My learning journey began the hard way. When I was five, I heard my grandma shouting at my father. I didn't pay attention at first, until I heard my name. I moved closer to the door, and that was my first lesson.
"I told you to get rid of him. He is the one who gets in your way. You should focus on your work and find a decent woman, not a slut like his mother."
"Don't talk about him this way. He is my son, and I love him. I will never leave him until the day they put me underground. You are his grandmother—you should love him. I will never trust you to be with him."
"He is a bastard. Maybe I'm nice to him, but I will never love him. I need real grandchildren to love."
"Sorry to disappoint you, but all you will have is Black. And even him, I won't allow you to see. You don't deserve him."
"You can't do this, John."
"I can, and I will. You are not welcome here again, Mom. If you need anything, you can call me."
"You will regret losing your life for him."
"He is all I need. You are the one who will regret losing her grandson."
I ran to my room with too many thoughts in my mind. What does slut mean? Why did my grandma treat me well if she hated me? Why am I standing in the way of my father's happiness? First, I needed to ask about my mother.
I went to his office and entered without knocking.
"Black, what did I teach you about asking before opening the door?"
"But it's urgent."
"What do you want—to play?"
"No, Dad. I want to know the meaning of slut."
"Black, where did you hear that word?"
"I heard you talking to my grandma, and I want to know where my mother went."
"Listen, Black. That word is bad, and your grandma should not have said it. As for your mother, I will tell you the truth, because I taught you to be honest, and because lying destroys relationships.
Your mother and I didn't love each other. We met once at a New Year's party. We talked, and… after two months, she came to me and told me she was pregnant. I told her I would help her until she gave birth and that I would do a test to make sure you were my son, but she refused. She wanted money to get rid of the baby and assured me you were mine."
He stopped talking and wiped the tears from my eyes.
"I told her that since you were my son, I would never allow her to kill you. I offered to keep you and support her financially, but she refused. So I made an offer she couldn't refuse. I asked her to give birth to you for money, but she had to sign away her rights. She agreed.
When you were born and I saw you, I forgot the whole world. I loved you with all my heart, and I promised I would never let anyone hurt you."
"What about my mother?"
"She left without seeing you. Five months later, she came back. I thought she regretted leaving you, but she didn't talk about you. She said I was a liar for not telling her I was rich, and she wanted you. I told her she could take you, but I wouldn't give her money anymore and she would be responsible for you. She refused.
I didn't mean it, son. It was a test for her, and she failed."
I couldn't resist anymore. I hugged him with all my strength.
"Dad, I love you so much. I'll take my bag and go. I won't be in your way anymore. I love you too much to hurt you."
"I was hoping slut was the only word you heard from your grandma."
"I'm sorry, Dad. I heard everything."
"Do you trust me, little man?"
"You're the only one I trust."
"Then believe me when I tell you this: you were never in my way. You are the reason for my success these last five years. If you leave me, I'll be a broke, homeless man with no son. Do you want that?"
"No, Dad. I won't let you live without a son. I'll stay with you and help you with the company."
"Good job, baby. Now go take your butt to your room and do your homework. I'll prepare the best mac and cheese."
"I love when you cook for me, Dad. I like Ms. Daniel's food, but yours is amazing."
"I know, baby—but let's not tell Ms. Daniel."
"Hahaha. Nobody will know. It's our secret."
I kissed my dad's cheek and went to my room. From that day on, I made sure never to trust anyone except my father. I worked hard to be the best—at school, in sports, and in my father's eyes.
I was happy when my father found a great woman. Her name was Lisa. She was perfect. She treated me like her own. I respected her, but it was too late. My grandma's words had already made me shut my heart to everyone.
My grandma tried to talk to me, but I was too stubborn to forget her words. Even Lisa hated her after my father told her everything. She scolded her and said it was her fault that I was lonely and that she couldn't give me a brother.
According to Mama Lisa, it was a curse—my grandma's behavior caused my trauma. She always says, "Sorry, Black, I didn't give you a brother or sister to help you love again."
She was convinced that if I had a sibling, I would learn to love. I do wish I had a brother or sister—but not for me. For Lisa and Dad. They deserve a happy child. Even when they say I'm the only child they want, I can't help feeling sorry for them.
I was a difficult boy, but I never disrespected them. I wish they are honest, and I try to make them happy, because I know what it means to be unhappy.
Like this, in the blink of an eye, twenty years passed. The only thing that changed was my trauma—from depression to anxiety, dissociation, and many other things. I don't have friends. I can't tolerate any touch except from Dad and Lisa. That's why I've been single for twenty-five years. I've never felt anything for anyone, and I'm sure I'll die with twenty cats.
The problem is, I don't like animals. The only pet I ever had was a goat, and we didn't love each other. I only fed her because Lisa asked me to take care of her. She thought a goat could help me when the therapists failed. I remember the day I opened the gate and gave her freedom—and took back mine.
Until now, Lisa still thinks the goat jumped out of the gate.
Maybe I should confess.