Let me preface this by saying one thing:
I. Hate. Tea.
Not the drink itself—though I'm deeply suspicious of any beverage that comes with a flavor called "earthy melancholy." No, my loathing stems entirely from the fact that in this world, tea parties are not pleasant social affairs.
They're acts of psychological warfare.
I learned this firsthand at 9:07 a.m.
[SYSTEM MISSION ALERT!]
[New Mission: Host a civil tea party with your five fiancées. Objective: Survive for 3 hours without sustaining injury, ingesting poison, or triggering unintended marriage proposals.]
[Reward: Temporary Invincibility Buff (60 seconds). Penalty: Automatic affection stampede resulting in possible dismemberment.]
I stared blankly at the glowing words floating above my pillow, blinking slowly as the existential dread settled over me like a funeral shroud.
"…I just wanted to weed the garden today," I whispered.
[SYSTEM: Invalid wish. Engage operation: 'Afternoon Chaos.']
I buried my face into my pillow and screamed into it.
An hour later, I stood in the rose garden of Duke Crimsonvale's estate, surrounded by lace-draped tables, floral arrangements too fragile for reality, and enough silverware to construct a full-body suit of armor.
At the center of it all sat a round marble table set for six—me and five beautiful lunatics.
Maids fluttered about, balancing teapots, pastries, and tranquilizer antidotes.
"Why is there an emergency medical tent?" I asked one maid.
She bowed. "Protocol, Young Master. Last time Miss Seraphina dueled with Miss Lilia over a cucumber sandwich."
I nodded solemnly. "Right. Bring extra medics."
The first to arrive was Seraphina.
She floated into the garden like an empress of grace, wearing an imperial red tea gown with gold embroidery that seemed to glint menacingly in the sunlight. Her long platinum hair was braided like a crown, and she held a crimson parasol—sharpened at the tip.
"Darling," Seraphina greeted, her voice as smooth as treacle laced with cyanide. She took her seat and placed a small glass vial beside her teacup. "I've brought my own blend today. Black rose, grown in the ashfields of Kaeltharos. Purifies the mind, sharpens the senses… and renders most poisons inert."
"Just your tea, right?"
She tilted her head. "Of course. Though if anyone else drinks it, well… I make no promises."
Next came Lilia, gliding toward the table in a layered black-lace ensemble that would've made a mourning widow feel underdressed. Her lavender hair was tied with ribbons that said "Mrs. Rei" in cursive embroidery.
She dropped a velvet pouch onto the table with a dainty thud. "Tea set sterilized. Utensils sanitized. Cookies scanned for romantic interference."
I frowned. "Scanned how?"
Lilia smiled, her eyes glinting behind round spectacles. "With magic. And blood rituals. The usual."
"Uh-huh."
"I also prepared conversation cue cards to keep things... civil," she added, unfurling a scroll. Each card read things like "Smile Through the Jealousy" and "Do Not Murder Host."
I made a mental note to call the therapist I didn't have.
Drakana arrived next, kicking over a garden chair before slumping into it with a scowl. The dragon girl wore a frilly pink apron over her usual combat armor.
She plunked down a cracked ceramic pot that hissed ominously.
"Brought my own tea," she grunted. "Dragonroot brew. Made from roots I tore out with my teeth."
"What's it taste like?" I asked warily.
"Pain. And cinnamon."
She grinned, steam rising from the cup she poured with reckless abandon.
"It pairs well with meat pies. Speaking of which—" She held up a plate stacked with suspiciously red pastries. "Want one?"
"...I'll pass for now."
Her grin widened. "Coward."
Rosette appeared like a silent specter, her long black maid uniform swaying as if caught in phantom wind. She made no sound as she placed a single glass jar on the table and gave a low bow.
"I've steeped my feelings for you into a tea," she said, her voice devoid of emotion.
I blinked. "You what?"
"I distilled every time I watched you breathe," she replied calmly, pouring clear liquid into my cup. "You should taste longing. And vanilla."
I made another mental note: dig a secret tunnel out of the mansion.
Last came Sophia, skipping into the garden with a picnic basket and enough sparkles to cause retinal damage. Her pink curls bounced as she wore a pastel teacup-themed dress with matching gloves and earrings shaped like me.
"Good morning, Husband-to-be~!" she sang.
I froze. "We're not married."
"Yet," she chirped, placing a tray of cookies on the table. "I made special snacks! They're all you-shaped!"
Sure enough, each cookie had my face. Some smiled. Some blushed. One was crying.
"What's that one?" I pointed.
She beamed. "That's 'Despair Rei.' So cute, right?"
"…I think I need holy water."
The tea party began.
We clinked cups. Politely.
But beneath the pleasantries, I could feel it—the tension. It was like sitting atop a keg of gunpowder while everyone around you pretended the matches in their hands were decorative.
"Darling," Seraphina began, sipping delicately. "How has your week been? I trust you've been avoiding succubi, enchantresses, and Lilia?"
Lilia blinked innocently. "I'm right here."
"Exactly."
Drakana leaned across the table, her clawed fingers wrapped around a tea biscuit like she wanted to crush it—and someone's windpipe. "Let's cut the crap. Who's been sneaking into his room at night?"
Silence.
Then.
"I only go in to fluff his pillows," Rosette said calmly.
"To measure him for a wedding suit," Lilia muttered.
"To stare at his face while he sleeps," Seraphina added.
Sophia cheerfully raised a hand. "I braid his leg hair!"
"…I'm locking my door forever," I whispered.
Two hours in, and the party had devolved into something between a polite conversation and an aristocratic assassination plot.
Everyone began "innocently" tampering with each other's snacks.
Seraphina adjusted the angle of Lilia's teacup using a silver fork.
Lilia sprinkled suspicious glitter on Drakana's sandwich.
Drakana burned Rosette's napkin and blamed "sunlight."
Rosette poured two extra drops of her mystery liquid into Sophia's cocoa.
Sophia clapped. "Yay! More flavor!"
I tried to slip away.
Rosette appeared behind me instantly.
"Please remain seated," she whispered, pushing me back down.
"Is this still a tea party or have we started a cult?"
"Why not both?" Lilia asked.
I sighed and reached for a scone.
BOOM.
The cake at the center of the table detonated in a cloud of powdered sugar, fondant, and me-shaped marzipan figurines.
Everyone froze.
A puff of smoke cleared to reveal Sophia, looking sheepish.
"I added sparkle powder," she said.
"You mean gunpowder!" I coughed through the frosting.
"Only a little!"
[SYSTEM WARNING: Vital Signs Spiking. Emergency Buff Activation in 5 seconds.]
[Affection Tension at 94%. Approaching Catastrophic Cute Combat.]
Sweat poured down my back.
"Ladies," I said carefully, raising my hands, "this was meant to be a civil tea party. We agreed to keep things peaceful."
Lilia smiled as she adjusted a lace glove. "Of course. I haven't poisoned anyone. Yet."
Seraphina smoothed her skirts. "Indeed. I'm merely defending my claim."
Drakana cracked her neck. "Civilly."
Rosette was polishing a butter knife. Quietly.
Sophia held up a tray. "Who wants a final cookie?!"
Each cookie bore my face. This time, each expression was one of escalating panic.
"Let's have him eat just one," Lilia suggested, her voice low. "To see which cookie—which girl—he chooses."
Oh no.
This was the final trap.
The Battle of Affection.
One cookie.
Five wives-to-be.
Only doom.
They set five cookies before me.
Sophia's: a cheerful "Happy Rei."
Seraphina's: a regal "Noble Rei" with chocolate cravat.
Lilia's: "Blood Oath Rei," filled with red jam.
Rosette's: featureless, except the words "Yes Forever."
Drakana's: slightly charred and shaped like a flexing bicep.
I was expected to pick one.
One.
I took a breath.
"System," I whispered.
[SYSTEM: Buff ready. Use wisely.]
I grabbed all five cookies and shoved them into my mouth at once.
Time froze.
Pink hearts exploded into the air like confetti bombs.
Seraphina gasped. "He… he chose us all."
Lilia clutched her chest. "I can die happy."
"No you can't," Rosette whispered.
Sophia threw cookies into the air like fireworks.
Drakana grabbed a chair and roared, "HE'S MINE, BUT I'LL SHARE—FOR NOW."
And then they all leapt at me.
My Invincibility Buff activated.
They bounced off me like plushies hitting a wall.
I stood there, blinking, covered in frosting, crumbs, glitter, and five flavors of affection.
[MISSION COMPLETE!]
[Reward Granted: Invincibility Buff + Title Unlocked: "Hostage of Hospitality."]
I looked up at the sky.
"Gods above… why?"
The air shimmered.
Goddess Eris appeared, sipping a smoothie. "That was wildly entertaining."
"I hate you."
She winked. "You love it."
I sat down, exhausted.
Behind me, I heard Sophia chirp, "Let's do another tea party next week!"
I screamed into the heavens.
To be continued…