She had promised herself no one night stands, and well this hadn't exactly been a one night stand. They both knew that it wasn't going anywhere, they had a couple of dates, a night of playful, not great, but not bad, just fun really, sex, exchanged social media info and numbers and well then he left for his "gap" year of travelling and she got back to being a lowly little boot with nothing other than herself to go home to.
And honestly that was enough, training was brutal, her TO even more so, sure he wasn't the devil, but some days it felt like he at least worked for him. The one thing she knew however was that she was going to prove herself, and not prove to him, or her parents or any of the rest of the little boys club that pranced around the force, no, she was going to prove to herself that she was capable, that she could do it, because for the first time in her entire life, she felt like she had a true and pure passion.
But that passion was stressful, and the hours were, well a lot, and her body was changing, growing stronger, daily. It felt powerful, even as she fell into bed night after night, sometimes she swears asleep before her head hit the pillow. It also meant that she didn't really notice it when her period was late, because there were a hundred reasons why it could be.
But of course it eventually wormed its way into her brain, when she thought that the uneasy, maybe even queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach was it on its way. So she made sure to pack extra products and pain killers, at the very least she knew that Bradford had been married, and well his best friends seemed to be female, and while he was a colossal ass in other aspects, the couple times she had had her period previously while training, well he didn't make any issue out of it.
But then it didn't come, and a week later the queasiness was worse and it still wasn't there, and well not even she could ignore anymore what this could actually mean. Setting up an appointment at a local clinic for her next day off, going on her own, not wanting to bring any more drama into her life than it seemed like she already had.
And three hours later, she sat in her private little safe space, in her car, staring at the ultrasound in her hand, trying not to look at the seat next to her which held information on...well other options, options that given the fact she was single, still a rookie, and well broke would be an understatement, they were smart options, they were viable ones, the ones that made the most amount of sense, and then her eyes would dart back to the grey blob, well not blob, but maybe it was easier if she thought of them...it...them... as a blob, not looking further.
Two weeks, she had two weeks to make up her mind, to do the research, the maths, to make her lists, maybe find some women online she could talk to about this. As much as she loved Jackson and John, this absolutely wasn't something she could discuss with them, they well, John would be over the top in a grand gesture, and Jackson...anyway, they were not the people she needed with this, although it was a rather sad state that she didn't have anyone else to turn to.
For a very, fleeting moment, she thought that maybe she could have spoken to Bishop, but Lucy was almost 100% sure what her suggestion would be, so no, instead she did what she always did, she kept it to herself, compartmentalised, put on her sunshine smile and only allowed herself to think about it at appropriate times, well at least she tried.
A week later and she was no closer to making her choice, she had read stories from women who had been in similar situations, and their choices, their regrets or lack of them. Once or twice she almost blurted it out in a panic to Tim, but managed to bite her tongue, she was his rookie, his responsibility to her started and ended while on duty, no personal talk. And you couldn't get more personal than deciding to keep her...a...the...well deciding if being a mother was happening this year, or never at all, or maybe one day, with the right person, at the right time...or if such a thing would ever be possible for her, if maybe this ba...if maybe this was her only chance at something she thought maybe she wanted.
So when two days later, she spotted a dark red drop of blood on her underwear, well she didn't know what to think of that, it was just one drop, she wasn't cramping, but her researched showed it was too late to be implantation bleeding, but any other warning signs were absent, so she went to work, desperate again to put everything out of her mind, to not see the babies or children with their loving parents, to not cry at the call to a home with neglected toddlers, to not wonder what type of a parent she would be.
Her second scan was booked, she knew that after this she needed to make her choice, she couldn't in any conscience keep sitting on the fence. Despite what the law said about her time frame, this wasn't fair on herself or any potential future she had, with or without...well let's see.
And then, she didn't need to make the choice.
"I'm so sorry Lucy." The midwife says "It looks like they stopped growing about a week back."
"What does that mean?" Lucy frowns at the screen, at the distinct lack of a fluttering heart "Stopped growing? What does that mean?"
"I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat." She takes Lucy's hand "We call it a silent miscarriage."
"The blood..."
"You were bleeding?"
"No, just one...one big drop, nothing else, no cramping, nothing, why...why didn't that happen?" She says still staring at the screen "Why...did I, was it something I did?"
"No...nothing you did Lucy and nothing you could have done to stop this." The midwife holds her hand tightly "Is there anyone I can call for you?"
"Um...no...no one else knew." Lucy frowned "Are you sure? I mean can you double check, I mean once I was looking for my ring, and I was sure I had lost it, but then...but then I found it in the spot it was supposed to be all along...could this be like that? Could you check again?"
"Of course I can."
But no, this wasn't a lost ring, this was something more, and she still didn't know how to feel about it.
"We'll need to book you in for a D&C, within the next day, I'll give you a medical note, and some medical prep to take."
"Okay...I'll go speak to my captain now." Lucy nods, still in a daze "Am I supposed to...um...no, that's silly."
"We can do genetic testing afterwards if you want, see if that was the cause?"
"Um, yes...thank you."
"And, well there are some amazing support groups. Or ideas for you to remember them."
"I don't know if I want to..."
"And that's also okay, but keep your options open, you never know."
"Thank you, really." Lucy "Um, I suppose I'll see you tomorrow? I mean you'll be there right?"
"I will, and if you need me, I'll hold your hand as a friend and not as a clinician."
"Please."
"I really am sorry Lucy."
"Me too."
And then after phoning Anderson, booking off her week, she took her first dose of pre-meds, climbed into bed and cried herself to sleep.
She messaged Jackson and John to tell them that she wasn't well, and would hopefully be back soon, lying to say she was drifting in and out, and highly contagious, so not to come and see her, took her second dose of meds and then an uber to the clinic where Jo was waiting for her.
Of course before she was wheeled in, even before she was given anaesthetic, well, the pre-meds did their work and what felt like pools and pools of blood started seeping from her, nurses rushing in to lay down towels, her blood pressure dropping horribly.
Jo going at her word, holding her hand, while asking questions on her behalf when Lucy wondered if maybe she didn't actually need the D&C now, she could just go home and cry in private, but no, that wasn't deemed the smart thing to do. Then the first hint of peaceful sleep in weeks claimed her - sadly, the last for a long while, and even worse, a medically induced sleep to remove what may have been one last chance she had for a long hidden, tucked away, dream.