I could not understand how I could leave out so many important details especially if the past me was anticipating a memory loss. Why was it fixated on the 'present' rather than trying to find the root of the problem? I asked Edmund the same questions I had in my mind.
"That is actually my fault," he answered, avoiding my eye contact.
I looked at him, waiting for further clarification despite his avoidance.
"At that time, you were struggling pretty badly. You were already in bad shape when you first woke up from the coma and you suffered even worse after your first memory loss."
"Worse than this memory loss?" I cocked my head, wondering how terrible my state was at that time.
He glanced at me and was deep in thoughts as though he was able to see the current and past me side by side, making a proper observation. Even when his mouth opened and closed several times, I did not rush him. It was evident that he was trying to be careful with his words. That or he was lost for words. Either way, I waited.
"Not necessarily." His eyes squinted and his nose wrinkled, wearing a questionable facial expression.
"What do you mean?"
"Last year, you… I mean, it's too late for me to realise it then since you put on a believable front. Actually, no. That, I mean that -." Edmund was rambling at this point as though he was having a monologue. I could not even follow what he was trying to say.
"Look! I'm going to be honest but please don't take this the wrong way, okay?" He held my hand, giving me the saddest and guiltiest look I had ever seen him.
"I'll try," I shrugged. How could I blindly agree on something I have yet to know?
He hesitated upon hearing my response but he answered nonetheless. "I… Well, you see… You have to remember that we were practically strangers one year ago."
"Yes?"
"We did get married without truly knowing each other well, you know that right?"
"I guess?" My responses were unconvincing because I was not sure if the conversation had gone sidetracked or we are entering an uncomfortable topic.
"My point is, I was not a hundred percent sure that you were suffering from depression. I mean, I did not know to what extent! I mean, I know you were suffering from depression obviously! Since you were in a bad car accident, I mean!"
His voice was starting to hasten as his pitch raised, making me feel rushed for no apparent reason. And yet, I still had no idea what he wanted to convey.
"You seemed fine but at the same time not. Every time I suspected you were showing signs, you were quick to be all cheery again." He blathered.
I was beginning to lose track of the conversation. It was as though he was a speed runner running for a sprint and I was a clueless person lost in the middle of the track field, wondering where the starting line even was.
"- deserve a clean slate." His voice entered my hearing field once again, bringing me back to reality. I was impressed that this man could talk quite a lot and wondered if I had missed anything important. In the meantime, I also tried my best to connect the dots for the time I zoned out.
"But my mistake was, I overdid it and suppressed what you should not have suppressed and maybe that was the cause of your third memory loss."
"Oh," I replied, pretending to appear as though I had been such a great listener when in fact I was completely lost.
"So you're saying that suppression was the reason for my recent memory loss?" I repeated, feigning I had been deep in thoughts and were taking his words seriously.
"It's a possibility, yes."
"Hmm…" It sounded lame but that was the best response I could come up with while I tried to grasp everything. I even had the perfect signature of rubbing my chin with my fingers but who was I kidding? I was not fooled by my own silliness and for all I know, I believed he would play along, completely aware of what I was doing.
"Wait!" I shouted out loud, suddenly having an epiphany.
The first memory loss happened to be on the fifth of November which coincided with my wedding anniversary to Alistair. Considering it had only been a year ago, surely I must have some sort of feelings for Alistair. Perhaps that triggered something and caused a memory loss. Or maybe my brain simply short-circuited and refused to believe we had been divorced?
And according to him, he theorised that my recent one was due to suppression. I was not sure what nature it was but it did sound plausible.
But being an overthinker made me wonder if all the memory losses were associated with Alistair? "Do you remember when I lost my memory the second and third time?" I asked, hoping this would lead to something.
"In January, around mid somewhere there. The most recent one was in September."
I snapped my fingers several times as a beat to my repeated saying of 'January'. It was rather obvious but could it truly be a coincidence? After all, I did long for him when we bumped into each other. But if it ever turned out that I was right, then what was the significance of the month September between me and Alistair? Was it truly as simple as suppression?
Could it even be possible?