Bruce is irresistible, of course, but my mind and my heart belong to Killian. I swear, girl, I know myself, and I know nothing would do me more good right now than a moment of erotic bliss to chase away all my insecurities. But I turn Bruce down, even though I know for a fact how amazing it would feel to be riding him right now.
Instead, I tell him, "Let's get back to the castle as soon as possible. Give me time to sort through what I'm feeling. If you bring me solid proof that there's more than just friendship between Evangelina and Killian, I'm going to need you. I swear I will."
He smiles, speaking with absolute gentleness. "All right. If you're falling apart from heartbreak, you have to come see me. I promise I'll fix you."
Back at the castle, I ask everyone to gather in the dining room. There, Bruce explains what happened and adds, "The Vertex has a powerful tool in Carmilla. I saw it with my own eyes. She solved a case in seconds—the mailman's body was right there, buried exactly where she said it would be."
Lucius scoffs in annoyance. "Look, kid, I don't think you're lying. I just think there has to be a rational explanation for this."
"Of course there is," I reply confidently. "Look, here's your explanation, whether you believe it or not. Clara, that psychic, realized some of her powers had bound themselves to me when she took my hands. Then I started seeing an image in my mind—one where you were shot in the chest and fell from a great height, exactly how it actually happened. I wanted to unlock more of those abilities just to try and keep you from dying. So now, thanks to that, I see ghosts of mailmen coming to find me. That's the only explanation."
Killian interrupts me, demanding, "Is that why you've been acting so strange these past few hours? Come on—tell us what's really going on."
I shoot him a searing glare, thinking to myself: The truth. Tonight, I'm going to force you to tell me the truth. Right now, don't you dare speak to me again.
But all that anger vanishes the next second when I realize I'm judging him without a single shred of proof. In my head, I've already declared him guilty, so I force myself to calm down. That isn't the kind of person I want to be. Something is wrong with me. Taking a deep breath, I step closer and kiss him, repeating a mantra in my mind: Killian is innocent. Killian is innocent.
He closes his eyes, kissing me with the pure relief of someone who thinks a fight is finally over. "Are we good?" he asks.
I stroke his face and nod.
Evangelina steps up from behind and hugs me. I take her hand and whisper, "Let's talk. Right now."
We choose the room near the castle tower to make sure we're completely alone. There, with her fiery red hair and translucent eyes making her look like a vampire straight out of a storybook, I advance on Evangelina as if I were about to drive a stake through her heart.
"What the hell is going on with Killian?" I demand. "What secret are you keeping from me? Yeah, don't give me that perfectly innocent face. Tell me everything, or I swear to God I'll never speak to you again."
She just stares at me for a long moment, completely silent. I'm convinced it never even crossed her mind that her cousin had the security camera footage; she clearly ends up believing I'm using my powers, and she confesses everything. Right then and there, girl, I know I've been dead wrong.
Evangelina answers, "Fine. I see there's no keeping anything from you anymore. First of all, let me clear something up: there are no secrets between Killian and me. At least on my end, I haven't hidden anything from you intentionally. What we have is a joint plan to sideline Lucius and Mr. Longfield from the decisions being made in the empire. He and I want to be one hundred percent in charge. We think we can do a better job, that's all. So every now and then we have mini-meetings to bounce ideas off each other—always with our clothes on, if that's what you're worried about. And we didn't tell you because you have nothing to do with the Longfield-Bance empire. You left, remember? You went back to Mary Garden to get away from us. And if you still want to know more: hell yeah, I'd sleep with Killian. I have fantasies just like any other woman. I dream about Bruce inside me while Killian takes me from behind and you kiss me passionately. If Killian walked in right now and wanted to get in bed with me, it would be hard to say no. But I would. I'd reject him solely because—and I hope your witchy powers guessed this part—solely because I'm in love with Bruce and with you. So, thank you so much for the distrust."
I know instantly that she's telling the truth. Even so, I don't hug her. I turn and walk out, leaving her alone and drowning in tears.
As I walk down the stairs, I realize a new Carmilla has been born. Maybe Clara infected me with a bit of her personality, or maybe dating Killian broke me, but I don't feel sweet, or innocent, or like being compliant for anyone anymore. I just need things to be black and white for once in my damn life. I smirk, christening this new state of mind as "Carmilla: Bitch Version."
By the time my foot hits the last step of the ground floor, the mood has completely passed, and guilt crashes over me all at once. Back in my room, I type out a message to them: "To Killian and Evangelina: sleepover tonight?"
He replies: "Can't. My father wants me back at the mansion immediately. He needs to tell me something. I think he's finally going to do it—he's going to hand all the power over to me."
She texts back: "Sorry, I already agreed to have my own sleepover with Bruce. You're invited if you want: drinks, music, and watching the sunrise from the castle windows while we hold each other. It's not a bad plan. If you come, I'll get in the middle, and since I love you both, I… well, you know how it feels, right?"
Killian knocks on my door. The second he steps inside, I kiss him passionately. I'm not going to lie—I feel awful for doubting him, so I confess everything that happened.
He looks at me with a strange expression. "I think I agree with you. Being in a relationship changed us for the worse. Before, we were more… ourselves. The last thing I wanted was to change you. I was very clear about that. We're hurting each other. Not because of all this, but if we keep forcing this unnecessary change, it'll only get worse."
"Are you breaking up with me?" I ask.
He sits down and holds me with both hands, his fingers tracing down my body, sliding up my shirt to touch my breasts. It feels like a goodbye.
"Is this where our relationship ends?" I press.
Killian replies, "You can't doubt me. I have too much on my mind, and a massive challenge is about to begin. My father just texted me. I won't be coming back to the castle; after the meeting, I'm heading straight to China. In a week or two, we'll see each other there, if you still want to. In the meantime… yeah, we're not together anymore. I want my Carmilla back. The real one."
Girl, I need you by my side now more than ever. See? I ruined everything, and to make matters worse, I know he's right. Carmilla: Bitch Version, I scoff to myself. I noticed that ugly shift in my personality too. On top of that, his words hurt. God, they hurt. I want to get angry, but I can't even manage that. I just stand there in silence, watching the sunset through the window.
He leaves. And alone in my room, I say aloud to the empty space, "Goodbye, Killian. I hope you find what you're looking for. I'm going to try to find myself again, and only then will we see each other."
That night, sleep refuses to come. I replay it over and over in my head: what is my true essence? I don't care about finding someone to blame—whether it's all this business with "The Vertex" or the powers Clara passed onto me, none of it matters. I just want to understand what makes me 100% Carmilla. By three in the morning, I know I won't find the answer on my own.
A message from Evangelina pops up: "Still awake? Come over. We're drinking with Bruce and talking about love. I know Killian left. For what it's worth, we talked earlier, and I think I can help you make sense of all this. I love you, gorgeous."
I get up, run my hands through my hair, and brush my teeth. I'm about to change clothes, but then I think, What the hell, this oversized white tee looks divine as pajamas. Catching my reflection in the mirror, I realize that looking pretty makes me feel more defiant. So, I set off barefoot toward Evangelina's room.
On the way, I pass Lucius's bedroom door and feel a sudden temptation to knock. I miss him. Is this my true self? Living trapped between multiple loves? I muse. And I understand that maybe, just maybe, the seed of my transformation didn't come from Clara at all. It came from denying a part of myself. From giving up on having them both.
I swear, girl, my hand is raised, ready to knock on his door. But as clearly as I can hear my own thoughts, I hear him talking on the phone. It doesn't take me long to realize that Moetia, the little mermaid author, is on the other end of the line. Lucius is telling her that he's going to marry Sarah and all that stuff I already knew. I slip away quietly so as not to invade his privacy. No, don't go thinking I'm a saint—of course I want to stay and eavesdrop. Honestly, I do catch one last thing he says: "No, Moetia, I don't think that'll help me forget what I feel for Carmilla. But yeah, you can come see me. I miss you too, you know that."
I smile. I'm not the only person torn between multiple loves.
Knock, knock on Evangelina's door.
She opens it wearing one of Bruce's shirts, unbuttoned so low it barely covers her breasts. He's sitting down with a glass in his hand, barefoot just like me. At their feet, right by the massive window, is a plush white rug where the two of us lie down. I take a sip of wine, and the three of us fall into a comfortable silence for a few minutes.
What is your true essence, Carmilla? I ask myself.
Bruce slides over next to me and pulls me into an embrace. That's when the tears finally start to fall. He whispers in my ear, "Hey, come on. Let's not waste a night like this on tears. Do you know what I do when I'm sad?"
I shake my head.
Bruce smiles. "I follow the advice of a very wise woman named Carmilla: I surround myself with beauty."
I close my eyes, feeling his lips press against my neck and Evangelina's hand on my stomach, caressing me with pure tenderness. I smile. Maybe this is who I am. Just a girl escaping heartbreak the only way she was ever taught how.