When Rei awoke that morning, the sunlight was gentle, the birds outside were chirping cheerfully, and for once, no one was trying to spoon-feed him soup laced with wedding vows.
It was, in fact, suspiciously quiet.
Too quiet.
And he knew from experience that in this mansion, silence was never golden—it was the calm before a blood-splattered, affection-fueled storm.
A soft knock at his door interrupted his blissful paranoia.
"Master Rei," came Rosette's velvety voice from beyond the door, "would you care for a personal self-defense lesson this morning? I believe it's time you learned how to protect yourself... from aggressive love."
Rei sat up like a meerkat sensing danger.
That voice. That sweet, serene tone layered over possible murder. His instincts screamed flight, but his feet stupidly swung off the bed.
He opened the door.
Rosette stood there in her immaculate maid uniform, holding a tray covered in knives. Not butter knives. Not fruit knives. These were gleaming, lovingly polished instruments that looked like they'd tasted blood before.
"Oh," Rei said carefully, "um... morning training?"
Rosette beamed like a sunflower in spring. "Yes, Master Rei. I've prepared an introductory course: 'How to Not Die When Surrounded by Affectionate Psychopaths.' Trademark pending."
Rei blinked. "Is that... your working title?"
She tilted her head. "Would you prefer, 'Defensive Knife Arts for Endangered Dukes'?"
"Rosette," Rei began, stepping back as she walked inside, "are you trying to teach me self-defense, or are you subtly trying to train me to dodge... you?"
"I would never," she said sweetly. "This is merely to ensure your survival. You are, after all, quite delicate. Like a cherry blossom. Or a kitten. Or a cherry-blossom-scented kitten made of glass."
Rei muttered under his breath, "Why do I feel like I just stepped into a romantic version of Kill Bill...?"
She laid out the knives on a tea table with an elegance that suggested she'd done this many times before. Probably while humming lullabies.
"Lesson One," she said, holding up a curved dagger. "Never trust a smile during an apology. Especially if the person is holding a teacup. Or has a princess title."
"That feels oddly specific."
"Lesson Two." She picked up an apple, then another knife. With fluid grace, she began slicing the apple into delicate pieces.
Each piece took shape... into a disturbingly recognizable silhouette.
Rei stared.
"That's Seraphina," he whispered.
Rosette didn't look up. "Yes. Her hair is annoyingly intricate, but I've practiced."
Another slice. This one became Lilia.
"Rosette... are you carving my fiancées... out of fruit?"
"Lesson Three," she continued, now working on a suspiciously busty apple that had Drakana's horns, "always assume baked goods are a trap. Especially if they look like you."
Rei's eye twitched. "Did one of them bake me a cookie shaped like my own head again?"
Rosette placed a plate down in front of him. On it sat a disturbingly realistic biscuit with his exact sleepy eyes and slightly messy black hair.
"Seraphina sent this. I neutralized it."
He blinked. "Neutralized?"
"She hid a truth serum inside its chocolate-chip pupils."
"...Right."
"Now," she said, pushing a small throwing knife toward him, "try holding this. Pointy end away from you, please."
Rei picked up the knife gingerly, as though it might bite.
Rosette circled behind him, adjusting his grip by gently touching his hands.
"Relax your shoulders, Master. Don't look like you're holding a cursed artifact. Imagine you're... defending your virtue."
"That's the thing," Rei muttered, "I didn't even want my virtue. I just wanted peace and a snack. Is that so much to ask?"
"Then this lesson is even more vital." She twirled around him with elegant menace. "Now, pretend I'm trying to hug you too tightly and whisper 'I've already planned the names of our seven children.' How do you respond?"
Rei flailed, then tried a weak jab with the knife. "Uh... 'Please respect my personal space'?"
"Incorrect." She caught his wrist mid-stab and twisted it with shocking gentleness. "You say, 'I'm flattered, but let's talk about joint custody after brunch,' then disarm."
She demonstrated by spinning the knife from his hand into her own like she was auditioning for a traveling circus of dangerously attractive killers.
Rei collapsed into a chair. "Rosette, what exactly is your background? Were you trained in some kind of secret maid assassin guild?"
Rosette smiled enigmatically. "The Duchess sent me to finishing school in the North. We studied etiquette, ballroom dance, and how to kill a man with a dessert spoon."
Rei whimpered into his hands.
She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Master. I only use those skills in defense of your life, honor, and mental well-being."
He looked up.
"And your happiness," she added with a twinkle. "Of course."
There was a long pause.
"…So when you say 'defense,' that includes hypothetical situations where a certain sister decides to host a wedding rehearsal without warning?"
"Of course." She picked up a melon baller. "Do you know how sharp these are?"
"I didn't," Rei said, scooting his chair back slightly, "and I didn't want to."
Rosette gave him a clipboard.
"Here's today's knife syllabus," she said cheerfully. "By the end of the week, you should be able to parry an incoming cupcake, deflect a love letter with a spoon, and tie a silk ribbon garrote."
Rei read the page.
There were footnotes. And illustrations.
"Rosette," he asked slowly, "how long have you been preparing this curriculum?"
"Since the day I met you, Master," she replied, clasping her hands sweetly. "You spilled your juice, fell into a bush, and tried to pet a bee. I knew then that you'd need lifelong protection."
"That was fifteen years ago!"
"And I haven't stopped planning since."
She pulled a red velvet cloth off a mannequin beside the fireplace. Underneath was a miniature doll version of Rei—complete with interchangeable outfits, a mini knife set, and a string that said "Please calm down!" when pulled.
Rei stared in stunned horror.
"I use him to visualize rescue operations," Rosette explained. "Last week's training scenario was 'Yandere Kitchen Brawl: The Spaghetti Incident.'"
"Was that why the dining room smelled like burnt oregano and terror?"
She nodded proudly.
Suddenly, a soft beep echoed in the room.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION:
MISSION COMPLETE: Attend Rosette's Knife Safety Lecture Without Crying.
REWARD: +1 Affection Point (Rosette)
New Passive Skill Unlocked: Instinctive Dodge (Level 1)]
Rei groaned. "It tracks emotional stability now?"
Rosette handed him a congratulatory cup of tea. "Drink slowly. This one is safe."
He eyed her suspiciously. "Define 'safe.'"
"I only added lavender. And a sleeping agent. Mild."
"…Why?"
"You seem tired. Don't worry—when you wake up, we'll begin practical drills using banana peels and concealed daggers."
Rei, to no one's surprise, passed out with a quiet "I regret everything."
As she tucked him into a recliner, Rosette smiled tenderly, brushing his hair aside.
"Goodnight, Master Rei," she whispered. "You're progressing so well. Soon you'll survive the whole week without a single poisoning attempt."
She hummed as she returned to polishing her knives.
From the shadows, the doll version of Rei slowly tipped forward on its stand, eyes blank.
And somewhere in the back of the room, another apple—shaped vaguely like Lucivella—rolled off the table, split perfectly in two.
To be continued…