Normally, Ren avoided frequent communication with classmates, but Ayanokouji was different. Ren sensed that it was impossible to form a genuine friendship with him, because Ayanokouji was completely indifferent to emot ion. No matter how Ren provoked him, he remained a blank slate, interested only in extracting useful information. He felt no shame in asking for advice from someone who had just insulted him.
Ren figured that if a close friend of Ayanokouji's were to pass away, Ayanokouji would feel, at most, a mild regret at losing a convenient tool.
Ren valued fairness. He didn't want to owe anyone anything, including feelings. Since Ayanokouji wouldn't develop any feelings, Ren didn't have to offer any in return. There would be no sadness at their eventual parting. In a way, Ayanokouji was the perfect acquaintance. He was a tool for conversation, a way to relieve the boredom.
Ren saw Ayanokouji as a poisonous snake—lazy and harmless-looking, but incredibly dangerous. Interacting with him felt like being out in the wild, not in a school. It was thrilling. He was a snake charmer, and Ayanokouji was his snake. In return, Ayanokouji got information and could use Ren's overt abnormality to mask his own. It was a perfectly symbiotic relationship, devoid of affection.
"A club," Ren explained, "is a group of students with similar desires who band together to request resources from the school. They use public funds to satisfy their private passions... so long as those passions are legal."
"So, should I join a club to express my desires?" Ayanokouji asked.
"Up to you," Ren shrugged. "But remember, not wanting to participate in group activities is a desire in itself."
"Will you be attending the briefing this afternoon, Ishikawa-kun?"
Ren nodded. He did plan on joining a club. It was a potential loophole. The school forbade students from leaving campus, yet he'd found articles online about the school's clubs winning national and even international competitions. How could they compete if they couldn't leave? It was the perfect way to get "outside" and "relax" before he was finally expelled.
"You plan on joining?" Ayanokouji noted. "You seem eager. We should go together after school."
Ren stared into Ayanokouji's eyes for a few seconds. They were completely empty. The suggestion wasn't malicious; it was delivered with a profound and infuriating lack of awareness.
Before Ren could respond, another voice cut in. "He has more than just desires," Horikita said, seeing an opening and stabbing with her usual venom. "His desires are overflowing. They're pathological. The only solution is to cut out the lesion. Am I right, scumbag?"
Ren instinctively squeezed his legs together and crossed his arms over his chest. "You're harassing me! You female hooligan, I'm reporting you!"
"What?" Horikita looked momentarily flustered. "Harassment? I was referring to his prefrontal lobe. A lobotomy would remove his desires. What does that have to do with harassment?"
"The frontal lobe is harassment too!" Ren shot back. "Think about it. If someone of the opposite sex kept insisting on touching your head, wouldn't you feel harassed?"
Horikita actually seemed to consider it. "I suppose I would, but I was talking about the frontal lobe specifically."
"Is touching a face harassment?" Ren pressed.
"Yes."
"Ears?"
"Yes."
"Hair?"
"Yes."
"Tongue?"
"No."
"Huh?" Ren was surprised.
"Touching the tongue... inside," Horikita said angrily, "is already obscenity! It's perverted!"
"So, your last name isn't Harassment?" Ren mused.
"It was not."
"So you wanted to molest me?"
"What?!"
"You said things 'outside' are harassment, but things 'inside' are obscene, right? The frontal lobe is part of the brain. It's 'inside.' You actually want to touch my frontal lobe! Horikita-san, you want to—"
Horikita, unable to win with words, forgot her crushing defeat from the day before and threw a punch to interrupt him.
Ren dodged it easily.
"You two have a really good relationship," Ayanokouji observed from the side, having watched the entire interaction.
Ren was shocked. "You call this a 'good relationship'?"
Horikita just glared coldly at Ayanokouji. Worried he was attracting unwanted attention, Ayanokouji quickly explained, "I don't really understand. I just heard others say that when people flirt in public like you two just did, it means they have a good relationship."
Hearing this, Ren Ishikawa broke into a wide, proud grin, as if his evil plan was succeeding perfectly.
Ren couldn't help but smile. Though Horikita was an unwilling partner, the class's misunderstanding that they were a couple was a perfect shield. It would attract the hatred of any potential suitors and keep the "love-brained" girls at a distance.
"If you think shaking your fists is a sign of affection," Horikita said coldly, noticing his smile, "I can provide you with 'friendly interaction' until you can't move."
Ayanokouji, wanting to defuse the situation, quickly changed the subject. "Horikita, we're going to the club briefing this afternoon. Do you want to come along?"
"I don't... wait, the club briefing?" she paused. "Yes, I do want to go. But not because you invited me. You just reminded me that I had planned on it."
Ren cut her off. "Stop, don't explain! Others will think you're a tsundere. Your iceberg persona is very important to my plans, so please don't ruin it!"
Is that what a tsundere is? Ayanokouji silently wondered, making a note in his mental "Observations of Ordinary People" log. You have no idea, Ren. Thanks to Hirata, you're the one everyone thinks is a tsundere.
That afternoon, there was a self-study period. Hirata used the time to finally hold the self-introduction session that Ren's antics had derailed on the first day.
This is my chance, Ren thought. He needed to accelerate the process of making the class hate him. His "expulsion by assault accusation" plan with Kushida was in motion, but he had to ensure no one, especially the "love-brained" girls, would try to defend him or investigate the "truth" afterward. If they did, Kushida might hesitate to report him, and his entire plan would collapse.
He decided on a strategy. He would sit back and carefully observe everyone's self-introduction, taking note of which speaking patterns received the worst feedback. Then, when it was his turn—last, of course, as the occupant of the protagonist's seat by the window—he would combine all the most annoying, arrogant, and pathetic elements into one masterclass of cringe. He couldn't possibly copy the answers incorrectly if he was aiming for the lowest score.
The introductions began. A shy girl named Airi Sakura mumbled her name and hobby ("sewing") so quietly she had to be encouraged by the class to speak up.
Then came Yamauchi Haruki, whose introduction was a tapestry of obvious lies. He claimed to have played in the national table tennis tournament in elementary school and the high school baseball league as a middle schooler before an "injury" cut short his promising career. Many students snickered.
This is good, Ren noted. Very stupid. I'll use it.
Next was Kanji Ike. "My name is Ike Kanji! I like girls and hate handsome guys! I'm looking for a girlfriend!" Several girls shot him looks of disgust. When one sarcastically said, "You're so handsome, Ike-kun," he replied with a completely earnest, "Really? I think so too!"
Excellent, Ren thought. Truly disgusting. Copied.
Ken Sudo, remembering the girls' comments about his bad attitude, surprisingly tried to be cooperative. He stood up and mumbled, "I'm Sudo Ken. I like basketball. Uh... that's it." He then sat down abruptly.
Finally, it was the turn of the man sitting a few seats in front of Horikita, Koenji Rokusuke. He didn't even stand, simply leaning back in his chair with an aristocratic smile. "My name is Koenji Rokusuke," he announced, his voice oozing self-importance. "I am the sole heir to the Koenji chaebol and a man who will one day shoulder the responsibility of Japanese society. Anyone who gets in my way will be dealt with."
His speech succeeded in attracting the universal hatred of the entire class, male and female alike. He instantly became the most despised person in the room.
Ren, however, was not filled with hatred. He was filled with awe. A God of Sarcasm! A man worth fighting! he thought with glee. This is amazing! I must copy it!
But then a thought struck him, a serious problem. Koenji was a "real boss"—an arrogant, chaebol heir. Yet the girls hated him. Ren had acted like a "boss" and they'd somehow fallen for him. Why? I have to figure out what they like about me, he resolved, so I can change it!
After a few more students, including a silent Horikita and a stammering Ayanokouji, it was finally Ren's turn. He glanced at Koenji. The title of 'Most Annoying Person in Class'—hand it over.
He leaned back in his chair, mirroring Koenji's arrogant posture.
"I am Ren Ishikawa," he began with a defiant smile. "The successor to GCism, inheriting the glory of my revolutionary predecessors. When I dislike something, I can't help but say unpleasant things. And when I do, you must remember: your feeling is correct. I am, in fact, insulting you. I know this is rude, so I permit anyone who feels offended to come and hit me. I promise I will definitely hit back."
The class was momentarily stunned by the unfamiliar term "GCism." Only Wang Meiyu, another international student from China, and perhaps Koenji, would understand the reference to communism—the ideology of "fighting landlords and beating up local tyrants." To everyone else, it just sounded grand and powerful, as if Ren were the heir to some secret, influential organization, a force no less potent than Koenji's chaebol.
But the rest of his speech was easy to understand. It was a direct provocation. Immediately, the entire class glared at him, including the girls who had been blushing just that morning.
Ren wanted to jump for joy. It worked! Imitating Koenji was incredibly effective! He still had two more templates—Ike's and Yamauchi's—left to use. He prepared to continue his assault.
But at that moment, Koenji interrupted, his voice laced with amused irritation.
"Ha. How dare you imitate me? I do not enjoy sharing the spotlight. And to tarnish my beautiful speech by twisting it to target me? Congratulations, you've succeeded. I am now in a very bad mood."
Koenji's eyes glinted. He, unlike the others, understood the subtext. GCism's glory? Fighting landlords? He thought. My family is one of the biggest landowners in Japan. Are you planning to 'beat me up, the local tyrant,' and 'divide my land,' little Ren Ishikawa?
"I remember you now, boy," Koenji said, a predatory smile spreading across his face. "I accept your challenge. Though, of course, the winner in the end will be me."
The rest of the class was baffled. Ren's speech was directed at Koenji? they wondered, their minds reeling as they tried to decipher the hidden meaning behind the strange confrontation.
____________________________________________________________________________
Check out my Patreon to access advanced chapters.
patreon.com/UrbanQuill
Part 3 Of The Slacker's Guide to Surviving the Heian Court is out for free so check it out on Patreon.