I was briefly surprised to see how little he wrote that day. I didn't pay much attention, though, and kept reading. He wouldn't have much desire to write that day, after having spent all his energy at school.
"September 10th. It hasn't improved at all. The first day of school was the day I had to present myself well. No matter what, I was going to be calm, clear my mind, go up to the board, say my name, something I liked, and that's it. After that, I'd make friends. And long after, I'd keep them, I'd have tons of high school anecdotes. But no, I had to fuck it up. My grandiose, gifted mind had to fuck it up, like it was some fucking game.
"I walked up to the board, and I got nervous. Not only did I end up introducing myself poorly, but I also felt like I was completely speechless when I had to say something about myself. I couldn't think of anything better than to say that I like video games and anime. Of course, I said it nervously, with that insecure and indecisive tone of mine. Then I started to hear whispers and whispers, along with some laughter. The teacher told me to be quiet, but she probably didn't give a shit about people talking about me.
"I felt like crying as I walked back to my seat. How can I be such an asshole? So retarded that I can't even be myself for a fucking moment? Am I really that weird? Am I disgusting enough for you to look at me like that?"
"After that, even after that, I had the nerve to try to approach someone. First, a group of girls. They didn't reject me outright, but they couldn't have given me a more curt response. The ones in the group who weren't approaching me were even laughing. And it's not like I learned from that, no, no, with my empty head, how could I possibly learn anything?"
"If I could do that, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wish I weren't."
"I tried to approach a girl who was alone, reading a book, as best I could. It's not like she's antisocial, since I've seen someone talk to her before, albeit only briefly. As soon as I spoke to her, she asked if she could do it later, in a cold tone. She didn't even bother to look at my face while she said it. Maybe she spoke that way to her friend too, but at least she looked at her face, and she seemed friendlier. What bothers me the most is that I speak so fast; she said it as if she didn't want to waste her voice talking to me."
"Obviously, everyone in class heard that, because the son of a bitch, no matter how fast she said it, couldn't say it quietly; she had to shout it from the rooftops. The worst part was that she covered her mouth after speaking so loudly, and everyone could hear her, as if it were a mistake. She was just laughing in my face. I know it."
" The next day, people kept staring at me from time to time. But it seems I've started something else. They didn't say it to my face, of course, but they were calling me 'Weirdo.' I didn't say anything about it; that would only make things worse. Aside from the fact that the nickname was fucking shit, it was embarrassing. Both yesterday and today, I didn't talk to anyone, and I've barely spoken to Riku.
I wanted to run to his room, throw myself at him, and cry, but how could I do that? It would be incredibly disrespectful to him. He already has his problems; HE's the first one to tell me everything when he's feeling down. Why would I want him to worry about me? I'm the older sister; I can't be the type of person who cries about everything. That would only reflect poorly. And also, why do I cry so much? Why can I barely control myself?
"It's humiliating, painful, disgusting. My rotten mind can't think of more insults to describe myself with. I can't use my terrible vocabulary to say anything else. I can only repeat myself like a broken record, just as I repeat over and over again the mistakes I've already made a hundred times. I don't learn. I never have. I've never learned anything in my entire life."
" Am I an 'Adult' already? Seriously? How could I be someone like that? Before being an adult, I should become a teenager, before becoming a teenager I should become a child, and before becoming a child I should be a person. I am nothing. I am not an adult because I haven't matured. I am not a teenager because I don't have friends. I am not a child because I am not interested in anything. I am not a person because I don't want to feel anything. I am nothing. I am not anything. I am the nothingness that is not something. I shouldn't exist. What am I going to get out of trying so hard?
"And even so, I'm not going to stop studying. Tomorrow, the day after, and Friday I have exams, since they delayed them in my other class, but they've already taken them all in this one. I studied during the summer, but I don't know if I'm ready. I'll keep you posted on how they went. I hope I get my grades soon."
" I don't give up because I don't know if I should. I don't let myself do it, but I always say I want to, and I never do. Is it because I'm afraid of giving up halfway through? Or is it because I end up leaving everything I've broken unfixed? Should I even care about something like that? It's stupid. And besides, what do I need to fix, if the only thing broken here is me? Well, good night. And good luck with the exams. You can do it."
"September 11th. Today I had a math test. I think I did well. I don't expect an excellent grade, but I do expect a passing grade. There wasn't anything I didn't understand, and most of the results gave me numbers without decimals, most of them. It's what I've prepared for the most, after all."
" In class, I'm still the same. Even the loudmouth with the book has looked at me several times, albeit directly in the eyes. Honestly, I don't know what that girl wants or what her problem is. Now that you have someone to laugh at, you don't want to read your shitty book, do you? I wish your fucking parents had raised you better.
" This alone makes me regret agreeing to change classes. I should have thought about it, I should have been realistic. I'm not going to get anything good out of something like this. Did I really think I could meet someone? I'm a hypocrite. Instead of focusing on meeting people and making friends, I should have accepted that I am and will be alone, and dedicate myself to learning how to be alone. The rest doesn't matter; I only care about the people who care about me. If it's for them, I'll stay here. I'll do everything I can.
"I won't do it for myself, since I haven't promised myself anything. I don't have any expectations of my own, but everyone else has their eyes on me. Not just them, but society as well. Everyone expects me to become someone. Those who don't end up running away with a rope or drugs. It's the truth, and you have to accept it. I know the world is a shithole. If it were only for the world, I wouldn't live, but for the people in it, I think it's worth living. Anyway, I don't know if it's the best option to strive like this. I will do what I'm expected to do, and in return, I won't bother anyone. I'm the only one who should know myself; no one else needs to know who I am."
" I should start studying instead of talking nonsense. I have no basis or reason to say this, after all. That's all I have to complain about for today. This daily stuff is too much for me. I just throw shit at whatever comes to mind and that's it. I'm leaving now. Good night."
"September 12th. Today I took the Japanese exam. I've always been bad at everything related to writing, and it's been a struggle for me to learn all the signs since I was little, along with some spelling rules and the meanings of some random symbols…"
"I don't think I failed, I hope so, but if I do, it'll be just a hair's breadth. It's not that I didn't study, I'm just not good at it. What worries me now is tomorrow's social studies exam. There's a ton of theory, and when you add in the practice, it looks like it's going to be difficult. It's not the exam I've prepared the most for, because there's very little to prepare for and learn; you just study what's there and that's it. If you do poorly, it's because of a poor summary or organization; there are no other excuses."
"I don't plan to talk about my class anymore unless something relevant happens, so you can imagine how it went. And at what point did I become a storyteller? It's not like this is a story. In that case, it would be a joke."
" I'm going to stop writing. I also have nothing to say, so for now, see you tomorrow. Good night."
"September 13th. Finally, I can get some rest, god. I feel like my whole summer vacation was for nothing. Speaking of summer, weren't there fireworks like two weeks ago? If I've forgotten, I wasn't interested in them in the first place. I don't understand the point of going to see them; it's just a couple of lights in the sky and that's it."
"The reason you go is to see them with the friends you have. Going to those things alone is an incredible waste of time. Even if you go there to make friends, everyone will be too closed off in their cliques to care about you. People who tell you you can be with them, even if they talk to you while you're there, are doing it either out of pity or to be nice.
"No one is interested in something they don't know, and for that very reason, although it might be said otherwise, people tend to reject the unknown more than they seem. Being interested in things is something that is linked to children; people don't thrive on the interest of the new, they thrive on the goodness of the familiar. If you were constantly in an unknown world, you'd be too busy worrying about everything to live."
"Before I forget, I think today's exam went well. I connected the theory well with the situations presented on the exam, and the practice didn't give me anything unusual, or at least I didn't feel out of place at all. I must say, it's strange that all the exams look so good, but for once, I'm going to trust myself. Although that's the least of it right now. The really interesting thing is what happened in class today."
"That bitch from the book came to my seat and talked to me, but not to laugh at me. Just from this, I felt like the whole class had stopped talking to watch this situation. It's like an anime, why does everyone have to pay attention to me? Well, obviously they were pretending, but it was clear they wanted to laugh for a while. The one from the book asked me if I could go outside to the playground for a moment, and even though I listened to her, I knew I was going to come out of this badly.
"A lot of things could have happened. Either she'd mess with me, or her group of friends would harass me, or a guy would steal my money. Maybe I'd even get beaten up, even though I'm a woman. But none of those things ended up happening. The girl, out of sight, and with her balls firmly in place, bowed down to me, apologizing for what she said to me that first day. Not content with that, she went and told me she wouldn't mind being my friend."
"Is it out of pity? A dare? Are more bitches going to come out from behind a tree and laugh at me?" As much as I hated her, I ended up saying yes, more on impulse than anything. No one laughed at me for agreeing, and I barely even spoke to her. Hell, she didn't even tell me her name. Right after that, she left, saying she had to hang out with her friends. Yes, especially a girl who reads in class hanging out with her friends.
" I don't know what I'll do this weekend, probably just stay locked up here like an idiot. As if I even care.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go fuck Riku. I have nothing better to do than piss him off, and I definitely couldn't have expressed myself more negatively right now. Even if I could have deleted it, I wouldn't have, as punishment for being such a fool."
"See you later. I hope you don't get tired soon."
"September 14th. Should I go out with Riku today? Even his friends have pressured me to do it. I've said no so far, but really, should I? I'm not going to upset anyone, right? Even though I want to go out, I still feel like I don't deserve it. I want to do something to deserve it. What should I do? What do I have to do? It's not just that I don't deserve it anymore, I feel like I shouldn't. I feel bad about going out, I'm embarrassed to do it, but I don't even know what I'm ashamed of."
"Anyway, it's not like I feel like doing anything else. I've been staring at the computer screen all day doing nothing. Not because I like staring at the screen, I just didn't know what to do, I didn't feel like doing anything in particular. I ask myself, "What if I do this?" I spend two minutes on it, and I end up abandoning it, returning to where I started. It's a miracle I'm writing this."
"For now, I'm going to bed. It's still 6 p.m., but I don't have anything else to do. Maybe if I put on some music or ASMR, I'll get something done, or at least fall asleep. If I don't write anything else, it means I haven't gone out and I haven't done anything."
"I ended up leaving. I wouldn't say it to your faces, but it was a waste of time. I didn't do anything. It was even worse than being locked in this room, because on top of that, out there, I have to act, I have to pretend to be the person I always am. Is it really that hard to be me? It doesn't make sense."
"I also want to clarify that it's not that they ignored me at the get-together, or that it was boring for everyone. I'm the only weird one who wasn't distracted. The rest seemed to be tired of laughing so much at the end.
"Even though I haven't done anything, I'm tired too, so I'm not going to waste my time with this shit. At this rate, I'm going to end up deleting the file and everything. There's nothing here but crying and shit. I should just delete what I write once I'm done. I don't care about that punishment I gave myself anymore. So, good night."
From that text on, everything that followed happened less than a week ago. With this, I could begin to understand what had happened—at least, I hoped so.
I didn't feel anything when I read, even though I read things I should have been worried about, I read everything so quickly, and so superficially, that I didn't have time.
I just wanted to get to the end, see what happens, know what happened. If I took my time, I'd get cold feet, I'd back out, so I never stopped reading, as fast as I could.