Chapter 6
Teddy boops the black hole in his hand before it shudders.
Felix stares at it and shrugs, walking in with a wave, "Teddy!"
He stares in shock before hiding the black hole behind him, "What? There's no black hole here, what are you talking about? Why would I have a sentient black hole on my back. Pfft… that's ridiculous."
Felix stares at him for a while until he breaks down.
"Don't tell anyone please!"
"Why? Is a sentient black hole pet not allowed here?"
"Well, not exactly. The last one was just a bit… bitey."
Felix nods, "I guess he isn't as trained as some of the pets I've seen."
The black hole gravitates around him, like a small puppy.
It purrs around his arm as it excitedly floats.
Felix caresses it, feeling the event horizon between his fingers. And time ceases to exist, the world washes past over his eyes and in an instant the past and the future become one. The unknowable becomes knowable, and the whispers of dark void echoes in his mind.
He stops and asks, "So, what have you been feeding it?"
Teddy scratches his head, "Well, I've fed it about a yottajoule of mana."
"No wonder, it looks malnourished." Felix shakes, "New black holes need organic."
"Organic? Oh you mean like a star?"
"Yes! You can't raise a cute little black hole." He caresses it once more as it purrs. "And expect to just feed it energy. It needs mass, a lot of mass."
"Ohhhh, so that's why he seems really hungry." At his word, Teddys robe unravels, thread stretching towards the singularity. "See? He's been doing that for a while now. First it was my sock them I felt him nibbling my toe."
"Yup, that's definitely a classic case of cosmic hunger."
"Cosmic hunger?"
"Yup, hunger then since it's a black hole. You add cosmic."
"Oooh," Teddy slams his hand together, "I get it."
Felix nods resolutely, "So? Are we feeding it or what?"
"Wait, how are we gonna feed it."
"You're the Strongest Wizard in the Multiverse, you tell me."
Teddy snaps his fingers. "Oh! We could go out to this dead universe I know and—" he freezes.
Felix raises a brow. "And…?"
Teddy grimaces. "I might have forgotten to give him a permit."
Felix squints. "A permit?"
"Yes, a cosmic pet permit?"
"Isn't he… wait it's a he right?"
"I haven't really thought of name yet." Teddy squishes his fingers.
"Okay nevermind that, it at least has a multiversal visa, right?"
Teddy blinks. "Oh, Merlin." He gasps. "I forgot!"
"You forgot?"
Teddy panics. "Wait, wait—does a pet count on that one?"
"Teddy, does a cosmic entity capable of devouring stars need a visa to exist multiversally? Of course it does."
Teddy holds his chest, breathing heavily. "What would happen to it, oh no I can't have another black hole stuck in an interdimensional cage. And it's so hard to break them out of it. I can't lose another wand. Do you know how rare Voidwood wands are? I had to trade half a galaxy for that one."
"Ok, maybe calm down with the illegal thoughts first and let's try to fix this legally." Felix nods, "I've had experience with this at least."
"Really? You did? You've had a pet before?"
"Well not for me, its on one of my internships."
"For who?"
"The Jade Emperor's Dragon had a kid so… I had to fix its papers."
"Ah ok, that makes sense."
Felix grabs the orbiting black hole, "How about this, you hold unto this little guy and we try to have this fixed at the A.F.T.E.R.L.I.F.E."
"But how?"
"Just hide it on your personal dimension or something."
"But it gets lonely…" Teddy rubs his cheek on the black hole.
Felix coos before shaking his head, "It either gets lonely now, or it gets… don't do that."
Teddy pouts, tears forming at the edges of his eyes. "Don't do what?" He holds the black hole up to his face, "Look at it, Felix look at this black hole filled with potential. Will you stifle it with such ferocious trauma?"
He smiles and sighs, "First of all ferocious is a bit much. Just hide it in your robe or something."
"Oh right, speaking of which." Teddy raises his wand as a robe falls from a hole in reality and falls over him, fitting like a glove. He grins as he puts the black hole between his legs. A portal opening beside them, "We should get going."
Felix nods before he stops, "Wait, I feel like I forgot something."
"If you forgot it, it probably wasn't important." Teddy steps through the portal
"Yeah, guess you're right." Felix follows.
Back in their office Val feels another headache.
The two the reappear in the middle of a infinite hallway.
A man sits in the center, glasses perched upon his nose, cigarette on his lips and eyes piercing through the two of them as he sat behind his desk. A stack of paper around him as he lounged in front of the ever expanding hallway.
Felix waves, "Hey Thanis, what's up?"
Thanis studies him, eyebrows raised. "What are you doing here? I heard you found yourself a job in D.E.A.T.H."
"Yup, well. I have a friend here, You've probably heard of him."
Thanis studies Teddy, "Teddy Albright? The last winner of the Wizard Games?"
Teddy nods and offers his hand, "Yup, pleasure to meet you."
Thanis stares at his hand and shakes it, "Sure, why not."
Teddy looks down at his hand, a bit afraid.
"So, what brings the both of you here in AFTERLIFE."
"Well-" Teddy was about to speak
Before Felix cuts him off, "We're trying to get a permit for a cosmic pet."
Thanis crushes his cigarette, "Is it the one under the robes or you plan to make another one?"
Felix and Thanis lock eyes, "How much?"
"Ten thousand and I'll forget about it."
"Deal."
Felix pats Teddy's back, nudging him forward.
Teddy looks back, confused. "What?"
Felix just stares. Then gestures.
Then gestures harder.
Thanis chuckles, lights up another cigarette. "He wants you to pay. Because he's dead broke."
"Oh right, sorry about that." Teddy takes out ten thousand credits.
Felix nods, "Appreciate it, buddy. Also, I'm not broke."
Thanis blows out a smoke, "Good to see you too, Felix."
Thanis snaps his finger and the hallway freezes—then shifts. Doors blur past, faces flicker by, until one door locks into place. 'Cosmic Pet Permit.'
Felix rolls his shoulders, stretching like a fighter before a match. He cracks his knuckles. "Alright, Teddy. You ready?"
"Ready for what?"
Felix grips the door, forcing it open to reveal the nightmare known as bureaucracy.
Countless people as far as the eye can see, all filed on a line.
Robed wizards, sword immortals, dragons and some fourth dimensional being.
Teddy walks forward ready to fall in line, Felix grabs him. "What are you doing?"
"Uh… falling in line?"
Felix shakes his head, "Ok, ok. I guess we have to orient you on this."
"Ok?"
Felix raises his palm. "There are five rules when it comes to permits. First rule of going in a line. You have to make sure you're in the right line." He grabs him, "You have no idea how it feels to spend an hour of your life to just realize you're on the wrong line. And don't even trust the idiots in front of you. If they're fucked you're fucked. Got it?"
"Then where do I ask?"
"That's the second rule ask everyone, everything I don't care how annoying you think you are but ask in front of the line. Or the clerk themselves."
"Ok, got it." Teddy walks away and Felix pulls him back.
"We're not done yet! Rule three! Trace the line, always trace the line. Don't think just because there is a set line, with how long this is it could merge, twist or for the love of God just switch together. Make sure you're in the right line."
"Ok, got it." Teddy walks away again and Felix pulls him back again.
"Fourth Rule line cutters—punch them, I cannot stress this enough. Every line cutter you see has to be punched put in their place, I don't care if he's a sword immortal, heavenly divine general, the swallower of stars or some idiot, punch them."
"Isn't that a bit much?"
"No, it isn't. In fact—it's not enough!" Felix drags a hand down his face, eyes hollow, "That's why we have Rule Five. In these halls, you win or you die, there's no in between. Always be ready to fight, and once a brawl starts, don't think, start swinging and alway show that you're ready to throw down."
"Now, I'm sure you're just messing with me."
Felix grips Teddy's shoulder and spins him around to face the line.
"Look at them, Teddy. Every single one of them—entities with enough power, intelligence, and authority to be considered as multiversal beings. Gods. Immortals. Cosmic nightmares. And yet—" Felix gestures with a grim nod, "stuck waiting in line… like common men."
His voice drops to a whisper. "Think of the ego. The pride. The indignation. This entire hall is a powder keg of resentment. One wrong move—one misplaced breath—and this place burns."
Then, Felix turns Teddy back around, his own eyes haunted.
"Remember my rules, or we're gonna be trapped in this hell for a month."
Teddy swallows. "Okay, okay, I get it! Jeez… So… are we throwing hands now or later?"
Felix squints at the crowd. "Later… at least everyone here seems…" His eyes narrow.
"Too quiet."