I never thought I would be able to be this happy again. All this while it was a constant struggle to find that little tiny spark of hope and happiness. It was too long ago that I simply had forgotten how THIS used to feel.
Even reading through my own journal, knowing it was my very handwriting, I could not relate the joy that radiated from its pages. But now that I experienced this, it was not even that farfetched anymore. It suddenly made sense and all I had to do was accept him. It sounded sooooo simple and yet, it was a huge milestone for me.
The pain that chained me and the grief that strapped me down made giving up so much easier. But I was too much of a coward to completely end my life and too much in denial to reach for help. I could barely even care about myself, let alone see my surroundings and those around me.
Sure, the medicine definitely played a part in helping me to be better but without Edmund by my side, I doubt I could even crawl out of this depression. To think he had done every single thing he could to get me back on my feet, being ever so present in my life and being my biggest supporter, I really do owe him plenty. After all the work he had done, it would be very selfish of me to continue wallowing in sadness and locked in negativities.
Edmund is right! The only way I could repay him is to be better! And ever since that hot passionate night together, life had been much much better. Maybe we were currently experiencing the honeymoon phase of our relationship but all the same I enjoyed the time I spent with him. The cuddles in bed, the smile we exchanged when our eyes met and all the little things was a memory worth remembering.
I genuinely never thought I would fall in love again. I thought Alistair was my endgame. I mean, it was not as if Alistair was a bad husband. We both knew we were meant to be until we were not. And as much as I would blame his new wife for coveting my husband at that time, Alistair was at fault too. Now that I am with Edmund, I am spoiled waaaay more than I have ever been spoiled. It was easy to say goodbye to the past with that much attention he was giving me.
However, I was not as attentive to Edmund as he was towards me. I only found out on one of the nights as we were cuddling in bed. Just thinking about it made me feel rather guilty.
"Are you sleepy?" he asked. His thumbs were mindlessly twiddling against mine, putting as much body contact as he normally did before bedtime.
"Kind of," I said, giving a kiss on his arm. "Why?"
"Good night, dewdrop. Sleep well, tonight."
I swear if I take his charming words as it was that particular night, I would have already snoozed myself out and missed out on a very important thing! Even up until now I have been questioning myself if I had failed to notice he was trying to have a conversation or he was that great at masking his problem, not wanting to burden me.
Yet somehow, despite my sleepiness which I blamed on the medicine, I was feeling playful and wanted an answer. I turned my body towards him, looking up to see him.
"Okay, you sleep well too!"
A content smile spread on my face as his twinkling eyes met mine. He nibbled on my nose before telling me to close my eyes.
"I will but I can't."
He looked slightly alarmed as his body tensed. "Let me get your other med," he said, halfway standing up.
"No, it's not that. Come back," I whined coquettishly, pulling his arm gently so he would lie down next to me again.
"What's wrong? Are you alright?" He was already putting his hand over my forehead, checking my body temperature while the other hand was checking my pulse.
Stupid me, I did not find any of his actions unusual. I just assumed it was because of how I had always been that made him this way.
"I'm fine. Why? Is there something you want to talk to me about?" It was meant to be an innocent question as he was not responding to my first why. But to see him jolting upright and eyes widened spooked me a little bit.
"Why? Do you?" He asked without breaking our eye contact.
That was when I felt slightly weirded out. That the situation felt off somewhat as though he was hiding something from me.
"Did something happen?" I blurted. This time I, too, sat upright next to him with our hands holding each other.
He shook his head but I was not content.
"Is there something I need to know? Or maybe something…?" I pushed again, not wanting to change the topic when something seemed amiss.
"Please?" I begged the moment I saw him hesitating.
He closed his eyes instead of responding and this ominous deja vu sensation was creeping in.
"You're scaring me!" I yelped and hugged him tight! I forced his hands to wrap around my body, trying to be present and be mindful of my surroundings. But it was hard! My breathing rhythm was out of control and I could feel darkness was pulling me.
Thankfully, I managed to snap out of it. His gentle voice guided me as he hummed a lullaby, calming me down.
"I'm here with you, my dewdrop," he whispered over and over again while sweeping the cold sweat off my face.
"Are you better now?" He looked at me, trying to make eye contact. I sheepishly nodded, feeling rather embarrassed by the sudden wave.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I was just thinking when is the best time to ask you."
"Best time to ask me…? Ask me what?"
"I'm trying to be careful broaching the topic because the last time it was brought up, you fainted."
"I'll try to be mentally ready," I assured him, even though I myself am not sure if I could take it now that he put it that way.
He took a big gulp of air and cautiously stated, "The fifth of November," he paused while checking my reaction.
"Okay? What about it?" I asked, still clueless where the conversation was going.
"That was the first time you lost your memory."
I got what he was trying to say but at the same time, I was lost.
"So you are worried I might lose my memory on that day? That's why you said what you said last time?" Was that where this conversation was heading? Back to that day? Was he trying to clarify about that incident?
"Yes, I wanted to ask, what should I do if you lost your memory again? What can I do to make you understand that we are married to each other?"
Oh, how my heart breaks! Here he was thinking how he was going to try to win me again! Had he been anxious this whole time knowing it was closer to the date and not knowing I might or might not lose my memory?
And he had to go through all of this alone? Bracing himself that he might have lost his wife again? What have I done to even deserve you?