*The Cultivator's Guide to Being a Chaotic Little Menace*
*BRRRRT!*
The crisp *clang* of nine celestial swords tore through the Qin Clan's fortress city like a kazoo solo at a funeral. The legendary **Skyrend Nine Blades**—gleaming like disco balls hurled by vengeful gods—streaked across the heavens.
"Skyrend Nine Blades?!" gasped Lin Hao, leader of the Lin Clan delegation, nearly choking on his imported dragonfruit smoothie. "So the rumors were true! That shameless Qin brat really scammed the Emperor out of these treasures *and* the Heavenly Treasure Gourd five years ago?!"
His entourage nodded gravely. Rumor had it Qin Feng, the Qin Clan's "prodigy" (read: *unhinged gremlin*), had once convinced the Emperor that carrying nine swords at once was "fashion-forward" and "intimidating at brunch." The Emperor, apparently lacking a functional spine that day, had caved. Now, here was Qin Feng, age eight, orchestrating chaos with the elegance of a raccoon in a gem store.
"**Nine Blades, merge!**" Qin Feng chirped, snapping his fingers like a toddler summoning cookies. The swords obeyed, swirling into a single glowing blade—**Skyrend Divine Sword**, a relic once wielded by the ancient Sword God himself. The crowd oohed. The crowd aahed. The crowd secretly wondered if this kid needed a nap.
Lin San, the Lin Clan's teenage "sword savant," hyperventilated. He'd trained in the Skyrend Sword God's techniques! Those swords were his *birthright*! But stealing them from the Qins? Might as well try to rob a honey badger.
"Even with that shiny toothpick, you're no match for me!" Lin San declared, channeling his inner drama queen. He lunged, unleashing the **Skyrend Sword Art**—a technique so majestic it made nearby pigeons spontaneously compose haiku.
Qin Clan Patriarch Qin Tian paled. "My sweet little war criminal can't handle this!" he whispered, ready to intervene. But then—
*SHING!*
Qin Feng drew his sword with the flair of a salsa dancer mid-spin. "**Heaven-Splitting Sword Draw!**" he yelled, a move he'd *definitely* not stolen from a shady martial arts infomercial. The resulting slash split the air like a laser-guided guillotine, clashing with Lin San's attack in a shower of sparks that smelled suspiciously of burnt popcorn.
**BOOM!**
The explosion sent Lin San's sword flying in pieces. The crowd gasped. Lin San's ego audibly cracked.
*Ding!* **[System Alert: Host has damaged the Chosen One's "invincible" ego. +10,000 Villain Points!]**
Qin Feng's eyes glowed like a kid in a candy store. *If poking his heart gets me points, imagine stabbing it!* he thought, already plotting how to monetize Lin San's suffering.
What followed was less a duel and more a slapstick montage. Qin Feng zipped around like a caffeinated squirrel, stabbing Lin San with the precision of a love-struck Cupid on energy drinks. Each poke came with a cheerful "**This is for your own good!**" as Lin San's outfit increasingly resembled Swiss cheese.
*Ding!* **[+500 Villain Points!]**
*Ding!* **[+500 Villain Points!]**
"Big Brother's the BEST!" squealed Qin Hao, Qin Feng's adoring younger brother, oblivious to the violence. Nearby, Lin Xin'er, Lin San's sister, fumed like a teakettle. "I'll *end* that brat!" she hissed, only to be scooped up by Qin Feng's mother, who cooed, "Aren't you just a spicy little meatball?"
Lin Hao, sensing his heir's impending nervous breakdown, yoinked Lin San back with a flick of his sleeve. "Enough! My future son-in-law shouldn't resemble colander!" he declared, grinning at Patriarch Qin Tian.
The Qins preened. The Lins sighed. The marriage alliance was sealed… until Lin Hao pointed at *Qin Hao*, the non-combatant toddler still clutching a stuffed dragon. "Him. That one's my Xin'er's fiancé."
Silence.
Qin Feng froze mid-victory pose. "*Excuse me?!*" he squawked, voice cracking. "I just did a whole sword ballet! And you pick the *baby*?!"
Lin Hao shrugged. "Less stabby, more cuddly. Ideal husband material."
Qin Feng's eye twitched. All that effort, and his brother got the girl?! The universe was clearly broken.
Meanwhile, Qin Hao hugged his toy, blissfully unaware he'd just been voluntold to marry a tiny human tornado. Lin Xin'er facepalmed. This was going to be a *long* engagement.
---
**Post-Credits Scene**
*Later, in the Qin Clan's kitchen…*
Qin Feng: (grumbling) "I deserve a snack. Ten snacks. ALL the snacks."
Skyrend Sword: (glowing) *[Mood: Petty. Suggest stealing Emperor's fancy teapot next.]*
Qin Feng: "...Genius."
*Ding!* **[New Quest: "Why Be a Hero When You Can Be a Menace?" Activated!]**