Man, what a drag.
The sun was barely up, the sky painted in those annoying warm colors people wrote poems about, and here I was — lying on the roof of the Nara Clan house, staring at the clouds and pretending to be asleep. Keyword: pretending.
In reality, my body was half-dead from pulling another all-nighter.
Yup. All night. Again.
No, it wasn't because I was studying, training, or doing anything remotely productive by normal ninja standards. Nah, I had a much more scandalous, secretive, utterly ridiculous reason.
I was writing smut novels.
And before you judge, let me explain.
See, seven years ago — when I was just a snot-nosed five-year-old who still struggled with my own name — I got this weird golden screen pop up in front of my face like some cheap video game interface:
[System Activated!]
Publish 1000 words = +1 Chakra
Every 100 Copies Sold = +1 Stat Point
Every 1000 Fans = Gain 1 Skill from a Fan's Affinity
Naturally, as any normal, reasonable child would do when faced with an otherworldly phenomenon… I screamed like a baby girl and fell off my chair.
After recovering from the heart attack, I did what anyone else would: tested it out. Wrote 1000 words about a perverted old hermit falling into a bathhouse. Boom — 1 chakra point. No lie.
At first, it was just curiosity. Then it became greed. Then… it became a lifestyle.
Fast forward seven years.
I've written over 3 million words, published 4 novels, sold 43,000 copies total, and earned myself a quiet, cult-like following of 8000+ degenerates.
Of course, none of them knew I was a twelve-year-old ninja-to-be. Or that their beloved novelist, The Wanderer Old Hag, was actually Konoha's so-called laziest genius, Nara Shikamaru.
Man, what a messed-up world.
Current Stats:
Strength: 82
Agility: 150
Intelligence: 120
Constitution: 86
Wisdom: 85
Luck: 102
Charisma: 31
Chakra Reserve: Jonin Level
Yeah. At this point, I could probably crush a mid-tier Jonin if I felt like moving. But I didn't. Moving was a drag.
"Shikamaru!"
Ugh. That voice.
My old man's gravelly yell echoed through the house like a death bell.
"You're gonna be late for class again! Get your ass moving!"
I lazily rolled onto my side, yawned, and stretched like a cat.
In truth, I hadn't slept a wink last night. Too busy finishing the latest chapter for my fifth novel-in-progress: 'Hot Springs of Lust: The Kunoichi's Forbidden Secret'.
Quality literature. Real highbrow stuff.
I made a mental note to proofread it later.
Dragging myself up, I strolled inside, washed my face, and grabbed a rice ball on my way out. Mom gave me her usual dead-eyed glare. The one that said 'You're a disappointment, but I guess I still love you.'
Women, man. Impossible to read.
"Have a good day," she sighed, clearly meaning don't embarrass me again.
At the Academy, I resumed my carefully constructed role of sleepy underachiever.
The other kids barely gave me a second glance anymore.
Naruto was busy getting chased for defiling the Hokage Monument again.
Sasuke was brooding in the corner like he just finished listening to an emo mixtape.
And Choji, bless him, was too distracted by a fresh bag of chips to notice anything.
Good.
The less attention, the better.
The thing about Konoha was, nobody suspected the lazy ones. Everyone thought geniuses were either ambitious or power-hungry maniacs. Me? I just wanted to finish my next manuscript and maybe nap under a nice tree.
I slid into my usual seat at the back, by the window. Prime sleeping real estate.
Iruka-sensei was already at the front, droning on about kunai throwing techniques or something equally pointless. The guy was a solid teacher, but holy hell, his lectures could put even an insomniac to sleep.
I let my head hit the desk and pretended to doze.
In my head, I opened up my system window.
[Word Count This Month: 142,000]
[Chakra Gained: 142]
Decent haul.
[Current Fans: 8,124]
Hah. It went up. Guess last night's cliffhanger worked.
Even better — I was approaching another 1000-fan milestone. Which meant I could steal another skill soon.
The System only let me pick skills within my elemental affinities — Fire, Earth, and Yin. No Water, Wind, or Lightning for me. Not that I minded. Fire was flashy, Earth was reliable, and Yin… well, let's just say the things you could do with chakra illusions and mental techniques were fun.
I flicked through my fan list to see who I might steal from next.
[Hokage's Hat Collector]
Affinity: Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique
Eh. Too basic.
[BathhouseBoss69]
Affinity: Earth Release: Rock Pillar Prison
Hmm. Useful for certain… scenes.
I bookmarked it for later.
I was in the middle of skimming a fanfiction someone wrote about my character when a sudden weight slammed against my desk.
"Oi, Shikamaru! Wake up, you lazy bum!"
Naruto's grinning face hovered inches from mine.
"Tch… what a drag," I muttered, waving him off. "I was having a great dream."
"Bet it was about clouds again, huh?"
If he only knew.
"Something like that," I yawned.
Iruka called for silence and started handing out practice exams. Great. More useless busywork.
I barely glanced at it before filling in all the answers by muscle memory. I'd read the whole curriculum years ago, while researching battle scenes for my first novel. Realistically, I could ace this junk in my sleep. Which, ironically, I usually did.
I turned it in five minutes later and went back to cloud-watching.
Just one more week 'til graduation.
Then, finally… I'd be a Genin. More missions, more money, more excuses to sneak away for writing marathons.
And maybe — if I played it right — I could finally start my next big series:
'The Forbidden Techniques of the Kunoichi Seductress'
Oh, it was gonna be a bestseller.
I smirked to myself as the clouds drifted by.
Man… what a drag.
But a profitable one.