Hey!
I will start by saying this: You all are crazy! LOL
Thank you kindly for 3100 Views overnight with the last O.J.M. V02 post!
I would love to give a HUGE shout out to all of the locations that I know are reading along!
United Kingdom!
United States!
Palestinian Territories! (May freedom and peace find them.)
India!
And
Kenya!
And over on the Spanish end we have:
El Salvador!
Mexico!
And
Venezuela!
While I am sure there a more of you out there, the algorithm just has yet to locate you lol.
Nonetheless, thank you kindly.
Each and every one of you.
Known or not.
You keep me going, and give me the will and motivation to continue this mildly cringe, semi-invasive, kinda motivational, wildly weird, oversharing, and I really appreciate that.
Young me would have appreciated you all as well.
Maybe.
I don't know how he would have felt knowing that several hundred people are reading his old journals...
Hmmm...
I guess I didn't think about that.
Well...LET'S GO ASK!!!
ENJOY!
(Activates several knobs so quickly that I think I flipped the wrong one!)
BLEEEEEEEP, BLURP, BLOOOOOOOOM!
-----
August 6th, 2013.
Journal #068.
-----
I am XXXXX's nerd.
That in itself is a good enough journal entrance.
-End.
-----
Okay, just kidding.
But still. It could be.
I picked up a notebook to help me write without worrying about my phone trashing work that I will never see again.
She lives to challenge me.
Good think I like to be challenged.
"Just like in the movies...Just do it."
Some things just happen, right?
Just like a picture, a kiss is worth a thousand words.
But if used wrong, if given wrong, It can mean nothing.
I have so many words for her.
And she has just two lips that I want.
Two more, if we are being inappropriate.
So...
Let's do the math.
Me, 24.
+1.5 years = 26.
Her in 1.5 years: 29.
Plus two words.
Could equal so much.
Hmmm.
God, I am a nerd...
Could I love me if I were anyone else?
"That's why you love me."
She said.
She's always right...
-----
(Splurps back into 2025 with a wiz, a bang, and a soft pop!)
Well...
I didn't find Young me, but I did find my back to 2025!
I don't even know that I really went anywhere, but I suppose that this is for the best.
I don't know if Young me was emotionally mature enough to handle this sort of thing, you know?
And what would I have said to him anyway?
Wait...I have a few ideas, lbvs...
Sheesh.
Hmm. If given the chance, I don't know that I would change anything.
Yeah, i went through my fair share of shit...but look at where I am now.
Here.
In front of YOU.
Things happen for a reason, you know?
One persons worst heartache quickly, and easily becomes another persons favorite song or poem.
Such is life.
Such is the will and balance of the Universe.
Yeah?
Let me get back to what you call came for lol.
-I was her "Nerd Boy" as she would call me. Pet names are very intimate for me, so I took it very personally, and I can see now that it lover bombed the shit out of me into a deeper form of submission.
I am always quite submissive to my significant other, but she had a hold on my heart that I had never felt before. I was enchanted by her.
-She always went against anything I had to say. Looking back now, that should have been a huge red flag, you know? Like, where was the support? The backup? It was kind of wild...again, things that I let slide because I was so in love. Please, try to look past the glitter and shimmer that comes in the early dating phases, folks...it could save you a decade of your life and time, lbvs.
-You want to know something? We had only kissed maybe twice by this point. No sex, no oral sex, no hands held, no nothing lol. I was fully and genuinely smitten with her. I was also well aware that she was still talking to her someone, and I was far from a homewrecker. I was just hoping that my time would come.
Guys, beware of THAT guy. The "friend" that she has who may be madly in love with her, and just waiting for his chance.
Ladies, beware of THAT guy. The "friend" who you may have, who you may or may not know is madly in love with you, and is just waiting for his chance.
Not al of these guys have a good moral core...
Some of them are just fuck-boys.
This is a thing among ladies as well.
Some people are just snaky.
I was not. I had come to terms with being just friends with her, regardless of what I felt.
I had been resigned to the idea of life only giving me half.
If you've been reading along to this point, you know me enough to know what I mean by that.
-"So...Let's do the math..." Lord, folks...I was so fucking corny! But I still kinda am, so....
Shit, take me as I am! lol.
-Two words? "Fuck me!" I wanted to sooooo bad!
I'm kidding! I was dreaming of marrying this young lady.
Man...I was soooooo in love. Soooooo captivated I was thinking about a ring and the wedding style and the season, and the invites, and so much more.
Love.
It will have you that way, folks.
That's okay!
Just make sure that the feeling is mutual...
-"Could I love me if I were anyoneelse?" Yes. Fuck yes. I love the shit out of myself. That took me so long to find...that true, deep, palpable love of self.
Fuck yes, I could love someone as weird, wild, curious, and cringe as myself.
Why not? I could love me deeply.
-The power dynamic was real, and horrible between us. She was nearly in complete control of my emotional core, and even up till RECENTLY (as in 2025) she sill had that effect at times. I think (and am pretty sure I know) that I had some real and potent mommy issues. I grew up with my biological mom and a plethora of half-siblings up until about 11/12, and then I was unceremoniously thrust into the foster care system for the remainder of my childhood.
The Detachment issues, and Separation Anxiety still linger til this very day.
I love my mom. My dad.
But man...they really dropped the ball when it came to me, and my early life, you know?
It can be hard to look back at times and not feel a bit...bitter....resentful of my parents, you know?
I try to remind myself that they were so young. So very young.
My mom was 20, and I was her 4th child in 1988.
My dad was 25, and I was also his 4th child in 1988.
That is wild.
I love them.
They gave me life, regardless of how much or how little they nurtured and guided that life.
I am here.
With all of you.
And regardless of what choices YOUR parents made, you are here with me too.
Lets keep going.
Together.
I will see you all back here next time, yeah?
I hope so.
I love you all, and I may have grown a bit of an attraction lol.
A platonic one, that is!
Have a happy 4th, if this find you today, and if you celebrate.
Till next time, safe travels folks.
Go hug and kiss your parents.
If they are no longer here?
My condolences, and I am sending them and you nothing but positive energy.
I am sure that they did their best, you know? Life is...many things. Hard is one of them. Let the pain and resentment go. It can be so very, very heavy.
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.