22 October 2020
Instant regret was what I felt as I entered this club.
"Hey girl" a long legged brunette squealed in excitement as she passed by me. Ignoring everyone, I went to enjoy a drink. The club was so overfilled with people and loud, yet it couldn't silence the noise in my head. A tall and muscular male silhouette appeared on my left, his raven black hair messy and his eyes glistening with mischief.
I could already feel the disgust and anger simmering slowly under my skin. I recognized damn well those hungry eyes.
"Well, would you mind me sitting here?" His deep voice disgusted me.
The skin on my bare hand itched unpleasantly. I can't even drown in my pain peacefully.
"Piss off" I replied in a cold voice that I prayed would make him leave me the fuck alone.
Instead, he shortened the distance between our faces as he leaned on his left arm on the table, smirking.
"Come on babe, let me buy you a drink" he offered while flashing his teeth.
I could vomit all over his face this instant. I didn't even bother about him any more. He had chosen the wrong night to approach me. I was already looking for a way to vent out my frustrations. He didn't seem the least offended by me as he curled his lips in a sly smile.
"As you wish" he said quietly as he minded his own business, looking away for another distraction maybe.
That's it?
I scoffed. Last night, I had a great fight with a pervert and expecting the same today, I came back here. It was such a great way to make myself lighter.
The voices in my head started raging through my mind. The uncertainty of his disappearance kept rankling my head.
Is it because of the baby?
I rested my chin on my palm as I leaned back on my seat, trying to focus on the people but for some reason my vision had become blurry. All of a sudden, I felt dizzy. I tried to calm myself down, ignoring the headache while rubbing my temples. But instead of feeling better, my eyelids became heavier. My head started to hurt real bad. A burning sensation was emerging from my head. My palms became cold and sweaty. I put my hands in my lap, overwhelmed.
Just as I was about to close my eyes, I saw a male silhouette at the entrance of the club. Even through the pain and dizziness, I could recognize him as if my life depended on it.
"Eli"
Everyone and everything blurred around him. I narrowed my eyes so I could better focus on him. He was as real as he can get in his favorite white shirt. I could distinguish his face, his eyes and his smile even in a crowd of people. His deep eyes stared at me softly and lovingly. My gaze went to his lips that were curled in a sweet smile then moving as if he was calling me.
How I missed seeing his lips pronouncing my nickname he gave me.
How I longed for it.
Raising his hand, he waved toward my direction as if he was calling me to him. I stood up right away in my intoxicated state and made my way through the sweaty and drunk bodies bouncing against each other. I have to endure these obstacles to get to him, to talk to him and to kiss him again. But before I could get any closer, he turned around and started walking towards the exit. His eyes were still urging me to follow him. The world around me becomes silent and the only thing on my mind right now is to get to him.
I don't care who I collide into and how far he keeps getting from me, all I know is I have to keep on walking to him and if I can't walk, I'd crawl to him. Stepping outside the club in the chilly night, I finally called out his name as I looked around for him. The cold wind pierced through my thin black jacket. Relief shot through my veins as I finally caught a glimpse of his soft lustrous hair from behind, blazing from the wind. I spotted his white shirt disappearing around the corner of the club.
My body lurched in the same direction. Reaching behind the dead end alley behind the club, I stopped, panicking as I searched around frantically for a trail of Eli. Panting, I called out his name, my heart racing.
"Eli, where are you?"
But all I could hear was my own hoarse voice echoing in the empty space.
I was all alone.
10 missed calls from Ian and Eliana is what I read on display as soon as I came back to my senses a little. Shoving my mobile into my pocket, I walked back home.
Home. Maybe he was waiting for me at home impatiently, worried about me. We would have dinner together and talk about our boring day. We would make love and sleep next to each other and then we would wake up next to each other.
Hours later
A sweet scent of vanilla cookies filled my nostrils and I opened my eyes. I felt his lips kissing my cheek.
"Hey sugar," a gentle voice whispered next to me.
I squinted my eyes to focus on the man sitting next to me.
"Eli, you're here?" I gasped in disbelief as I grasped his face to see if he's real.
"Of course I am sugar" he frowned as if surprised and offended by my question.
His beautiful soft bangs fell on his forehead.
"Why wouldn't I be?" he asked as he put a strand of hair behind my ear. My eyes travelled around and examined our surroundings. He was wearing a warm pullover and pants stretching to his bare feet. His eyes looked at me, full of adoration and affection.
"You seem tense. What's the matter?" He asked calmly.
My mind painfully reminded me of what happened lately in my life. But I can't seem to remember.
Eli pulled me into his embrace, so my head lay on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. He was very much real. He started stroking my hair tenderly. He caressed my cheek with his thumb fondly. I closed my eyes peacefully as his soft palm stroked through my hair.
"This feels so nice," I said.
"You know what would feel even better?" He asked while playing with a strand of my hair.
"A nice relaxing bath" he chuckled as I opened my eyes to look at him. He suddenly ceased stroking my hair as stood up, extending his arm towards me. I took his hand, our fingers locking in a firm grip and followed him as if I had no control over my own body.
As my bare feet stepped into the cold tiles, chills ran down my spine.
"Fill the tub and make yourself comfortable. I'll join you in a while"
He closed the door behind him, leaving me there alone. Following his instructions, I started filling the tub. I stared at the falling water in the white tiles the whole time.
I was confused and in a trance.
"Get in the water sugar" I heard his muffled voice from behind the door. My mind was empty. I took off my clothes, leaving them on the tile floor and I carefully stepped into the bathtub, diving my whole body in it.
This really is relaxing.
I rested my head on the cold surface of the tub while staring at the white ceiling. The warm water splashed on my face. I closed my eyes as a feeling of sleeplessness came over me. I slid even deeper in the tub with the water slightly touching my lower lip. The water embraced me further. My mind was feeling a strange sense of peace right now waiting for Eli to join me at any moment.
I wonder what will happen if I sink into the tub a little more. Just a little.
The water flew into my nostrils.
Am I going to drown?
Eli would be back soon. He told me to relax in the tub and he'd join me.
I wanted to dive even deeper in this feeling of peace and tranquility. Deeper and deeper. Until I completely disappear.
Someone was screaming my name. Who dared to bother me right now? I couldn't respond.
Ian?
All of a sudden, I felt something preventing me from breathing.
A pair of hands grabbed me by the sides, shaking me violently. It was strange how I could feel everything but I still couldn't respond.
25 October 2020
Days passed by slowly while the only thing on my mind was Eli and his heart breaking absence. As if someone pierced open my soul and tore my heart apart.
My whole heart maybe.
The sky was dark. No stars. I stood at the edge of the platform. Stuffing my hands in my pocket, I stared out at the tracks and my surroundings. I went out for a walk when it started raining. Soaking through my blue shirt, the cold water wet my skin. It was so quiet here in this lonely platform where I could allow my thoughts to drift. Ten minutes later, I watched the incoming train, approaching after a little announcement chimed. It shuttered to a halt and unsealed its doors.
His voice echoed in my head. Again. Late night rain is fun.
I didn't step inside. Soul mate. I despised these words. They sent chills down my spine. The idea of having someone knowing every aspect of your life, serving you as a closure to your pain is as sweet and fake as fairy tales. It doesn't last long. It did before until he disappeared.
You abondon people that you use not people that you love. And he abondoned me.
I will not remember.
This small affirmation on my behalf that I'd repeated many times could never blur those memories. Remembering was painful. Time helped. It did only help to subside the pain and shift my attention which was enough. I was confused and hurt.
We had promised each other, right? We promised to stop loving each other when we could no longer love. Each time and every moment you stood by your words but was this time not valid enough?
One random day he decided that I wasn't worth loving anymore. Love is something to be nurtured.
Shoving my thoughts in a corner of my brain, I stepped into the rain.
The thought that his face would begin to fade away in my mind slowly was painful. I faced a whirlwind of emotions.
Whether I should be thankful that the pain would diminish or be horrified that the one who had been in the worst and best of my life, his presence may no longer matter to me one day? Would his picture in my heart start disappearing more and more or perhaps completely?