Per therapist's demands, I'm making this notebook or diary, whatever you want to call it. This October has been the hardest for me. Everyone's just making plans to be with their loved ones, having fun, doing what normal teenagers do. I just can't get through it. I'm just so tired. I don't think I can continue dealing with all these pretty girls and guys who just want to be with them. what about people who are in between? Not just for artificial reasons like normal. Not like I've been through. My family thinks just because I'm not as pretty as the rest of them like my aunt Vita with her perfect body and light blonde hair or like my cousin Lilia with her confidence and fashion choices. Or even like my brother Jayden with his outgoingness. How can he do it? They've got so much going for them. But what do I have? Some stupid therapist no one even knows about because I'm "too happy to go to therapy". I can't even tell my family I decided to go because then they'd ask why. Okay well if I was so happy I wouldn't need therapy would I? They assume because I smile they can treat me however and I won't feel a thing. I'm in therapy right now though. I see the fancy couch that doesn't even FEEL comfortable. Feels more like an investigation to me. I see my therapist Ms. Lefugh with her perfect ash brown curls and rhinestone manicured nails. Her outfit that won't make guys stop looking at her. I can't stand it. "So how's your day been?" She snaps me out of my train of thought. "Fine I guess." She doesn't talk for a bit. One minute goes by. Two minutes. Three. "Did anything happen today? no panic attacks? anxiety? thoughts?" She crosses her legs. It drives me crazy that I can't stand looking at her. This world has made so many perfect people but I'm not one of them. She even looks pretty doing stupid things. I bet she gets anything she wants and doesn't get screamed at for messing up simple tasks like she just committed a crime. I can't focus. Why am I even here? I feel so out of control. Seconds tick by. 5 seconds. Ten. A minute. I want to go home. My session finally comes to an end at 5 in the afternoon after a lot of awkward silences and random sentences. I don't drive. My brother picks me up right after but of course he has a friend's party to go to. I just want to go to bed. I'm tired. Just as I began to close my eyes, I hear a screech. "Watch where you're going!" My brother turns to me. "Did you just see that? I swear they give licenses to anyone these days." Hateful much? I bet he was just looking at his phone again. Sometimes I wish I could drive myself that way I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'm getting nervous. That car that almost hit us has been following us and Jayden's just on the phone like he can't talk to these people when we get to his friend's house. I won't lie, I do kind of like Alek. Just not enough to get too close to. He seems to travel around my family a lot. More specifically my house when Lilia's visiting me. Sometimes I just want to spend time with my cousin too, you know? It's weird seeing him make excuses to hold her hand and pretend he's checking something. She's not dumb just tell her you like her already! Anyways, this is getting long. I'm done for the day.
7:00 pm
I know what i wrote earlier, but now I kind of feel like I'm exaggerating. There's nothing wrong with them and I do care for the people around me, I just dont want to be around them so often. What's wrong with me? I'm tired. I lay on my cot(no not bed but cushion cot) and stare up at my ivy. It's grown so long it's taking all the space around my walls. Okay not literally but it feels like it. I love it. I want my room to feel like a forest. Jayden is getting ready to go, and Lilia has come over to borrow my clothes. I know I have the cutest dresses I don't use, but I still feel like maybe she can ask? She's so pretty I can't help but want to give them all to her. When I bought them I thought of how I'd like to look in them, but then I thought she'd look great in them. I know thats counterintuitive to what I just said, but I dont know. I love her still. And she smiles so happily I cant picture actually saying no. Her hair is black and goes to the end of her back. She has pretty curls. I love her hair. I always want to style it, but she doesn't let many people touch her hair. She turns around carrying my pink rhinestone embroidered dress with the shoulders off and grabs my pink stilettos with the gold vine heels. I think it'd look pretty with gold tassel-y earrings. She has blue eyes so I think that makes it look prettier. Like with that glitter makeup she wears. She looks like a princess from my favorite Manga. "Cecil, can I keep these? They're gorgeous!" I look to my heels in sadness knowing I'll never actually wear them and they're too pretty to sit collecting dust. "Okay." I dont tell her those cost me a month's worth of my pay. But my wallet. It hurts. But I know she'll put them to good use. She squeals in excitement. "Hurry, take a picture of me!" She walks to the wall with a full sized windows, where my ivy has grown the most wild. My pink climbing r roses are reaching to the window on their homemade rope support, it really looks like a fairytale. Like it's all reaching towards her. I take the picture and hand her the phone back. "OH my God it looks so cute!!! " I hear a notification sound, and I know she just posted it. I love taking photos. I think I'm really good with the camera. I look at the time and realize i have to hurry. I told my parents I'd be responsible for my brother and Lili after much bugging(by them) so they can go to this party. I want to go too, but not for the reasons they have. His friend has the cutest little sister that reminds me of a little monkey. I never told my family but I almost had a baby this year. I never got to hold her. It hurts so bad that I can't tell them but I don't have any place to go. I have no support. They made it very clear if I ever dealt with anything like this, they'd disown me. I'm not even graduated from college but I wish they cared. Anyone else would have gotten their full support along with "we're so happy for you!" All I've ever wanted was my baby.