It started with my hands.
One second I was scrolling through my phone, the next it was glued to my palm by a thin strand of… something.
"Uh… no. Nope. No, no, no."
I tugged, panicked. The more I pulled, the more of it stretched. Sticky, fibrous, clinging.
"Shit—" I flailed until the strand finally snapped, leaving my phone intact but my dignity shredded.
The next day, it happened again. Gym class. My hand brushed the bleachers—thwip. A long sticky strand shot out, clinging to the railing like I'd just invented the world's grossest party streamer.
The coach blinked. "Uh… what was that?"
"Static cling?" I croaked.
Nobody bought it, but thankfully nobody pressed.
That night, I sat under my lamp, staring at my fingertips. They didn't look different, not really—but the skin around them felt different. Like something was waiting just beneath the surface.
I closed my eyes. "Please don't let me turn into a human bug zapper."
From the drawer, the spider twitched. Not mocking. Not laughing. Just… watching.
Camera cuts to Deadpool, holding two giant cans of Silly String like pistols.
Congratulations, Jake! You've unlocked Spider Goo™, the most awkward superpower in Marvel history. One minute, you're texting your crush, the next—thwip!—you've accidentally glued yourself to a locker. Smooth.
(Alarms blare again. Meta Police storm in with riot shields.)
"Oh, for f— SERIOUSLY? Again?!" Deadpool groans, blasting Silly String at them to hold them back.
A voice booms: "Unauthorized spoilers detected. Deadpool, stand down or face containment."
"Containment?! I've been contained by worse contracts than this!" Deadpool yells, diving behind the chalkboard from last chapter.
He peeks out, whispering: "Don't worry, readers. It's totally Spider powers. Definitely. No twist here. Nope."
He winks. A dart hits him in the butt. He yelps, then vanishes offscreen as the Meta Police drag him away.
For now.