I have a big black clock.
You that read wrong.
You read that wrong too.
And you read the last line twice to make sure I didn't troll you again.
Anyway, forget all that, the forty Heroes in front of me asked the same question.
"How long?" they asked in creepy unison, like they'd rehearsed this line in a haunted choir.
I was ready to punch air, but then—
"How long have we waited to meet you, my lord," they completed.
Ah. Plot twist.
I smiled like a man who just realized his Tinder match wasn't a catfish.
"Well, I finally arrived."
And yes, I said it like a Marvel character entering the climax scene.
All forty of them clapped.
Then the ten Heroes behind me entered the room…
…And clapped.
They kept clapping.
More claps.
Alright. That's enough claps.
They kept clapping.
Don't make it clap anymore!
"That's enough, everyone." I finally snapped before someone got carpal tunnel.[1]
"Please have a seat," one Hero said.
They were all dressed the same—golden armor, basic broadswords, zero drip. They looked like Power Rangers with trust funds.
Anyway, at the end of the long table sat a glorious throne—crafted, no doubt, by overpaid dwarves on beer and gold which they don't have to take it from a dragon.
It was my seat. Hero King privileges.
I strutted over like a fashion model at a funeral and sank into it with all the grace of a royal slacker.
Only then did everyone else sit down.
Erect, as usual, sat closest to me. Like my golden retriever but with abs.
I cleared my throat to proceed.
"Why are we gathered here?"
And suddenly, fifty brows furrowed like I'd just mooned the Pope.
Did I say something wrong? Should I have also started with how long?
"What is it?" I asked, already tired.
Erect leaned in like a horny narrator.
"My lord… you are the King. You will tell us the purpose of this meeting."
Ah. So I'm supposed to wing it?
Okay, bet. Let's go.
"Fine. Let's discuss the important matters first."
I put my elbows on the table like I was about to drop nuclear plans.
"Who here knows a good joke?"
Because clearly, this Heroverse needs a sense of humor before it explodes from seriousness.
The heroes blinked.
They looked at each other like a classroom full of kids who didn't do their homework.
And also, now that I scanned the room, I realized…
All of them were men.
Where are the women, Erect? You said there'd be girls. I was promised cleavage and booty.
Also, no one's answered my joke query yet.
I slammed the table. "SPEAK."
One Hero timidly raised his hand, probably someone who got bullied in sword school.
"Er… I know one."
"Then tell me. Impress me, jester."
"Knock knock," he said.
Oh. We're doing this.
"Who's there?" I played along.
"Touch."
Oh.
"Touch who?" I asked, watching the joke speed toward me like a truck full of regrets.
"Touch my balls."
...
Wow.
A Walmart version of Ligma.
Ballsy attempt, I'll give him that.
But how do people in this world even know knock-knock jokes?
Did Supreme Man bootleg Earth culture?
"Anyone else?" I asked. Hero Boy sat down, red-faced like a guilty sock.
Another one stood up, brave.
I gestured him to speak and he did.
"My grandfather has the heart of a lion… and a lifetime ban at the zoo."
Nice. I have heard this one.
"Good one." I said and the Hero with a smile sat down.
And it seems after my praise, everyone wanted to flex their funny bones like they were auditioning for Hero's Got Talent.
"Speak one by one. If it's funny, laugh. If it's not, shame them with silence," I ordered.
From the far end of the table, one Hero stood.
He looked like the type of guy who'd sell illegal potions from the back of a gym.
I nodded at him.
He began:
"A woman was walking down the road naked at night and one homeless man came up to her.
He asked, 'Why are you naked? And where are you going like this? And are they real?'
The woman answered, 'I am going to jump off a bridge and die.'
The man asked, 'Why? Don't kill yourself. And are they real?'
The woman said, 'I am dying for professional reasons.'
The man asked, 'What do you do? And are they real?'
The woman said, 'I am porn star but I can't get any views. So I am going to die.'
The man was shocked, 'Just for that? That's not a reason to suicide that too while being naked. And are they real?'
The Woman shook her head. 'I am not going to suicide. I am dying naked because there is a new category of porn coming—Ghost. So I am going to become a ghost, join the industry again and that's why I have no clothes.'
The man widened his eyes, 'You idiot! And are they real?'
The woman raised her brows. 'What's wrong?'
The man told her, 'You can't join the industry if you die.. And are they real?'
The woman began to think but the man spoke again, 'You'll need a man too. How will you act in porn alone? That's why I will die with you. And are they real?'
The woman's eyes sparkled. 'You are right. I haven't even thought of that. Let's go.'
The homeless man smiled and removed his clothes.
Then both of them climbed to the railing of the bridge and jumped down.
In the air, the man asked, 'Are they real? I joined you in this venture in hopes of them being real.'
The Woman showed the man her tongue. 'Why do you think I never answered your question even after you asked it so many times?'
The man's eyes widened. 'Then..'
'They are not real at all.' The Woman laughed.
'You silicon bitch!' The man died with regrets."
…
Alright…
What the hell was that? That sounded like a snippet of a smut novel.
The Hero finished his joke and sat down, proud like he just dropped Shakespeare.
"Don't just sit down after that. What was that?" I yelled.
"That was a joke, my lord."
"That was a deleted scene from a cursed OnlyFans documentary. And does porn exist in this world?"
"Of course."
WHAT?!
"…Where can I fin—er, I mean… really?
"Yes, my lord."
"How many genres?"
"All of them. Some even include Aliens."
"Are you kidding me?"
This world was supposed to be PG-13 with holy background music, and now I'm hearing about alien tentacle subscriptions?
"Yes," the Hero said.
"What? You were kidding?"
"Yes."
Ah. Relief. The world isn't completely deranged—
"Not some of them include Aliens. All of them do."
…
I held my head like it was about to explode into an NFT.
This Moral world has more categories than a shady site with bad pop-ups.
Everyone went silent. Even the air gave up. I had to take control. This was spiraling faster than my GPA in 9th grade.
I stood up from the throne like a disappointed principal about to cancel recess.
All the Heroes stood too.
But I didn't care about them. I had one mission now:
To restore dignity. To cleanse the filth.
To uphold honor in this corrupted, alien-fetish-filled world—
I turned to the Hero with the most cursed joke and declared, with the iron authority of a man who's seen too much:
"Show me the porn."
[1] "Carpal tunnel" refers to a medical condition called Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. It happens when a nerve in your wrist (the median nerve) gets compressed, usually due to repetitive hand movements, causing pain, tingling, or numbness in the hand and fingers.