"September 2nd. I'm giving up on this thing. Look, I'd convinced myself to write daily after I started. I'm actually glad; this is pointless, it just makes me look bad. I'll probably delete this someday. Please tell me I did. You'd be doing me a favor if you deleted all of this."
"Look, whatever, I'm going to keep writing. I haven't been doing anything for a while, although I'm going out this afternoon with Riku and his friends. Honestly, I don't know how he can stand me being there with him and the others. If you were to ask me if I consider them my friends, well, it's not normal for me to hang out with them, just because of the age difference. With my brother, I understand, but with them? Am I not old enough for it to be weird? Surprisingly, I do see myself as an 18-year-old, unlike 80% of women my age, who see themselves as 30-year-old whores or slutty kids."
"Why so much emphasis on whores? Because I've never met a woman who wasn't retarded. They're all bad people, some of them self-serving, and in reality, they don't trust the "friends" they have at all; they hang out just so they won't be alone. They have to worry a little about the rest, because if they're apathetic or more selfish than normal, they'll be alone again, so they have to act like they care about you. I'd rather be alone than hang out with people like that. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone; if only I could find someone… Just because they're below them doesn't mean I'm too high."
"Well, back to the topic, I'm done deleting all that, to what I was saying with Riku. I'd like to be able to consider &$%"! , =@º\' ya _¨*^?¿· as my friends, but do they think the same? Maybe they're just being nice to me by letting me hang out with them, but I'm really annoying in the group, and I only cause them trouble. If they're trying to hide that they're tired of me, they're doing a very good job.
"Likewise, even though I can't give them that credit, I'm grateful that they're Riku's friends. I'll never be able to repay them for all that, and I feel bad about it. I'm happy that he's not like me, especially at his age. In part, I'm alone because I want to be, because I'm unlucky, and because I'm very shy, and I guess I have trouble talking to strangers.
"I haven't been to a psychologist or anything like that. I'm not planning on wasting money on something I can already smell. On the other hand, Riku was alone because he was shy. Being shy seems to run in his family, because according to what Mom, Grandma, and Dad's parents told us, he was also shy and timid. The last time I asked Grandpa, on Dad's side, about it, he said he was grateful we both looked more like Dad. He would have loved us just the same if we'd turned out similar to Mom, but it would have been harder to break Mom's "bad habits." I'm not going to digress any longer; in the end, I'm talking about everything except what I did today, sorry.
" And even though I say this, I don't know what else to say. Yes, all three of them are very good people, each one completely different from the other, but they all have so many things in common at the same time. I wish I could thank them one day. I could do it today, but no way, I can't.
"I'm going to say goodbye. Let's see what I put here next time, I'll probably talk about how my day went, but maybe I'll forget, SO REMEMBER TO TELL IT, ^[Ç+? ^[Ç+? ^[Ç+? ^[Ç+?, LISTEN TO ME AND REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Now then, goodbye. "
The more I read, the blanker my mind became. I didn't stop for a second to think about what I was reading; I didn't give myself time to do so. I didn't want to go back yet. I consciously immersed myself in the torrent of text before my eyes, never taking my eyes off the screen.
But, I could still hear that static, in the back of my mind, as if it were a warning that all of this…
I ignored her
"September 3rd. I tell you, there was no way I'd forget to put something down, because I'm retarded. What a fucking shame, for God's sake… So, how was your day? Everything okay? Because mine WAS going well. But I had to screw it up myself. Just because I was with them, they decided to meet for dinner. I didn't even know this, but I wasn't going to turn them down, especially when all four of them had come into my room to ask me out. The whole get-together was fine. For the record, I showered and got ready before leaving; I'm not a slut! Not physically, at least…
"Normally, I wasn't the one who spoke first. They initially forced me to speak, but at some point, I just let myself go. I'm not saying this as if I'd gone too far; for once, I've done something good in my life.
"Dinner was also very good. We went to a normal restaurant, not a fast food restaurant, and ordered there. I was the only one in the group who didn't order a burger; I was even embarrassed that I had ordered a sushi selection after everyone else said they wanted burgers. It's a place they've named after because it's relatively cheap for the menu they have. They do quite a few things, and it's a standalone brand. Plus, it has a pretty nice, tidy atmosphere, and since they tend to eat early when they go there, it's practically empty."
"When they asked me if I really wanted to order sushi, I had to nod out of embarrassment that they'd say something if I changed my order. It's not that I don't like burgers, and I'd never been to this place before, but I was more eager to order sushi. I really like it."
"We were there for two hours: half an hour waiting, another half hour eating, and the rest of the time we spent talking. Although we talked the whole time we were there, that's why it took so long to eat. I felt that, as the oldest, I should pay for everything, out of my savings, of course. I don't even have a part-time job."
"What "ruined" everything for me was what I said before we parted ways. I called everyone's attention and started giving a speech about how sooo grateful I was for them. What I remember most was Riku's face, both surprised and slightly happy and relieved. The rest of them didn't know what to say at first, I guess because I was serious. They quickly said it was okay, and that they were grateful that I was "that guy's" sister.
"Just writing about that moment makes me blush, how disgusting. They also thanked me not only for meeting them at that moment, but for going out several times during the summer. I asked them if I really hadn't ruined anything. They told me the opposite, that even Riku talked more than usual that night. At this rate, I'm starting to think the "humiliated" one should be my brother, not me."
"When we said goodbye, you said you could meet up again another day, the five of us together. I'm so grateful. I truly love you all. I don't know what I would do if I were truly alone. Feeling this way is something I'll never be able to repay. I'm so pathetic that I can't do anything in return; I can only receive. I hate being like this. I'm the only one who earns something, while everyone else has to sacrifice something so I can be like this."
"Were you really serious? I didn't bother you at all? Do I really deserve all this? When did I deserve it? I don't even know why I wrote all that. I'm better now, sorry. Just so you know, I don't forgive you. Oh, you're so mean. Aren't you?"
"I have no idea where this comes from, but writing what I think feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's not something anyone has to read; in fact, I shouldn't; it's like someone's reading my mind without my consent. But if I write it down, I really don't care. As long as they don't hold it against me later."
"I've said everything I need to say for today. I don't understand how I can start crying over something so simple, and on top of that, I'm just remembering it. I'm embarrassed."
"Maybe I'll go out with them again tomorrow. I'll see if I feel like it. I'm going to bed now. Good night. Get some rest. Yes, yes, thank you very much. You're welcome. I'm going to say goodbye to Riku instead of doing this, which is really weird."
"September 5th. I truly feel like these have been the best days I've had since entering high school. My brother had already told me how he felt like he would forget everything and go with the flow when he went out, except for sometimes, when he would just have a normal conversation. I don't know if I should have listened to the last thing he said, since he told me there were times when everyone was just doing stupid things at hangouts, not even thinking about the moment, while he was conscious.
"Thinking about what he said, being constantly self-conscious must be a horrible thing. Having to put up with it all the time, the only time you get to rest being when you're sleeping, must be like torture. There have been days when I've felt that way, but even then there have been moments when, for a second, I've switched off, and I've been able to feel things I'd never feel before. Only to wake up again.
"Didn't that all sound really poetic? I think I should become an author right now, hehe. Mental note, or not so mental note: NEVER WRITE ANY KIND OF LAUGHTER AGAIN, hehe."
"I'm already satisfied with what I've had these past few days. I'd like to have more days off, but oh well. We start classes in four days. Every time I think about it, I get nervous, when normally I'd get depressed."
"This is the first time I've ever felt like going to class. I've never liked studying, but I've always gotten really good grades. I didn't have to put in any effort until I entered high school, and I haven't had a major drop in my grades yet. It seems unfair to me, with people working really hard and struggling to study, only for a lady like me, who spends all day scratching her head, to get a better grade."
"I feel like I should drop out of school, to do myself some justice. I'll probably do that if I see I can't take it anymore. I also don't have any motivation to stay there. I've opted to do it just in case, while I'm studying, I discover my ideal job, and then I decide to go to university. Although that's more or less a lie, since I don't even have the motivation to study hard enough to pursue a degree, I completely pass. If I had something to study for, I might think differently, but that's not the case."
" Next time I come here, I might start bragging about the 1,000 friends I've made in class. I hope not, because I don't want that many friends. I do want at least one. I hope my motivation doesn't fade when I'm there."
The more she read, the longer the texts became. There wasn't even a jump between days, and her narrative could easily get lost in topics that had nothing to do with the one she was talking about. She kept getting carried away.
I felt like I was part of that narrative. Not because I was me, and because she'd mentioned me several times, but because I was someone she was addressing. I existed in that world of letters, both as a reference and in public, as a witness.
It was like a monologue. Did she feel like she was talking to someone?
Until September 9th, all the posts were about anecdotes from the day, with some opinion, feeling, or thought thrown in. The person I was getting to know through this was someone I didn't know at all; I didn't know who she was at all. I wasn't reading about ^[Ç+? anymore, I was reading about her.
The 9th was the day school started for her; I started a day later, on the 10th. I remember perfectly how happy she was that day, before we even left the house. I could tell she was eager to go, so much so that she even woke me up to ask if I was dressed properly. I'm absolutely against incest, but whoever said the uniform looked bad on her was wrong. Long live school uniforms.
It's not like it was anything new—it's last term's uniform, after all—but I could sense, even if I was half asleep, that she looked different. When she came home, she didn't look bad; she still had that smile she'd left with, just not radiating that energy from the morning. She was still happy, so I had nothing to worry about. She'd just be tired.
After that day, he returned to his daily routine, which didn't seem strange to me. I asked him a couple of times how his class was going, and he always said it was fine, better than before. He felt like that change of classes was the best thing that could have happened to him all year.
As the static started getting louder and louder, I decided to keep reading.
"September 9th. I knew it would end like this. Why can't I change? Why am I like this? It doesn't matter, I'm going to sleep. I'll figure out what to do tomorrow."