Val massages her forehead. It doesn't even matter that her head is already half machine. But whatever is in front of her just won't compute. Her optic implants go static for a bit as she tries to process.
"So, let me get this straight. Your first internship was with Archangel Michael?" she asks.
"Yep! Great mentor. Taught me about swords, nad choosing a great prophet. But very smitey."
"How?"
"Oh you just have to extend your hand like this." A beam of light gathers in his hand, threateningly.
"No! I meant how you became and intern!" She shouted, ducking.
He closes his hand, the light vanishing. "Oh, I was a sacristan for a while and had to save this bishop from being eaten by a demon. Well, the story got far and the next thing I knew—boom! Heavenly internship."
How does that set of events even relate to one another? She exhales as her cybernetics try to calm her down. Various errors appearing in her vision.
She forces a smile. "Can you explain that with more accuracy? And with logic?"
The Captain nods. "No, it checks out, rumors work fast up in Heaven."
"Captain! Not helping!"
"What? It's true. Their break rooms are awesome, they really get people talking."
Felix nods. "Best coffee too."
"Definitely."
Val raises her hands. "Ok, fine. What other skills did you learn from your time with Lord Michael?"
"Well after the swordsmanship, smiting and prophet stuff. I had to learn how to handle and manage his bureaucratic responsibilities. Good customer service for annoying people in heaven. Oh! and leading the heavenly host." Felix counts each one off on his fingers.
Val sighs. She really shouldn't have expected anything different.
Felix widens his eyes. "Also, office politics."
That… she doesn't even know how to react to that. She just reads further, ignoring the actual alarm ringing in her head. "How did you go from there to interning under Asmodeus?"
Felix scratches his cheek. "Well, Asmodeus got lost in Heaven. I helped. Then I got kidnapped."
"Kidnapped!? You got kidnapped!?"
"Yep. I sent Lord Michael my letter of resignation. Signed by Asmodeus."
Eris chirps, "What did you learn from Lord Asmodeus?"
"Seduction? I think? Apparently, it has something to do with lighting and angles… and the complete dissection of the human psyche, and finding the void to fill. Something like that."
Val's eye twitches. Who says that shit? She forces herself to smile. "Of course. career moves like that certainly come to mind when changing industries."
The Captain nods sagely as if understanding something useful.
Teddy slides in. "Forget about the boring stuff. You interned under Merlin. The actual Merlin. How was he!? What was he like!?"
Felix purses his lips. "Chaotic Neutral."
"Woah, that sounds awesome! What's that?"
"Yup, that's just it."
"...ooooh, I don't get it."
"Exactly."
Val stares at the two of them, hoping to find some meaning in that conversation. Her yottabyte of RAM reaches its limit as she tries to make sense of it.
The Captain shakes his head. "Classic Merlin."
She feels faint from the sheer stupidity but reels herself in, coughing into her hand. "Ok, let's move on from that and talk about your skills."
She stares at the words as she mutters. "Experiencing Nonlinear Time."
"Oh yeah, experiencing Nonlinear Time really changes your view. I still sometimes meet my past and future self. It's pretty neat."
The Captain brightens. "Yog-Sothoth, right?"
"Yep! It was a boon after my babysitting job with Shub-Niggurath."
She sighs. Of course, he did. Why would she even be surprised? Her eyes flicker to Everett, who seems deep in thought. Right, this isn't weird here. If someone could marry one, why couldn't Felix babysit? Of course, it's not them that's the problem. It's just her. She runs a hand over her face. She needs a break.
"Oh! Shubs, how is Shubs?"
"She's been well, sir."
"Did she mention me?"
"I don't think so? I never heard of a Solomon Vex."
"Oh wait, how about N̶̪̲̱̾̈́̀ý̸̜͖̣͊z̸̨̮͉̾̔z̷̩̍ỏ̵͇̞͙-̶̥̭͐Ķ̴̯̏̃a̷̛̩͍͒͝é̵̘̻̰l̸̼̜̉̃?"
"Ok, yup, yeah, I've heard of you. Something about being a [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted]."
The Captain sighs. "Oof. Yeah, that tracks. Guess I'll check back in another thousand years."
Everett coughs. "Are you still available for babysitting?"
"Oh yeah, I am!" Felix smiles and pulls out a card. "I'm available on Saturdays or in the evenings if time dilation is involved. Please inform me."Everett takes the card, and it vanishes from view. "Thank you."
Even Mawmaw tilts her head, her dark pools for eyes glinting in recognition. "Do you also perhaps know how to cook?"
"Of course! Uh… Ms. Mawmaw?"
The Captain brushes over her hair. "Yup! Mawmaw! Named her myself. Cute, right?"
Felix nods. "Mawmaw, got it. And yes, I can cook for you on Sundays. Delivery, though, most of the time."
Mawmaw tilts her head further, the darkness in her eyes deepening as her jaw unhinges. "But can you satisfy my endless hunger? The one that devours stars? T̷̗̎̌ḩ̷̍͋͜ȩ̶͇̀ ̸͈͍͂M̵̹̈͝a̶͚͛̉w̶̧͖͗ ̷̞͋̈́t̶̙͉̂̚ḥ̶̃͝à̸̧̪̅t̴̟̐̚ ̷̗̍͝d̶̜̘̎̚ė̵̦̞v̴̼́ͅo̷̹͐u̷̼̽r̵̨͒͝s̵̯̍̈́?"
Val and Teddy slowly push their chairs back. Everett clears his throat. Eris grins. The Captain beams like a proud dad.
Felix asks, "That… depends? How everlasting are we talking about here?"
Val just stares before sighing. She should have known this interview would be complete nonsense. Her eyes flicker to Eris as she gestures to him. "If you're gonna ask him something, better ask him now."
Eris's grin widens. "Then, how did you become the Chaos One's Chosen?"
Val's eyes widen. He gained what!? She looks back down at his resume and, just beneath all the internships, recommendations, and skills, is the sigil of Chaos.
Burning across the paper. Hidden yet obvious. Real yet unknowable.
Felix sighs. "I was hoping no one would notice." He runs a hand over his eyes, and a sigil appears across them. "I really don't know what happened. I was in my bed, trying to sleep, and then my eyes started burning. It was really painful."
She really should've taken that offer for alcohol add-ons. Because this shit is not worth it. She'd rather be drunk hearing this right now.
Eris cackles as Teddy's eyes widen in wonder. Everett nods sagely as the Captain gives Felix a thumbs-up. Mawmaw nods.
"Ok! He's hired!" Val claps her hands. "Anyone against it? No one!? None!? Good! Let's not talk about any of the bullshit in his resume."
She walks away, massaging her head. "I really need a break."
A hand grabbed her collar and she turned to her Captain. "What?"
He winks. "Our newbie is gonna need actual experience and I know just who to teach him." He pulls out a folder out of nowhere, "And I know just the case."
A pit of dread forms in her stomach, "No, I refuse."
He wags his finger at her, "Nope, not allowed."
"Oh, c'mon." She whines as he pulls at her, the folder now in her hand.
A hole forms beneath them as Felix falls beside her, "Good luck on your first job."
Felix shouts, "Thank you!"
Val crosses her arms as she falls through an endless darkness. She has paperwork and now she has to teach the Demi-Eldritch entity known as Felix Calloway.
Felix scratches his cheek, "Um… Ms. Val?"
"What?" She asks, a bit of heat in her voice.
"I know that I'm hired and this might be a little late but what are our benefits?"
"Benefits?" Val raises an eyebrow, "That's really what you're worried about now?"
"Well, I'm sure with you around. We can do anything!" He smiles and she winces.
She ruffles her hair, eye shifting. "Just ask Mawmaw. She could heal you right up… more or less."
"Woah, does that mean we don't have dental?"
"Dental? Again, just ask Mawmaw to fix your teeth or something. She's a especially, a master in anything about the jaw."
"What about hours?"
"Overtime isn't that big of a problem, you can leave whenever you want and just finish your job before you do or give it to one of the skeletons."
"So, we're just mostly fieldwork?"
"Yup, mostly fieldwork and reports about the fieldwork."
He processes the information as a screaming soul latches onto his face.
"But what does that mean…exactly?"
"A.F.T.E.R.L.I.F.E mostly deals with the small fries. So we're left with things that a normal human probably couldn't fathom or get close to without getting killed instantly."
"I see, should I be worried?"
She passes him the report as she picks up the screaming soul on his face and strangles it with her bionic arm. "Just read the mission details. We'll probably have to find the problem first though."
As a light blooms at the end of the darkness, Felix asks. "Wait!? What about retirement?"
Val stares at the white light, and quirks an eyebrow. "No."