I sighed. "I'm not feeling well."
Ivan immediately touched my forehead so I flinched and looked at them.
"Is your friends know that you're sick?" Ivan asked.
I shook my head. "Don't tell them. I will be okay."
"No Louise. You can't force yourself to do the activities. You can rest and we'll tell them that you will not be able to join us right now." Ivan said in a voice full of authority.
"Please don't tell them?" I begged with matching puppy eyes.
They sighed and looked at me worriedly.
I took the medicine and then I stood up and gave my plate to the staff. My body is weak and I want to rest but I don't want to miss every activity that they will do. We went here to enjoy ourselves and not lie down for the whole week. I hate being sick when I'm enjoying it.
"Louise, listen to Ivan. It seems that you're not okay." Marvin said.
I gazed at them and smiled.
"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I look weak but I'm strong." I said before I passed them.
Before I could leave the hotel Marvin grabbed my wrist. He looked straight into my eyes and through that, I could see that he's really worried about me.
"Please be careful. I always watch over you." He said before he put his jacket on me.
I stiffed in my place while he's busy fixing his jacket on me.
"You'll gonna be okay. I trust you." He smiled and placed his hand on my head. His face is too close to mine.
I blinked my eyes repeatedly before I nodded at him. We went outside to join our companions. Before I could go to my friends, Ivan put his arm on my shoulder.
"Just be careful. Okay?" He smiled at me. "I know you're strong but you need someone who can look you out. Just shout my name and I'll be there."
I laughed at Ivan before I turned my back on him. I went straight to my friends who built a sandcastle. They didn't notice my presence when I got on their side. I just sat and picked a stick to write on the sand.
I WANT TO BE FREE. I MISS HIM.
I used only capital letters to write. I wrapped my arms around my legs because I'm getting cold. Someone suddenly sat beside me and it was Karl.
"Are you okay?" Karl asked and glanced at my face.
"I'm not in the mood to trading barbs," I said lazily.
He chuckled. "I'm not here to tease you. I saw what you wrote on the sand? Do you want to be free? From what?"
I sighed and hesitated if I would tell him what's behind the message but in the end, I told him."From everything? I want to be free from doing something that I'm not happy with. I want to be free from sadness. I want to be free from pain. I want to be free from the life that I have."
I bowed my head but I was not crying.
"You know? Whenever I'm sad, I travel around the world and appreciate the beauty of every country." Karl said as his two hands rested behind his back. "You can be free if you want to. Don't be afraid to free yourself from everything. Do what makes you happy and always follow your heart's desires. You have your wings. You can fly."
I fell silent because of what he said. I hope it's that easy to do. We have different coping mechanisms to vanish sadness.
"It's really hard to hate yourself for being you. You'll always compare yourself to others. Like, why they can do that, why can't I do it all by myself." I took a deep breath. "Even though you did your best but in the end, you would end up crying because they couldn't see how you've worked hard to achieve the things that they want but not you want."
My heart is crying but my eyes are not. I used to hide what I truly feel. I used to wear a mask.
"But I'm proud of you." Karl suddenly said so I looked at him. "I'm so proud of you because you're still here with us. You're still fighting and breathing. You could kill yourself because you hate yourself too much but you didn't do it. You've decided to continue your life. That's why I'm very proud of you, Louise."
I didn't expect that those words came from his mouth. He's proud of me and I would love to hear that.
"I miss him. Who do you miss?" Karl asked again.
I looked up at the sky and smiled bitterly.
"I miss my father. I miss him." I said while tears slowly streaming down my face. I can't control my tears from falling when the topic is about my father.
"Oh," Karl said. "I'm sorry. But what happened?"
"He died when I was 17 years old. He was diagnosed with liver cancer." I said sadly. I wiped my tears and looked at him.
"My father also died because he drinks too much alcohol. He died when I was a kid so I don't have any memories of him. But you, I know that you have a lot of memories with your father." Karl smiled.
"Yes. I still treasure the memories of my father. When he died I was devastated but I wasn't crying because my mother refrained me to cry. She said that my father wouldn't be able to go to heaven if I would continue crying." I took a deep breath again to stop myself from crying. " A-And I stopped crying even in his last resort? I wasn't crying. I wanted to cry out loud but I controlled myself because I don't want to cry in a public place."
Karl rubbed my back. "I know he's in a good place now and he's proud of you."
I cried when Karl patted my back and said those words. "I-I know that he's proud of my achievements but it's kinda sad because he didn't see how I succeed in life. In my next life, I hope he will still remember me as his tough and hardheaded daughter."
The tears kept falling on my face but I was still smiling. Karl's words soothe my feelings.
"We will go to a better place soon and in there, there will be freedom, happiness, and peace." I smiled.
We fell silent while looking up at the orange sky. I know, I would regret to tell him my feelings. He will tease me endlessly.
"Louise!" Coleen called me. They approached me.
"Are you okay? What's wrong with you?" Haye asked before she touched me on my forehead. "You have a fever?"
Karl looked at me. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You didn't even ask," I said sarcastically.
They looked at me like I have a deadly disease. "Stop worrying about me. I'm already an adult."
I stood up but before I could walk, Coleen and Laura grabbed my arm. What's wrong with them? They always grabbing my arm.
"Have you taken any medicine, Louise?" Emmanuel asked.
I just nodded and I was surprised when Justin put his jacket on me. I wore three jackets.
"T-Thank you," I said before I passed them.