Nothing prepared me for the waves of emotion one conversation alone could hold. Venice's mom seemed to have changed, and she changed for the better. She isn't the same woman I had seen from a far four months ago. As we walked side by side on the hallway, she seemed more confident and beautiful even with the way she was carrying herself. The thought that crossed my mind, was if myom hasn't met someone like my dad would she be like this strong woman beside me.
My life started out wrong. Completely wrong.
"I will leave you two alone, from here. Q, we are both aware we owe Venice the grace she deserves, so, please don't hurt her more. Not now, her mind is in such a vulnerable place. Promise me?" Her mother asked and I managed a small smile and nodded. I could promise her that much.
I opened the door and shut it behind me. It was a large room painted in white and a huge window view. It looked different from the entire court house, I locked the door behind me and walked towards Venice who was sitting in one of the comfortable chairs looking at a picture of the therapists family. Cute kids, they looked so happy.
"May I sit here?" I asked as I came to the chair beside her. I hovered over the seat until she let me sit , but she didn't say a word. It was odd not hearing her lash back at me or talk to me or look me in the eyes. I say and followed her line of sight staring into space for a few moments. I was nervous talking to someone who I had talked to so many times, laughed with so many times, it was odd.
"You have questions but I will tell you everything. It's true what I said in court, I didn't stalk you because I was in love with you...I didn't know you to say the least. Coming to America was the most confusing choice I had to make when I was your age. I didn't know the language, I didn't know anything. The couple who lived near you, I didn't do anything to them, I had requested to rent the place as they went to their dream home in Italy. Then I saw you...one random day when I wasn't looking for anything in my life worth waking up everyday to-"
"Then why," she startled me with those two words. Her voice sounded horse and it was quiet. She was a naturally loud person. When she told me once human beings could kill without even trying I was starting to believe that.
"Because in the midst of everything going well with your friends in school. I saw it. I saw the gleam in your eyes when you weren't near either of your parents, or in your room. You had this ridiculously big beautiful smile. Your happiness, made my heart ache. Not because I was jealous but because I don't remember the last time I saw someone smile and shout around like you did. There was a hue around you, something that seemed to open with everything around you. When you came to the coffee shop at Danny's I saw it, you may not have recognised me at first, but your kindness stuck to me."
She didn't say more or react so I went on.
"It was like a surreal view I only saw in movies, I hated movies. Romance seemed so unrealistic if you've never truly seen it with the people who pretended to have it infront of you. The wind sweeping over your hair, your full smile, that little glint in your eyes your scent of tropical bliss. I followed you out of jealousy. How could someone capable of being so happy, make the wrong decisions over and over again. I was reaching my limit, and Jace was the peak of that limit. You might think I was protecting you but it was for my sake.
I shot him and killed him before he killed you. With the amount of women he was sleeping with, he would have gotten you sick. I had to stop it. I had to tell myself I was just making you realise that you were better than scum. Better than all the men you surrounded yourself with."
"What about the paintings? They looked horrific." She said and I let out a light breath and cleared my throat and gently turned to her with my seat.
"They only seemed horrifying when you flipped it over. On the outside it was art of how I saw you from the outside. They weren't meant to scare you, and I admit that was my mistake, horrifying you with self images you don't understand. But it was a blessing, having to talk to you face to face. Fuck it, blessing my ass, I could see how drained you looked the more time we spent with each other.
I am a monster in your eyes, I already know that much. I don't know how I am ever going to pay for my sins in your eyes. Felicity meant alot to you, but I don't understand why I did what I did to her. She wanted me, I could think of looking down at another woman's face if it wasnt yours. Was I stupid for that? Did I hurt you? Yes all of it, but if that moment of having her suffer was what confirmed that you were more than just another person to me, then I don't regret it."
She turned to me, with a disgusted look on her face.
"You're sitting here Q, to tell me that you killed my best friend to prove something to yourself? Don't you have a conscience?"
"The way she was talking about you, saying you didn't seem to want me that she would be a perfect replacement for love you could never give me. I wanted to tell her that I wasn't in it to gain your love. I couldn't. I fucking couldn't I was at a point of no return at that point." I said and she only let out a sigh and turned away. She didn't seem to want to entertain my presence anymore and I understood that. I would expect her to be mad would bring me relief. It hurt. It hurt so much it pulled me to want her attention back. Those eyes that would always look at me with earnest. I ruined it.
"I've never known how to properly love. From the time I was let in on my father's business, I was trained to be that way. My mother was my last redemption, or so I thought, she told me that there was nothing good from expecting love. So I switched off that part of me. I thought bringing someone to their knees would prove that we can both be on the same ground when it came to loving someone. I needed to let them break like I broke. I thought it was mutual. And when I realised you wouldn't break so easily, I gave in-"
"You gave in because I wouldn't submit to you?"
"Wait...no, what I meant was-"
"I think you can tell by now that I don't care what You say by now, Q. In fact I would have loved to live knowing I was just one of your commodities again. A toy you could toss when you were done with me. Make me open up, make me love you, make me out your first, Make me overlook the kind of person you were. Congratulations you got what you wanted, you tore me down, you bite off the slightest hope of love and happiness I had. I bet you achieved your goal. Exactly how you had planned it."
"Venice, no. I want to try to be better. I don't want you to see me like this forever. I need help I know that, I will get help. I will pay for my sins. If we could just-"
"If you tell me that we should forget everything, I swear to god I will hold a gun to your head and fucking blow it off. You made yourself clear, you observed me like some experiment. My confession was a joke to you. I was a fucking joke to you. My distress must have been so funny, playing me like some puppet master, and when I swayed from what you wanted you'll cut a string and increase the horrors in my life."
"I was stupid and wrong. I'm a sick bastard who broke you for my own benefit I admit but, I talked to your mom."
"You telling me you talked to my.mom isn't making you any less guilty or monstrous than you actually are. I hate my mother. For everything you both have put me through, I hate all of you. I hate Tim, I hate my mom, I hate my so called father, I hate you. I hate myself. I just want peace and quiet."
"Venice I could-"
"Peace and quiet. I hate you either very fibre of my being. Nothing you say to justify what you've done or been through will register as you being a victim for anything! What would make you feel better? Me accepting you? I will never accept you regardless of what you try to do." She was lost on me. Fuck. I wanted to grovel and beg her to just see, that I could change.
I got off the chair. And sank to the floor, I put out my forehead on the floor and my arms wrapped around my stomach as I being down completely. I didn't feel shame. I didn't feel the need to speak up over my mistakes. Not for her, not for this woman who had brought me to my knees like I deserved.
"Venice. I am so sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me but please. Don't hate me. Please don't hate me, I'll do better. I'll do better, I'll make it better. I'll pay for everything. Please don't hate me. Please."
There was silence as my head remained on the carpet.
"Get off the floor and leave. You look pathetic. I don't want to see you again, ever."
I raised my head off the carpet so fast.
"Venice."
"Leave. Get out my life. I've had enough, I have had enough. I'm tired..I'm so tired."