Morning in Goblin Swamp is a lot like war.
Mud everywhere.
Something's always on fire.
And at least one goblin is screaming in the distance for reasons you don't want to ask about.
I yawned, stretched my arms, and checked my system window.
[EXP: 580/600]
Almost there.
One more dumb quest, and I'd finally level up.
I wasn't even excited. You know why?
Because in this cruel, perverse world, leveling up only increases attributes — like Strength, Agility, and Intelligence.
But skills?
Those only come one way.
Making someone pregnant.
It's the dumbest system ever.
Who designed this?
A pervert?
A drunk frog god?
Me, a humble goblin, cursed to power up through accidental fatherhood.
The Final Push
Pibbit stumbled over with a bag of questionable-looking mushrooms.
"Oi, Gob. Want eat?"
I shrugged.
"Why not."
I popped one into my mouth.
[Quest Complete: Consume Suspicious Mushrooms. +20 EXP]
[LEVEL UP!]
[You are now Level 2.]
[+5 Attribute Points]
[Distribute points?]
I sighed.
Strength: +2
Agility: +2
Intelligence: +1
Yay. Now I could maybe lift a heavier stick and run away from my problems slightly faster.
No new skills.
Because, as usual, the system coldly reminded me:
[Skills only unlocked via pregnancy-based achievements.]
I kicked a rock.
"This system sucks."
An Opportunity Appears
While sulking, Gringa waddled over, clutching her frog wine and rubbing her round belly.
"Gob… baby strong. Me feel it kick."
I blinked.
"It's been one day."
"Frog God work fast."
The tribe cheered.
"FROG BABY! FROG BABY!"
Ma Grugga clapped her hands.
"Gob, you good prophet. You make strong goblin. You get reward."
I perked up.
"Reward?"
She tossed me a stick.
A slightly pointy one.
"…Thanks."
[Item Acquired: Slightly Pointy Stick (Durability: 3/3)]
I pocketed it.
Because frankly, you never know in this swamp.
Then Ma Grugga announced:
"Gob lead hunting party! Bring back meat or get bashed!"
Quest Accepted: Lead the Idiot Brigade
The Idiot Brigade
I gathered my "team."
A collection of swamp's finest dumbasses:
Pibbit: Chronic mushroom eater.
Splorp: Thought rocks were eggs.
Snagga: Bit her own foot once.
Groggle: Might actually be a frog in disguise.
I sighed.
"Alright, lads. We hunt meat."
They cheered and immediately scattered in five directions.
This was going great.
The Hunt
Long story short — we caught one half-dead rabbit and three angry toads.
Groggle tried to marry one.
Splorp got stuck in a log.
Pibbit ate a rock.
I called it a win.
[Quest Complete: Lead the Idiot Brigade. +150 EXP]
[EXP: 130/800]
Still no skill.
Unexpected Chance Encounter
On the way back, we stumbled upon a human caravan stuck in the mud.
A single human girl trying to pull a cart out of the muck, alone.
A rare event in goblin life.
The boys stared, drooling.
"Oi, Gob… new bride?"
I choked.
"No! No more frog weddings!"
But then my system pinged.
[Potential Partner Detected.]
[Possible Pregnancy Chance: 1%]
Wait… a human?!
I took a step closer.
She glared at me.
"Get lost, green freak."
Alright, not today.
I turned to the boys.
"Okay, lads — we leave her alone."
They groaned.
I wasn't about to get turned into a pincushion by a pissed-off human adventurer.
One day, though.
One day.
The Road Ahead
By nightfall, we returned to camp.
Everyone was too drunk on frog wine to care about the rabbit we caught.
Gringa waddled over again.
"Gob… me think me have twins."
[System Notice: Double Pregnancy Bonus Detected.]
[New Skill Acquired: Mud Sprint (Lv.1)]
[Description: Temporarily increase speed by 30% while running through mud.]
I stared at the screen.
I laughed.
I laughed like an idiot.
Who needs leveling when you can power up through wildly irresponsible reproduction?