If I may I want to ask you an intresting question.
"What's the point in continue to live on, if there is nothing in your life which you look forward to."
Don't get me wrong here, I am not some kind of a depressed guy with suicidal thoughts.
But yet I can't help but to wonder why people continue to live knowing perfectly well how meaningless their life truly is.
For me, I live a life which is devoid of any colour there is no blue,red or yellow all I see is grey.
Whenever I walked on the street I saw people who also lives in same colourless world as I do.
I can see their lifeless eyes which they hide behind their glasses ,their blank expression which they hide behind their smile, their life which is devoid of any sign of happiness no matter how much they want hide I can clearly see them all.
They are unsatisfy with their life, yet the continue to live.
You know why , because there is something they have been keep holding onto and you know what it is.
It's hope,hope is something a man dream's of while keeping his eyes open.
He spends rest of his life hoping maybe someday his colourless life will find it's colour, oneday all the hard work he's been doing will be recognised by someone and finally maybe little bit late but he'll find his true happiness.
But who will tell this fool that, there is nothing called hope is this hopeless world. He's mistaking his sweet dreams for his future. And he'll never be waking up from his delusion until death will knock upon his doors step.
Hope is like a sweet poison which a person keeps on drinking like a addict and there is no rehab can fix it.
I don't even feel pity for them cause deep down I know that I was also the same.
The only difference between them and me is that I don't have any hope left within me to believes in.
Unlike them whom dispite living in pain never commit any crime. I was a sinner, a killer, a murderer, my hand had been painted in deep shades of crimson by the blood of the victims I had killed. Many were criminals and some were innocent but who's asking it doesn't lessen the crime that I've been committed.
But dispite doing all these I been strolling on the street freely like any regular citizen. There is no crime record or any type of charges against me it's like dispite being a living and breathing being I don't exist here at all. All my actions are either being ingnored or got forgotten.
And here I'm despite carrying on all the sin within me continued to live.
Now I felt like death is like mercy for someone like me.
I thought I'll be forever to live like a wondering lost soul. Until she comes into my life.
She comes like a magic spell cast by a professional magician waiting for his perfect chance.
When I was drowning on the pitch black darkness she was like my saving light.
At first I found her annoying but as the time passes by I found comfort in her presence.
And as time passes by, I found that the smile that I had lost many years ago is slowly returning to my face.
Smiling and laughing at her silly tactics I truly felt like I was truly alive.
Sometimes I question myself do I truly deserves this happiness, am I truly allowed to be loved by someone, am I allowed to be forgiven from all the wrong doings that I've been committed.
But despite having so many of questions in my head I know none of them are gonna be answered. Right now all I can do is to savour these moments that I have with her like these were my final grace given by god and pray that our little day's of happiness will continue to last as long as it can.
*************
There was a saying that, if you want to make a person to feel what true despair really is, then just let him taste a little bit of happiness first.
And that what exactly happened, when I was truly believing that I was finnally gonna be accepted for who I was.
That's when despair comes in, a sudden betrayal by a person I least thought it would going to be.
One cannot take love for granted cause, it won't last forever.
But never had I imagined that love is going to be the reason for my death.
And there She was, standing with a bloody knife in her hand, which stained in deep red with my blood.
Her eyes which one's held affection and love are now staring at me coldly and emotionlessly.
Never had I imagine that a person who is so warm and loving had such a cold side to them, that is even capable to froze my soul.
And there she is standing there completely still watching and judging at my miserable state that I was in.
After staring at me for few more seconds she starting to walk towards my direction.
It's finally look like she's going to end my misery. But against my expectations she just walked past by me, leaving me all alone on the cold empty ground and left me to bleed to death.
It's ironic isn't it when I wish for death more than anything it's always ignored me but when I finally have the courage to move on and wants to live again it come back like a jealous lover.
And here I am lying on the cold floor bleeding to death.
Blood continues to bleeds out from all the stab wounds on my body.
Even in my final breath I was just thinking about her.
All the good and bad memories that i have are all occupied by her.
Who i am and what's my story?
I am just a name less person who somehow now in his death bed that's all there it is to know.
If i had some more time then maybe i had share my story with you all but
right now all i fell is coldness in my death my vision becoming more and more blurry and all i hear is ringing sound in my ear all the noise of the background becomes distant.
And finally i felt the warm in my final movement as the darkness fully
consume me.