Her first day back at work and well nothing was the same, a week off had healed nothing, not her bleeding, her pain, her confusion, her heartache. Knowing that she wasn't pregnant anymore didn't stop the thoughts she had had for the last three weeks, it didn't stop her from wondering if she wanted a baby, a child, or not, it made those thoughts worse in fact, because maybe now the universe had decided for her, it had deemed her not enough...
But she needed to tuck all those thoughts behind her, she needed to put them in the same box she had hidden at the back of her closet, the box that held her pregnancy test, the ultrasound, her medical bracelet, the genetics report, and two tiny ribbons, one pink, one blue that had been woven into a heart and given to her by Jo. When she got home she could open the box again, and see if anything had change...it hadn't in the last week, but today would be different, she'd have a focus again, she'd have her work.
"Um, Chen, can we have a quick word?" Tim asks her after rollcall, leaving Lucy to wonder why she could possibly have done already to upset him, surely he would have been delighted that he was given a break from her yapping for a week.
"Yes Sir?"
"Just wanted to make sure that you're okay?"
"Um...about?" Lucy frowns, because while yes, he had the right to request her medical information, she had been very open with Anderson, and somehow doubts that she would have told Tim without confirming with her.
"Well you were off for a week, that's not usual with rookies, just wanted to be sure you've recovered."
"Um...yeah..."
"Not selling that awfully well here Boot." Tim frowns "I know rookies don't get sick leave, but I'd rather you not be vomiting in my shop."
"That..." Lucy took a deep breath, trying hard to tuck away the thoughts that maybe she wanted to be vomiting in his shop, because that would mean...that would... "That won't be a problem Sir."
"Shit, Lucy, are you okay?" Tim sees the pain in her eyes "Was it? A family loss?"
"In a sense yes."
"Chen?"
"I had a miscarriage."
"What?"
"I miscarried, and I don't need pity, or special treatment, I didn't even know...I mean I hadn't even decided...anyway, none of that matters anymore." Lucy looks at the ground
"Geezus Lucy." Tim looks horrified and then quickly wraps his arms around her "Why didn't you tell me."
"Um..." Lucy says stunned but doesn't push him off her "I didn't, well I didn't tell anyone."
"Please tell me your partner was with you?"
"I don't have a partner Tim, anyway, it doesn't matter anymore."
"It'll always matter." Tim doesn't let her go and slowly Lucy puts her arms around him, the first person she's hugged other than Jo since, well since she found out she was pregnant. "What can I do"
"Maybe, if I need...just um, look the other way if I need to go to the bathroom more often, but that shouldn't...well it shouldn't be for more than a week."
"Come on, I'll load up the shop, and we'll go and find a trouble spot to sit and, keep an eye on, and we'll talk"
"You don't need to do that, I'll be fine."
"Lucy" Tim steps away but holds onto her shoulders "I know I'm not exactly the light and fluffy type, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you okay, and especially on duty, so, I'm stepping up now, because it seems like you have a significant lack of people in your life who look after you, which actually pisses me off a bit, because you look after everyone else."
"Thank you." Lucy gives a shaky smile "Um..."
"You go splash some water on your face, I'll meet you at the shop." He squeezes her shoulders softly, giving her that terse little smile of his.
"Now, I'm not going to ask you a heap of questions, but if you want to talk, we can talk." Tim says later when they are parked in what Lucy was sure was not actually a problem spot, and he hands her a latte "Or you don't need to say anything, or we can go and find some biker gang to get into a fight with."
The last one made Lucy give a small chuckle.
"I was hoping on using better coping mechanisms"
"Yeah...so shooting range? Axe Throwing?"
"Rage room?"
"You'd never be able to."
"What why!?"
"Do you really think you can just break things, guilt free, for no reason?"
"No..." Lucy sighs "kind of pathetic really."
"Nope, admirable, because you'd burn down the world to save someone you loved, or even liked"
"I couldn't save the baby though could I..."
"Sometimes there is no power on earth that can save someone Lucy, it's the hardest lesson in life and the most unfair, and I am sorry you went through it alone."
"I didn't have to, I could have...I just didn't know who?"
"I'm sorry." Tim says softly "You should have felt comfortable enough to come to me, I'm sorry that I failed you"
"No you didn't, at all." Lucy looks out the window "I didn't even tell John, or Jackson, or my parents...or..."
"The man who got you pregnant."
"Well we're not in a relationship, and he's not even in the country, I don't know if he's father material, but I would have told him, once I decided."
"I'm sure you would have."
"Do you think...no never mind."
"I think you would have made an amazing mother yes."
"No, that's not, I mean thank you, but...do you think they knew I might not have wanted them? Do you think they died because I broke their heart?"
"No, I really don't think that Lucy, I think that you could have wanted that baby with all your soul, and sometimes it just doesn't happen."
"Did you ever want, I mean you and Isabel?"
"We did, three actually, well that was the plan before it all went to hell."
"Sorry."
"She got pregnant before we were married, I mean it's not the reason that we got married, obviously, but yeah."
"Oh..."
"We were both terrified, neither of us had good role models as parents, but we thought, hopefully, that we could be the ones to break the cycle you know."
"Hmmm" Lucy nods in understanding
"Well she lost them fairly early on, but I still think about that day, I still wonder what could have been, it's never going to leave you Lucy, it'll get easier to process, but you'll remember days, moments."
"I'm so sorry Tim."
"I know it doesn't compare to what you are going through, I know that being the one who held that life, no matter how fleeting inside you, that it's going to hurt, and it's okay to hurt, and I really would like you to be able to call me if that hurt feels like it's getting too much."
"I will, thank you." Lucy looked at him "Really, I appreciate this, you, more than I think I even realise right now."
"So..." Tim wipes his own eyes quickly "Bathroom and then shooting range?"
"Sounds perfect." Lucy gives a small smile before climbing out of the shop, leaving Tim to remember a different time in his life, and what also once may have been.
Five years later
"Babe?" Lucy calls for Tim to come into their bathroom.
"Luce?"
"I can't look, I need you to please do it."
"Yeah okay." Tim first kisses the top of her head "Whatever it says, we're fine okay."
"Go, please."
"Well...it's positive, all five are positive Luce." Tim says happily "We're having a baby."
"Hopefully." Lucy tears up a little
"We are, one way or another, whichever path we take." Tim hugs her tightly "I know you're scared, I am as well, but we've got this."
"We've got this." Lucy breathes in his scent, calming herself "of course we do."
8 months later
"Nope! We do not have this!" Lucy hisses as another surge powers through her body hard. "We do not have this, what were we thinking!?"
"Lucy baby" Tim gently takes her face in his hands "Look at me, focus on me"
"I'm scared."
"I know, I know. I'm terrified, but in the best way, our baby is almost here, and you've done so well, and she's done so well, you are both my world."
"You are ours." Lucy rests her head on his for a moment. "Okay, I'm ready."
"Good." Says the midwife "Because she's on her way, take a deep breath and bear down for me Lucy."
"Oh Luce, oh she's here." Tim reaches down to help guide the baby out and up to rest her on Lucy's chest "Look at you my superhero, look what you did."
"Hi Maya" Lucy stares down at the bright blue eyes "Our little rainbow baby, welcome to the world my darling girl, we've waited so long for you."
"She was worth the wait."
"She's worth everything." Lucy looks at Tim "I love you."
"I love you, both of you, always."