how to love or to feel loved.
I want him in my arms, I want him near me. But it's so hopeless to dream of something that is so far out of reach. I want him so badly. I want to lie on his lap or shoulder and cry. I feel so fucking lonely.
It hurts not having him here. It breaks my heart knowing I am feeling so much pain.
I wish God would just grant me to get him here for my birthday. I feel broken as fuck. I wish God just changed my fate from being so poor to fucking rich, so I could meet him and surprise him. I fucking hate this life. I hate myself. I hate it. I hate feeling so fucking lonely. I hate it, God! I hate being this lonely. I hate it...
I wish he were here..... Next to me... For my birthday... That would be my only wish... But how could I be so fucking selfish to trouble him to fly an 18-hour flight? I don't want him to regret his decisions.
I guess some things can never be said. Just a smile would do. No matter how hard I cry, he won't be coming here. But I would travel the world for him only if I had the money too. I hate crying this way.
I am broken as fuck. I am crying so badly that I can barely write this. But I wish we had met in reality once on my birthday. It would be the greatest gift I could ever receive.
So, if I don't make it through this year. I want u to promise me you will let him know; I love him so much. So much that my heart bled so hard for his love, but it was too late to hold it in. Because I won't be there to see him smile again.