Only an immensely stubborn person could choose not to learn from their mistakes.
It'd be easier to walk down a familiar path, beaten by his own feet, charted by his own hand, instead of darting into a great unknown. But what choice did he have when the familiar path ended in a pitfall?
He had to fix the mistakes of yesterday. And all that stared with Hide.
"Hey," he said, speaking in a hoarse voice, for his throat had constricted on its own accord. He cleared it hurriedly, taking quick strides toward his apartment door. He thumbed the mantle, reaching with rapidly drumming fingers to find the spare key he'd long since hidden. "Um… hi."
"You sound terrible," Hide remarked brightly. "Do you want me to head over there after class? I took a bunch of notes for you, since I know you'll tear your hair out trying to catch up, and I can bring you some real food, since I bed hospital grub is like, cookie cutter cardboard shit."
Hide hardly took a breath when he spoke. He had a loud, piercing voice that poured and overflowed like a guttering waterfall, roaring and sharp and unmistakably natural. No one could blame a waterfall for its volume, and that was just the way with Nagachika Hide.
Kaneki rested his forehead against his door, his eyes closed contentedly as he simply listened. It was a relief to hear his voice.
He was so safe and distant from all the horror. Did Kaneki really want to drag him into it?
Remember the alternative, a dark voice murmured from the back of his brain, the whisper shuddering like winter wind and spreading to the front of his head. His entire skull felt the chill. His eyes snapped open.
"Kaneki?" A slight spike of worry trickled into Hide's tone. "Don't worry about it, buddy, I can visit tomorrow or something, if it's too much right now."
"No, no, that's not it!" Kaneki snatched the key from the mantle, stumbling back from his door and taking a deep breath. "Sorry, I'm a little, um…" He ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes flashing around the hall. "Out of it…? I guess…? I don't think the morphine's fully gone away yet."
"Oh, so you're high? That explains it!" Hide barked a sharp, hearty laugh. "This is truly a momentous occasion! I've never had the pleasure of witnessing a high Kaneki Ken! Please, please, narrate the intricate details of your trip!"
"It's not that kind of high, Hide," Kaneki told him gently.
"Boo. You're so disappointing."
Kaneki found himself smiling, running his thumb over the surface of his house key. It was an incredible thing to speak to Hide so frivolously, free of anxieties and free of uncertainties. It was as though there had been a great divide between them before, and now Kaneki could experience the weightlessness of having a best friend again.
"So I've been told," he said, stepping up to his door to unlock it. "Listen, you can go ahead and visit me."
"Ah! Really? Awesome, I'll be at the hospital—"
"I'm not at the hospital," Kaneki cut in sharply, turning the key and pushing his door open. There was a blast of nostalgia upon the simple aroma of his old apartment hitting his nostrils. It wasn't any particularly strong scent. It just smelled familiar and distinct, as any home might. The vague dwelling of a college student always smells so very stale and warm, the fluctuation between underuse and overuse shooting lines on a heart monitor.
"Excuse me?" Hide's frown was so loud that it had an actual, legitimate sound. It sounded like a child's feet stomping impudently. "Where are you, then?"
"I went home."
"You went home? Hold on a minute, let me ring the dumbass bell!" Hide whistled three sharp, vicious little notes into Kaneki's ear. They pierced through his eardrum, and he winced from the shock of the pitch. "Ding, dong! Looks like we've got a total dummy on our hands! Time to initiate emergency protocol."
"I'm fine, Hide," Kaneki sighed. "Honestly, they wouldn't have let me go home otherwise."
"You were like, in a coma, bro, you do understand that, right?"
"And now I'm awake and in my living room." Kaneki kicked his door shut. A chill ran down his spine, for everything around him was so immaculately displaced, perfectly out of order, frozen in dishevelment. A dead boy had left his home one day without tidying, and there were traces of his life smeared across this pretty still life painting he'd walked into. Notes strewn about the table, a textbook fallen open on the floor, a backpack resting against a wall, open and overflowing with books and pens. There was a mug of half-drunk coffee resting on the table beside the strewn about notes, white film floating on the murky brown surface.
"Okay, just making sure." Hide's tone had changed from sarcastic to easygoing. "I'll be there soon, okay? I'm gonna skip my night class, so do you want me to pick something up? I can grab some snacks or a movie, or something."
"Don't skip class for me, Hide," Kaneki gasped, feeling mildly guilty, but also irritatingly pleased.
"Nah, don't worry, I've got a guy who'll let me copy his notes. So snacks? I can find that funky popcorn that you put on the stove, and it makes like a weather balloon before exploding, we could—"
"No, don't bring any food." Kaneki was sad. The mere idea that Hide was proposing, having a movie night and making popcorn and simply enjoying the company of the other, that sounded so sweet and normal and enticing, but it was impossible. "I'm… having trouble keeping stuff down right now."
"Oh. Right, no food then. I'm still renting a movie, though. Let's do a comedy! American, do you think? Oh, we could do older movies. Have you ever seen Citizen Kane?"
"Um, no."
"No? Rosebud? No?" He was saying things in English that made no sense to Kaneki, and at this point he was wondering if Hide was just throwing random English words together.
"Was it a book first?" Kaneki offered. "I might have heard of it if there was a book."
"You're hopeless." Hide scoffed. "I'm getting it. I'll enrich your cinema history. It's like one of the greatest films of all time."
"Okay…"
"Okay!" Hide sounded very pleased. "I'll be there soon. In case you're thinking of changing the locks before I get there."
"You don't have a key, so I don't see why that would matter."
"Oh. Do I not have a key?" Hide laughed nervously. "Of course. Of course, I mean it's, it's not like I had one made, or anything—!"
"Hide. What the hell?"
"It was a joke. Because you keep your spare key in the most obvious place." Hide sighed loftily. "I'm surprised you didn't get mortally wounded sooner, honestly."
"I'm hanging up," Kaneki said, though he didn't really want to.
"Fine, fine, I'll be there in a few." And then Hide hung up, leaving Kaneki feeling both giddy and horrified. Because now he had to deal with this. He had to deal with Hide. How strange that was, to actually confront him.
The first thing Kaneki did was grab the mug from the table and dump its contents out into the sink, for the scent of days old coffee was nauseating. He washed out the glass, noting the dirty dishes in the sink and cursing his past self for being so lazy and comfortable in his life that he didn't consider the possibility of being suddenly uprooted in the near future. Past Kaneki, he decided, was a total imbecile.
He wanted to shower, but he wasn't sure if he'd have time, since Hide was ungodly fast when he wanted to be. He was also keenly aware of his clothing, the powder blue hospital garb that someone had placed him in. He didn't like that. He didn't like the idea that someone had dressed him without his consent, even if it was necessary and inevitable.
His stomach was no longer hurting, which was mildly concerning. He'd been asleep for his transition into a ghoul, both figuratively and literally, but knowing now what he knew, everything felt out of place within him. Was it that he was unused to a human body?
Well, anyway. He'd deal with it. Even if this body was significantly weaker than the one he'd left behind, he could find a way around that. He had to, right? If he wanted to protect everyone.
As time ticked by, and he grew more anxious, he decided to shower for the sake of easing his nerves. He left the door unlocked and put a note on the coffee table, figuring that Hide, being Hide, would simply walk in if his knock was not answered within thirty seconds. He went to the bathroom, taking a spare pair of clothes with him, and peeled the flimsy hospital shirt off. His body was just as flimsy, but Kaneki saw more meat on his bones than he was used to. His ribs were barely visible. The bandage that covered his surgical scar also covered a healthy bit of fat, which had previously been hard muscle.
He decided to do away with that bandage. The scar was ugly and pink, stitches clinging to the taut flesh. He turned on the water, watching it gutter and spit from the showerhead, and he traced the scar idly. Scars. How foreign these things had become.
Showering proved to be for the best. He leaned into the hot water, relief tingling in his joints and his uncoiling muscles. He hadn't thought about it until now, until the solace of the steam and water pressure hit him, but he was sad. He was sad as hell. He didn't know what he was going to do. He was still living in disbelief, feeling that he might wake up to the horror of the Anteiku raid at any given moment.
Why am I back here, he wondered, and what am I supposed to do now?
Screaming would be nice. It'd settle his toiling thoughts and feelings. Yes. Screaming would be fantastic.
He didn't scream, though.
He just let the water do its job, and wash away the grime of today, of yesterday, and prepare him for the mud of tomorrow.
He exited the shower quickly, hearing someone moving around outside the bathroom door. That was his cue. He dried himself as hastily as he could, throwing his clothes on haphazardly. He didn't know what he was going to do with Hide. With… everything. This was just all so sudden, all so confusing, and he was not even remotely prepared.
"Yo, Kaneki!"
Hide was lounging on Kaneki's couch. He sat up as Kaneki exited the bathroom, waving in an idle but frantic manner.
"You look lively," he remarked, smiling big and bright and bold, his eyes lighting up so intensely that the corners of them crinkled from the strain.
"Do I?" Kaneki asked faintly. He didn't feel very alive right now. He didn't think it'd be particularly polite to ask if maybe, possibly, he was dead. It seemed to be the only explanation.
"Uh, no." Hide rolled his eyes, still beaming. "You honestly look really bad. A living corpse. You need to eat something."
"Never mind that." Kaneki tussled his hair with his towel, hoping it'd dry quickly. It was shorter than he was used to. "Hide… listen. I have to talk to you."
"Talk then?" Hide looked curious. As Kaneki stared at him, he began to realize that Hide…
Hide was someone that Kaneki had never understood.
If Nagachika Hideyoshi were a novel, he would be written by Ernest Hemingway. He was the theory of omission personified, and that was terrifying to behold.
How had Kaneki lived so long in this rotation without realizing he knew nothing about the sun he was circulating?
"What?" Hide tilted his head. "What's that look for?"
"Hm?" Kaneki blinked rapidly, and he laughed, scratching his chin. "I'm just glad to see you, that's all."
"Oh yeah?" Hide shot him a wicked grin. "You missed me. Admit it."
"I missed you," Kaneki said, dropping his hand to his side. He glanced up at the ceiling, anxiety knotting up in his stomach. He was making assumptions based on the future-past, presuming that Hide would take everything fine, that there would be no weirdness between that. That was foolish. "Hey, can you do me a favor?"
"Yeah, sure." Hide draped his arms over the side of the couch. "What do you want?"
Kaneki strode up to the couch so he was hovering over Hide, his shadow yawning and swallowing him up, from the dark roots of his hair to the dark dirt clinging to the soles of his sneakers.
"Hit me," he said, staring into the warm brown blend of Hide's eyes. "As hard as you possibly can."
Hide stared back, unblinking, unflinching, and he raised his chin in an odd form of defiance. He did not believe Kaneki was serious, or if he did, he found the request to be amusing.
"Oh?" He stretched his limbs, standing upright with a spring in his step. He glanced at Kaneki, and his lips quirked. "So, what? Who's…?" He said a name rapidly, something that might have been English if it were not garbled by his Japanese tongue. It made no sense to Kaneki, but Hide continued as though the name had come out clearly. "Because you didn't strike me as the type."
"What?"
"Fight Club." Hide's forehead pinched. "Did I say that right?"
"No." Kaneki averted his gaze, thinking hard. "Tyler Durden?"
"Oh, yeah! That guy! Brad Pitt." This name came out much more smoothly than the last.
"Brad Pitt?"
"Did you not watch the movie?" Hide groaned. "Are you serious, there's a book? I didn't know there was a book."
"I liked it better than the movie."
"You're so typical, Kaneki," Hide groaned. "This is just like you. Is the book any good?"
"I don't remember it very well, I read it in middle school." He ran his hand through his wet hair, considering Hide's words. "But yeah, I liked it. The ending was different, which is why I liked it better, I think. There was some finality to it that the movie didn't really deliver, though I guess exploding buildings just seemed like a better cinematic feat than a psych ward— please stop me at any time, I know I'm rambling."
"No, no." Hide was cupping his chin, his feigned interest too strong to ignore. He waved slowly. "You keep going. It's not like I'm gonna read the book. So wait, what happened at the end?"
"The narrator thought he died," Kaneki said slowly, "that he went to heaven, when in reality he was in a mental hospital."
I can sleep in heaven.
Kaneki would like to test that.
"Wow." Hide whistled low. "That's definitely something."
"Hide," Kaneki said, "I was serious. I want you to hit me."
"Why?"
"I just want to test something, okay?"
"Well, I mean, okay," Hide said, holding up his hands and smiling sheepishly. "But here's the thing, bro." He shrugged, a heavy lift of his shoulders signifying the guilt weighing on them. "I don't want to."
"Please?"
"You just got out of the hospital." Hide shook his head. "Is this really necessary? Didn't you want to tell me something? Oh crap, are you dying?"
"No, I'm not dying." I'm already dead. "Just hit me."
"Nah."
"Hide!"
"Kaneki," he mocked.
Okay, so Kaneki was getting mildly irritated. It was a familiar irritation, which he knew he often felt toward Hide. But Kaneki didn't know what to do. Could he punch himself, see what would happen? No, it wouldn't have the same effect. He couldn't punch himself with enough force.
"I don't want to make you," Kaneki said desperately.
Hide's eyes brightened with curiosity, and his eyebrows arched. "Can you do that?" he asked. "No, no, this I want to see. How could you make me punch you?"
Kaneki sighed. Right. So it came down to this, then?
He took a deep breath. He feared his throat might constrict. And then he began.
"Why are you my friend?" he asked in the cool, vacant voice he'd once used on Madam A, the bite true and clear behind his words. "We're nothing alike. Or are we? You must know me pretty well. That's nice. I don't know you at all, I don't think. I don't know why you stick around me, and I don't know why you put up with me, because I'm needy and selfish— or maybe that's exactly why, because you're just the same. Is that your secret? Am I wrong? Are we nothing alike, or are we everything alike? No." He stuck his index finger in Hide's face as he opened his mouth to object. "Don't answer. Listen. I don't want an answer for the reason why you are the way you are— you couldn't possibly answer that, could you? Could you tell me why you're so incredibly friendly and charismatic, but you keep everyone at a distance? Why do you do that? Why did you stay away? Why not come talk to me? I don't understand you. I don't think I've ever understood you a day in my life. That's scary. Would you believe I'm scared of you? I think that's something that should have been apparent. I was terrified of you. I see you, but what I see is completely different from what is really there. Why is that? I'm a liar, yeah, I know that. You know that too. You know exactly how fake I am, but I wonder, do you even realize that you're just as fake?"
He took a breath, tears stinging his eyes. Hide had raised a hand. Kaneki closed his eyes, praying, praying for the blow. He needed it more than he needed nourishment after this outpour of intermingled truths and lies.
Hide's hand rested gently on Kaneki's cheek, and his eyes snapped open. Hide smiled sadly.
"Yes," he admitted. "I thought that was why we were so close. You really are a dummy, aren't you?"
The tears were licking Kaneki's lashes, and he couldn't stand it. He didn't know how Hide could be so calm in the face of so many accusations. Kaneki's words were hurtful and spiteful and they were thorns grinding against his larynx. Why was Hide so calm, then?
"Damn it, Hide," Kaneki gasped, whirling away and dashing his tears away as he moved lethargically toward his kitchenette. "I didn't want to do this."
"I'm sorry my pacifism has inconvenienced your dramatic flair," Hide remarked thickly, his words a little slurred. Perhaps he was as close to tears as Kaneki was. Perhaps Kaneki's words had hit him, but Hide was just… Hide was just not the type of person Kaneki was after all.
That probably made sense. Hide was an iceberg, after all, according to Hemingway's theory of omission. And Kaneki didn't think he reached that depth. No, he was the Titanic. All boast of invincibility. Unsinkable until, of course, fate set his course toward a headlong collision.
Kaneki snatched a knife from a drawer, the kind of kitchen knife used for chopping peppers and meat. Hide's eyes widened considerably. Yeah, that was to be expected. Kaneki had been holding back the throttle of his mind, but now he just wanted to prove something, and there was nothing more dangerous than a man with everything to prove.
"Kaneki," Hide said weakly. "Buddy. I got what you were trying to do. With the whole calling me out on my shit thing. That's why I didn't punch you. I might have, really, I almost did, but I figured it out."
"Because you know me so well," Kaneki said coldly.
"Well, quite frankly, yeah!" Hide took a few careful strides forward, eying the knife bemusedly. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't visit you at the hospital. I should have. Is that what this is about?"
"No." Kaneki didn't know why that would be an issue. Hide was probably just making assumptions based on accusations for actions he did not even commit yet. Or, rather, lack of action. Theory of omission. Kaneki was pretty good at that too. Was he not avoiding the truth now?
"Then I haven't got a clue." Hide threw his hands up in defeat. "You got me. I'm speechless. Holy shit, Kaneki, did you get me. I really have no idea what's going on!"
"Is that a first for you?"
"What is with you?" Hide's nose wrinkled as though he'd just bitten into rotten fruit. "So what, I don't say what I'm thinking all the time, is that a crime now?"
"This honestly isn't about that, Hide," Kaneki murmured, looking down at his feet. "I'm sorry, none of that… none of it had anything to do with anything. I was just trying to make you mad."
"You just made me sad, you know."
Kaneki nodded. He figured. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice thick from unshed tears. He met Hide's eye, and he smiled tremulously. "I'll explain. Just… just give me a moment." And so he lifted his shirt up, déjà vu delivering the punch Hide had withheld as he closed his teeth around the hem and clutched the handle of the knife with both hands.
"Kaneki, what the fuck are you doing?"
So, truthfully, Kaneki didn't know what was going to happen. He figured he might have transitioned enough to have a ghoul body. But hardly even a few hours ago his abdomen had been on fire from post-surgery pain.
He couldn't say if he was a ghoul or not. If he was alive or not.
Schrödinger's ghoul.
Hide's cry of shock and fear collided with the strident sound of metal bending. Kaneki felt no pain as the knife struck his stomach. He let his shirt fall from between his teeth, and he admired the deformed metal with dull interest.
It was almost a disappointment.
He bowed his head, feeling so ashamed for all his cruel words and all his thoughtless actions. He had done this for Hide's benefit, to help him better comprehend, to make everything clearer, but there were things that he knew were better off said than shown, and this communication block between them had already hurt their friendship enough.
Hide was suddenly before him, his mouth wide open in a gape, his finger pointed toward the twisted knife.
"That both the coolest and most terrifying thing you've ever done," he gasped.
"Um…" Kaneki glanced down at the knife. "I…" He took a quick step back, shooting Hide an irritated glance. "Why do you take everything so well?"
"I don't know." Hide blinked rapidly, and he offered a meager little shrug. "Why do you take everything so seriously?"
This was frustrating. But also somewhat relieving. Hide, it seemed, was not one to get upset easily. Anger seemed to be a foreign emotion to him.
"I just… tried to stab myself…"
"Obviously not very well." Hide tilted his head. "Though, I mean, the whole metal bending thing is weird, I'll admit it."
"Hide, this is what I wanted to tell you." Kaneki set the twisted knife aside, Hide's eyes following it sharply. He looked like he wanted to take it and examine it more closely, but he restrained himself. "I just… I wasn't sure if you'd believe me without some proof."
"Are you Superman?" Hide asked brightly.
"Hide." Kaneki sighed very deeply, turning his eyes toward the ceiling. "Rize… was a ghoul."
Hide stared vacantly. He had no response, so Kaneki decided to continue.
"She was a ghoul, and Dr. Kanou put her organs inside me," he said, folding his arms gingerly across his stomach. His voice was shaking. Hide's voice was ringing inside his head. Dude, I knew the whole time.
Hide looked at him, his bright face seeming to dim a bit. He rested his hand against the countertop, leaning heavily upon it as he stared pensively somewhere beyond Kaneki's face. That made him nervous, the sight of Hide actually thinking instead of just spouting his usual nonsense.
Then Hide's eyes flashed staidly to Kaneki's.
"Who else knows about this?" he asked.
Kaneki was taken aback. This was the first time Hide was reacting somewhat normally to the odd situation, and this was frankly the scariest thing to happen all day. He couldn't think of the right words to say, his eyes darting from Hide's face as he tried to summon up his mind from the depths of his anxiety, which had swallowed it whole.
"Just… just you, I think," Kaneki stammered. "And, um, Dr. Kanou, obviously."
"So he was aware that Miss Rize was a ghoul when he performed the operation?"
"Yes…?" Kaneki had never seen Hide sound so flat and emotionless before. Was this the thing that he'd been hiding? Was this why Hide hadn't confronted Kaneki about anything? Was this the Hide behind the mask?
Hide raised his face. And he smiled.
Kaneki found himself relaxing. No. Hide was not that kind of person.
"That's good," Hide said. He reached out, and he clapped Kaneki on the shoulder. "Don't tell anyone else."
"Hide, that's…" Kaneki had not considered that maybe isolationism would be the best way to go on this new path. He didn't want to close himself off. He wanted to go back to Anteiku after this Hide situation was dealt with.
"We don't really know how the surgery has affected your body, beyond like, the rock solid abs thing." Hide pressed his lips together thinly, his brow furrowed in deep thought. "We should test this stuff out, first, before we take any extreme measures."
"Hide." Kaneki lifted Hide's hand from his shoulder, and he forced Hide to look him in the eye. There was a surprising amount of unwavering determination there. "I am a ghoul. I can't eat normal food anymore, it tastes disgusting. I have a kagune."
"A kagune?"
He didn't sound quite as surprised as Kaneki would have expected.
"It's like… another limb, something that ghouls use to defend themselves." He shrugged weakly. "I haven't had the chance to really test it out yet."
"Well, shit, Kaneki!" Hide cried, his eyes glowing brightly as he took a few long strides back. "What are you waiting for? Let's see it!"
"Are you joking?"
"No. I wish you would've shown me that first, instead of trying to get me to punch you. You're so dramatic."
Obediently, Kaneki rolled up the back of his shirt, willing Rize's rinkaku to slither out from its hiding place at the hollow of his spine. He could hear it click and snap at his skin, hissing upon release and curling defensively around him. He stared at gleaming red scales, and he noted that there were only two arms, when there should have been four. Perhaps he was not powerful enough just yet.
"Oh, wow!" Hide's eyes glittered with wonder. "That's amazing! And you can move them and stuff, like any old limb?"
"Yes." He let the kagune rise and fall, a little waving motion that made Hide laugh. "There should be more than two, though…"
"Hm?" Hide frowned, and then he continued to laugh. "Oh, well I wouldn't worry too much. I'll bet you're just tired. Or hungry."
Kaneki's gut twisted at the suggestion of hunger. Hide spoke of it so flippantly, it was almost as if the idea of Kaneki consuming human flesh was beyond his comprehension.
"Also, is that eye thing permanent? Or is it only when you use your kagune?"
Kaneki's finger flew to his eye, feeling the protrusion of veins along the crinkling corner, and he swallowed hard. "It's not permanent," he said quietly, "but I can wear an eye patch to be safe."
"No, don't do that if you don't have to. You'll just stick out." Hide shook his head, and he leaned his back against Kaneki's counter. "What we need to worry about now is food. I don't know how we're going to manage it, but I'll think of something."
"What?" Kaneki blurted, his heart stuttering in shock of what Hide was implicating. "Hide, that isn't your problem!"
"You're trusting me with this secret, aren't you?" Hide glanced at him with large eyes. "Of course it's my problem. Are you honestly planning on doing this alone, and potentially murdering someone?"
"I won't do that!"
"Of course you won't," Hide said firmly. "I won't let you."
"And what are you going to do?" Kaneki banished his kagune, marching up to him and scowling. "You're human, and you don't know a thing about ghouls!"
"And you do?" Hide's voice was thin and mocking.
Kaneki couldn't respond. It was one thing to tell Hide that he was a ghoul, but to tell Hide that he'd come from the future was a bit much. There was no explaining that to anyone, and Kaneki knew it.
Hide hummed, nodding slowly in a little bounce of his head. "I thought not," he said. "Like I said, I'll think of something. Until then, please." He kicked off Kaneki's counter, moving with a strong, deliberate gait. "Don't do anything rash."
"Hide," Kaneki said in a small, weak voice. "Who do you think I am?"
Hide smiled. He laughed.
Because he knew Kaneki would not listen to a word he said.
When Hide left, Kaneki was left to his own devices. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but it left him feeling pretty hollow, and that was annoying because he'd hoped that telling Hide would fix everything bad, but it just… it hadn't. And now Kaneki didn't know what to do.
He sat on his bed for a little while, his knees pressed up against his chest and his mouth buried into them. His hair had dried by now, and it curled across his brow, wispy and thick. He didn't feel like combing it.
Hide was a complete mystery. That was becoming exceedingly apparent, and Kaneki's mind kept winding back to all those harsh words he'd said, and how Hide had just shrugged it off, and that was so confusing because Hide was too damn rational! Anyone else would have attacked him.
Hell, Touka would have made him eat dirt if he'd even dared to speak a word against her.
Touka…
He turned his face toward the clock. It was late. Nearly midnight. Did he dare? Did he truly want to tempt fate any further than he already had today?
Um. Yes.
He threw his legs over the side of his bed, fumbling for his sneakers and jamming his feet into them. He fled his apartment, making his way into the darkened streets with an unbelievable haste. He ran, his sneakers clapping against the sidewalks and his breath beating against the gentle thrum of Tokyo's midnight sounds. Cities didn't sleep. Cars were still blurring past, music was still trickling from windows and open doors, people were still congregating on street corners, and Kaneki passed them all by with a great resolve. The wind hit his face, and he followed a familiar path, winding between buildings with ease.
When he made it to the alleyway behind Anteiku, he doubled over and panted, his stomach cramping up from the length of the run. This body was so frail and weak and out of shape, not to mention the strain of the surgery scar. Kaneki felt the string of his stitches pulling taut, threatening to snap.
So he leaned against a wall, breathless and teary eyed, trying to swallow down the drumming of his heart in his throat.
It was well past midnight now, and Anteiku should've closed up about an hour ago. Touka might not even be awake.
Just to spite him, fate struck him once more. The back door of Anteiku opened, and Kirishima Touka shouldered through the threshold, dragging a garbage bag behind her. She didn't seem to notice him at first, moving sluggishly toward a trashcan. She tossed the bag into it, the resounding crash causing Kaneki to jump. Her eyes flashed toward him.
They were both very still. City sounds blanketed their silence as stars might blanket the vacuity of space.
"No loitering," she said flatly, turning her face from him. "Scram."
"Wait," he said, moving into the light of the single lamp beside Anteiku's door. It splashed across his face, and she eyed him warily. "I need help."
She squinted at him. And he stared at her. Her silence cut him deep, cut him swift and sharp, cut him to the bone and rung in his head as it bled him out.
He'd forgotten how beautiful and brutal this girl could be.
She turned fully to face him, and shadows swept over her round, smooth face. There was a darkness to her eyes, a hollowness to her gaze that Kaneki was not used to. She stared through him. She felt nothing. She regarded him as she might regard a telephone pole. Acknowledgement only in avoidance. She'd round about him to avoid collision, and then promptly forget his existence.
And he looked at her as though he were a child gazing upon a total solar eclipse. He could not know how dangerous and blinding beauty was.
He was always weak in the face of beautiful things.
"So?" She lifted her chin haughtily. Ah, how proud she was. Kaneki had forgotten. "What do you want me to do?"
"Help me."
"You don't look desperate enough to want my help." She rolled her eyes. "Take my advice. Go home."
"I can't." He saw her eyes shift in the darkness, wary and wild, dark and deadly. She would crush him if he overstepped, if he came too close, if he uttered the wrong word. And then she took a look at him, and her face transformed.
"You," she said, her eyes widening in shock. Kaneki felt a jolt of hope run through him, misguided as it was. "You're dead."
He didn't reply. To reply, either way, would be a lie.
So he exhaled, and the city echoed back with breaths of life circulating through vacated streets. Touka didn't seem to know what to do or say, which was refreshing. Finally. Someone else at a loss.
She leaned forward, squinting at him as though perhaps she had missed something upon the first few times she'd scrutinized him. Slowly, she began a predatory movement, circling him round and round. He followed her gaze, turning with her, and feeling that she was moving to an imaginary orchestra, her heels barely scraping the ground, her ankles crossing and uncrossing. She was slender and quick footed, a dancer if Kaneki had ever seen one.
"You should be dead," she told him, stopping less than a meter from him, so close that her familiar scent burned his nose. He knew her scent as he might know Hide's, a familiar onslaught of ground coffee beans overpowering flowery perfume. "Why didn't Rize kill you?"
"She definitely tried." He stared into her face, wondering if he had any expression on his own. "Do you believe me now? That I need your help?"
"No." Her voice was as biting as ever. She was consistently chafing against him, resisting any temptation to be comfortable in his presence. She would rather break her own back than show him a glimmer of weakness. It was something he sorely admired. "I don't know who you are, and I don't care. Go back to wherever the hell you came from." And she whirled away, marching toward the door, ready to abandon him.
His heart thudded in his throat, and he wished he could rid himself of it, because it was screwing with his head.
"I guess all ghouls are the same, huh?" His voice was dislocated from his body. He was shaky, frightened, but his voice was cold and vicious. It struck her visibly, snapping at her back, leaving a long, thin whiplash upon her spine. Her face turned sharply, dangerously poised against her left shoulder as her eyes grew shadowy and dark.
"What the hell would you know about ghouls?" she spat.
He stared at her. He bowed his head, and he took a shaky breath. "Nothing," he said. It was only half a lie. "But I know one thing. Someone put Rize's organs in me." He raised his head, and he took a short step toward her. "I am not going to pretend like I can keep living in ignorance, that ghouls do not exist, when right now I am one."
Her brow furrowed. She was looking at him now with less contempt, and more openness. The shadow over her eyes lifted, and when she looked at him, there was a hint of curiosity there. She looked at him from sneakers to tussled hair, a quick, judging gaze.
He had spoken deliberately to not offend her, as he had the first time.
"Humans can't just become ghouls," she said.
"It's possible, and it happened." He bit the inside of cheek, noting how annoyed she looked. "I can't eat humans when I am human. I can't do that."
"Then you're not a ghoul," she said briskly. "And if you're not a ghoul, then I can't help you."
"But I am a ghoul," Kaneki gasped. "I can't eat human food, but I can't eat humans either. What am I supposed to do?"
She glanced at him, her eyelids half-folding over her eyes.
"Starve," she said simply.
He stood, feeling the return of her disdain as it fell upon him in rapid bursts. She was glowering fiercely. How she hated, how fiercely and totally, without any form of pity, was something he had imitated in another life. But now he was back to being Kaneki Ken, lowly and powerless.
"I'd like to talk to the manager," he said.
For the first time, she was utterly taken aback. Her mouth dropped open, and her shoulders tensed up, and she took a step back.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because I need help," he said coolly, brushing past her. "And you clearly have something against humans." That wasn't true, of course. He knew it wasn't true. But he liked the way it hit her, the way it made her bristle.
"Excuse me?" Her voice had heightened considerably in pitch, and he blinked as she snatched him by the arm, her grip so rough and heavy that the pressure of her fingertips bruised the tender skin of his bicep. He stumbled to a stop, nearly head-butting her by accident. "You've been a ghoul for all of what, five minutes? And you think you can just come to me, and fucking assume that you know even an ounce of what life as a ghoul is like?" She threw him against Anteiku's door, and his spine collided painfully with the wood, a hollow sound echoing through the alley. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"
He grimaced a bit from the pain, rubbing his arm where her fingers had imprinted themselves. "You can call me Kaneki," he offered, hoping it sounded less sarcastic and more amiable.
"Fuck you, Kaneki." She walked up to him, ease in her step, and she lifted her chin high. "Fuck your rotten luck, and fuck your condescending nonsense. Do you honestly figure you're something fucking special? That because you were born human, that the laws of being a ghoul somehow exclude you? Go crawl back beneath the fucking rock you squirmed out of."
"If you feel that way," Kaneki whispered, "then why don't you go ahead and eat a ghoul?"
She stood stock straight, looking as though he'd just struck her.
"I don't think I'm better than you, Touka," he told her gently. "I just can't consciously eat my own kind."
Her mouth fell open. Her eyes were so furious, he thought she was going to attack him again. Luckily the door opened behind him, and he stumbled forward, to keep himself from crashing into the trash can.
Kaneki felt his face light up as he came face to face with Yoshimura. He was peering into the darkened alley, looking upon Touka with a mild expression.
"I heard a struggle," he said. He turned his face toward Kaneki, who'd managed to school his expression quickly. "Is there a problem?"
"No, sir," Touka said through gritted teeth. "Just taking out the trash."
Kaneki knew Touka well enough to understand that was some particularly dark shade thrown at him.
"Excuse me, sir," Kaneki said, stepping between him and Touka. He could feel her glaring at his back, the intensity of her stare making his stomach knot up. "Can I speak to you? Privately?"
Yoshimura's eyebrows rose, but he smiled amiably, and he nodded. "Of course. Come with me." He gestured into the depths of Anteiku, and Touka scoffed behind Kaneki. "Touka, if you are done then I suggest you go to bed. It's very late, and you shouldn't be on duty."
"I offered," she said defensively.
"That's all very well, but you should still get some rest."
When Kaneki glanced back at her, her jaw was set and her shoulders were squared. She brushed past them both, her fists clenched at her sides, and Kaneki watched her sadly.
He'd hated this part, assuming that Touka hated him. He wanted to skip to the part where they were on friendly terms, and he didn't take her harsh words so seriously.
"Don't take Touka's behavior to heart," Yoshimura said, holding the door open for Kaneki to step inside. "I can assure you it's not personal."
"Right."
Yoshimura led him to a row of refrigerators, as he had the first time, and Kaneki watched him pull out a small package of meat. It wasn't Kaneki's intention to start eating humans, but he also had the intention of becoming strong. And he wasn't in the position to be hunting ghouls to eat.
"Let's give you one package for now." Yoshimura turned, offering out the carefully packaged human meat. "Come back when you need to. There's no need to be shy."
"I'm actually not…" Kaneki stared at the package weakly. Yoshimura watched him from beneath heavily lidded eyes. Kaneki sighed, and he took the package. If only to be polite. "Um… would it be okay if I asked you a few questions?"
"Of course." Yoshimura closed the fridge door, and turned completely to face him. "I'm sure you have many misgivings, but I assure you no one was murdered for the sake of your dinner."
"Ah." Kaneki couldn't very well say he knew that already, so he nodded. "Okay, that's… that's good to know…" He glanced down at his feet. He didn't know why he was so nervous. He knew Yoshimura. But… Yoshimura didn't know him. No one knew him. That was awful. "Is eating humans the only way? Can't I find nutrition from an outside source?"
"It is the only way," Yoshimura confirmed gravely. "I'm sorry. I understand that this is difficult for you. But you are a ghoul now. Kaneki, was it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, Kaneki," Yoshimura said, smiling down at him. "You need nothing to fear. Anteiku will provide for you as long as you need."
"Thank you," he said politely. "That means… that means a lot…" He took a deep breath. He was thinking about the Anteiku raid again, how… how badly things had ended up… and what could he do now to stop that? What could he do differently? He had no idea what events had even caused it to happen, so how could he prevent it?
"You seem to have a lot on your mind." Yoshimura tilted his head. "Why don't you come back tomorrow, and we'll discuss this matter further. We'll have to integrate you into ghoul culture somehow, or else you'll be walking blind."
"That's a good idea." Kaneki sounded very sad, and he could tell that Yoshimura noticed, because he opened his eyes, and watched Kaneki with pity in his gaze.
"It will not always be so terrible," Yoshimura said gently. "I promise, Kaneki. You will live a normal life."
"Thank you, sir."
His words sounded so hollow. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How many times could he say it? Not nearly enough. There was no amount of gratitude that could suffice to this man.
Yoshimura walked him out, but Kaneki found himself faltering at the door. He turned to face the man, and he clutched the little package tightly in his fists.
"I am ghoul," he said firmly, "but I'm also human. You know that. You accept it. So then, do you think it's possible… do you think humans and ghouls could find peace with each other?"
Yoshimura stared at him, his wizened face carved from the shadows of the closed down coffee shop. And he gave Kaneki a wide little smile, patting him gently on the shoulder.
"We who are peace-minded dwell on the sidelines, watching those with power wage wars we cannot end. And to end such a great conflict, I could only assume great sacrifice must be made." Yoshimura shrugged. "But then again, I stand for the refugees, for those who cannot help themselves. I cannot say what it would take to end a battle, so much as the entire war."
He speaks so well, Kaneki thought, staring up at the man in absolute awe.
"I don't think sacrifice is the answer," Kaneki said softly. "If this is a war, then it's on a social scale too. So that's… that's where I come in." He straightened up, his eyes widening. "I'm not solely human, and not solely ghoul. I'm both. I get the privilege of being both. So couldn't I speak for both factions?" Kaneki stared, not at Yoshimura, not at Anteiku's interior, but into a great expanse of possibilities unfolding before him.
Last time he'd gotten it all wrong.
He'd tried to fight this war on the battle's stage. He'd focused all his energy on playing his part, not even realizing that he was just a piece in the play. He needed to look behind the curtain. There was no debut for the actor this time, for he had to work behind the scenes.
Yoshimura looked surprised.
"You could try," he said in his soft, grandfatherly voice.
And Kaneki felt his heart break.
Because he could not return to Anteiku.
He could not put such a beautiful place on the frontlines, not again. Not when he'd seen the destruction his presence had caused. Because after all, what had led the doves to Anteiku? The Owl. Why did they track down the Owl? Because he'd shown up at the Aogiri raid. Why had he been at the Aogiri raid?
He'd been rescuing Kaneki.
This was for the best.
And so, with a heavy heart, he left Anteiku. He waited a few blocks before throwing away the human meat, tearing open the package so that some desperate ghoul might fish it out. He walked slowly, the city sounds beginning to die down from a thrum to a murmur, and his feet scraped heavily on the pavement. He was exhausted. He was exhausted and lost, and that was leading him down an uncertain path.
He could try.
Wasn't it better that he try, then? If he could save Anteiku, then he would. He'd do whatever he had to do to keep Anteiku from the doves.
So that was that, then.
Kaneki paused outside a tall building that Touka had once dragged him into. That had been a different life. Would Touka even know him now? Aside from that first impression, which though not as bad as the last was still pretty awful? He didn't want to stay away from her, but did he have a choice? Could he be her friend without being at Anteiku?
He walked into the building, feeling suddenly violently uncomfortable. He immediately wanted to walk right out. He stood for a moment, swaying in the doorway, and he glanced around the deserted entrance. It was probably nearing two in the morning. There was no one really there, except a clerk at a desk. She looked up upon his entering, their eyes meeting, and she looked honestly confused. She probably was not used to seeing people on her shifts.
He walked toward her, a little unsteadily. She watched him in silence, and did not smile when he reached her desk.
"Hello," she said. "Are you lost?"
"No." Kaneki swallowed hard. He glanced around the entrance, his eyes falling on a bulletin board. Then they swiveled toward the tall entryway beside the desk, which he knew to be the RC detector. "Um, is there any way I could speak to an investigator?"
"There's no one really here this late," the woman said cautiously. "Would you like to file a report?"
"No," he said. He looked at her, and he could hear Hide's voice clawing through his brain, vicious talons carving up his lying mind. Don't do anything rash.
"Then what brings you to the CCG?" the woman asked.
Kaneki's heartbeat accelerated as he understood the very real danger he was placing himself in.
But this was an option he'd never thought to explore before.
For Anteiku, he thought.
"My name is Kaneki Ken," he said hoarsely, leaning heavily against the desk. "A few days ago, I was… I was involved in an accident. Metal beams fell. A girl was killed, and her organs were transplanted without consent into the boy that was there. I'm sure you heard of it." He paused for her wary nod, but didn't wait for any other reply. "That girl was a ghoul. That boy was me. I used to be human, but now I'm a ghoul, and I… I need help. Please. Can you help me?"