I spent the night half-drowned in mud, staring at the stars, contemplating my entire miserable existence.
Why was I here?
Why did the universe make me a goblin?
Why does my system only give skills through unholy means?
I thought of great protagonists before me.
The swordsmen, the mages, the genius tacticians.
And then there was me.
Gob.
A mud-smeared, frog-throwing, future-frog-dad goblin.
The Opportunity
At dawn, Ma Grugga yanked me out of the swamp by my ear.
"Oi, Gob! You last boy standin'! Means you first pick for Goblin Lucky Bride!"
"Wait — WHAT?"
Before I could protest, she dragged me back to camp.
A bunch of goblin girls sat in a row like a lineup of criminals. Some were still chewing frog legs. One was gnawing on a tree branch.
I scanned them.
None of them looked particularly…safe.
One had an eye twitch. Another had a lazy eye. A third one looked like she might stab me for fun.
Then I saw her.
Gringa.
The smallest goblin girl.
Only one tooth.
Wore a necklace made of snail shells.
She was picking her nose.
"Me pick him," Gringa grunted, pointing at me with a grubby finger.
The others booed.
I was too tired to resist.
Ma Grugga clapped her hands. "Good! Now do Frog Rite!"
…what the hell is the Frog Rite?
Turns out, it's exactly what it sounds like.
The Frog Rite
They handed me a fat, slimy toad.
I was supposed to smack it on the butt and shout "FROG BLESS US" before giving it to Gringa.
I did so with the deadest eyes imaginable.
"Frog bless us," I muttered.
Gringa grinned, took the toad, and smacked me on the head with it.
And according to goblin law…
We were married.
[System Notice: Marriage registered. Pregnancy possible.]
[Quest Added: Fulfill Goblin Progenitor Duty.]
I swear I heard the system snicker.
The Escape Plan
Now listen.
I'm many things.
Ugly. Muddy. Probably diseased.
But I'm also a man of standards.
And those standards are: no frog-bashing gremlin with a snail necklace.
I needed a plan.
That's when Pibbit waddled over, half-conscious, still bruised from yesterday's Baby Bash.
"Oi Gob… me have frog wine. You want?"
I grabbed the bottle so fast it left a vapor trail.
Step 1: Get Gringa drunk.
Step 2: Sneak out when she's snoring.
Step 3: Live to see another day.
Foolproof.
I handed her the frog wine.
She downed it in one gulp and passed out face-first into a pile of moss.
I saluted her bravery.
And then I ran.
The Aftermath
The next morning, Ma Grugga found me hiding under a log.
"Oi, Gob. Gringa pregnant."
I froze.
"WITH WHAT?!"
"Frog wine strong. Make belly big. She say it your fault."
[System Notice: Pregnancy Confirmed. +1 Pregnancy Count.]
[New Skill Unlocked: Bubble Shield (Lv.1)]
I stared at the screen.
Bubble Shield?
After all that… I got a bubble.
I laughed so hard I passed out in the mud.