By Monday, I couldn't take it anymore. The headaches, the twitchy reflexes, the black hole in my stomach—it all screamed one thing.
I had Spider powers.
I mean, what else could it be?
So naturally, I decided to test them.
Experiment One: Wall-crawling.
I pressed my palm to my bedroom wall, focused, and climbed. For about two glorious seconds, it worked—my foot stuck, my body held—until gravity remembered I existed and threw me flat on my back.
"Okay… ow."
Experiment Two: Web-shooting.
I glared at my hands, willing them to thwip. Nothing. Tried again. Nothing. Third time, I sneezed and a weird static crackle fizzled out, leaving my palm tingling like I'd brushed against a balloon.
Not exactly the web-slinging debut I imagined.
Experiment Three: Spider-Sense.
I stood in the middle of my room with a pillow balanced on the top shelf. I poked it with a stick until it fell. Each time, I dodged easily, like I knew where it would land.
Not exactly proof, but close enough to convince myself.
"Yep," I muttered. "Definitely Spider powers."
From the drawer, the spider twitched again. Not mocking this time. Not amused. It felt… calculating.
By the end, I was sweaty, panting, buzzing with restless energy. My reflection in the mirror was worse—silver-blue streaks in my hair shining brighter, veins faintly glowing under my skin.
My pulse spiked. Heat flared through me. The static in my hands built into a painful thrum.
"Spider powers… right?" I muttered—before everything went white.
I collapsed.
Cut to Deadpool in a lab coat, holding a clipboard.
"Alright, let's grade the science fair project, shall we?"
Experiment results:
Wall-crawling? Epic fail. Web-shooting? Static cling cosplay. Spider-Sense? More like PillowSense™.
He sighs, shaking his head.
"Still, Jake's convinced. Bless his dumb little heart. He thinks he's Spider-Man 2.0, when really—"
(Sirens blare. Red lights flash. Meta Police storm in.)
"Aw, hell. Not again." Deadpool bolts, clipboard still in hand. "Don't listen to them, readers—it's totally Spider powers! Definitely! No twist here, nuh-uh—"
FWOOMP! A net slams over him. He thrashes, muffled.
"Unhand me! I have fourth-wall rights! SPIDER POWERS CONFIR—"
ZAP. He twitches, collapses, dragged away.