Curled up in Batsu'unsai's warm embrace, Kazuma's mind was racing.
He had to figure out some way — any way — to convince his money-loving wife to abandon this ridiculous idea once and for all.
There was absolutely no chance in hell he was becoming Captain-Commander.
After thinking it over for quite a while, Kazuma finally settled on a strategy.
First, he'd use his ultimate weapon.
Play pitiful.
If that failed, he'd come up with something else.
"Wife…"
Kazuma slowly began to "wake" from the unconscious state he'd been pretending to be in. His face was still swollen almost past recognition, and when he opened his mouth, his words came out badly slurred.
"Do you… really not love me anymore?"
The mournful accusation broke the quiet like a bolt of thunder.
Kazuma stared directly into Batsu'unsai's eyes, trying to move her with the sheer sincerity of his gaze.
"You're finally awake!"
Batsu'unsai immediately lowered her head to check on him.
"Where are you hurt? Is it serious? Does it hurt badly? Tell me. I'll rub it for you."
Her delicate hands began gently massaging his bruised body.
The concern and tenderness on her face were completely genuine.
Anyone seeing her like this would have had a difficult time believing that this gentle, attentive woman was once one of the most feared original captains of the Gotei 13, a killer whose name alone had once terrified enemies.
"You don't love me anymore!"
Kazuma, however, refused to be distracted.
Perhaps she hadn't heard him clearly the first time.
So he raised his voice and repeated himself.
"Now, now. Be good."
Batsu'unsai lightly stroked his swollen cheek.
"Look at your face. You're hurt badly enough already. You should talk less, or you'll only make it hurt more."
Kazuma stared at her.
That had been louder.
She had definitely heard him.
She was simply refusing to answer.
A beautiful sidestep.
Two thousand-year-old foxes were playing games with each other now. Neither needed the other to explain what they were doing.
Kazuma had charged straight in with emotional blackmail.
Batsu'unsai responded by pretending the attack had never existed.
No matter how aggressively he pressed, she remained as steady as a fortress.
'Go ahead and struggle. I'm not taking the bait.'
Kazuma refused to give up.
"I'm saying you—mmph!"
Before he could finish, Batsu'unsai's right hand clamped firmly over his mouth, sealing off the rest of the sentence.
"You're injured."
Her voice suddenly rose several levels.
"So stop talking and rest!"
Then her left hand formed into a knife edge.
She gave Kazuma a light chop to the side of the neck.
His eyes immediately rolled back.
Everything went black.
This time, he really did lose consciousness.
Kazuma had only wanted to pretend to be dead.
Somehow, Batsu'unsai had turned the performance into reality.
These two truly were made for each other.
Whenever one tried something, the other immediately tore the act apart.
...
The distance from the First Division to the Seventh Division was not particularly long.
Normally, it would only take a few minutes.
Somehow, however, Batsu'unsai and Kazuma managed to turn it into a journey lasting more than half an hour.
Between his repeated attempts to sabotage her plans and her repeated efforts to shut him down, they somehow managed to drag out the trip to an absurd degree.
From a distance, Iba Tetsuzaemon eventually spotted Batsu'unsai hurrying toward the Seventh Division.
She was carrying something in her arms.
Something roughly human-shaped.
Even from far away, Iba had the vague feeling that the strange object might be their captain.
As Batsu'unsai drew closer, however, his confidence disappeared.
The person's face was so swollen that it was impossible to recognize.
"Is that really…?"
Before he could finish the thought, Batsu'unsai shouted toward him.
"Tetsuzaemon! Hurry and get some bandages! Kazuma is injured!"
"Captain Kazuma?!"
Iba's heart immediately clenched.
He could hardly imagine how their normally formidable captain had ended up looking like this.
Had Kazuma encountered some unimaginably powerful enemy during his disappearance?
That had to be it.
Otherwise, how could he possibly have suffered injuries this severe?
Even his face had been beaten beyond recognition.
Though…
Iba couldn't help finding one detail a little strange.
Even in a brutal fight, people generally didn't spend that much effort specifically attacking someone's face.
Was there more to this than he knew?
Still, this was hardly the time to ask.
Iba immediately turned and hurried toward the medical room to retrieve the requested supplies.
...
Inside the captain's office, Batsu'unsai held a roll of pristine white bandages and began wrapping Kazuma with extraordinary concentration.
Round after round went around his body.
Each layer was pulled snugly into place.
Gradually, Kazuma disappeared beneath the bandages until he looked less like an injured Shinigami and more like a freshly preserved mummy.
She did not even spare his mouth.
That too was completely wrapped shut.
Only two small openings around his nostrils remained so that he could breathe.
Iba stared at the finished result.
Something about this treatment seemed very wrong.
"Captain Batsu'unsai…"
He hesitated.
"Is wrapping him like this really appropriate?"
He pointed toward Kazuma's completely sealed mouth.
"Captain Kazuma is badly injured. He needs nutrition if he's going to recover, but if his mouth is covered like that… how is he supposed to eat?"
Batsu'unsai didn't even blink.
"Eat?"
She shook her head.
"No, no. He doesn't need that."
"All he needs is proper rest. There's no need for food."
Iba stared at her.
Did Batsu'unsai genuinely not realize how absurd that was?
Of course she did.
She was highly proficient in Kaidō. There was no chance she'd somehow forgotten something as basic as allowing an injured patient to eat.
The real reason was extremely simple.
She didn't want Kazuma opening his mouth.
That was all.
Lying helplessly on the bed, Kazuma felt an overwhelming surge of gratitude toward Iba.
His loyal lieutenant!
At least someone had noticed the rather serious problem of him being unable to eat!
Unfortunately, Batsu'unsai's actions were entirely deliberate, which left Kazuma with no way to protest properly.
So he transformed himself into a stubborn fish.
He began wriggling furiously across the bed, twisting from side to side while producing muffled noises from deep in his throat.
"Mmmph! Mmmph! MMMMMMPH!"
It was the last shred of resistance he had left.
At this point, all he could do was struggle and complain wordlessly in the hope of venting some of his frustration.
"Captain Batsu'unsai…"
Iba looked increasingly uncomfortable.
"Captain Kazuma seems like he really doesn't want to be wrapped like that. Maybe we should at least uncover his mouth?"
Batsu'unsai slowly turned toward him.
Then she smiled.
"Tetsuzaemon."
Her voice was gentle.
"I think there may be a small problem with your ability to understand people."
She glanced toward Kazuma, who was still writhing angrily on the bed.
"Kazuma is merely expressing his gratitude for how carefully I've bandaged him."
"There's no other meaning behind it."
Her smile deepened.
Iba froze.
He had seen a smile like that before.
Captain Unohana smiled like that sometimes.
And whenever that particular expression appeared on someone's face, absolutely nothing good followed.
"I understand!"
Iba immediately straightened.
"My apologies, Captain Batsu'unsai. I clearly failed to consider the situation properly."
He changed sides without hesitation.
He did feel sorry for his captain.
He really did.
But this did not seem like an appropriate occasion to demonstrate that loyalty.